So much support!!

 11:12 At some point I should write about all the support I've gotten this morning! Starting with waking to write down a somewhat disturbing dream and warning. And then looking at the sun and then caring for animals and walking and then an influx of wisdom and support through the AG and friends... VM from Diana, message from Angela yesterday which I read today and even Kirk came forward with some amazing insight (which blew up my mind in a good way). 

"the Aurora and Padmasambhava are working on the return of re-encryption of the elemental field so that the conductance can be had. They are saying again this part of the field is dead, so it means that these living light structures and codes cannot be fully transmitted until certain base miasmas and blockages are dealt with."

Reading today's AG pick on Plasma Waves

“As we change the electron count through the process of ionization by adding protons from the solar activity (spiritual ascension), we change the basic compounds of our elemental body to become less dense.”

“As we are gradually able to conduct plasma light, we are capable to change the atomic structure of our body from carbon based to the less dense compound of silicate. This occurs through the changing of the number of electrons that are bonded to our atomic and subatomic structure.”

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Plasma_Waves

And yesterday's on Michael Mary Reversals (https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Michael_Mary_Reversals_Session) which I finished or am finishing today and is so personal. Even the Obliesk part which relates to the "solar phallus" conversation I'm having with Jason Dalaba... and the Padma part which references the Asian grids. I got that AG pick earlier this week and feels related to Paul a lot ... EVERYTHING does. That's 8D though.... and we've got the 2D connection related to the whole Gulf which Paul is also connected to... and Jerusalem connection. Yesterday Paul was telling me about how years ago he felt he had astrally traveled to Israel during sukkot (and I think he said other times too).... but I feel we are so tied to that. And his Egyptian toes. Our connection to Egypt... the 4D-2D split. And Golden Eagle Grid, of course, with 10D connection. And he was in the Persian Gulf War and sustained PTSD from it which we haven't really tapped into. 

I know it's so hard and there are SO MANY psychic attacks on both of us, but I NEED TO remain steadfast. Yesterday's affirmation was about how I'm in a relationship that brings me joy and comfort in every way. I feel I am getting lots of support to help me stay the course. My job is to clear my negative ego so I can hold the sophianic field to support Paul's ascension which he has to do himself. My efforts to "be the holy spirit"... to fill in blanks or tell him what's what only HALTS progress and creates blocks. 

I just need to LOVE HIM. I need to LOVE ME. I'm great and God in me is especially great!!! Thank you God!!

11:22 

Feels like bringing it forward in OmniLov3 call is bringing forward this support as well. Thank you God! I hope I can share what you'd like me to share. But I need to do my work.
And stay ALIGNED with MY HEART. 

Brain dump

11:42pm 1/29/22

Let's dump our brain or our beating heart... it's hurting...it's confused. It feels rejected. It doesn't know what it did wrong. It put on that lingerie that Paul suggested putting on and it put on perfume and brushed hair and sexualish music ... it tried to be attractive even though it didn't feel attractive. It danced a little because Paul asked me to.... and he never madea move for her. He went under the covers and just left her there in the cold and she feels so unloved and confused. She doesn't know what she did wrong.
She feels wrong. She is wrong because she cares too much in the flesh... the ego... the negative ego is here so strong and needs to be put away. She hurgs. Her poor heart. There was such big beating in her heart. The tears flow now. She just wants to connect to her beloved. Today she felt the left ring finger tingling a lot today... knowing there is something 7D working through. She tries too hard and not enough. So here we are now... just dump it out, Feel it out. Know you are loved dear one. I LOVE YOU. I AM ENOUGH. 

I've got to know the truth. I do want higher consciousness. I don't want drugs. I do want truth. I don't want anything that isn't aligned with my highest plan and possibility. I AM. I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM... thinking about, worrying about, caring about, putting my heart into another in the hopes that his love will help me love myself more is a LIE. No bueno. We will love ourself. It's between ME and me. Remember. Don't give up. Don't give up. Breathe.

Talking about drugs... dang drugs. We are just so different. He wants to use substances including drugs (he especially loves pot but he loves caffeine and other drugs that make him feel up especially because he's burned himself out really). It's up to him to choose the ascending path or not. It's up to him. I can't help him and I have to stop trying. I vow to stop trying to impose my beliefs upon him but it's just so fun to talk about beliefs and when I do, I talk in a way that is trying to convince others to believe what I say. 

