Allowing

The KEY is nonresistance and non-clinging... just allowing... and living in the FLOW.

I AM a channel of LOVE.

I'm learning about the Law of Attraction. I choose LOVE. Life isn't what I thought it was - it's not something to cling to. It is a blessed opportunity of awareness and creation.

I get to PAINT LOVE.

I AM JOY. I get to live in JOY. I get to BE JOY.

It's been a wild ride. An interesting season. A season of shedding lower density energy and emotions and traumas... I'm getting a new mind. Renewing my mind.

Abraham began speaking to me 10 years ago. At some point I allowed my ego to speak over truth and mind ran away with what I call my life. I'm so grateful to God/Source for bringing me back and opening my heart and allowing me to begin to hatch again. I get to live on the mountain top, but this time I have more understanding. Last time it was a GIFT - a glimpse - but I had to learn that it existed to learn that it's worth the "work". The work of allowing. The work of letting go. Of surrender. I guess I surrendered before... maybe this time it's just that I have to shed all that I picked up since the original GIFT.

Does Abraham speak through me? (I recently learned of and have been listening daily to Abraham-Hicks and it has occurred to me that I have an "Abraham-Wages" situation and opportunity going on here. I just don't know what to do with it. Yes you do. Keep learning. You're doing it now. It's about listening to me and practicing what I say. You're doing a very good job.

See?
I can turn it on... or maybe not. That's so egotistical. I can't... basically Source energy is available for anyone who is open to hearing it. And I'm open. Sometimes. I want to be open more. I want for it to be part of my desire to be a channel of Love. I want to be a channel of Love... and that's what that is... Abraham is or has the most beautiful love... and they are funny too... and wise... and I can learn and I want to help others... but I see... there's still too much Carissa involved... too much of Carissa wanting to be this channel... too much ego... too much world. When I can let go of my desire to be someone or something or recognized and just allow what IS to BE and just get in the stream and swim with it ... or rather to FLOAT with it and allow it to take me where it takes me and not letting it be about me being taken anywhere... it's about all of us... tikkun olam... the world being raised in consciousness through LOVE (which is the only thing that is actually REAL... everything else is a mirage). You see that mixed bag there? You're trying to say something that you think is meaningful but it's EFFORT and it's not LIGHT.

Beloved Carissa. Be patient with yourself. Allow me and allow us to unfold. Good.

  

Slip into the dream

I mean, it's kind of a scary experience and I resisted a little, but I also observed what seemed like a chink in reality. I saw for a split second that I AM Dr. Wilson - I saw how some of what he is seeing and paying attention to, I am seeing and paying attention to. He is more developed so he is able to move around more in the revelations where I just get a glimpse. But when I talk to him or read his work I often see that he has picked up on the same things I've thought about during the same time periods. But for that glimpse I realized that life is but a dream... and he is a different layer of the same character.

I also learned from Victoria that my heart discomfort (flipping, flopping, palpitations, skipping, etc. of late) are beCAUSE of the dehydration. I didn't put it together. Dr. Wilson said I was dehydrated but I didn't realize that caused the heart stuff.... he also said I needed zinc and my potassium was low so I thought that was causing it... I think zinc will help calm me and help my heart and potassium is causing the anxiety/panic attacks. Which is why I need to rest. And eat and drink well. Dealing with getting horses trimmed all afternoon is the opposite of rest.

I think Ammi and Corie and others are all part of the same root ball - we are all connected.

Okay, I've got to go lay down. I love you. Learn to love me.

Life and God does everything for you

Yesterday I was driving to town on Brogden Road and all of a sudden everything became very clear and focused. I looked down and saw that I was speeding and I realized that life was fragile. I looked up and saw a car at a crossroads in front of me and they sat there for a while (it's a pretty straight road) but as I got close, they pulled out. I was trying to slow down from speeding but was going about 60MPH (in a 55) ... it was close but I slammed on my breaks and swerved around them (they stopped in the middle of the road). It was scary but I was calm - I could see so clearly the woman's face (and that she had an old woman passenger) ... her face didn't register anything... she was just watching. It was strange. I got by them and my heart started racing (adrenaline response) but my body took care of calming itself within a few minutes. It was just so strange to have everything become so clear right before that moment. You hear that time slows down before an accident...but this was a "miss" (thanks be to God). But what this showed me is that I don't need to (shouldn't) worry about everything... everything takes care of itself the way it should. If I should have had that accident (where at least two of us would have died), it would have been. I just need to accept and allow....and observe.

Thanks be to God... Whole... I AM... WE ARE...

My hormones are out of balance - too much estrogen I think. I think I have a ovarian cyst that may have burst (or not yet) and it's causing a hormone surge. I have "heat" rising... maybe kundalini rising... but "stuckness" of energy in my head. I have head fullness - head aches - neck aches - and quite concerning because it's so new, for the past 3.5 days I've had tremors in my nether-regions...not really my uterus and not really my colon (but maybe colon). They come and go but have been consistent night and day.

What do I need to DO?
Jennifer came yesterday and suggested that I don't need to do anything... but mustn't I respond. Mustn't I "push down"? Mustn't I ground and focus on my tenth chakra (I just learned that my 10th chakra is below my feet. I need to look into this more.)

I intend... maybe I still WANT (which is a blocker) for my energy core to be strong and open and everything to flow. Can I not do that with my MIND. No. Not my MIND... for me "mind" is the tricky one ... ego's got it wrapped around her finger. I am learning to trust Body to take care of herself - she's done a bang up job for 42 years despite all I've thrown at her - I need to just support her better - love her better - appreciate her better - and get Mind off her back! Mind is a troublemaker - she's always making up fear and problems and trying to birth them through ego and body. Consciousness sees. Thanks be to God.

What about Awareness? Is Awareness greater than Consciousness? Body encircled by Mind encircled by Consciousness encircled by Awareness. I got that before but maybe not anymore... maybe it's just Body/Mind/Consciousness. Is Consciousness the same as Spirit? One Spirit. One God. One Consciousness. Mind tricks us into duality.

Ultimately I need to surrender all - even this (especially this) trying to figure it out. It's Mind trying to figure it out.... so is Mind the same as Ego? Consciousness already knows everything so if I just FLOW in consciousness everything is take care of and everything will balance itself out in time.

Mind wants me to hurry. Mind wants to be in control. Mind wants to BE GOD.

You see.
I see.
But then what? To do or not do?
Be.
Rest like a bird in her nest.
You added the bird in her nest part. Just Rest. The bird has become overused and stale - ego took it. That's ego too. Oh man. Shhhhhh.

Anyway,
Yeah. I need to eat my vegetables.

Should I go to Dr. Xiu? It wouldn't hurt. Will it help? Probably.

Thanks be to God. to YOU. to ME.... the "deep I". Shhhhhhhh

Life Coaching with Nancy ETC.

Some takeaways from today's (2nd) Life Coaching with Nancy:

I realized that "accepting" and "allowing" is a process for my THOUGHTS.
"surrender" is a process for my EMOTIONS.

Is "letting go" BOTH? Yes, I think.

Either way, I desire calm and peace and the mind of a child (which is full of acceptance and observation - sees things as they are instead of wanting to manipulate them).

My thoughts dictate how I experience life.
I see that "healing" or "changing my perception and how I react" as a PROCESS, but it doesn't have to be.

I may need a "bridge thought" to train myself that I can just claim/be at peace... eventually I can train myself to just BE PRESENT IN/AT PEACE.

I observe:
That I think too much.
I try to think and understand things so that I can control them.
I want to control them because I fear the unknown.
I fear.

