Le'Anna

One of the biggest blessings this year has been Le'Anna. My "angel" turned "best friend" turned "family" has been a HUGE gift of life and light and joy to me this year...

Le'Anna exemplifies Jesus. 
She LOVES God like NO OTHER.
She pours over God's Word - hungering for more and more Truth.
She turns from the sins and desires of the flesh and sets her eyes on Jesus.
She takes me to the "Throne Room" in prayer.
She randomly and beautifully belts out hymns and songs of praise!
She is teaching me communication skills and manners....
She is teaching me how to be considerate.
She is teaching me how to LOVE.

I am so grateful for the gift of Le'Anna (and Glory Beam) this year.
  

<3

Organic vs. Intentional

ponder that.

Organic vs. Intentional....

BEING "organic" v.s "intentional".... are they one against the other, or can they co-habitate? Can they work together? If so, how?

think. ponder. consider. let GOD reveal His way in all things....

Unpolished 2010 Recap Blog

He who began a good BLOG in you will carry it on to completion on the day of New Years Eve.... oh, that's not how Philippians 1:6 goes? Oooops!

I noticed that all the cool kids are doing "2010" recap blogs and thought that maybe I should follow suit. God had me start blogging in January of this year so I thought I should probably tie a bow on it as we wrap up 2010.

I haven't cordoned off any good time to really do an exhaustive study or even to just reflect on all that God has done in, through, and for me this year... I SHOULD do that though. That would be a really SMART thing to do. I should try to capture some of the big things He's done in the "real world" as well as in my heart.

Maybe I'll do a high level version of that now.

Let's see...
The biggest thing He did was give me a NEW LIFE!!! January 2, 2010 marked the beginning of a new life in Christ. I was BORN AGAIN that day- the old me poured out and the new me was born! I have not been the same since that point. I am so BLESSED to have had such a "Road to Damascus" conversion experience! God knows me so intimately that He knew that that was what I needed to remember it. Some people are gradually converted...they gradually surrender...but He took me to the blackest of black places and showed me that I would never find fulfillment on my own. He wooed me and showed me that SURRENDER was the only way to truly "win".

What else? God inspired me to reconcile my marriage. The other party (my ex-husband) did not hear the same thing I did so we did not reconcile, but I walked with Jesus as He revealed my role in the dissolution of the relationship between my husband and I. He showed me me and gave me a new heart to give to my husband. Joe ended up marrying another woman in August at which point I finally "felt" free and "single". The Lord continues to reveal and heal my "issues" with relationships and I love being clay in the hands of the One I trust.

The Lord took me to Africa and gave me new and wonderful experiences including perspective and visuals of His pure and undefiled children who are living in poverty (surrounded with spiritual riches).

I have been able to meet the most wonderful people- from the new family in Christ that He has surrounded me with:

- My "Life Group/Small Group"that God gave me to "do life" with.
- The role models and mentors at Journey Church that God let me serve with and learn from.
- The Africans and missionaries that I met during my trip to Uganda have left a lasting impression on me. I know the Lord will continue to use my experiences with them for His glory.
- The homeless men and women downtown who gave me a new perspective on poverty (Carissa, never forget Mark, Juanita, John & Nadia, Taylor, Judy, and Ed).
- The hearts of my heart- my best friends and sisters in Christ, Sayre, Le'Anna & Corie (and it's terrible to put a boy here, because he is NOT my "sister" in Christ, but He is my "soul brotha", Greg (who is patient, forgiving and kind and his friendship is providing a forum for me to learn how to relate to, respect and honor men).

Jobwise, I was able to have an amazing job at Farm Bureau Insurance Company through May of this year. Working for Christian bosses and having the time to research and worship God at work was wonderful. Even though I was working a full-time job, during that time I had the most "margin" in my life to seek God.

The Lord then gave me the opportunity to work for Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Triangle for juuuuust a minute (a month and a half, part time. I was supposed to go "full time" when I returned from Africa, but God had other plans). It was interesting because as I look back, I see God's hand on the whole thing- the way he orchestrated it all to build me up and show me that He can give me everything my heart desires. And then He showed me that the pleasures associated with what MY heart desires don't even TOUCH the possibilities that come with fulfillment through Christ. Back to BBBS- He worked it all out so that I would be a "placeholder" for one of His other children, Yvonne, to do a job that is a perfect fit and blessing for her. (Romans 8:28). It's too complex to explain here, but I'll just say that it was not by my power that anything worked out the way it did- it was all BY Him and FOR Him.

In June/July, God allowed me to take a leap of faith and go to work full-time for Him... He said HE was my boss and He would provide all I need (and He has)! He had me work on a project for someone in Africa (that I still don't know what to do with), and He had me hang out downtown and talk to people. He had me meet lots of new friends and spend time investing in their lives and building friendships and shining the love of Christ into their world. This was my favorite, He had me serving with Pastor Paul at Journey- I got to work alongside him on lots of the projects and initiatives that he was working on (the First Connect Party, The Men's Retreat, NRCA Senior Girls Awards Ceremony, NEXT, Spiritual Assessment Tool, Financial Class, among other things)....SO FUN!

I am just SO blessed!

This November into December I started feeling that God wanted me to take action. Growth from the seeds that He had planted this year started emerging. I started connecting the dots- the things that He had put on my heart over the course of the last year....things like the "burning heart" icon, and the passion for projects (that's been there a while), and the desire to share the stories of the amazing people God has introduced me to and connect them with help. As I prayed for direction and a name He responded and Christian Love Projects was born. This nonprofit (Godprofit) organization is in the infantile stage right now- it is a state recognized/incorporated charity with a tax ID number, but I am waiting to see where God takes it (IF it is His will).

I LOVE Journey and secretly wish I could just serve there and love on the people there always and forever, but I think God has given me additional responsibilities because I have the capacity in my life (and because I am his special chosen one!). I don't have a family to balance with (though I have an AMAZING dog!)... so I have more time than most. However I must never forget to prioritize the most important relationship I have- the one with my Redeemer, Best Friend, Counselor, Husband, Guide, Lover of my Soul- Jesus! I also need to prioritize some margin in my life so that in the moments of peace and nothingness I can respond to God's prompting for me to reach out and love those He places on my heart.

Pray:

God, show me me. (Show me YOU so I can see me as I am....a sinner and desperately in need of a Savior.)

Give me more capacity to love.

Give me eyes to see those who are lost and hurting and the means to respond.

Give me more room in my heart and soul for the Holy Spirit to fill me.... Holy Spirit, please fill me with more and more of You.

Give me wisdom, discernment, and the power to follow through with the plans you plant in my heart.

Protect me from the schemes of the evil one, and the weakness of my flesh.

Give me the desire and the strength to turn from the things of this world that separate me from You.

Help me to prioritize my time with You.

It's not about me- it's ALL ABOUT YOU.

Time is running out- help me to make the most of every opportunity.

This has gotten out of control.
I just wanted to say THANK YOU to JESUS for SAVING ME and giving me NEW LIFE and a PURPOSE by the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT who indwelled me on January 2nd of this year. I think I believe I was saved by believing earlier in my life. I was a Christian- but I hadn't SURRENDERED. When I did- I got a new life. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! It's all SO AWESOME!!!!

Um. I just also want to note (even though I'm going to sound like a snotty fruitcake) that I am HIGHLY FAVORED. I think this borders on bragging, but I am in AWE of God's goodness! He has given me the most amazing gift of discernment this year- He's allowed me to see into the spiritual realm in ways that are indescribable. I only have the gift when I am walking with Him. When I am, and when He shows me something to respond to and I am obedient- He is GLORIFIED. It is AMAZING! I would like to pray for Him to continue to hone this gift and to use me for His glory in 2011.

Lord, I lift your name on high!
Lord, I love to sing your praises!