He likes dominance and sexual perversion (hurting women) and drugs and laziness and distraction and screens and talks a good game but at 48 he's not embodying it a lot. I've backslidden. I was doing better with Michael - moving more toward what I feel I want - freedom from the tricks of the controllers.... the slight of hand of government, media, medical, etc. programs. I'm glad I cried. I needed to cry. I need to go to bed now. 

How could he just ignore me like that after I did all that - put on all the stupid clothes and music and danced and he wouldn't even touch me. After about an hour or two I took the stupid clothes off because they are made of polyester. He doesn't tell the truth. "What did I do wrong?" "What?" That's what he says. He won't even be honest. He doesn't connect with me unless he's doing drugs - sananga helps. That's what started the discussion... it helps him connect to me and recognize our love... but how can I encourage a substance use. It's selfish of me to want him to take it because I want him to love me, but I know it's not good for him.... substances used in order to elicit a response is anti-christ.

Satanism...blood sacrifice...eating people's hearts... he said "how do you know that's bad"? Do you have personal experience? I said YES. I do. Which I do from past lives or ancestral connections - Cahokia Mounds was a profound experience and connection to that.... but he doesn't see that. This is what I ask God to show me... I want God to show me.... if Paul isn't my highest and best mission/responsibility, then I don't want it. It's like Theresa said when I was marrying Tyrone "but Carissa, is it your BEST choice/path"? (or something like that). I believed it was my only option.... following God's prompting in my life. 

This is a round two... the question is, is the lesson to SEE CLEARLY the red flags and RUN or to learn how to harness my negative ego from within the fire? I feel so much that Paul is a beloved brother that I have the opportunity to support as he heals himself ... but is that hero/savior? Definitely. But what about Tikkun Olam synchronicities? Hero-Savior too? Yes, in a way. But also we ARE mirrors.

He is fickle. He doesn't know what he feels. He ISN'T attracted to me anymore and we're like old married people. This isn't right is it? Thank you God for helping me... clearing this up. Please keep showing me. Please keep showing Paul. Please let him lead in the separation because I don't trust myself. 

My pain body is here now. But also my feelings are valid. Neglect and selfishness is valid. 

I love you Carissa. You are brave. Thank you for feeling into this. Thank you for talking with me about it. Paul is snoring in the other room and that's fine.... I want to punish him by going in the other room and sleeping alone but that is a game and negative ego. It feels like it will hurt so much to lay down next to him and just let him not touch me. That's what hurt so much. He turns away and makes space between us... it's his distance and coldness and aloofness and it hurts and tears us apart. We are supposed to CLING to one another, especially when we are hurting...but he takes himself away. 

I do that too. I did that too. It hurts so bad. So I just have to cling and that's it. 12:03 12:04

Gratitude for music messages

I'm so grateful for God and my guidance who gave me a bit of healing through the Gaia program on Unity and then a playlist of songs that healed me. 

I don't actually have time to get into it, but wanted to express my gratitude.

12:52 - Hunter's Moon.

How are you? Horrible.

Rosemary asked me how I was... my answer: Horrible. This is the "new normal".

I emailed this to myself: 

My pain body is very active right now

I’m not happy

He does not have my best interests at heart because he only cares about himself
He calls other girls crazy but he is aloof, shut down, dishonest, a sexual predator mentality, selfish, this Only out for himself mentality is programmed by satanism 

But it is my job to hold a field of love. I can’t. My pain body is active. This must mean his is too. I’ve taken on his miasma. I can’t clear it. It’s too dense and stuck. 

I need a break 
Breathe
This is my break
Do me let Paul BE.

1:17 - my pain body is active. I've got the Lunar Woman suit on. I'm steeped in Satanism. I'm bitter. Resentful. Is that the same? Yesterday I took in what feels like Paul's energy... we were... he was... and asking me to... look at pictures from his past (he often does that. I called it narcissistic, but it feels like a way he is examining his life... like my journaling... it's part of the documentation process. I think we both do have that narcissism thing going on because of programming and/or nephilim or annunaki influence...but there's more to this... his photo thing... 

So it kicked up a bunch of dust.... energetic dust. When I looked at him, he looked ashen even. A darkness or shadow over his aura.... that was after I had cried some of it off of myself. But I felt it with him... I don't know if he felt it, but I think this is what has him ensnared... he doesn't know how to deal with all those emotions and frankly may not even feel them anymore. It just drives him further down into himself. Why have I been assigned to this? This is what I had to do/feel on October 31 last year too with him... it's like taking a piece of his pain and transmuting it for him. It's very hard. 
Very hard.