Nancy is so kind. I'm so grateful for her Life Coaching!


The first conversation resulted in my first "Data Dump"... I should do that daily she suggests... she doesn't suggest keeping it, but it can help to see how my thoughts run and it helps her to create models that she lives by. She keeps the models for a while (but it sounds like she updates her models too as she progresses).

I fear disease. Dr. Hawkins rightfully says it's because I'm obsessed with it and creating it in my life for whatever reason. I want to let disease go. I am currently trying to let go of my fear of ... no... I don't want to name it because I don't want to give it greater power. I've named everything for years, but I want it all to be nameless... but I want to document... but [breathe]

FEAR NOT.

I have sensations on my chest now... similar to how I had sensations on my head for a long time... I thought that it was "entities" before, but I was told that it was parts of myself that I had to allow to be integrated. I've also thought maybe it's healing energy - angels. It's better to think that. Either way, I cannot control it. I cannot be sure that I understand it. I just need to surrender the fear and let go of my thoughts surrounding it. It is what it is.

I need to learn to love my breast, chest, heart. My body is whole. It is healthy. It is nourished by the etheric energy of LOVE and God that we swim in. I have all that I need. I just need to see and be Love. Accept it. Be IN IT. WITH IT. Thanks be to God.

I'm just jabberjawing now.

Don't even pay attention. Ground instead. Be present instead. Breathe and focus on Dr. Morter's exercises instead. Whatever it takes to be at peace and live a surrendered existence... allowing all that is. (Not that I have any say in the matter anyway. Actually, yes, I do. Life is what I make of it. Learn to see clearly.)

Will/do You talk to me still?
YES
Thank you. Thanks be to You.
HAHA

Pretty neat about that Neale Daniel Walsh (or whatever his name is) book! Thanks Blanca and sharing it with me. Should I buy it?
You can if you want, but you have it for free at the library. Just read it.
Right.
Lol

I am with you. You are with me. We are. I am. Entangled. One. Yes.

Thank you.
You're welcome. lol. That's you.

Well, time for CE and then websites!

LOVE,
Cristy

Brain dump

I'm just going to dump my brain here and see if it helps. My new friend Nancy suggested it last week and so I'm going to try.... I have a lot clogged up in there... tumultuous day yesterday... but here goes...

And it's blank.
Haha!
I'm just messing with myself I guess.

Okay... my head is full... especially my forehead. I guess that's energy, stuck energy. I'm nervous about Victoria coming. I want to BE LOVE NOW but my flesh is still all wrapped up and upset but I'm a channel for light. TIKKUN OLAM I dreamt about it being Tikkun Olam day.

Breathe.

Much to do. Don't hold everything tightly.... let everything flow. This was an opportunity for suffering to overcome self. See my ego. I saw how pain body rose up to try to get in on the action. Ego is involved. What I see in Victoria (that irks me) is the stuff about me that needs to be weeded.

Breathe.

I always push away Michael. I'm so fortunate and blessed. I'm scared that I have breast cancer. God said He's helping me quit sugar... He said I could eat it today but I HAVE to stop. It's killing me. If I want to heal my vessel and be a force of Love and Light I have to be clear and pure and sugar makes me off kilter. I guess that's probably why I didn't respond to Victoria and her dog with love - but in fear. Prissy isn't my dog to protect. Dee's cats aren't my cats to protect. But I want to...but Lexi wasn't going to kill them, she just wanted to chase and torture them. She rolled (attacked) Prissy twice. Victoria doesn't take responsibility and won't apologize. I must do this to poor Michael.

Corie. It's all too much. Let it all through. Let it pass through. She has her own stuff going on. Don't take it personally. She has a strong pain body that has to create (or feeds on) drama. She has a strong energy field. Don't be jealous. I guess I am attracted to it but it hurts me. I tried very hard NOT to allow myself to be a victim. Looking at stuff kind of makes me victimize the situation (aka Lana is making me run in circles like a horse ...when you punish a horse).

Pause - plan - I need to get timothy hay cubes. The man is coming to discuss sedge. Victoria might come. She might try to hurt me. I have to let her. I have to be love. Jesus watched with love as others destroyed his body. His soul was strong. He overcame fear and death. He lived in love. I want to too. I must. This was a minor opportunity to learn to allow emotions to pass through and not allow them to be stuck. I succeeded a little, but I failed a little too. It's not "good" or "bad", it's "mature" and "immature" and I have more maturing to do.

Okay. Maybe I'll always brain dump here. It's helpful. I should probably not have it for everyone to see. There's probably a privacy setting.

Going now. XO

My reality

This is where I'm at and I'm super pleased with it and feel like it's TRUE.

The first words I saw were:

1. Gratitude
2. Selfcare
3. Purpose
4. Family
5. Alignment

(Yes, I know it says to look for the first 3. I did but then I couldn't stop so I found two more!)

I think these words are truly what my soul is working on right now. As I was walking the pookets today I reflected back on this post (just something silly I saw on Bobbie's facebook page)... but it really seems true.

I want to work on looking at life - experiencing life - through a lens of gratitude. I think I'm learning selfcare and how to prioritize myself. (Sometimes not so well, sometimes too well), and I know I am still waiting on and hoping to uncover "my purpose". I mean, I think it is to BE a channel for the divine - for God/YHVH/Source/Abba/The Universe to experience it/Himself through my vessel. I am an extension of the Father and this is actually enough purpose. I still wonder if there is another purpose... or maybe I just need to learn to accept and rest in what IS (yes. That.).

Anyway, I also am learning about family and the dynamics and personalities and needs and experiences that are born from these precious relationships. (As well as how to let go of resentments and bitterness that I stored up through my errant and filtered viewpoint that was largely based on unexpressed expectations (and in the case of my younger self, just understanding where my lens came from and observing and letting go of emotional blocks and traumas.)

Lastly, I AM learning about alignment - I think it starts with learning to embody my soul and create a solid core for energy to move through (so I can be a clear and healthy channel for the Divine). I need alignment with God and with Earth. I need to be rooted in both the celestial or holy realms as well as grounded to the earth where my body resides. I need to be aligned with my body and I want my mind to be aligned with my soul as well as I continue to explore my purpose with gratitude.

My created purpose

Serve God by/through serving others. My created purpose is to serve God, I do that by serving others.  (Especially serving Michael, my beloved husband.) I AM a channel by which the world is saved (okay, maybe that's Jesus... but maybe it's me too.) I am definitely a channel. A beam. Connected to the Source, the Father and [should be] connected to/grounded in the earth. I AM LOVING AWARENESS.

My ground is not good. My roots are not deep. My connection to the divine is shallow. My center is tilted. I often have wobbles.

ALLOW the core of Light to shine through my being. Embody my vessel. Allow the Light to power my soul... my essence. 

Have faith. 

Accept what is. Trust that it's what is supposed to be. Stop trying to manipulate. 

BE HERE NOW

BE LOVE NOW

I AM

God is in all things and through all things. 

(One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. - Ephesians 4:6)

See?

Sacred Sadness (copied from another author/blog)

Loved this perfect and timely post sent to me by Le'Anna. Had to keep here in my heart archives.

I sure have been absent though - I've had much to share, but haven't. I journaled a little instead... I'll catch you/me up at the right time. For now, enjoy:

The Deep Mystery of Sacred Sadness

 June 9, 2019 

Love is the root of all joy and sorrow.

Slavish fear of God is to be put away.

The right fear is the fear of losing God.