"When deep calls to deep" - remember Brian Doerksen and the Glorious conference/

"The [triad] corner of light" - slipping into the hearts of others and interceding on their behalf. Worshiping and praying with Sayre & Paul (even though they don't know it! ha!)

"ABOHG" - All because of His Grace - our small group was one of the biggest blessings God gave me... "We grow best in the context of community" <--Journey/ Paul

My favorite song this year (still) is "Now and Forever" by Josh & Tasha Via.

My favorite person this year is GOD (then probably Sayre. Is that horrible to say out loud? She radiates the love of Jesus. She encourages and inspires and prays me closer to God. She is the best example of Christ I know. I have lots of people who are close runners up- but Sayre, my sister, my accountability partner, my prayer warrior, is my ONE).

My favorite book this year is the BIBLE (and I also loved "Hole in the Gospel", "Radical", and "The Pursuit of God".)

My favorite TV show this year is - NO time-wasting TV.

My favorite movie this year is - um - I guess - Narnia3

My favorite activity this year was going to Africa.

The biggest revelation of sin this year was PRIDE and CONTROL (but first "bitterness"...that was the blockage.) I hope that God takes away my gluttony in 2011 once and for all! Pray pray pray!

My favorite place is in the arms of Jesus! (And my favorite earthly, building-esque place is Journey Church.)

My favorite past-time this year was/is my walks in the woods with God and Rue. (Which reminds and spurs me to get AWAY from my computer and GO enjoy a WALK!!)


Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful year. As we move into 2011, please continue to show me favor and use me to make Jesus famous in this city, nation, and world. Amen.



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Reflection

I used to be someone else.
Wow.

Today I saw how different I am from who I was. I am floored. I don't really have any words for it except God is SO good. He has delivered me from such an ..... ICK....  place! WOW.

FIRST I was reflecting on my skydiving "habit". Today God showed me that He has been preparing me to JUMP for a long time...that He gave me my personality and desire to take risks and He even gave me a love for jumping out of planes. If that's not a leap of faith, I don't know what is! :)  I LOVED skydiving. I still do. I really want to go again when God lets me. The problem was my addiction to it (and the expense). I got licensed (cost $3,500+) and jumped 40 times.... but I couldn't afford the $5,000 rig (parachute) that I needed to buy, and then we moved. (Not to mention the fact that my [now ex] husband didn't support it, so I reluctantly "respected" his wishes.) It's all part of God's Sovereign plan though.... I see how it was just a seed.... it was Him preparing me and teaching me what it feels like to FLY! Here's a clip of me preparing for my first skydive. Look at how DIFFERENT I am!?!

Ready?

Carissa | Myspace Video

Anyway, yes, this will probably be a long blog post, because as I was looking at this old skydive stuff, I ran across one of my old blogs on MySpace.... I'm gonna share this here because it's really UCKY... (ugly/icky) and I am NOT this girl anymore. I am a new creation (2 Cor 5:17).  As you'll see, I used to battle with mental illness. I don't know if it was circumstantial, the effects of the meds, the effects of Satan, or if I really WAS bipolar- but either way, God has healed me. I haven't taken any medications for going on two years, and I am [for all intents and purposes] sane and well-balanced. :)  But look at this TRAIN-WRECK of a life I lived. This blog post was written in October of 2007:

keep track of the crazies
Current mood:anxious

okee doke. my friend heather said that it would be a good idea to keep track of this thing as i go through it. what thing? "thing"? the thing is this...last august i had my first and most horrific anxiety attack. i didn't realize that was what it was then, but i went to the hospital in an ambulance- SURE that i was having a heart attack. my blood pressure was 200 over 200 or something horrific...i can't really remember...it was 200 with something...anyway. it wasn't like anything i'd seen before.

long story short: i had an anxiety attack. they put me on atavan, then xanax- both of which were druggie drugs and made me addicted and messed up and i hated them. in the end i went to a shrink cuz i tried to get off the drugs myself and it didn't work...the anxiety attacks came back tenfold. the psychiatrist got me off Xanax and onto Trileptal (for seizures/bi-polar) and Zoloft...said i had to have BOTH of them. --> fast forward a few months...i wanted so badly to get OFF the meds so i talked (responsibly) to my therapist AND my psychiatrist and they both said "NO! DON'T DO IT!"...and scared me so much that i stayed on.

this went on for a long time. eventually the shrink put me on TWO MORE meds so in the end I am on Trileptal, Zoloft, Wellbutrin & Adderal.

this is ridiculous. i have been watching myself lose my: personality, sense of humor, memory, joy, and everything else that makes me tick. it finally occured to me last night that it is the drugs...NOT me. i was fine before the drugs - i was motivated and happy and peaceful and strong... and i will be better off without them!

sooooooo....i did some research today and made the (maybe not-so-smart) decision to take myself off these meds without the doctor (who will either convince me to stay on what i have or add another one to combat the effects of these).

i read that you should wean off slowly..taking up to a year to get off of all of them (screw that!)...or go to a 30 day inpatient withdrawl program at the hospital (don't think so!). that going off them suddenly will cause terrible side effects like psychosis, seeing things/hallucinations, hearing voices, BRAIN ZAPS, anxiety, depression, seizures, possible strokes, etc...  yeah. and for some reason i still think that going through these things is better than staying on the drugs for longer. i just want them OUT of my system! i HATE them. i hate who they make me.

...to me it's like ripping the band-aid off quickly.

...some people say that i might not recover from this though...that it might make me permanently crazy...

i'm ANGRY that someone created these things and doctors push them ALL for big business. "they" admit to not knowing how they actually work or what the side effects are going to be. they KNOW that people will struggle to get off of them...but somehow it's more important to get them ON them? i don't know.

i feel so much passion about this horrible error of ways, but due to over-drugging on the parts of the psychiatrists of the world, i am unable to express myself. f.

well. i didn't take my meds today. day one. it's been a bit weird. i can tell that i'm "not right"...but besides heart palpitations, panic attacks and vivid (sweat-the-bed-through) dreams this evening- i'm fine.

i'm so scared of the brain zaps.

anyway. lets see what happens.

good article: http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2007/08/08/the-art-of-living-and-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

ok...day two: took one 300mg trileptal & 100mg zoloft. pretty much slept all day. day three...took half (50mg) zoloft and that's it. i think i'll do that for a while and see what happens. incidentally, i am just sleeping a lot. not feeling motivated to do anything. as far as side effects go...i think i realized that i LIKE the brain zaps...if they are what i think they are, then i've had them before and i think they feel good. i thought they would be like SCARY and PAINFUL electric shocks to the brain...but these are like soft electric shocks... yesterday and the day before I had lots of anxiety- especially in the late afternoon/evening...but i'm feeling fine in that dept today. anyway. we'll see. i go to see shrink-man on Wed. until then i'll try to just do the 50mg of zoloft. oh. apparently Gail doesn't think this is a good idea either. no one does. but whatever. i'm gonna get rid of this and find me. seeeee...i can't even express myself...i  don't have the imagination, drive or clarity to explain what is going on with me, but i keep trying. keep fighting the fog.

day 6 or 7... middle of the night. yeah. i can't really sleep. last night i took two tylenol PMs and a benadryl to sleep and then i couldn't wake up until after 10am. gah. anyway....being off the meds is....GREAT! i can feel again. it's so weird. i realize now that i was really living in a fog...almost like treading through a 5 ft deep vat of mud... i had to think through HOW to get to my thoughts...it was really tiring. i'm feeling emotion again. granted i've cried quite a bit (which is a miracle cuz i hadn't cried for like a year... even when i had my melt down and moved into the crackhouse in Bristol...i still didn't shed one tear)... anyway...i feel. i think. i see. i laugh. i have hope. i have access to my thoughts on the present (as opposed to just living it and hoping it will all connect). i have had some anxiety and depression symptoms (chest pain/ache, itchiness, insatiable appetite, desire to drink, can't sleep or sleep too much)...but i really think i'm better off as i am right now...on half a dose of zoloft. i went to the psychiatrist who is supporting my decision, just wants to keep monitoring me. nice guy.

joe all of a sudden, in the last week or so, has decided that he HATES me though. pretty much sucks. he took back all the swearing and stuff and downgraded the "hate" to "does not like" me... but i think it is really getting to him that 1. i need him now and he doesn't have the capacity with everything else in his life to take care of me. 2. that i have different religious views than him. i don't like man-made religion. i don't like laws and hate and condemnation. i like love and creation. and 3...i am too "immature" for him. a 30yr old shouldn't behave like i do. he's probably right...but i am a free spirit. huh. i've never called myself that before. but i am.