So I felt it... the emotional snarl came on ... like I get before my period sometimes... and it was big wave... very strong... I went in the bedroom away from him and cried...but it took hours to dissipate until I was asleep. It triggers my pain body too... and I want to be held and then that wanting/needing of something...is that lust? That creates vampiric suction and causes him to pull away and triggers HIS pain body and then a wall. 

I had to overcome my pain body (a piece... a tiny piece) by still holding him even though I wanted to be held.... that turning around to cling to him (even without my whole heart) was very hard. Very hard. 

This morning I woke up and heard "heal yourself through him"...like through loving him.  Overcoming my SELF... it was the same thing... hold him even though I wanted to be held. Now I see that HE NEEDED TO BE HELD so I have to feel what I want and give it to him. In a way. There are many layers to this. I'm streaming pain and tears as I write. 

13:31 - Melanie's Mateo got bit ... she's having to witness his pain and trauma response. God, Carissa, SEE. This is what you are supposed to do for Paul too. Put pillows around him and love him and try to make him comfortable. 

___

1:48 13:33/22

Note these powerful and aligned AG picks I got today: 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Cosmic_Cube_Matrix 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Lunar_Female_Distortions#/random 

___

Really good talk with /rosemary who spoke truth to me. She was worried about me - is worried... my biggest takeaways were that I may need to shield and command space 10 times a day or more! Do what I need to do. And take care of myself...stay connected to Source! I've got to take care of myself. Eat well. Get sunshine. Spend time in nature. Stay close to ES and OL. Keep my processing channels open. 

And STOP RESISTING PAUL's expression. I can't even resist the Satanism. This is what his soul came to experience... it's actually MY RESISTANCE that is causing me pain. Let him do him. That's back to that, right? Do ME and let Paul BE. I just need to love him. And our loving eachother will help us to create the structure we are meant to create to help transit these things... I've been a kindergarden transiter but maybe we are being called to transit bigger things. That Chort and Bies thing in 6D  was just a tiny snapshot of what we COULD do and maybe what we are called to do if we both follow our path.

But LOVE, not resistance. Not judgement. Just LOVE.

And if I'm not feeling good. Take care of myself. If I don't want to be around the loud music or energy, then take myself out of the situation. My 10D/ear feels clogged again. Attacks on 10D to keep me from holding the sophianic frequencies needed to support the healing of my beloved 9D. So we can merge and heal and flow Aurora healing in 11 and 12. 

Last night I pulled "Alpha Omega Clearing" and listened to it twice. 

Chort and Bies

ES Post:
Preliminary information on the Chort and Bies … feels related to what I feel to be working on in some levels. Connected to Russia and Satanism (and Luciferianism as I’m involved in another round of trying to discern the difference.)

You guys, I think I’m on team Ezekiel too… this month's newsletter was so amazing… I mean, they all are, but this part:

"Ezekiel was able to track information about the origins of the Black Sun energy source fields from Taran and Tiamat body parts used by the alien invaders in the 8D Galactic Core, specifically the Marduk satanist lineages traced to metatronic reversals and Nibiruian control. Thus, Ezekiel is prominent in working on restoring the time matrix through finding the locations of the alien black cube system architecture that comprises the beast machine technology in the Yahweh Matrix, that sends feedback loops of the Black Star Abaddon and transmit the revelation 9:11 timestamp codes running the Armageddon-pestilence software."

Feels to me that I've come into divine union with my aeonic partner and judging by the darkness we signed up to swim in, it may look on the outside like we are an antihierogamic union or holding a reversal field… and maybe we are…. clinging on to the backside of a reversed field…. but I am confident we are doing this in order to heal it. To feel, observe, learn, and help the traps to dissolve.

I didn’t really believe or understand this at first (if I had, I don’t think I would have agreed to unite with him), but my beloved is a professing “Satanist”. “Anarcho-Satanist” is what he calls his particular belief system. Now I didn’t know much about Satanism before - still don’t - but I have learned that there are two main kinds of Satanists, some that believe in an actual being as their deity (though I think it is more like a power source they are drawn to and worship (moloch/loosh fields?)… and then there are some that are atheists that don’t believe in anything and just out to satisfy the lusts of their flesh/mind/emotions.