– Meister Eckhart

Often the mystics will speak of a great sorrow in contemplation. It is very common, especially in our modern times to have an intense aversion to any talk of spiritual sadness as a virtue. We have a prevailing feeling, especially in the west, that spirituality must always be uplifting and positive. This tendency arises out of a confusion about what love truly is. We know that God is love, and that we are called to live lives of love, but we often think of the fake love of Hollywood movies and catchy pop songs. Love is not a positive happy feeling. It is not always uplifting and encouraging. Love is selflessness, it is the rapture of being lost in the well being of others. So, it follows naturally that if we have love for creation, as God does, that we will feel a great sadness for the condition of the world and those within it.

There is a great heaviness in truth. In the reality of life there is hurt and pain for all of God’s creatures, and in many of God’s children this pain and injury is all consuming and relentless. For this reason God weeps for humanity. Through Jesus, God has chosen to be enmeshed with our suffering and our death, both spiritual and physical. And so, as we become gradually aware of the truth we become more and more aware of the great sadness of reality. In the words of King Solomon, the great mystical teacher:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”

says the Teacher.

“Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless.”

What has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow;

the more knowledge, the more grief

Deep within the spiritual world is a center of absolute nothingness. This is a profound realisation for the spiritual practitioner to make. Underneath all our ideas of what is right or good the truth is much more bleak. The knowledge of this is a necessary step if one wishes to dwell with God. For in order to understand fully what is God and what is not, we need to see that without God we are meaningless. There is nothing innovative or excellent we can do, and the more we learn and try the more this grief grows in relation to our efforts. The more we acquire, the more we realise our own poverty. The more we come to know God the more we see the meaninglessness of all creation.

So, if you find yourself feeling a heaviness in your heart, don’t assume that means you are off track. If you find yourself mourning for the state of the world, then you are mourning with Christ. Do not fight the sadness, do not run from it. Be at peace with it. Be comfortable in it. And know that it is fleeting just like our meaningless lives. Learn to rest in the beauty of the Divine Sorrow. For not only are we empty in our being but God is just as much grief as love. If we are not tangibly soaked in the tears of Christ then we are not living in the truth. This is the sacred sorrow.

When it comes to sadness, as with all things, the presence of the sacred can be known by the presence of peace. Divine sadness is a peaceful sadness, a heavy sadness. If the sadness you are experiencing is accompanied by anxiety or anger then it is not the sadness of the Lord. There is something so pure about the sadness of Christ because it does not worry. After all, anxiety too is meaningless. Therefore the sorrow of God is peaceful and even beautiful. It is the reason the autumn colours which herald the season of death and bitter cold, captivate our hearts and eyes so well. It is a magnificent sadness worth relishing in!

Yet, underneath this delectable sorrow is a river of love which is neither sadness nor joy. It is eternity, beyond any human description. We call it love because that’s the closest human word we have – but it is more than love, more than the joy and sorrow which go along with love. It is the root of all joy and sorrow. Once we find peace with our sorrow and with our joy then we can move into the realm of the Eternal – and our spiritual journey will have found the sacred well from which our soul longs to drink.

From: https://newedenministry.com/2019/06/09/the-deep-mystery-of-sacred-sadness/

How can we start caring for the earth and world better?

We're leaving the world in MUCH WORSE shape for our kids and grandkids than it was when we came into it. We must REPENT of the harm we've done. We must do no more harm and work diligently to restore the damage.

Nature is becoming deranged. The leaves on the tree over my hammock told me so yesterday. They should be straight and orderly, but they are mangled and deformed.

Right now I must observe it - be a witness - and when the time comes to speak (as I am now), I must speak. God will give me the words. Fear not. Worry not. Just BE.

...and choose again (and again and again). Repent of my self-loathing and fear and guilt and shame which holds me back. Be here now, in this present moment which is filled with Love and Joy ripe for the plucking. Be here now, Carissa. Be at peace, Carissa. YOU ARE LOVED. Thank you. Don't fear the energy, the power that is being restored to you, it is not for you, you are not responsible for it. You prayed and you are being prepared to be a vessel meet for the use of the Father. Be strong and courageous. Fear not. Allow whatever is. Ever. What EVER. Fear not, Carissa. We are with you. I am with you. We are one. At One Ment. Be.

Thank you Abba!

A thought and a dream

Today I think:

Religious dogma drives ego, arrogance, and pride.

Spiritual vulnerability leads to surrender to that which is beyond understanding.

Last night I dreamed:

Someone was in front of me and threw a small scroll into my mouth which I swallowed (with no effort on my part). Inspired by Ezekiel? Probably. The content of what I will write given to me by God? Possibly. 

To write or not to write, that is the question....?

Wellllll, I feel like I've experienced some nudges from my psyche (possibly Mind/Source/God) suggesting that I write. This has been going on for a few months now.

Last night I had a dream where I had to choose my "art" to share something and I was torn between visual art and writing but felt that I was being told to write. <--The dream is fuzzy now and I ALMOST lost it but Facebook sent me a nudge in someone else's post about a dream - I didn't read the post but saw the word "dream" and knew it was something knocking on my head to REMEMBER. During my CE (coffee enema) I was listening to a bit of "The Way of Mastery/Way of Transformation" and I heard something that reminded me about it and I made a note to remember...

So here I am, writing!! YAY!!

(Just kidding, just kidding!) Really all I'm doing is preparing my heart so that ONE DAY, if I'm given a topic and inspiration, perhaps I'll be more prepared in mind and spirit.

Okay, lots to do today... off to work-land! MUAH!

Looking for God on the Inside

I've been looking for God in me. I have misunderstood "ye are gods" ... I thought I was God. That we are all One and part of THE GOD. While that does seem to be true, I think it's futile to look for (and accidentally worship) God-in-me.... which is still so muddled with flesh and ego.

Do I look UP for/to Him? Do I look IN? Do I look AROUND? Probably all of the above, but mostly if I wait, with faithful patience - with hope in my heart - I will be directed through the Source (which comes from deeper than any earthly plain).

Am I "God"? "god"? A part of Him/It/All, yes. Truth is within. Do not hang on to any idea though - they are all defiled and shape shifters. I am scared and confused. I AM with you.

Who is I AM?
You are.
WE ARE.

Thank you.

All the Voices

I seem to have an "announcer"... no, that's not what I call her, she's the "Narrator". She is the "main me" who is telling "conscious awareness" what is going on. (Or what she thinks is going on... or what she wants to manipulate "Truth/conscious awareness/portal to God" to think in regards to what is going on.

Have we talked about how I thought, based on Eckhart Tolle's teaching that I had pin pointed THREE "mes"... 1. Ego 2. Painbody 3. Deep-I.  Well, I started reading this amazing book (which I have to finish today before the library takes it away...no I don't. I have a paper copy...but I want to finish it if I can...and I seem to be dumping aluminum or something so I should rest...and it's a "New Moon" so Michael says we take today off...all good reasons to finish.)

...aaaaaanyway... The book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer is sooooooooo good. It encourages us to observe our voices and see that our awareness is NOT the voices (the ones telling us what is going on. "I like this" "Remember this?" "You are going to die" "Cling to this"... etc.).  Last week, I had a bonafide mental breakdown akin to the one that got me hospitalized two times in 2015. I was DRIVING (which makes it even more scary to me) and there were SOOOOO many voices! Tim asked how many and I guessed 30, but I don't know. A lot. Anyway, they were all talking and I couldn't get them to stop and I was overwhelmed and reality superimposed on non-reality (or visa versa). I didn't know what to do but it was so freakin' scary!!!!!! I guess at some point there was a break enough to think that "I need to go to the hospital" and "No, that won't help" and "I should stop driving" and "I want to see Sayre" (I was seeing her and meeting her son of 2.5 years for the first time with Le'Anna!)