Crazy. I'm SO GLAD that I have been SAVED from that life. JESUS LOVES ME SO. Wow.
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God movie

...I have no words to describe how wonderful and powerful and TRUTH-full The Chronicles of Narnia (movie) was.... I loved it deeply and was so blessed by the opportunity to see it (in 3D) with some of my favorite people tonight! The Spirit of God fell upon my soul and revealed truths to me in a new and fresh way through this film. I was SO BLESSSSSSSSED!

God, thank you for working through C.S. Lewis and please bless the families of those You ordained to bring this film to the masses. Amen.

The Chronicles of Narnia Clip: Sea of Lilies

"We have nothing if not belief" ~ Reepicheep
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MIA

I've been MIA in the blogosphere for a while, aye? Yep. I may stay MIA too, I'm not sure yet... but I felt like I should come throw myself a bone here. (Remember, I blog for ME... this is like my online Journal which I let YOU read too!  :))

Topics that are on my heart and bubbling up in my life. (These would make great blog topics but I can't commit to writing about them now so I'll just list them and come back to them if God leads me to do so!):
         * FAITH - gotta have it.
         * God's transcendent nature and the impact it has on human life and death.
         * The importance of remaining rooted in the Lord through good communication habits.
         * Cut the soul ties - no boys allowed! 
         * The REMNANT. I just want to talk about them.
         * The POWER and MIRACULOUS nature of, in, and through PRAYER.
         * I'm PREGNANT!  The gestation period: preparing to birth God's [brain] child! 

Hebrews 10:24-25 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

God let me be a part of two of the most amazing nights of encouragement!
First, the Lord made a way for some of my closest friends to get together and encourage one another .... it was SUCH a gift from God (that He planted a vision and plan in the heart of one of His kids who was SO OBEDIENT in fulfilling what He had her do to edify the body.)  My takeaway (besides being enormously blessed) was that I must remember to invest myself in building up the body and equipping the saints for works of ministry (Eph 4:12).

Then to top it all off, the very next day He let me help the North Raleigh Christian Academy's senior girls put on a "superlatives" presentation with an "Academy Awards" feel at Journey. These awards were no ordinary "superlatives" awards though....they didn't just have awards for "Best Eyes" and "Best Hair"....they had awards such as "Most Christ-like" and "Most Humble", etc.!! WOW!! Their encouragement for one another encouraged me....
I am just highly favored. An heir of the MOST HIGH.
As my friend Yvonne likes to say-- > "WOW GOD"!!!


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Twisted up

Please just pray for me. I'm really allllllllll set with whining about this. I'm really all set with battling it. I'm really all set with winning and losing. I'm really all set with everything about it.

I am done.

I read this yesterday:
"Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover these sins... Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God's mercy to us." (Hebrews 10:26, 29)

I am DESPERATE for repentance. TRUE, LIFECHANGING repentance. I WANT to turn from my sin- my stronghold - I WANT to TREMBLE with the desire to be obedient to God (the way I was one Sunday after church in January when I was standing emotionally naked before Pastor Smooth asking him how I could NOT listen to God?!)... I want to be back there- not caring about ANYTHING ELSE... ONLY BEING OBEDIENT.

I want to repent.
I want to want to repent.
I tried to repent. I literally CRIED out to God- screamed- for Him to take this from me. Has He? Is this blog evidence of His movement or is it me taking my thoughts into my own hands and trying to capture them so that I can hold onto them as some sort of fuel for myself someday? AHHHH!!! I'm CRAZY.

I'm double minded.
I desire freedom and I HAVE freedom, but I am not living in it. I am in perceived bondage. I already have what I want and I am not acting like it.  "Don't you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.... Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living." (Romans 6:16, 18)

So I'm a slave to righteous living.
That is my deepest desire- I thirst for righteousness. I want to be a living sacrifice. I want to pour out my life for Jesus.... so why am I not? Why am I choosing the world over my "deepest desire"?

HELP!!
I'm tortured!

AHHHH!!!! I have an admission and OH MY GOSH I just SCARED MYSELF--- LOOK AT ME?!!! I just realized that for the SECOND time in a month, last night I went on craigslist and just brrrrrowwwwwsed the "strictly platonic" personals. This doesn't sound like a scary thing to you- but to me, it's a taste of my old life- my 2009 dark life.... my "I'll fill the void myself" life.... ACK!! Both times I went on there for reasons that I felt were "worthy". (The first was that I thought I could "witness" to some people and the second was to post something for someone about their lost cat.... but that was NOT in the "personals" section....and I went there.) ACK!! I'm sick and sliding.... it's a slow fade when you give yourself away... (Casting Crowns).

This makes me think that I need to do something drastic to "offset" this sin/darkness.... but that actually KEEPS me in bondage to myself because then I start acting on my OWN POWER. I think that if I can just kick up helping other people... then I can save myself. But that is WRONG!!! The ONLY thing I can "kick up" is my time with GOD.

I'm a twisted chick.
Lord, please untwist me. God, please save me. Father, please HELP me. Jesus, you have already SAVED me. I pray for the awareness and gumption to live in that freedom. Amen.

<3

ps.  I want to go on craigslist again just to check it out. I also want to eat the rest of the Oreos in my cabinet.
pss.  RubyKaye just sent me Romans 11:1-24 which is SO GOOD. The WORD is LIFE. All of it.
psss.  Remember Romans 7:14-24 (Romans 6-8 = bomb!)

Not me- HE!

It's not about what I can do.
It's all about what HE can do.

...in the world, in me, in families, in relationships, in our hearts, in Raleigh, in Uganda, at Journey, in technology, in my mind, with my sin, in everything...it's not about what I can do- it is only about what YOU can do! All the glory and the honor and the power is Yours forever and ever!  (Amen)


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Good health is intentional

Please pray with me for confirmation, clarification and direction on the next steps for me in relation to Uganda.

Also- please lift me up. I HAVE to TRULY confess of and REPENT (turn from) my sin of gluttony. It consumes me. I know it and I still choose to fight it on my own. The battle is not mine- I will be sanctified and set free by His GRACE if/when I truly SURRENDER it! But stupid stupid me keeps picking it back up!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you about the rollercoaster of food "issues" that I've been on the last week and a half of my life! But I will tell you what I have learned/re-learned. That's that:

* Food is for for nourishment (not to numb me).
* Sugar consumes me and separates me from God.
* Good health is intentional.

Ohhhhhh okkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy I'll tell you about this...
So I fasted for 4.5 days. I essentially decided to do this crazy fast that I made up after I read Ezekiel 4:9-10. The plan was that I was going to stick with it for 39 days. It was going to be AWESOME!! :) :)

Days 1-3 actually were GREAT. :) God was all around me- blessing me from every angle! I was eating the scriptures for my meals (i.e. I had Ephesians for lunch one day, and Jeremiah 7 for breakfast....they were deeeelicous!) but - and here comes the bad part - then somewhere along there in day 2.5  I started feeling thinner. Feeeeeeeling thinner. (Feeling = thinking about self/what was going on in me. Thinner = body/self image.) Of course when I started feeling this way, my focus shifted to my flesh. AHHHH!!!!!! Satan is sooooo tricky because it was so subtle, but he sabotaged my fast- my offering to God- by making me think it was about me.