I think there is a third type that is a mixture of these… that believe THEY are God… that’s the kind that I have been embodying in this incarnation (and others). I don’t mean this in the “I AM GOD/ GSF” way either… this mindset doesn’t recognize UNITY or God as a WHOLE/ ONENESS. This is the “I am more powerful than God” idea… the “Luciferian” attempt to BE God… to USURP the Godhead’s power and rule myself and others. (USURP = key word.)

I’ve been healing this schism… which is something I recognized while serving and worshipping from the field of traditional “Christianity” (in a non-denominational but pretty much baptist version of “church”). I’ve journaled about it before - this recognition that “I AM the devil” was really profound, powerful, and also very unpopular. People don’t like it when you say that! But it was the grace of God and my Oraphim family showing me the template I was holding and a key part of the process of healing it.

So now I’m …well…sometimes not doing so well… these are really hard fields I’m swimming in…. but I’m starting to get my sea-legs, I think. Paul (whose first name is actually “Derek” which means “the Way”) IS my person. (My fear of commitment and the challenges I am enduring wants to add “for now”, but I know that’s negative ego…. I need to just be present with no attachment to outcome…and "now" is a mental construct.) But Paul’s been immersed in Satanic energies for pretty much his whole incarnation in this life and it sounds like in many others as well.

We are the same. Mirrors. Monadic twin? I have also been involved in these dark lifetimes. I believe we are both healing Fallen Seraphim distortions (and more?! GAH!)… but I have been swimming around in the beautiful Krystic fields here in ES for 2 years and kind of got used to that and now it’s like being dunked into icy dark water - unpleasant and shocking and trying to figure out which way is up. (I’m being dramatic - it’s not that bad! But the Satanism and sexual misery stuff IS really challenging.)

Currently I’m immersed especially in Satanic music and imagery… trying to understand it. The draw. The power. The message. Some of it seems so beautiful and almost intends to comfort the soul of the listener. Are there cathar or sophianic frequencies embedded in there and if so, why? How? What's the point? Is this a way to reach a different type of broken-hearts/souls to restore them?

What is Satanism anyway?
Paul clings to it as an expression of his disdain for the Catholic church and Christianity and all the lies perpetuated in the name of God and Christ. He chooses the ANTI-Christ although he thinks the character of "Satan" is fictional. He believes in TRUTH... in LOVE... and in Source energy.

I listen to some of the music and there are some horrible sentiments but also some that empower and give hope to people. It's confusing. It comforts people - gives them a community and sense of belonging... but does it do so with twists? Tricks? To invite cords to a “savior” that will love and be with them always (that is really a trap/trick … connect to the angel of light.) I guess it depends on the particular song or message and which satanic agenda they are trying to push. Dissociation and implosion of the being? External deity worship? Trade your "soul" for power? Believe in yourself only? Lust?

This “Angel of Light” business is twisty too. Lucifer, the Morning Star. Who is the Light of the World? Christ or Lucifer? Brothers? There are so many threads here…. the two candlesticks…two olive branches….??

I wish I could delve into this more clearly... I have lots of floating pieces to examine and would love to unpack it with you but my head has been messed up and I'm feeling like I’ve got significant brain fog. I’ve also had debilitating pressure in my skull for weeks… my left ear especially hurts but both did. I can’t hear great out of my left ear either. 10D. My clarity is off and I feel confused and sometimes in what feels like I’m caught in an undertow. I thought it was all energetic - I had a session with Charlotte and understood the relation to the 6th chakra and some of the work connected to that. I had a session with my chiropractor and frequency/laser doctor who worked her magic… but physically it kept getting worse. Anxiety was through the roof! CNS activations. Sympathetic dominance.

Of course I wonder if I'm back in Ascension Symptom land due to upgrades or is it because I'm back in these lower fields from my negative ego and work with Paul? I need to shield and breathe more and better.

The other day I woke up and felt that I should check with my pendulum if I needed to go to the western medicine field (aka get antibiotics)… and it said I should. I checked couple hours later and it still said I should. So I did. Sinus infection. I hate doctors and antibiotics but I had tried all my natural remedies and I was getting worse and worse. I guess this is a confession and me kicking myself - but I also had some good conversation with myself about running krystic algorithms through the antibiotics and how it could support healing of other items I didn’t realize needed that support. I am taking lots of probiotics and it’s the beginning of day 3 and I'm feeling a bit better. Head pressure is significantly better and right ear feels almost all the way better - left ear still feels clogged/challenged, but we’re working on it.