Okay. I have to eat now. Cooked vegetables. And then do a coffee enema. I've been cheating on the "genital bath" - you're supposed to sit in a tray of ice water. I just point the cold shower head at my who-who/vag area - I think it's helping. I definitely think I have "head congestion".

We got baby Cornish X a couple days ago. 7 of them. So cute and fluffy. Something else to worry about. <-- that was one of my voices. They are always trying to scare me and keep me in sympathetic dominance. I need to learn to BE HERE NOW. Period. Stop striving. Eat my vegetables on the couch with the sweetest most beautiful man alive (Meekel). Incidentally, I think I am healing... retracing... addressing trauma, especially in my dreams. Last night I woke myself up giving what I thought was "wise advice"... I think I'm teaching myself. The night before, I ... and I'm trying not to cling to this... but I had a dream where I had a heart-to-heart with Tyrone. It was beautiful and full. He told me he hated me...and he loved me... and he started to go down this list he had written of all the things he wanted to tell me but I saw he skipped "psychopath" or something... I think I was thinking "narcissistic" or something... so I interrupted him to tell him he's right - that I was narcissistic and empathetic and they are... I'm not sure if I told him this or just thought of it... different sides of the same coin. (I was thinking of a brief article I read.) . <-- I should say that I just googled this and read another article and no longer think I'm this... but I have a lot of problems, not the least is that I have no idea what is up and what is down - I'm faking it all. Trying to manipulate my way through the self-imposed "reality" (form structure and story that I've built up around myself to give my life meaning).

I'm grateful for the opportunity to awaken from this dream of self and become the witness (pure and true) that I'm meant to be. I am the witness.

Voices In My Head

Okay, so I'm actually getting to know "the voices" - I'm starting to figure out who's who.

We jokingly call me "everybody" and Michael "nobody" ... "Everybody's hungry but Nobody wants cabbage." It seemed mean at first - but it's become pretty funny and we refer to ourselves that way regularly... the dogs are "All the people"... Sioux and the #cheekins had their name too but I forgot them right now.

Anyway, "Everybody" really is made up of many parts. One of the first deeply inspirational books I read - I may have blogged about it - was Watchman Nee's "The Spiritual Man". He explains in great detail the difference between the flesh, soul, and spirit and breaks it down in Greek and Hebrew. I should read that again. It was really good. It uses "The Bible" as the foundation for reality, however, and I don't know that I could go back to looking at life through that lens. I find much inspiration in the bible and I like it a lot - but I can not go back to thinking it is "the inerrant word of God"...and hanging my hat on anything it says. I've learned too much. Still. It might be interesting. I'll take it under consideration.

See that there... that was two "parts" of myself communicating.
One was talking about not trusting the Bible and agreed to take it under consideration.
The other was encouraging that one to look into it ("it might be interesting").

Wait. So. We have our body (meat sack - ha) and then there's the energy that operates our body... is that our "soul"? Dr. Wilson says there are many (hundreds?) of souls that make up a person. Maybe so. Are those souls or spirit guides or both? So much to learn here still.

But Eckhart Tolle has helped me nail down at least three parts of myself... and I've been observing the war/discussions between these three for a long time so it's neat to finally put a name to a "face". (Today I followed a conversation between them - we were in the shower (we = everybody = me). It was cool to see who was talking (and singing) about what.) So here's who is in the lineup (as far as I know... there may be more?)

• EGO - Carissa - who is constantly trying to shuffle experiences into stories to define herself in order to please (or manipulate/control) others. 
• Pain-Body - I don't have a name for her yet - she is a bit deranged, (okay, more than a bit). She creates turmoil for herself and others in order to feed on the drama, she drives fear and falsehood in order to create chaos. I think she's really trying to kill me. She is either the driver or the vampire feeding off of hormonal and bodily imbalances and had great success making me into a "mentally ill" person. She doesn't like to be seen so when I observe her, she usually casually stalks off. 
• Deep I/Real Self - Dubai - (Got her name because when I was discussing her with Tim, he thought I was saying "Dubai"... he didn't understand it but wanted to honor me and used that word later in discussion... at which point I said "Dubai? What's that?" ...and he said "Didn't you say "Dubai""? And I said, "No, I said "Deep I""... at which point we both laughed. It was great. So Deep I is now Dubai (for now). Aaaaaaanyway, this is "The Real Self" who Dr. Wilson wrote about (which is based on the channeled books "Course In Miracles" and "Way of Mastery"). This is the part of me that is connected to the Source ... Consciousness ... Being ... God. 

I think when I was being locked up in Holly Hill and I described hearing voices/talking to God and the Devil... they were arguing... it was Dubai (God) and Pain-body (Devil) fighting for control.

Why is "Ego" called "Carissa"? I think Carissa (false self) is who I am most of the time... I think the person most people know as "Carissa" IS Ms. Ego... it's who "I" (false self) have compiled to represent my flesh/body/meat sack.

It all sounds so common sense, but it seems hard to touch this reality. I think the awakening of the world (collective conscious) is making it easier ... and now I'm a part of this. This is Tikkun Olam - bringing light to the world by surrendering to Light in and through me.

My "MIND" wants to grasp this - to cling to it ... EGO wants to get a juicy bite of it and OWN IT. But it doesn't belong to me. I must allow it to flow through me and cleanse me of this false self (sorry, Ego/Carissa). One day perhaps I will reflect my true self - Dubai - Deep I - I AM and be able to reflect WE ARE to all who are and will be.

In the meantime, remain vigilent and rooted in the present, observing what is. Source (and it's extension in Dubai/Deep I) will do the rest. 

Isaiah 60

60 Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee.2 For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee.3 And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.4 Lift up thine eyes round about, and see: all they gather themselves together, they come to thee: thy sons shall come from far, and thy daughters shall be nursed at thy side.5 Then thou shalt see, and flow together, and thine heart shall fear, and be enlarged; because the abundance of the sea shall be converted unto thee, the forces of the Gentiles shall come unto thee.6 The multitude of camels shall cover thee, the dromedaries of Midian and Ephah; all they from Sheba shall come: they shall bring gold and incense; and they shall shew forth the praises of the Lord.7 All the flocks of Kedar shall be gathered together unto thee, the rams of Nebaioth shall minister unto thee: they shall come up with acceptance on mine altar, and I will glorify the house of my glory.8 Who are these that fly as a cloud, and as the doves to their windows?9 Surely the isles shall wait for me, and the ships of Tarshish first, to bring thy sons from far, their silver and their gold with them, unto the name of the Lord thy God, and to the Holy One of Israel, because he hath glorified thee.10 And the sons of strangers shall build up thy walls, and their kings shall minister unto thee: for in my wrath I smote thee, but in my favour have I had mercy on thee.11 Therefore thy gates shall be open continually; they shall not be shut day nor night; that men may bring unto thee the forces of the Gentiles, and that their kings may be brought.12 For the nation and kingdom that will not serve thee shall perish; yea, those nations shall be utterly wasted.13 The glory of Lebanon shall come unto thee, the fir tree, the pine tree, and the box together, to beautify the place of my sanctuary; and I will make the place of my feet glorious.14 The sons also of them that afflicted thee shall come bending unto thee; and all they that despised thee shall bow themselves down at the soles of thy feet; and they shall call thee; The city of the Lord, The Zion of the Holy One of Israel.15 Whereas thou has been forsaken and hated, so that no man went through thee, I will make thee an eternal excellency, a joy of many generations.16 Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings: and thou shalt know that I the Lord am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty One of Jacob.17 For brass I will bring gold, and for iron I will bring silver, and for wood brass, and for stones iron: I will also make thy officers peace, and thine exactors righteousness.18 Violence shall no more be heard in thy land, wasting nor destruction within thy borders; but thou shalt call thy walls Salvation, and thy gates Praise.19 The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the Lord shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory.20 Thy sun shall no more go down; neither shall thy moon withdraw itself: for the Lord shall be thine everlasting light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended.21 Thy people also shall be all righteous: they shall inherit the land for ever, the branch of my planting, the work of my hands, that I may be glorified.22 A little one shall become a thousand, and a small one a strong nation: I the Lordwill hasten it in his time.