Days 3-5 turned into a slowly progressing and torturous diet that was all about me. I know God would have blessed it if I had kept going with my heart in the right place, but since I didn't, He was not with me. The lack of nutrients started getting to me and made my body and mind weak and by day four I couldn't even hold a conversation.  Halfway through day 5, because of the insistence of my sister, I ate an apple at which point I felt like I was coming back to life and started seeing the color of life again. Wheeeew! :)

Anyway- the point is that fasting or dieting or fads or whatever is not the answer. The ANSWER- which my sister pointed out- is that "good health is intentional". Good health is intentional.

That is SUCH a good, clear, concise, perfectly stated truth.
Good health is intentional.

Now if only I would OBEY.
I'm sick of blogging about food and gluttony and sin. I need to repent. I've battled it SO long. I've let it win so much. When will I let Jesus at it?? When will I truly give it to Him once and for all?

There are so many battles to fight in this world- so many REAL battles in the seen and unseen worlds that I should be involved in- but I'm not- I'm sitting on the sidelines because I can't get over myself.

Get over myself.

Help me abandon my shameful ways; 
for your regulations are good.
I long to obey your commandments!
Renew my life with your goodness.   (Psalm 119:39-40)

Flying with Rue

Rue and I were SO BLESSED yesterday to be taken up (as my friend Bekah said, closer to God! - ha!) in my friends' Geoff & Martha's plane!

Here are some shots from the trip:

 

 

 

 

 

Hymn #462

I just found this beautiful hymn which may have been written by John E. Bode & Arthur H. Mann. I am new to the hymnal world so I'm not sure why there is a name at the top right AND the top left. I would guess that one person wrote the lyrics and another wrote the tune. Nevertheless, it is a gorgeous offering to the Lord and I wanted to share it with you! :)

O Jesus, I Have Promised 

(Angel's Story) 

O Je-sus, I have promised 

To serve Thee to the end; 

Be Thou for ev-er near me, 

My Ma-ster and my Friend: 

I shall not fear the bat-tle 

If Thou art by my side, 

Nor wander from the path-way 

If Thou wilt be my Guide.

O let me feel Thee near me: 

The world is ev-er near; 

I see the sights that daz-zle, 

The tempting sound I hear; 

My foes are ev-er near me, 

A-round me and with-in; 

But, Je-sus, draw Thou near-er, 

And shield my soul from sin.

O Je-sus, Thou hast promised 

To all who fol-low Thee, 

That where Thou art in glo-ry 

There shall Thy serv-ant be; 

And Je-sus, I have prom-ised 

To serve Thee to the end: 

O give me grace to fol-low 

My Ma-ster and my Friend.

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Refocus

I have recently realized that much of my wrestling with my flesh and sin-nature is really the outcrop of inherent selfishness. My fears and addictions and obsessions are thorns polluting the field that the Lord has planted in my heart. I need to come back to the place of surrender. I need to come back to the place where I realize that it's not (never, ever, never will be) about me. (Yes, we'll go back that from January- It's not about you, Carissa. :))

My faithful and immutable Father has gripped my heart and re-kindled the fire in my soul to make a difference. My challenge is to constantly make sure that I'm making a difference by and for and in Him. If it's not for His glory, then it's a fail. If it's not in His power, then it's a fail.

Success can only occur when I respond in obedience to the call that He makes upon me - when I am filling the gap that He divinely reveals and equips me to fill. Remember, it's not about "striving".... it's about "responding".  It's not about you. It's about HIM and THEM and US.

This is the "Morning" portion from today's Charles Spurgeon's devotional "Morning & Evening" which goes along perfectly with the melody of my heart (Isn't that JUST LIKE God!!! He knows and responds to us in such mysterious ways! WOW! God's ways are so much higher than our ways!! (Is 55:9)) Remember: 

     "For my strength is made perfect in weakness." 
             -- 2 Corinthians 12:9

A primary qualification for serving God with any amount of success, and
for doing God's work well and triumphantly, is a sense of our own
weakness. When God's warrior marches forth to battle, strong in his own
might, when he boasts, "I know that I shall conquer, my own right arm
and my conquering sword shall get unto me the victory," defeat is not
far distant. God will not go forth with that man who marches in his own
strength. He who reckoneth on victory thus has reckoned wrongly, for
"it is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of
hosts." They who go forth to fight, boasting of their prowess, shall
return with their gay banners trailed in the dust, and their armour
stained with disgrace. Those who serve God must serve him in his own
way, and in his strength, or he will never accept their service. That
which man doth, unaided by divine strength, God can never own. The mere
fruits of the earth he casteth away; he will only reap that corn, the
seed of which was sown from heaven, watered by grace, and ripened by
the sun of divine love. God will empty out all that thou hast before he
will put his own into thee; he will first clean out thy granaries
before he will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God
is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs.
God will have no strength used in his battles but the strength which he
himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage,
for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give
thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being
filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting
up.

"When I am weak then am I strong,
Grace is my shield and Christ my song."

<3

Addiction - But God

Okay. Step one = I admit it. I am a food addict. I am a sugar addict. I am NOT in control and will never be in control of my tendencies to try to fill myself with food.  -- > But God (step two and three). 

I was in the "recovery" world for a bit.  I spent a couple years in the rooms of AA and Al-anon. This was about 6-8 years ago and today I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic. I had a drinking problem based on circumstances related to that season of my life.  However, God, in His infinite mercy, provided a way for me to be "healed" of my propensity to find my fulfillment in a bottle when He put me in the role of "caretaker" (and I put myself in the role of "enabler"- ha!) for my full-blown alcoholic/addict ex. (PRAISE= eventually our gracious God saved both of us from that life!)

While I'm on the topic of addictions, I would like to mention that I have also been very addicted to cigarettes and people and pot and adrenaline...oh and Craigslist personals....and Facebook and the computer...  Yeah- I'm an addiction addict! :)

But here's the deal...I do these things (things that I am "addicted to" ) to HARM myself in some way or other. The behavior starts with me trying to fill a void but it eventually gets to the point where I am so sick in my mind that I am showing HATRED to myself by letting something consume me.  I do these things to try to (a.) destroy myself and/or (b.) destroy the behavior by making myself ill (mentally or physically). I try to break myself (instead of allowing God to do the breaking for me- which He has already done on the cross).

That brings me to today.
Today I feel so guilty about how I "let God down" tonight that I am blogging about it and putting it out here in cyberland for all to see (my muck). The short story is that I had made a "pact" with God that I wasn't going to eat tonight.... I had a party at my house and I wasn't going to eat, but when the rubber hit the road, I ate. I lied to God. I was disobedient. (I believe with all my heart that He had asked me not to eat today and He was fully present and surrounded me with His strength and power to overcome my temptations, but I STILL caved. I willingly and disobediently turned from the ONLY WAY and the GREAT I AM and I went my own way. ACK!

...but NOW (here comes the good part) I'm going to call out the fact that guilt is not of God and recognize the fact that Satan wants me to focus on my failure instead of on the Redeeming LORD that has already paid the price for my inadequacies.

Right.... so what? So I fell (again).... now I must get up and keep pressing on...keep standing firm... (or, START or REstart standing firm! :))....

I am SO blessed.
I have an amazing SAVIOR who has already conquered the grave.
I have been chosen to be a member of His family!
I have God living IN ME.
I have a family in Christ in the flesh that the Lord has blessed me with to encourage me (and tonight so many of them DID...)

I just need to look to the hills... where my HELP comes from!  

