Thank you so much, Angela... I definitely can see that being important too... giving a voice to the divine feminine and mother Presence. Lots of distortions in my throat chakra (and all chakras), so yes, I too intend that to be brought into balance and harmony and the embodiment of holy father, holy mother, and Christ-Sophia I AM. Thank you so much for caring about me! God bless you and your beautiful family on your journey as well! Glad to be here doing the work side-by-side.
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Impulse control FAIL today! Hopefully all part of the plan, but probably not. Or maybe it is. Let’s embrace it as such. Ha!
I’m really susceptible to marketing messages and it doesn’t help that that’s my work field. This week I was sharing information about the new (drool-worthy) chicken wings at the restaurant I work for and I was bit by my own demon. I am very particular about the kind of meat I eat and chicken wings aren’t on the list but this week I realllllllllly wanted them.
Along with this, sugar… cookies in particular…have haunted me. I had not eaten any sugar for a month and this week I started thinking about the cookie that I had in my freezer (after giving the second-to-last one to my nephew last week). I thought I had a big win because I took it out and put mustard all over it (which I don’t like) and threw it in the garbage to make sure it was dead to me. I was so proud of myself (there might be a downfall right there … upswing into yellow) but that night my husband requested a meal that ended up having 1/2 cup of sugar in the sauce. I should have left it out but I didn’t. It was downhill from there. Shame came in and the sugar bug bit me hard. Two days later I was eating cookies.
So back to the chicken wings which I'd been thinking about for days... today I toyed again with that lust and made a plan to give in to it. I also battled with my husband (who doesn’t approve of me eating meat he doesn’t slaughter) and in the end, I went out to get the chicken wings AND a cookie. A lot of thought went into all this (including sucking a friend in that I knew was prone to "sticky" things like this to activate her food-lust which I could use to compound mine to push me over the edge into "just do it!"!! I'm very tricky.) I read that “ Impulse Control ” article this morning so I knew on some levels what I was dealing with and the damage I was doing to myself by giving in. My daily glossary pick, the Spiritual Lessons article, was also there to remind me to choose the right side of the bifurcation…. But I didn’t.
So I’ve been talking to myself about this. First of all, there are a few moving parts to this:
1. I’m susceptible to mental implants which drive “lust of the flesh”.
2. Sugar sets me up for further addictive tendencies.
3. My husband’s disdain and manipulation attempts. He believes that my “sin” falls on him, that he (as the patriarch of the family) bears the weight of the family’s offenses in God’s eyes and for me it doubles the pressure of the "sin". Not only am I harming myself, I'm harming him.
4. I’m processing/working with my 19-year-old inner child’s experience right now which was ripe with food, drug, and alcohol addictions/actions and in a way I'm mirroring her and/or getting sucked into that energy
5. I’ve got heavy duty plasma light activations happening which is pushing darkness/pain body to the surface - this triggers both throttling attempts as well as numbing attempts.
So it is what it is.
I admit it. I do NOT intend to shame myself in order to change it. That’s my M.O. to try to manipulate myself to do what I think is right by shaming it out of me… either blow it up by eating or drinking so much (or acting like such a jerk) that I hate myself enough to change it, or by shaming myself by “telling on myself” to someone who I know will judge me. Right now this may look like that but I’m just stating this is not my intention. I felt led to share it here as an example, but instead of judgment and shame, I choose to LOVE myself. I choose to say: "I understand and hear you, beloved one. Today, yes, you had a hard time with those toxic foods, but you DID stand up for your freedom and step into your own power and make your own choice for yourself. Maybe next time we can see if there’s another way to “scratch that itch” and one day it may itch no more! But for now, know that you are loved. I am with you. We can choose again. Today we can start over and we don’t need sugar. It’s bad for us. It disconnects us from our Source (and from being able to work together effectively). I am with you and will always be with you. Rest in me. You are loved. We’ll pick up from here and everything is going to be okay. I love you."
ps. Since I’m here I’ll also just note that I’ve been in Victim/Victimizer hell. I’m being dramatic, but it (and its spin-offs like narcissism and manipulation and control) is definitely all over my field for witnessing and practice.
pss. The biggest “job” I’ve got right now is working with my inner child … hearing her, learning about her needs (from her and other sources like parenting books and of course ES materials), and then trying to be there for her. Reparenting in spirit then and now. I know it sounds weird, but I sense that she knows I’m with her.
psss. I don't remember a lot about it but I dreamt of rainbows...lots of rainbows and I was talking to Lisa Renee (well a very sweet and kind astral version of her, probably, ha!) about them. Makes me think of the aurora fields which are now almost effortless to spot in the sun and becoming more vibrant and thick. I remember when I first started reading ES materials I thought it was interesting and wondered if Lisa was talking about the rainbow fields in my eyes? I didn't think much of them before, but now when I see them, they represent such support and love.
The ridiculous amount of number messages I receive all day every day do the same, but I'm working to decode those... oh... well.... I also "work to decode" the light messages too... I see gold rays and blue rays and rainbow rays. I had a magenta ray once (only once that I can remember - it was honestly a bit shocking). I have seen aqua portals which is different than the blue ray (which is like an overlay of light... same with the gold ray). Anyway, I just watch that and it is all unfolding. I appreciated the link Eddie shared yesterday where Mhairi and Sequoia were talking to Lisa (January 2019) - so much good stuff including how we don't necessarily need to know what's going on... I don't think this is what Sequoia said exactly, but essentially it just happens for us as a part of our evolution and maybe from the efforts by the teams working with us. I'm sorry if I butchered it, but it essentially helped me relax a little and realize that everything is happening of its own accord ... it will be most comfortable if I just ride with it... be a compassionate witness to my own evolution! I don't need to manipulate/control/push-pull it... it's happening on its own and the efforting that I think I'm doing may just be creating drag. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't respond and cooperate...there's lots of that needed.... but it comes back to that country song that says "God take the wheel". (I don't listen to Country but I think that's the genre and the name... if not, you get the jist!)
Oh snap! I'm sorry! One more topic! Cognitive dissonance is huge! They also talked about in that January 2019 call... but I had been working with it especially the last few days. I feel like my four-body system isn't nested correctly and especially (or maybe just highlighted right now) my mental body and emotional body are out of whack and have been maybe all of my life (or since severe childhood trauma). I live in perpetual cognitive dissonance... my mental body and emotional body are not aligned. Maybe I'll flesh this out more some other time. This is too long now, but did want to mention it.
Thank you all for reading! I'm sorry I got so chatty at the end... I get on a roll and just keep blabbering... ha! Sending love to you all!
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