_____

Message first given to me on January 26, 2010 ... I am given more and more light and understanding as I walk the path before me. Grateful, I am.

Light appears as darkness falls. The Source is our Light and shines from within. "YHVH shall be unto me an everlasting Light, and my Elohim my glory." Who is my Elohim? WE ARE? Consciousness (which is made up of the I AM of all of us = WE ARE)?

In January 2010 I experienced the beginning of my awakening, there was a breaking down, a pursuit prior to that....but it was January 2nd that I experienced a shift of soul, God poured into me and I poured out. Was it a changing of the guard? Was I given new souls?

It poured in through the top of my head - my crown chakra - and the old me poured out (I assume through my feet, or maybe through root chakra?)

We do not get other's "wealth" with a grubby greedy heart - if it is given to us, it is as a responsibility to filter back in LOVE with generosity and intentionality.

Be at peace.

Observe. 

Surrender.

Thanks be to God.

"And the gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising" - those who are lost, who recognize the light, come to you - they are drawn as moths to a light. "they come to thee"... but THEE (I AM) is not "me" (Carissa) - I AM who I AM - One with Source. Being. When ego gets out of the way, the pure LIGHT of healing and truth may shine.

The earth is getting darker... Atlas Shrugged is showing me how we are damning ourselves. 

NO. We cannot be bitter and cast stones. Accept suffering as a tool that Yah has provided to draw us back. 

Society is damning themselves in the name of justice and freedom (when what they are asking for is actually the opposite - they/we we want handouts - more "goodies" for less effort. We are lazy, greedy, gluttonous and entitled.) 

"For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: But YHVH shall rise upon thee , and his glory shall be seen upon thee" - Let it be so. 

"But in my wrath I smote thee, but in my favour have I had mercy upon thee." Thank you. I deserve to be smitten - but you've given me a chance - may I surrender. LET GO OF THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD - stop CLINGING Carissa. 

1 John 2:15-17
15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

Brain Injury

I'm trying to switch back over to the intended "Happiness Is..." and then blog about something that happiness could be....  but happiness cannot be a brain injury.

I want to write about it.. probably not now... but remind me to blather about it a bit one day. My head and back injury on September 23, 2014 (from a riding accident) changed the course of my life. PERHAPS it was designed to put me BACK on course, taking away some of my faculties... for a while maybe?

The result of that injury besides my brain not working as well as it should led to me stupidly giving up the best job I ever had, having a nervous breakdown, and my husband leaving me.

I was unbearable, but the meds they tried to give me poisoned me.

There was so much trauma.
Did this cause my body to start holding on to heavy metals or was it happening before?
I worked in a dentist office for about a year in 2001 - with mercury floating through the air.
My brain seemed to work well at The Hartford.
I had my first panic attack in 2007 though...and made another stupid decision to leave The Hartford at the end of that year.
I was struggling with mental health then.
Did I have schitzoaffective disorder then? I had so many diagnosis... bi-polar was the big one that has followed me for over 20 years. Anxiety has ruled me since 2007. OCD - I realize my thinking is part of that - I think SOOOOO much. Too much. I was handed some sort of "general depression disorder" or something (along with psychosis) when I went to the mental hospital...but that was all after my head injury.

I couldn't continue to take care of Tyrone. I NEEDED to be taken care of. I needed compassion, patience, understanding... but instead he was trying to kill me by setting off my panic attacks and pushing me until I died. I was in sympathetic dominance.

I don't have anything but an unbalanced biology. Nutritional Balancing can and is healing me. I need to care for my body, my temple, my vessel and follow it to a "T"... but I don't. I still fall into the addiction cycle - I'm so addicted to sugar (and things that turn into it like wheat and grains).

God is giving me the opportunity to return. He's given me the key. Why do I choose harm instead of health?

He's trying to wake me up. I choose wrong. Is it my flesh? My ego? My pain body? It's trying to kill me.

I AM.
WE ARE.
Don't you see. We're all one - all parts of The SOURCE of BEING, the WAY, TRUTH, LIGHT.

I hit my head a LOT when I snowboarded in high school and college (I broke my back snowboarding in 1996 and that was the end of it, but for 5 years, I mashed my head on ice OFTEN.) Did I give myself head injuries then?

Did I smoke some bad pot that killed me? (That one time in high school in my bedroom when I went down to hell (I called it), but really I went through a portal in the bench through the floor (in my mind).

I'm grateful to be alive.

Start working on extending the life of the vessel. Make the most of this trip.

Thanks be to God (I AM) for bringing me along. Please don't give up on me. [Don't give up on your self!] <-- who said that? I MUST give up on my "self", but not my "Deep I". Be a channel, a vessel for Light and Love. You cannot be when you defile yourself with toxic poison garbage.

Trust and obey.
Rest like a bird in her nest.
Be at peace.
Shalom.

...putting to death the flesh

I mean... I actually want to keep my flesh ALIVE. I have a slightly awakened understanding about my avatar... my temple... my flesh ... my meat sack (as Tim quoted once - ha)!

Today in the shower I was pondering the responsibility I have to care for my machinery... it's like a car. We get oil changes for the car and take care of it so it will last (or one should). We need to do the same thing for our bodies.

Our body is a temple for the holy spirit - is this God's spirit or mine, or where they meet and have intercourse? And perhaps what is borne of the union is the Light of the world?

I AM.

I loved this man (Tyler Small)'s post today in the Eckhart Tolle School of Awakening. I thought it was a good summary:

"If you're still on the spiritual search, please read this as I think it will help some of you.
About seven years ago, I experienced a brief awakening, which lasted about three months. During this time, I didn't think much; however, I did have thoughts that perhaps I had become enlightened. After the three months, I slowly fell back into thought. Looking back, it appeared that my consciousness was simply not ready to recognize itself - and that is what awakening is, simply consciousness recognizing itself.
What I was left with after my initial awakening was an ability to easily access the sense of I AM, or "Deep I" as Eckhart calls it. I always knew that there was something special about this sense, yet I always took it for granted. It was only until recently, as I began listening to more spiritual masters, that I realized... this sense of I AM IS God. It is Being, the Self, Presence, Stillness, Emptiness, Completeness, Awareness and all the other words spiritual teachers use. This sense of I AM is what we all are looking for. And the beautiful thing is, most of us can access it already - even in this very group.
The sense I AM is not a hard sense to become aware of. It is simply that part of you which is aware of itself, or it could be said that it is the part of you that is "looking out." Some spiritual masters point towards I AM by asking their students "Who are you?" This answer cannot be found on the level of the mind. It requires you to sit for a moment and really get in touch of that part of yourself that recognizes its own awareness. As one spiritual teacher pointed out, you can be aware of a flower, and you can be aware of your shoes, but what does it feel like to be aware of awareness itself?
The sense of I AM is not somewhere in the mind, nor is it somewhere deep inside you. It is in fact you - it is simply the feeling of Being, here and now. That is the secret. And when you find this, you stay with it. That is all that's required. You don't have to sit in meditation to feel Being - you can feel it while you walk, and you can feel it while you type. At first, your mind will put up a lot of resistance around the sense of I AM, and it will trick you by playing games. You may even experience headaches or other bodily pains. The good news is, it's not hard to beat the ego because you don't have to do anything special - you just have to continue practicing staying with the sense of I AM.
If you're still having trouble accessing the sense of I AM, or Being, you can try this exercise. Lay down, close your eyes, and simply state "I" on the in breath, and "am" on the out breath. Keep repeating these words, until the sense of your own Self becomes apparent to you. Alternatively, you can close your eyes and ask yourself "who am I?" or "Who is the one who is looking out?" Don't over complicate this feeling. It is not some magical feeling, it is simply the feeling of your own existence.
So when the ego comes at you and starts making you feel bad, or doubtful, or any other word you can conceive of, all you have to do is simply continue remaining with the sense of I AM, continue asking "who am I" and noticing that, continue becoming aware of the awareness itself - which is the real you. It is all the same. And gradually, your ego will stop being resistant, and you will develop a peace of mind. Things will stop bothering you so much because you need an ego for things to bother you. Then, you will start to feel joy and peace and all the other benefits the spiritual masters talk about. But don't get hung up waiting for this to happen. If you have been unconscious for most of your life, there will be a certain part of you that remains unconscious even after you "wake up" or realize the Self. But gradually, as Eckhart put it in the power of now, the emotional wheel will stop spinning and peace will follow.
Despite having an intuition that this was the way, not long ago I would not have posted this. I simply didn't have enough "spiritual evidence" to be convinced that it was this simple. But I am confident enough now to say that this is the way - and this is what all spiritual teachers are pointing towards.
I wish you all peace and love, and I hope that this post helps you realize the simplicity of who you are, here and now in this moment. "<3"

"

I also re-loved this song on the radio coming back from Wendy's birthday dinner at The Laughing Owl yesterday.

...following your heart

Happiness is following your heart, even if it takes you to "death".

Fear of death is a topic that I've been trying to observe and address in myself for years. I have read a few books on it such as "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi - both were very good.

I've watched some documentaries - can't remember names now - but these past few years I've found some courage within to look at death (a little).

A few months ago I saw an invitation for a "Death Midwife" (or some such name about midwives and death ... helping people through their transition. It was a weekend series/class offered at Earthaven (which I've never been to yet, but am interested in living there) and I reallllly wanted to go, but Michael said "NO". (Of course - ha! It costs money and he is also trying to protect me from all the things I want to do. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I'm not sure in this case yet... I suspect it just isn't my time.)

Anyway last week(ish) I saw another mention of this "death midwife" thing... maybe another class offered somewhere... I think I saw it in an email, I can't remember. Anyway, I think there's something to it.

I wanted to be a chaplain for a while ... but then I realized that I don't have one "religion" or an understanding even that I can hang my hat on, and it would require school and doctrine, so I gave that idea up. HOWEVER, all those "titles" which will only feed my ego are unimportant. I can be the presence of LOVE and acceptance just as I am where I am. My ego is always trying to stretch for something ... and it stretches me from the truth which is BEING.

I'm finally beginning to understand. Just BE HERE NOW. BE LOVE NOW. That's all.

A couple months ago I felt like I should maybe explore volunteering at hospice. I can't remember if it came to me in prayer, meditation, thought, or dream - but it was something I felt interested in looking into. When I asked Michael about it he put the kabash on it! DARN!

Today when I was driving to town to get something, I was feeling very present. I stopped at the BoJangles of death (gross food <--fake "food", toxic poison), but I was sooooooo hungry and wanted an egg and cheese biscuit. I decided to eat there instead of eating on the run like usual, so I sat down and observed all the people around me (and it was crowded)! There were tables of old people eating together. I felt very present and very peaceful and was grateful to be there in that moment.

After getting our groceries at Walmart I had to drive to the mailbox and realized I would drive by the Hospice House. I just connected with this stream within me and followed it right up to the door and in to Anita where I spoke with her about volunteering. I filled out an application and we'll see what comes of it.

I THINK this is where God wants me to learn next. My next class.

I saw something in the Eckhart Tolle SOA (School of Awakening) Facebook comments where someone suggested to someone else that they should volunteer while they were looking for a job... that stuck to me too.... and Tim and my Mom have said it in the last many years a couple times too...

I just think it's a thing... the thing... that I should be doing.... and maybe I can learn to be at peace - in the moment - with death. I want to observe and be a force or channel of Love, Light, and acceptance of what is. We are all going to die. It's part of life, perhaps the greatest part, an opening into a new life and world. I don't know, but I want to stop fearing it and instead, love it.

...denial of the Self

Deny thy self.

Today I remembered the sexual encounter with a pin of light that occurred in the summer of 2011.

May my thought fade away and consciousness shine through.

May I be a vessel ... a channel for the Source (possibly called Christ or Christ-consciousness or Buddha nature or Anointing or LOVE)...to witness and interact with this world of form.

Love, not fear. Perfect love casts out all fear.

I create.
I create "reality"... be careful of my thoughts, they are powerful (and gaining power). Possibly dark forces/ego wants me cling to this, so I have to be careful, but an example is the other day I was thinking that we could easily lock our keys in the car. This hasn't happened in many (10?) years but I thought it last week and it happened to Michael a few days later.

Be a channel of LIFE and LOVE and HEALING and HOPE. Think that which is good and lovely and pure.

I am so grateful for the resources God has given me this season:
Eckhart Tolle & Kim Eng: School of Awakening
The Way of Mastery - Shanti Christo Foundation
Dr. Larry Wilson
Energetic Synthesis
MICHAEL DIDIER and the OPPORTUNITY to LEARN TO SERVE, to deny my selfishness and laziness and to BE LOVE NOW to him. To bring joy into his precious life. Life is fleeting and I fear losing him (and Rue)... but you see... FEAR is poison and these thoughts are traps... possibly illusions, but possibly power, so I must TAKE CAPTIVE MY THOUGHTS and bring them into submission to Christ.

Peace be with you.
Give. Love. Serve.
I am - We are.
I am Christ. I am God. I AM. (A vessel, channel for the LIGHT of the world. Carissa is not these things, Carissa is flesh.)

Be at peace.
Be patient.
All things will unfold as they should.

Pray.... envision... the pure white Light (which is made up of all colors radiating through this perfectly white light) pouring down through my head, soaking my energy field and body with it's perfect radiance and goodness. Seeping into each cell as it engulfs my body from head to toe... purifying, anointing, cleansing, re-starting refreshing rejuvenating my soul. I envision this for Tyrone and for Michael and for Rue and for Moses and Sioux and the Cheekins too!

Perfect love casts out all fear.
Everything unfolds as it will.
God's will be done. May my will align with His.

Next, surrender gluttony... attachment to food as a source of escape. NO! It is not be effort, but by surrender into the Now and seeing the beauty of Life as it IS. The ISNESS of life leads to perfect peace where substitutions by substances (especially toxic ones!) are not necessary.

Consume spiritual food that nourishes the body and soul and quiets the mind.

Peace be with you.

Okay, so desire ISN'T the enemy...