"I have told you all this so that you may have PEACE in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world!" - John 16:33

ps. Ros, if you are reading my blog for the first time and you see this horrible entry, you are going to TOTALLY write me off of the blog train - this one is DEFINITELY a self-indulgent, whiny, self-centered blog.... but check another one. Every now and then God shares some pearls of wisdom through this medium. :)

<3

I'm a mess - But God

I'm a horrrrrrrrrrrrrible mess right now. I'm distracted and distractable. I'm unfocused and disobedient. I'm succumbing to the dark side (making compromises in the attempt to control my sin nature (CONTROL IT!!!) instead of REPENT and REJECT it!).... Last night I ate desserts for dinner and a pizza at 1am!

I wish I could describe the feeling of being completely cut in half.... because that's what I feel like.... there is a battle for my heart and mind and I am in the MIDST of it. God has told me over and over this week that HE has OVERCOME the world (John 16:33)!!! and just REST (Hebrews 4:10-11)..... and be OBEDIENT (1 Peter 1:14). TRUST in Him (Isaiah 26:3-4)... have FAITH (Hebrews 11:33)!

He wants me to come back before it is too late (Hebrews 6:4-8)

I am SO thankful for the friends that God has surrounded me with- people who love me and build me up. Just the right people at just the right time. One of those people, my dear dear friend Ashley, was used by the Lord to speak truth to me last night in the spirit of Hebrews 3:13.  <-- *Can you tell that I've been reading Hebrews? God told me to read Hebrews a good 3 days ago (maybe 2), but I hadn't done it. I wanted to read what I wanted to read (because I'm sooooooo close to having read through the whole Bible, I wanted to sprint to the finish (but God had other plans! :))

Anyway, I wanted to share a snippet from an email that Ashley sent me in response to the picture of the pizza that I sent her at 1am last night. Here.... here's the disgusting thing.... (I'm all about transparency... LOOK AT MY MESS!!!!!)

Here's Ashley's response (edited to only keep in the stuff about me- I DO respect her privacy a little (obviously not a LOT because I'm posting her email on my blog without her permission!: :)):

"Wow, that is a very large pizza.  Please tell me that you didn't consume the whole thing early this morning.  I will keep praying that you believe truly that God has already broken your addiction with food.  He has taken those chains and thrown them away.  You have put them back on. 

Don't worry, all things well be revealed soon.  God has a narrow path for you that is going to be difficult but worth every step.  That is what He has been preparing you for these past few months.  Satan has had to up his attacks because your life is that valuable.  He wants to derail you and God wants you to submit to whatever He has planned. 

There are great challenges ahead but each one of us will come through because Christ has already won.  These battles are a distraction, but our story has already been written and our paths chosen for us.  We just have to have faith and step out with a Yes for Him. 

Anyway, live in this moment and don't worry about the things of tomorrow.  If you do, then you are allowing the enemy to steal the beauty of what God has placed before you in this breathe.

I love you, My Sister in Christ!  You are beautiful!
Ashley "

Was that not the best letter EVERRRRRRRR???? I'm so blessed!
Okay... gotta get rolling.
God is SOOOO good!!!! :) :) He loves me so much, EVEN (especially?) in my mess!!!

Reminder from God

RESPOND, don't REACT.

I must not get sucked back into a place where I am living a life of reaction (to circumstances or people), but rather, I must be living a life of RESPONSE to the HOLY SPIRIT's movement.

Application = My focus, time and attention need to be SOLEY on God (by staying in the Word and in prayer) and then HE will show me what to do/ what to say/ where to go/ etc. 

Be intentional.
Respond, don't react.

<3

So much to do

There's soooo much to do. WHY am I BLOGGING?

Carissa, go READ your BIBLE. Go PRAY for all the people God has put in your life to lift up. Go clean and organize your home. Go nourish your soul with some resources that will help you grow in your knowledge of the Lord!!!

WHY ARE YOU BLOGGING??

Procrastination.
Avoidance.
Satan.
Ick.

By the way, please remember these verses that God is speaking to you (me) about today:

1 Peter 3:4 Clothe yourself instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Matthew 10:29-31 What is the price of two sparrows- one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Be OBEDIENT in EVERY LITTLE thing, Carissa. Please traipse down the trail of YESes. Please. Please. Please. Don't ever say "no" or "not yet".... this life exists FOR God and BY God and my every breath is for HIS GLORY. If that is true, I need to LIVE like it's true. I can't just say it.

Where am I being disobedient?
BLATANTELY disobedient?
Food.
Fasting.

God TOLD me to FAST. He is in the process of changing me from the inside out and He's [finally] getting to the "out"...the outside.... and now I'm getting in the way!!!! ARGH!!!! I'm SO DUMB!!!

It's been a good month since He told me what to do and instead of doing EXACTLY what He TOLD me to do (and what He has prepared me to do), I have been doing my OWN THING.... trying to "modify it" for MY "comfort".... trying to control it.

ick. CONTROL.

I think I know better than God.
WHAT IS WRONNNNG WITH ME????

SURRENDER the throne, Queen Carissa!! Surrender the throne! Please. With LOVE, and REVERANCE, give it ALL to HIM!!! He's GOT IT.  :)

Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna go do something productive now.

Love you. (me) You.

<3

I didn't mean it!

So this week I did what I have now realized was an absolutely HORRIBLE thing- I asked God to break me. I was driving and praying and feeling close to Him when I realized that I hadn't felt so close to Him in a long time.... then I got greedy and wanted moooooooore! :) :) So I prayed a prayer asking for brokenness...asking Him to free me of anything that was taking my focus and my heart off of His will and purpose for my life.

So far, our FAITHFUL LORD has provided! Here's a list of some of the things that I have "dealt with" in the past 5 days:

1. Idols/ Perceived Control: I smashed my car into a curb and busted my tire and broke more of the front of it (meh).  But that day God forced me to be still and read the Bible and pray for about two hours while I was waiting for my friend to come and "rescue" me. (Bonus blessing! - It also provided the opportunity for my friend and I to catch up and have a GREAT conversation - none of which would have happened if I hadn't crashed.)

2. Relationships/ Selfishness: I was harboring resentment at my roommate. It was destructive and hurting us both. It ate at me until God forced me to look at it and then He told me EXACTLY how to deal with it. He continues to remind me of Matthew 7:3.

3. Finances/ Self-Sufficiency: I have been sheltered from financial worries for the past few months (I haven't earned a paycheck since May), but I trusted WHOLEHEARTEDLY that the LORD would provide. I said "trustED" because in the past week or two, I started worrying about it. My parents graciously gave me birthday money and I wanted to buy something for myself with it but I have unpaid bills so I paid them with it and then I started pouting (internally). I started thinking that I needed stupid things that I DON'T need. (I need NOTHING. I have MORE THAN I need!!!) So anyway- a few days ago I found myself opening a pile of unopened bills and when I did, I started crying. I felt overwhelmed and out of control and I HATED IT.  BUT GOD. But God held me close in that moment and told me that HE has it all under control. He said to give it to HIM. To TRUST HIM.

Last night's life group study was on FAITH. "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." - Jesus (Mark 5:36)

4. Miracle/ Realities of the Spirit Realm: I saw a pseudo exorcism. Okay... ah hem...that's a biiiiiiiiit much (exorcism!)...it was actually the breaking of bondage through fervent and powerful group prayer and it rocked my world (not to mention the girl's world who was FREED!) WOW! I guess that wasn't really a part of MY breaking- it was a part of my friend's breaking.... but it was AWESOME to witness such a miracle. A healing. It was a testament of God's POWER against the forces of the spiritual realm.

5. Pride/ Control/ Self-Image/ Idols/ Self-Sufficiency: I lost four hours worth of work in an instant. (I stupidly closed a spreadsheet without saving it.) This is the most recent thing (it happened a little over an hour ago) and I was soooooooo upset!! I had to, at that time, also pack up my stuff and come home to finish work, so on the drive home God got a hold of my bitter and prideful heart and He showed me how I wasn't as important as I think I am and that my work is DEFINITELY NOT as important as I think it is.

