Boundaries

 Listening to this EXCELLENT talk on boundaries by ES Karen:

https://esfoundations.com/images/audio/karenmc/ES-Foundations-Boundaries.mp3

I'm not done yet but want to do a little processing because it's really leaving me full. First... back to this.. am I a narcissist only? Or empath too? I must be an empath with sensitivity and starseed in order to see this stuff... but I see it in ME. I see how I was an energy vampire... I unintentionally sucked the life out of people. I see how I use gifts to try to gain people's affection and approval. 

When I hear people like this that are so sensitive and put up all those boundaries.... I think there is something wrong with them... maybe not something "wrong", but something different or off. And I've been the person who pushes energetically... hopefully not to that horrible extent (except it was definitely that way with Tyrone when he left). I am so confused about Tyrone. I'm confused about myself.

You're fine... you're just on the journey of working it all out. You need to look at this stuff and take responsibility for it. Remember the thing with Kristen when she moved in... I mean, there's an example of someone who I think is off her rocker... if she feels like someone doesn't respect her boundaries (i.e. yelling to her when she was riding), then she comes out guns blazing - I will sue you! Not exactly like that, but sort of. When she doesn't get her way, which is not made clear by her (what her boundaries are) she just FEELS it, then she goes ape-shit. She holes her self up and makes up all these things in her head and these words... it's the shell. She's like a turtle. Is this when I was seeing turtles a lot? I don't know. 

The fact is you have to honor other people's requests.... and energies. Joanne isn't friendly... this is an example... and she doesn't want people to say anything to her (when she's sober)... but she also feels like no one likes her...but it's because she doesn't want to engage with others... so it's a double edged sword. Then people like me come in and I want to help her to feel loved so that can maybe melt the pain and anxiety that keeps her trapped, so I say "hi" to her when I can. This, if I think about it, is not respecting her boundaries. Granted she never TOLD me that, but I know it from her energy and from Robert saying things like that. So am I being a bully by imposing my "love" (which it isn't... it's force) on her? I think so. 

So it comes down to DO NOT ENGAGE unless invited.

I'm working with Victim/Victimizer right now too... so my attitude has some of this in it. Yesterday I shared a post that I feel like maybe I was the victimizer... it was not received well and I feel shame about being wrong or mean or inappropriate or all of the above. (The glitch post.) But I have to just feel the discomfort and allow it. This is healing. 

Same with being a boundary pusher... I have to see my behavior and watch it and don't do anything... come to neutral. Don't fall into a pattern of justification (which I tried to do above), or blame (same), and don't go to the other polarity (whoa-is-me) which I tend to do to try to regain balance. Learn to come back to neutral from right here. I don't need to swing from one polarity to the other to find equilibrium... just rest into the still point. Just watch. Breathe. Listen. All is well.

And it's true... don't engage unless invited and learn your own body.... these are the books we've provided...to heal your own trauma and learn your own body's signals when it is being corded/vampirized and when it needs to extend some boundaries. Becoming solid with my 12D shield, commanding personal space, and boundary test will be very helpful.

I have definitely felt/experienced the vampirism with Ammi. She is getting better now but that was a very strong experience last February. The example of feeling depleted and sucked dry while they are energized very much applied.

This week ... or last week...I also felt an energy suck of some sort... was it an entity, old cord, or psychic attack? Or was it me shifting from an inorganic energy source to learning how to connect to an organic one? 

Rosemary is calling... let me talk to her now. Love you!

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GREAT conversation with my kindred spirit onion sister, Rosemary. Lots of food for thought. We had both listened to the boundary talk and were able to talk about that and about my experiences with victim/victimizer and she encouraged me to value myself better. I shared my fear about conversation with DL tomorrow about trading for services and how I always feel like I'm "ripped off" with these people with exorbitant hourly rates (like hers is $350 I think)... she said I should say my hourly rate is $125... and in general I need to look at my hourly rate.... but I'd rather just do things as a gift and they can gift back what they think is appropriate...but then you end up in the situation like with Gabe and Eddie where it's so uncomfortable. I encouraged THEM to set boundaries ... set their rates to make it more comfortable for ME...but I am not doing the same. GAH.

Anyway, just all around a great conversation - she helped talk through the crawling into people's skin experience with me and we think it was from an egoic place where I was playing God....but that same gift, when used with CONSENT could be a seed of etheric surgery. 

Thank you God, for Rosemary! Please send lots of blessings her way... clearing, healing, wisdom, provision... all the good stuff!