Okay, so ... I can't say that "God told me"... He keeps reminding me that is NOT acceptable speech (Jer 23:38)... but I was taught yesterday...or maybe it was the day before....the days are melting together.... that DESIRE isn't in itself bad. We naturally desire things...it's how we are built. I need, instead, to observe my desire and make conscious choices free from the bondage of guilt (which usually naturally comes up when I "desire" something that I have convinced myself is evil.)

Examples are "the cookie" from this season... and now "life" (because I've labeled "clinging to life" as "bad"... but it's not "bad", it's natural. So I need to observe and learn from it and then separate the chaff from the wheat.)

I probably wrote about this experience before - but waaaaaay back in spring 2011 I had the opportunity to live with some friends. I left all I owned and knew here in North Carolina (well, except Rue - I didn't leave her, and ultimately couldn't, and that caused my ultimate "downfall" from the house-church that I joined). Anyway, I left N.C. and went to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to join a house church that believed that it was possible to become sinless, to put to death the flesh and be perfect as "my Father in Heaven is perfect".

I have always battled with food/sugar addiction and I had gone to Walmart and picked up a Magnum ice cream bar.... I had so much guilt about it, I just knew I SHOULDN'T... I was about to go home and eat dinner with my friends, but I DID IT. I felt so slippery and dark... covered in LUST. I was sitting in my car devouring this bar when my friend Jen called. She asked what I was doing, and we were supposed to admit all our sins to one another - we were completely accountable to one another (which I think was really great)... and I admitted it... and you know what she said? I was sitting there suffocating in shame and barely croaked out what I felt was this dirty secret ... and she just said "What?! Why? Don't worry about that! It's just ice cream! If you want an ice cream, have one!"

I can't explain how much that tiny interaction moved me! I was FREE! (I've since put myself back under condemnation for such things - culture, family, self-image keep me in bondage.) <-- I talk to Tim about this a lot. He says "if you eat a cookie, is it the end of the world?" and I say "no, I guess you're right".... but recently I have realized that it's not the cookie, it's the TOXIC nature of it... the fact that it is POISON to my body. Is it the end of the world if I eat poison? I guess it depends on what kind of poison... but eventually, if I eat enough poison, it's the end. Ha!

This just leads me back to my original point. I need not make "desire" (itself) the enemy, but I need to instead, OBSERVE the desire, and respond intentionally with presence.


ps. I've been in a week-long healing reaction or panic attack or SOMETHING (which I don't want to label - it feels like death) and I haven't been well.... BUT God has been so close! Dr. Wilson's "The Real Self" and "The Pushing Down" exercise are so helpful. I finished the Bhagavad Gita (which was FANTASTIC - the walkthrough for westerners). I finally found The Way of Mastery audio for FREE! (It was $130 for the audio set and I just couldn't justify it... but I was lead to it on YouTube. This whole YouTube channel looks AMAZING!!! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOdt4ugDsU0R6Qis6lfW2Ew/featured))

I need to let go of FEAR. I'm in bondage. I can be in LOVE or in FEAR. I'm in fear. Surrender. Let Go and Let God. Whatever will be, will be. Live in the present. Be Here Now. Be LOVE Now. Amen.

2018 Reading List

January 2018

At Hell’s Gate: A Soldier’s Journey from War to Peace - Claude Anshin Thomas

The Nightingale - Kristen Thomas

Texas - James A. Michener (started)

Hands of Light: A Guide to Healing Through the Human Energy Field - Barbara Ann Brennan

February 2018

Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis - J.D. Vance

Shantaram - Gregory David Roberts 

March 2018

Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng

Traditional Usui Reiki Level I, II, Master Manual - Lisa Powers

Wildlife - Richard Ford

April 2018

Penelope’s Daughter - Laurel Corona

Yin & Yang Nutrition for Dogs - Dr. Judy Morgan

May 2018

When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi

Ancient Chinese Healing Secrets - Master Mingtong Gu

Of Mess and Moxie - Jen Hatmaker (Only read a couple chapters - encouraging Christian lady speaking… entertaining…but I have better uses for my time)

God is a Verb - Kabbalah & the Practice of Mystical Judaism - Rabbi David A. Cooper

A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle - *AMAZING! Best book ever!!

Before We Were Yours - Lisa Wingate

June 2018

Harvest of Gold - Tessa Afshar

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society - Mary Ann Saffer & Annie Barrows

1984 - George Orwell

Anastasia - Vladimir Megre

July 2018

Bread of Angels - Tessa Afshar

A Course In Miracles (started) - Course in Miracles Society / Helen Schucman

The Choice Is Clear - Dr. Allen E. Banik

Land of Silence - Tessa Afshar

The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

Ishmael - Daniel Quinn

August 2018

The Art of Mending - Elizabeth Berg

The Chakra Book - Osho (GREAT!)

In The Field of Grace - Tessa Afshar

Harvest of Rubies - Tessa Afshar

What a Girl Wants - Kate Perry

The Real Self - Dr. Lawrence Wilson

September 2018

Go Set A Watchman - Harper Lee

The Mare - Mary Gaitskill

Light on a Hill - Connilyn Cossette

October 2018

Jesus - Deepak Chopra

Heal Thy Self - Saki Santorelli

Firefly Lane - Kristin Hannah

All the Light We Cannot See - Anthony Doerr

November 2018

Even The Sun Will Die - Ekhart Tolle

Mohammed - Deepak Chopra

The Art of Presence - Ekhart Tolle (audio)

Thief of Corinth - Tessa Afshar

Divine - Karen Kingsbury

December 2018

Stillness Speaks - Ekhart Tolle (audio)

The Crucible - Arthur Miller

Buddha - Deepak Chopra - *loved!

Living the Liberated Life and Dealing with the Pain Body - Ekhart Tolle (audio)

Be Love Now - Ram Dass (audio)

Be Here Now - Ram Dass

The Hideaway - Lauren K. Denton

Enlightened Relationships - Ekhart Tolle (audio)

The Realization of Being - Ekhart Tolle (audio)

2017 Reading List

January 2017 

The Source - James Michener 

February 2017

Aleph - Paulo Coelho

July 2017

Nutrient Power: Heal Your Biochemistry, Heal Your Brain - Dr. William Walsh

Opening The Hand of Thought - Kosho Uchiyama 

Lady Susan - Jane Austin

Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austin

August 2017

The Light Between Oceans - M.L. Steadman

As I Lay Dying - William Faulkner

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain

Ruby - Cynthia Bond

The Chosen - Chaim Potok

September 2017

Bridge To Haven - Francine Rivers

The Atonement Child - Francine Rivers

Anatomy of An Epidemic - Robert Whitaker 

People of the Book - Geraldine Brooks

The Red Tent - Anita Diamante

Sarah - Marek Halter

The Last Sin Eater - Francine Rivers

Veronika Decides to Die - Paulo Coelho

October 2017

The Ocean at the End of the Lane - Neil Gaiman

The Coffee Trader - David Liss

A Lineage of Grace - Francine Rivers

The Celestine Prophesy - James Redfield

The Pilgrimage - Paulo Coelho

November 2017

Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

The Tao Te Ching - Lao Tzu 

Leota’s Garden - Francine Rivers

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho 

The Divine Within - Aldous Huxley 

Pearl In The Sand - Tessa Afshar

See Me - Nicholas Sparks

December 2017

The Mapmaker’s Daughter - Laurel Corona

Same Kind of Different As Me - Denver Moore and Ron Hall 

The Four Seasons: A Novel of Vivaldi’s Venice - Laurel Corona

The Twelve Tribes of Hattie - Ayana Mathis

Desire

I desire a cookie (a "kitchen sink" cookie from Panera, to be exact.)
I desire to live (and not pass away before I've completed my task.)
I desire this anxiety to go away (especially the panic attack that was overcoming me when I jotted down these notes.)