In the past few days I have been marveling at how inept I feel with my work. I know this is prideful- but I really USED TO BE sooooooo good at whatever I put my mind to. I was a project manager and I was a whiz with data analysis and process mapping and innovative ideation, etc. and now I can't even make a spreadsheet LOOK pretty, let alone make it function professionally.

God is showing me that my gifts and talents are to be used for HIS GLORY in HIS TIME. "The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" (Job 1:21)

This morning I loved Psalm 115:1 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness."

Anyway, God is dealing with me. I prayed for brokenness and He is graciously answering my prayer. Though I don't like it, I LOVE IT! I NEED IT! I am a MESS. 

I realize that I am selfish, and self-sufficient, and self-important. I am building up my own little kingdom where I sit on my own little throne. I'm SICK and LOST. and I NEED a SAVIOR!!

Thank the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY that Jesus came and died on the cross for my sins! He has SAVED ME! He has given me His Spirit- the spirit of TRUTH which convicts, teaches, and comforts me. HOW BLESSED am I?? How DARE I get all high and mighty on myself??? I think that I am something... I think that anything that I DO is ANYTHING!? It's NOTHING. The only thing that is anything is GOD.

The only thing that is anything is GOD.

I am GLAD that my work was lost. There is NOTHING that I can do on MY power that will make me any better or worse. God wants me to rely on HIM ALONE. I cannot be "good" at a job. I cannot be "successful" or "impressive"....I can only be HIS.

How blessed am I that the God of the UNIVERSE lives INSIDE me??!!! Whaaaaat?

He teaches me everyday! THANK YOU LORD for teaching me (over and over and over again) that YOU are KING and I exist only for YOUR GLORY. Not Paul's glory. Not Journey's glory. YOUR glory.

God, I hear you. You want me to spend more time with YOU. Less time on tasks and more time with you. It's NOT about being seen or known or appreciated - it's only about serving YOU wholeheartedly ALL the TIME.

Yes, it's about saying YES.... to YOU!!!!

Yes. I will spend more time with you.
Yes. I will trust you.
Yes. I will follow you.
Yes. I will wait.
Yes. I will do whatever you tell me to do.
Yes. I will pray for brokenness if it's what you require. I want to be broken of me. I want my will and plans and dreams and expectations to be REMOVED- swept away - and replaced with the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me. I want to be ALL of YOU and NONE of ME.

Help me Lord.
I need you, Lord.

Ice Cream Repentance

"So pay attention to how you hear. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what they think they understand will be taken away from them. " ~ Jesus

For realz.

That's from Luke 8:18, by the way. And God showed it to me today... REMINDING ME to LISTEN....and to pay attention to how I hear. I need to hear with my whole heart. I need to hear in the Spirit and in Truth. I need to hear > listen > respond.

hear > listen > respond

hear > listen > respond I say as I swallow a mouthful of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. God said that food - sugar - separates me from Him. He says that it consumes me. He says that it HURTS ME and my relationship with Him (the ONLY relationship that matters) yet I am stiiiiiillllll pushing my luck- I am doing it as a means of torture to myself- hurting myself- eating garbage until I hurt. I am sick. I can't control it and, Carissa, that's the point. YOU can't control it!!! ONLY GOD can. GIVE IT TO HIM!! Give it to Him again. Yes. Surrender AGAIN. Do it now.

Wow. God is talking to me and I am preparing to ignore Him. I still want to take another bite. It's OBVIOUS to me that HE is with me RIGHT NOW telling me not to take another bite. To trust Him. To REPENT and TURN from my sin (Remember it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. James 4:17).

Okay. I turned.

Whoa. "You choose to obey or you choose to disobey." <--I just tuned into my roommate reading to her 3 year old daughter and teaching her this. Perfect timing. God is awesome.

I CHOOSE TO OBEY!!!
I choose to repent. (Acts 3:19)
I choose to turn from my sin and turn toward JESUS- the author and perfecter of my faith! (Heb 12:2)
I choose to ward off temptation through PRAYER! (Luke 22:46, Eph 6:18)
I choose to LISTEN. (Luke 8:18)

I do not want my understanding to be taken from me. Understanding is life. I must be able to know, hear, understand, communicate through the WORD of the LORD. AHHHHHH!!!

WHY am I so DAFT??? All we like sheep have gone astray!! (Isaiah 53:6)  UGH!!!

By the way, I know that I was just talking about this two days ago, but I went away for the weekend for my mom's 60th birthday party and while I was there I saw Nehemiah 8:10 which I used to excuse myself for gluttony. Nehemiah 8:10 says ..."Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks..."  - So I did it. And I was wrong. Satan used scripture to twist me up (again)- I see that He tries to do that often (Matt 4:6)) - and I fell for it! UGH! The rest of Nehemiah 8:10 (which I see only NOW because I'm looking at it again) talks about sharing with people who don't have anything prepared and not to feel dejected and sad etc....)....anyway... it was NOT saying "Carissa, please willfully sin and do as you please for a few days... PLEASE jump off the cliff of sin for a few days...no problem Carissa... you do as you please...."... UGH UGH UGH!

Father, please protect me from myself. Lord, you are SO FAITHFUL and WONDERFUL and LOVING! You gave me an AMAZING weekend away! You filled my heart with awestruck wonder at Your Creation and the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the miracle of life and relationships and people. Thank you for walks in the woods. Thank you for mountains and vibrantly colored autumn leaves! Thank you for the most expansive and mind-blowing night sky and for sharing it with ME. Oh, God, I'm sorry that I make everything about me. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish. I'm sorry that I feel entitled to...everything. I'm sorry I'm so wasteful with your stuff. I'm sorry that I sinned. Lord, I sinned BADLY. I thank you for graciously pulling me back. YOU have GRACE. You ARE GRACE. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the lashings you took for ME. I am sorry - there are no words (or earthy emotion) that can comprehend what you did for me and I'm sorry that this weekend I spit in your face. I sinned willfully and took You and what you did for me for granted. But you are so FAITHFUL. You are still here by my side LOVING ME. Teaching me. Guiding me into truth. You have me in the Bible and in prayer and you've taken the ice cream from my hands and you hold me now. Thank you for always holding me. Lord I am undeserving and too numb (and human) to be sufficiently grateful. Teach me to be grateful. Teach me not to take you for granted. Teach me not to be selfish. Break me of my pride and self-sufficiency and sin. I want to be lost in You forever and ever. Amen.

<3

Compromises

It's the small compromises that drag you away and lead you into sin.

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away... it's a slow fade, when black and white have turned to gray. - Casting Crowns



Casting Crowns - Slow Fade (official video) from Casting Crowns on Vimeo.



For example:
God showed me that my obsession with sugar was separating me from Him. (It consumed me and took my focus off Him and put it on things of this earth- namely- food. Consumed with consumption.) So I decided that I wasn't going to eat sugar (this is per the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE! So I better be obedient!) and I've done good so far, I guess. But I've NOT done great...I've not been FAITHFUL.

I started off well....reading all the labels of everything I ate... and if it had the slightest trace of sugar, I said "NO WAY! I'm steering clear of that!!" But one day I was at someone's house and I didn't want to be rude, so I didn't ask what was in the food....and then I ate a piece of bread. We all know that bread...white, processed, fancy fabulous bread MUST have SUGAR in it!! Sooooo.... since I had done it once, and since God didn't send down fire from heaven to burn me up (ha!) ... I started eating bread regularly.... and then before I knew it I was eating mondo amounts of Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches and perusing the ice cream aisle at Walmart! UGH!!!

For the record, I still haven't eaten any deserts or anything really sugary (by the GRACE of GOD who LOVES me and HOLDS me).... but I DID eat a bag of frozen corn with some sauce on it that had sugar as an ingredient and I KNEW it and I SHOULDN'T have eaten it, but I DID. I also have been eating whatever else people cook for me (pretending to myself that I wasn't thinking through the fact that there is probably sugar in all the ingredients (i.e. salad dressing on a salad)). I'm sooooo TWISTED!