So back to Paul… talking to him, listening to his music with him, asking him questions, understanding his experiences has opened doorways of consciousness. Paul is an eternal truth seeker - so brave and beautiful! I believe wholeheartedly he signed up to understand and ultimately heal the 10-sphere Thothian distortions (and more). The NRG traps and mutations have trapped angelic humans in the forms of beasts (ie. Chort). I wonder if it could be as simple as a kiss (LOVE) that unlocks them from these forms? The classic fairytale with the kiss of the prince/princess that unlocks the being from being trapped in a frog form, or sleeping beauty, Snow White, etc…. Hmmm.

Yesterday Diana inspired me to play with some imagery/art and I found myself working on this “Healing Baphomet” artwork. I am going to drop a piece of the cloaked one (depicting healing through the Mother and Child) here, you won’t be able to tell, but there are components like a rose over its heart and layers of kisses to heal a baphomet image… including one big kiss on his third eye…

Anyway… this is where I’ve been….overwhelmed and slimed… but here I AM.

We shared a beautiful transit this morning with this first level of information on the Chort and Biel and its relation to Paul. Let me explain how it came about. (As I hear the “Ghost” song, “Hunters Moon” playing in Paul’s office… it’s all so relevant.)

So we started talking about Ghost (his favorite band which I have also grown fond of - great musicality and interesting (and disturbing) messages and art to explore). We talked about what some of the lyrics meant to him which led to conversation about AC/DC and we had to watch some of their videos (my negative ego is whining that this was all so disturbing and hard!)… and then we got into a conversation about a time 25 years ago when he was hallucinating and got some strange messages/downloads. We're both amazed that he somehow remembered two of the phrases that had popped in his head at that time: “Just Chort of Life” and “The Beis Life Ever”. Sounds like he didn't know what those words, Chort and Beis, meant and didn't have google back then to look them up. But we looked them up together today and I instantly recognized the resemblance (I guess to some layers of one or more stations of Paul’s consciousness and/or work). The tie in to Russia which is one of the projects I’m working with now also feels important. This is also why I’m sharing this here… it’s all related. So interesting what we are all doing here, family! It’s WILD!

Anyway, after we took in all that information, I didn’t know what to do with the energy… I went outside in the snow and tried to tone…make noises to release it… it needed a release… I was desperate for a release… but that didn’t work. So I came back in and asked Paul to sit next to me on the ottoman … my left side touching his right side… and I put my arm in his and FELT. When I did that, tears came…energy released. I watched the clock go from 10:23 to 10:24.

Thank you God.

____

1/23 1:11

Note, also this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mephistopheles is around to observe. Too heavy for this moment. 

1/23 3:33

Angela's response to my post led to the glossary pick for the week - https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Watchers
Feels very aligned to the Chort.

"Many of the Nephilim were destroyed on the earth during the Nephilim Wars and their fragmented consciousness become enmeshed with the lower demonic spirits of the dense levels of earth matter. Some of these entities bound to the earth became known as the Watchers, and comprise of both combinations of Nephilim and Fallen Angelics fragments which descended to become ruled over by the hierarchies of the Belial and Baal entities in the earth. Over time these fragments evolved into many lower spirit hierarchies of entities, trapped within the earth fields unable to evolve, transit or heal."

Oh my gosh.

4:43
17:17

9:52 - I just got slimed... or took on a LOT of energetic goo... sucked into Paul's satanism again. Listening to/watching Ghost video recognizing counterfeit Cathar tones to lull people to allow evil messaging in... leading them to Hell. "Call me Little Sunshine" is an amazing example ... it straight up calls people to give their soul to the devil through drugs essentially, and takes them to glorified hell where THERE they will be accepted and not alone. Angela said that thing about lulling people ... or something like it.

Julie also saw Paul's werewolf cum persona/experience... which it is always there. I've been trying to say "I love you I love you I love you" in my heart (last night I said it out loud)....to try to heal this monster.... pain... wolf totem? I need to look into Ghengis Khan... is there a connection there with Paul? Is it related to his father's lineage? 