All of these are bad. All of these are examples of me pressing back against my present moment. I must be content and accept/ALLOW whatever IS. 

Observe. Allow. Accept. Be.
"DESIRE" separates me from God. It is born of my ego... and it feeds it ... ego WANTS... ego desires... 

EGO CLINGS.
Stop clinging to desire. 
Stop clinging to control.


"I WANT I WANT I WANT" - the refrain Michael sings to me when I am rattling off another desire.
My flesh, my ego, my self just WANTS *THINGS* to FILL it.

Empty my self.
Deny my self.


Also:
Anxiety is inflammation

_____

I enjoyed watching Oprah interview Thich Nhat Hanh - full of wisdom. I ordered his book today "Living Buddha, Living Christ". He said in this interview that "Christ is the Buddha of the West"... and I couldn't agree more. Seems to me that they are the same. 

I'm really enjoying learning about all religion. I'm listening to "The Bhagavad Gita: A Walkthrough For Westerners" now - I don't know much about Hindu religion... but everything I learn about all the different paths of faith makes me SEE the elephant as a whole. (You've heard the analogy about religion.... that it's like an elephant in a dark room - three men touch different parts of the elephant and define it by what they experience. "An elephant is long and tubular" - says the one who touches his trunk. "An elephant is skinny with a hairy tuft" says the one touching his tail. "An elephant is thin and flat" says the one touching the ear. They are all sure they KNOW what an elephant is ... it IS what THEY experienced... but they didn't experience the whole elephant.)  

Anyway, I'm just a baby awakening ... there's so much to learn and I'm afraid that I have already mucked this life up too much to get too many rungs up the ladder, but I must climb as high as I can. I heard in the Bhagavad Gita that no spiritual efforts are wasted. They will go with me. If I return again for another soul's journey in the flesh, I will have to re-learn much, but it won't all be lost. We'll see. Or not. I need to be okay with that and just BE HERE NOW. 

Rayah's Song

Rayah's Song 

A psalm of love and deliverance.
Written by our dear friend and author, Nancy Rich Foster in late 2017.

To you Yehovah, shall I sing my praise!
For you have looked into my very soul,
You have seen my hopeless despair,
My torment and misery, have you seen.

You have heard my voice raised in frustration,
As I raged against you, my Creator.
You have seen me sneer in anger at your truth,
As I ridiculed, harassed and laughed at your messenger.

Yet you, who created me, have withheld your anger,
And have instead, given me unconditional love.
You have lovingly withheld your judgment,
In the face of my stubborn defiance of your holy word.

You in all your wisdom, heard not the words of my mouth
But the yearning’s of my hunger for your truth,
Truth so hidden within myself that
I, even I, knew not that they were there.

Then, Oh Yehovah, in my darkest hour
As I trembled at your feet,
Tormented in mind and body,
You saw my misery, and my failings.

You looked into my very being,
You measured my worth, and found me wanting.
With all my faults and idiocies
And you loved me anyway.

You who loves me! Yes! Even me.
Opened my eyes to your warrior’s truth.
You, Oh Yehovah, have filled my emptiness.
My very soul with song, and laughter!

You have filled my heart with hope!
My life overflows with happiness.
You have given me peace, in the place of chaos.
You have blessed me with the love of Michael!

1 Year In

(written for WeAreIsrael.org in early 2017)

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now but haven’t… so, technically we are a bit more than “1-Year In”. #delinquent! Ha! Michael took me as his woman on January 27, 2016 after I had all but begged (okay… begged) him to allow me to be under his “covering”. Have we talked about how we met before?? Probably.  Let me just do a quick recap.

In August of 2015, I read one of Michael’s blogs for the first time. Hated it. But for some reason, I kept reading… and each article gave me nuggets that both challenged and enlightened me. Michael saw things that I saw peripherally, but couldn’t yet put my finger on.

Within a month I was a regular attender of his online sabbath class where he was going through the torah line by line. A month later we were friends and beginning to talk on the phone, which progressed to talking on Skype. I helped him with artwork for his blog and we had wonderful conversations about our mutual love, Yehovah and His word.

In late October I had an extreme sense of dread overcome me… something “clicked” and I had a moment of clarity when I understood that I needed to have a covering. I longed for peace…for shalom… and understood that the beginning of finding that meant that I had to surrender my pride and control issues and start seeing myself for what I was…. a woman created for a purpose….to do the will of Yehovah…of God… and that meant humbling myself and learning to be a helper for a man (whether it is my husband, father, brother, etc.).

That first day on the phone when I asked to be Michael’s “long-distance” Amah (non-sexual female servant), he laughed at me. Apparently that isn’t a “thing”. I was deflated but understood. As an uncovered woman, I was in a pickle and often called myself “a sitting duck”. I DID ask my Dad if I could be HIS servant and live with him and help he and my Mom however I could… and if he wanted, he could find me a husband and marry me off. (I was trying to live out what I saw in the Tanakh.) My loving Daddy said I could always come home and stay with them if I needed to “get back on my feet”, but that he didn’t subscribe to the particular belief system that I was operating under. So that was out.

Long story short, Michael’s and my friendship grew and we eventually started talking in earnest about me joining him as his woman.

Fast forward a year (+) and here I am….and here he is. We live together on the opposite side of the country from where he resided before. We live on a community ranch where we have animals (a horse, 2 dogs, and chickens so far) and gardens (one in our back yard and a great spot in the community garden). We are learning and practicing life according to our created purpose.

Michael is the leader in our home. He sets the tone (and what a lovely tone it is!)!

I am becoming more and more grateful that I don’t have to make every decision for myself. I’m learning to relax into the ability to say “honey, what should I do?”…and learning to TRUST and DO what he says! (In the past I have often asked others for their opinions but ultimately looked to myself as the authority. This emasculated my previous partners, showing them that I did not really value what they said…even if I SAID I did with words, I didn’t live it.)

I’M NUMBER TWO!!

A few years ago I started to sense I was created to be a “#2” (not the “#1” I was trying to be). My pride and entitlement issues made me want to exalt myself to be a #1…but that is not who I was created to be… I’m a #2.

Years ago I was involved with one of my church’s community groups for single young professionals. The leader was kind to me and gave me responsibilities to help him and soon I looked at myself as a “co-leader” in this group. Once in this role, I often found myself judging the actual leader… I was critical and often thought I knew better. As time passed, I began to have romantic feelings for this man and those feelings naturally humbled me and made me WANT to be his “#2”. I remember journaling about that strange feeling. I think we, as women, if we tap into our “woman-ness”, will find that we desire to be soft and pliable and dependent.

It was like what I saw a couple weeks ago when my very-dominant female dog who THINKS she’s “alpha” (and acts like a crazy fool anytime another dog doesn’t RECOGNIZE that she is the BOSS) walked alongside a TRULY “alpha” dog (who was much bigger than her too)….she NATURALLY humbled herself and even tucked behind him when she was looking for protection from something that scared her on our walk. It was really neat to see. #natureinaction

It’s no one’s fault…it’s the way our society has gone, but frankly I was raised/trained to think and act like a man, not a woman. I was taught that “I am in charge” and that I can be whatever I want instead of being taught to be a help-meet/ezer kenegdo. In a partnership where all parties know their roles, everyone thrives. I still struggle with feeling like I have to “achieve and accomplish” things for myself to exalt my name. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to humble myself and be one with my master and exalt HIM!

So that’s what I’m working on…still… in year 1+.