Anyway- I confess. I'm calling myself out. And I'm going to rely on the Holy Spirit to keep working in me to conform me into Christ's image... to make me into someone who God can be proud to call His child. 

Carissa,
WHAT could possibly be more important than being 100% OBEDIENT to the CREATOR, SUSTAINER, PROVIDER, SOURCE of all things? He created me. I must obey!

"If your hand- even your stronger hand - causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." - Jesus (Matthew 5:30)

Love the names of God

Here are a few.

El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)

You reign, I rest

Lord God, create in me a clean heart. Help me to rest in You - Your yoke is easy. I pray for childlike faith and perfect peace. I surrender my will to You, El Olam. Amen.  

Psalm 51:10  Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Isaiah 30:15  Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.
Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.  
Luke 18:17  I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! 


Ringing in my ears and heart: 
lyrics from Starfield's Reign In Us:

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and puify our lives
we need your perfect love we need your discipline
we're lost unless you guide us with your light

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know you reign you reign in us

<3

More important

I'm more important than you.

Yep. That's what I think. <--- and it makes me want to BARF!!!!!!
Ugh.

I have been DECEIVED by my own pride and desire to control and judge people. I am essentially making myself into a little "god" who thinks that I can RULE and REIGN on the throne of my life (and my friends too!) and it's SICK-O!!!

*ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!*

Oh, but I feel better now that that's out there. :) Let me get ALLLL the ICK out! I can't keep holding all this stuff in! It just multiplies itself and takes me further and further from the only One who matters. I can't...won't... keep pretending that I'm GOOD. I'm NOT. I'm a MESS like all of the human race and our sin nature and our enemy-twisted minds!

I say all this with LOVE for myself... not self-created love, but ABUNDANT LOVE that flows from the Source who lives in me! God loves me SO MUCH that He continues to answer my prayer to "show me me"!! I'm SO blessed. SO blessed.

I KNOW in my head that "it's not about me"- but my pride- my ego- my self- my flesh heart is constantly trying to make it about me- EVEN while in an "it's not about me posture".  Isn't that crazy? I'm sooooo TWISTED that I try to twist myself into thinking that I'm one of the untwisted ones!!! wow.

Anyway, I'm trying to drag all the darkness out into the light. I just wanted to admit how judgmental I am.  How I judge others and try to fit them into MY expectations and if they don't fit there, I either try to make them fit there (if I feel they are "worthy", OR I write them off as not worth my time/energy).  I am controlling. I am prideful. I'm UGLY on the inside.

God revealed to me today that I have started holding onto [perceived] responsibility that He has given me as though it belongs to me.  Helllllloooo, Carissa! Remember that you don't have any ACTUAL responsibility other than RESPONDING to the Lord when He speaks.... (and if I want to hear Him speak, I need to be in communion with Him, which technically makes me responsible for prayer and reading the Word.... yes... I digress... :))

Anyway, I don't need to put on any facades as though I think just because God chose me to do such and such (i.e. divine appointments to love on/talk to certain people or projects or assignments or activities or whatever) that I'm worth something. I am nothing but His BELOVED CHILD (which is EVERYTHING, aye?) :) But plllllease, for goodness sakes remember that:
 
Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. (Luke 14:11)

Today I was LOVING (with a capital L) 2 Chronicles!! There are SOOOOO many great stories in there!! (God talked to me specifically about Uzziah (which I can't get into now because I'm trying to keep my blog post length under control, but essentially He wanted to remind me to stay in my own lane and not to overstep my bounds (pride))....

Oh, but my POINT was that in Chapter 19 when Jehoshaphat (what a name!) was appointing Judges, he gave them this advice:

• Always think carefully before pronouncing judgment (v.6)
• Remember you do not judge to please people, but to please the Lord (v.6)
• Fear the Lord and judge with integrity (v.7)
• You must always act in the fear of the LORD, with faithfulness and an undivided heart. (v9)
• Take courage as you fulfill your duties, and may the LORD be with those who do what is right. (v.11)

I think this applies because I should do the same when making a "judgment" on something.... not people (I have NO right to judge people: Matthew 7:1 Do not judge others, and you will not be judged)! These are great reminders as I go forward judging situations - I can/should measure my decisions against this list. Have I thought carefully about it? Will it glorify God? What are my motives? Am I being brave in the LORD? Yeahhhh....

The Word is SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!
Thank you God for giving it to us!!

LOVE!


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Radical obedience

So here's the deal- I WANT to be like Elijah and LISTEN to the Word of the Lord and RESPOND with INSTANT and FERVENT OBEDIENCE.

I have two things that I would like to discuss because I need you to help hold me accountable to the first and I need to record/marvel at the second.

1. God told me not to eat sugar. Okay- it didn't really go down like that... He just showed me (lovingly and patiently) that sugar CONSUMES me...(when it should be the other way around- ha!)...and separates me from Him. This has been a long time coming and it is a HUGE GIFT that He has shown me the root cause of much of my grief and connection to the world/flesh. He GRACEFULLY showed it to me (without giving me a disease or heart attack- just revealed) and then left the ball in my court.

It's my responsibility to take action- to step out in faith and obedience and REAP THE BLESSINGS of doing so. So today I am officially cutting refined sugar out of my diet. I will eat fruit and nature's sugar- but no more "sweets"! Jesus died on the cross for my sins- He gave up ALL HIS FLESH... I can give up this one little thing.  Two verses that are speaking to me regarding that:

James 4:17 "Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." - I KNOW that I OUGHT not eat sugar because it makes me sin. It controls me and causes me to take my eyes off God. (FYI, this is just for me- I don't think this applies to everyone... It's just what our very personal God has shown ME).

1 Peter 4:2 "...for if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin."  I want to be finished with sin!! I want to suffer for (which puts me in a place where I am DESPERATE FOR) Christ!!

2. Yesterday God told me what I can tell people who ask me "What do you do for a living?" - I have tried to avoid that question for the past few months because my answer is always so marshmellow-y ("ummm...I work for God..." etc.)... but He gave me clarity and a "position". I am a Disciple. I am a follower of Jesus!  Yesterday I watched this sermon (Radical, week 1) by Jimmy Carroll at Journey Church, and he talks about how their leadership team defines a "Christ follower" as someone who is "getting to know Him and responds". That word- "respond" is a HUGE word. It's all about ACTION!

So here's my crazy story: 
Yesterday God told me to make a cardboard sign that says "PRAY" and then go and stand on a street corner. Today I did it. I was scared and nervous and fearful at first- but God BLESSED it. He was SO PRESENT. He held my hand. He encouraged me. He showed me that I was a good girl and that He was able to work through my obedience and humility. He told me when and where to go and how long to stay. (There were many times I wanted to leave (especially when it started raining)- but He said to hang on a little longer). I had been out there a little over 2 hours and felt Him tell me to "pack it up" but I told Him that I wanted to stay longer - I would go all day!!! But He told me something very profound and important. He reminded me that I can't do it on my own power and that I have to listen to Him. He told me there would be another opportunity but that it was time to go home.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY???? Yes!

It was awesome. There were a LOT of people that encouraged / celebrated with me. There were a lot of people that I saw that were challenged. There were a lot of people that I couldn't read. There was one woman who was writing a sermon on prayer for Sunday and she was inspired. There were at least 3 people that tried to give me cash - :)  <--no, I didn't take it!! ha! 

God let me stand on a street corner and PRAY and WORSHIP Him with strangers!!!! WHAT?!!! WOW!!!! He let me be a part of His work! Hundreds and hundreds of people saw the word "PRAY" today. If it helped even one person to lift their eyes up to our HOLY and RIGHTEOUS Father in Heaven, it was worth overcoming all the fear in the world!!

ps. There was only one person that gave me a "thumbs down". God protected my heart and I think He led me to pray for him. Awesome!!

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Who's the Temple?

I'm the TEMPLE!
Today God told me through 2 Chronicles 7:14-16 that I AM the Temple...

The promises made to Solomon about God's Temple being dear to His heart are so applicable today! Post-Jesus, WE are the little living Temples- our hearts/souls are where the Spirit of the Lord lives... the LIGHT in US is contained in the Holy of Holies... our hearts! OH MY GOSH- I'm about to have a heart attack because this is SO BIG!!!! See what happens? I just graze over this stuff in my mind when I read it, but now and then something catches and it cuts me deep. I've gotta study this Temple stuff more. I've gotta go back and learn more about how the Temple was made- I bet all the specifications, measurements, and materials MEAN something (duh, Carissa! Of COURSE they do!)!  - Whoooooaaaaa-  I just tied this back (in my mind) to the way if someone who was unclean went into the Holy of Holies, they DIED! EEEP!! - I digress (and can't really explain or take the time to wrap my head around what I just said, so I'm gonna let it go for now). 

So anyway, God took this passage and applied it to my life because right now I feel so RIDDLED with SIN (which could be because I am not feeling as close to Him- I'm exhausted and am not being obedient to all that HE tells me to do... I'm not basking in the Presence of the Lord the way I have before...I'm not praying as fervently as I have before... I'm not reading as much of the Word as I MUST (it's my FOOD!)... and I feel (again), hung up on other's expectations of me.) 

So God told me to SURRENDER (again and again and again)! --> To stop trying to CONTROL my life, circumstances, desires, etc. He has lovingly shown me that when I try to control anything for myself, He lets me and the outcome of that is EMPTINESS <--and lots of other ugliness that comes with the desire to fullfill mySELF. He wants me to HUMBLE myself and PRAY and SEEK HIM!!!... and when I do that EARNESTLY, the only outcome is that I WILL to REPENT and TURN from my sin (control, pride, gluttony, lust, deception, etc.)....

PRAY. I have to pray. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.  That means- take the TIME to pray. Have MARGIN in your life, Carissa. REST. Just BE with HIM!!!!!

And when I do that, He promises to restore me.
I will it, Lord. Restore me.
I surrender -again.


2 Chronicles 7:14-16
Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land. My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place. For I have chosen this Temple and set it apart to be holy- a place where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart.

______________________________________

Lord, You are so faithful. Thank you for your all powerful, all knowing, never changing, fully present holiness and love. Amen.

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Radical blessing

I'm sure ya'll have heard me talking about the anointed book (Radical) that rocked my world (it actually ATE my world for two days while I was reading it- SOBBING in the Spirit) - well guess what? Today God POURED OUT HIS BLESSINGS on me.... I am SO HUMBLED and in AWE of our AMAZING GOD!!!...  because today He gave me MORE of that GOODNESS- He gave me the opportunity to see David Platt (the author of that book) speak LIVE about Elijah!! WHAT?!! 

Here's the 6 takeaways from tonight's talk (taste each word):
1. Elijah's identity was shaped in the solitude of God's presence.
2. His will was completely abandoned to the word of God.
3. He took great risks for God's great glory.
4. His spiritual battles were great, but God's grace was greater.
5. He leaves a legacy for God's glory among people he will never meet in this life.
6. Elijah knew this world was not his home.

God LOVES ME SO!!!! I just want to POUR MYSELF OUT TO HIM in THANKSGIVING!!!! (But there is no where near enough of me to come close to thanking Him for what He did for me- yesterday, today, and for all eternity- His GRACE is indescribable and incomprehensible!)


BTW: Best book EVER --> www.radicalthebook.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmmm... I kinda feel bad saying "best book EVER"... because frankly, it's a lie. The BIBLE is the best book EVER... but that's more like LIFE - BLOOD - BREATH - GOD - not a book.  Welllll- ALSO a book! :) 

 

I also happen to really love to bask in A.W. Tozer books. Oh BOOKS make me SOOOO HAPPY!! What has happened to me? How did I become such a nerd??? :) :) Let's see.... for the fun of it- here's my list of all time fav books (today):

• Pursuit of God (A.W. Tozer)
• Forgotten God (Francis Chan)
• Radical (David Platt)
• Hole in the Gospel (Richard Stearns)

 I'm also currently reading and loving:

• The Cost of Discipleship (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
• Knowing God (J.I. Packer)
• Miscellaneous Tozer books (On Worship and Entertainment, The Counselor, Knowledge of the Holy)
• Too Busy Not to Pray (Bill Hybels)

I am really not as into books this week as I was last week though- I'm realllllllllly into the WORD. That's good. That's where God wants me. I'm loving Psalm and James today!

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Suit up!

Ephesians 6:10-20 (New Living Translation)

The Whole Armor of God

 ¹⁰ A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. ¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. ¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
 ¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.
 ¹⁹ And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly explain God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. ²⁰ I am in chains now, still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.

Thank you Biblegateway.com

Suit up.
Stand firm.
Pray!!!

Sinning to the nines

Have you ever heard that phrase "Dressed to the nines'"? What does it mean?? Technically, I don't really know (I'll look it up in a minute) but I DO know how we USE it. We use it when we are trying to say that someone is going "all out" in their apparel. So that's what keeps rolling through my head as I think about "Sinning to the nines" - I'm "going all out" in sin. Blech!

I see myself though. What I am thinking when I am "sinning to the nines" is that I am trying to "get it all out of my system". I figure that if I "mess up", that I should just KEEP messing up until I get to the BREAKING POINT!

That's kinda daft, isn't it?
I wonder if it's normal. I know that my ex used to do it too- maybe that's why we liked eachother. Indulgent sinners. Ick. Anyway- I watched him do it time after time- it was self-destruction with a goal- to blow up the building and start fresh...

That's what I'm doing.
STOP!!
What is wrong with me???

ps. Here's a link I found about what Dressed to the Nines means (or doesn't mean).

Bloodline

Do you think we (as believers) are descendants of the holy Jewish bloodline?? I wonder if since many of us in America are "mutts" if we could have some Jewish blood in us? Maybe THAT determines who we are or what moves us?  Maybe we are gentile versions of them- I mean- we ARE - we are "grafted in" (Romans 11:17-18).... but maybe we have some real droplets of blood tooooo??? Let's play this game (for fun only- because I am obviously being kooky here... we are what GOD makes us and that's all that matters.... Jew or Gentile, if we believe, we are HIS!!) Okay... but game time:

If you were Jewish, which family do you think you'd be in? I think this might take some research. :) Do you think you might be a Levite? Are you from the line of Aaron?? Are you a musician (maybe from family of Asaph, Heman or Jeduthun)? ...or maybe you are a Gatekeeper?? ...or a descendant of one of the kings or prophets or... I dunno... (and I DON'T know what I'm talking about here. I need to talk to a Bible scholar in a bad way about this. It's sooooo interesting! :))

I have had this question rolling around in my head for a weekish now (I've been reading 1 Chronicles if that gives you any inkling of where my mind is) - I've thought that I might be a Levite but today I found myself wondering if maybe I'm a descendant of Moses (or maybe just a gentile version) - (1 Chron 23:14) - BAAAH HA HA HA HA!!! I'm SOOOO PRIDEFUL - I think I'm SOOOOO important that I think I can be from MOSES!! LOL!! :D

BTW- 1 Chronicles is an AWESOME book! Oh, the WHOLE BIBLE is the BEST... but I especially loved chapters 16, 28 & 29. Here are some highlights:

16:8 - Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done.
16:11- Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him.
16:36 - Praise the LORD, the God of Israel who lives from everlasting to everlasting!
28:9,10 - Worship and serve him with your whole heart and a willing mind. for the LORD seeks every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you see him, you will find him. But if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. So take this seriously. The LORD has chosen you to build a Temple as his sanctuary. Be strong, and do the work.
28:20 - Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
29:11 - Yours, O LORD, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O LORD, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things.


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