It's so hard and big. Is it possible for him to fully come out of this during this incarnation? I want to say that it's impossible, but it's HIS SOUL's choice. I just need to keep speaking truth. Keep observing. Be a compassionate and loving witness, dear ONE. He is still here with you, not afraid of your Light. 

Our Oraphim parts are counterparts, I believe. 

What's with Faust? And Chort? and Mephistopheles....? Related?

Don't push him away.

 I need to get my expecations, entitlement, and anger under control. I was meditating... pulled the "Clearing the YHVH Matrix and 12 Feathers of Aquaferion" which was so perfect! But halfway through, my phone alarm (for Pi) started going off in the other room. I had a really hard time concentrating on the meditation and wanted ...wished... for Paul to turn it off. He was in the bathroom so I didn't think that was possible... until I heard him finish in the bathroom and heard him walking around the house. I was sure he would turn it off, but he didn't. I just fumed and fumed and got madder and madder and eventually got up to turn it off myself. Paul was walking back in from outside when I came out and I exploded (not super bad, but just like "WHY DID YOU NOT TURN THIS OFF?!!"... and he said "it's not my phone"...ugh. I said it was and grumbled back to the guest room to finish the meditation. As I was turning it back on I realized that the clock said 12:22 on 1/22 in 2022 ... 12:22/22/22... stopped at 13:14 remaining. I hit the 30 seconds back a couple times and it ended on 17:17 ... so I just needed to chill. It was all aligned.

THIS (meditation) is what Paul and I are working on so much... all the YHVH Matrix stuff... disconnecting from Abbadon and signing up to connect with the organic matrix for DNA rehabilitation for the 12 strands/human blueprint. 

I am uptight. 
The veins are here. 
Not feeling super grounded.
We had at least 3 inches of snow... maybe 4. It's pretty! 
It's cold. 
I need to take care of my adrenals. 
And Paul.
My head is starting to clear some.... It doesn't feel as bad as yesterday. Still clogged, especially in 10D. But this is all part of the restructuring and repair. And I need to BE NICE. I call on the spirits of CHRIST to embody - purity, patience, kindness, generosity, discipline, diligence, and humility. 

I'm so entitled. 
Serve. This is what I came for. Serve with a happy heart.

I broke into tears today looking at the Ozzy Ozbourne albume cover for Ozzmozis (Paul called Moses that name this morning which led to this... and then he said his spots reminded him of the album cover and then he wanted to play me the songs that remind him of his children... I listened to the one that reminded him of Elijah and it was so beautiful and I cried and cried....  lots of tears. It was beautiful... but at the end so sad ... no hope for eternity. And in the album cover I saw the mismatched body parts all hoping for RRO. This is what we are doing for ourselves and our family. Paul and I are apparently signed up for this Satanic reclamation thing.

I've been saying for as long as I've been spiritual that I related so much to "the devil".... and I wanted to love the devil to help "him" repent.... there is lots of this "devil" and also, like, the SRA connection and pedophilia connection... it's all so personal for my soul to work on. And now I'm united with my Aeonic Pair and he is a dang "Satanist"... he calls himself an "Anarcho-Satanist"... and I know his soul is doing this reclamation work too... like Ezekiel did...and what I'm here to do. This the "dragging the darkness into the light". This is the work...the mission... recognizance. And now I have my beloved to work with.... 

SO DON'T PUSH HIM AWAY!!!

I want to journal on ES. I need to. I just don't know where to start. It's fine. We are still learning...Guidance is with us. Thank you God. 

I wanted to move out of here, but it seems that we need to be here, anchoring frequencies right where we are. I was offered the assistant to the property manager job (which is pretty much me being a property manager sans the title)... $500 a month. Not sure when it starts. But it keeps us here. It's great here. Family isn't far. We're near the Air Force Base. Not far from Lisa and Tomas. Holding a HGS field...or supposed to. 

All divine. I am eternal. Fear not.
Fear pulsing wants to get me. Have had to work with Death Energies the last few days... this FEAR... but I need to just feel it. With everything... FEEL IT. 

Derek

You see though? DEREK... the WAY... is a pretty special dude! He has taken on this huge mission...he is related to... serving this Ezekiel reclamation mission! 

Reading this month's newsletter: https://energeticsynthesis.com/resource-tools/news-shift-timelines/3762-the-liberation-of-ezekiel

...and it's so encouraging and such a great reminder of what we are working with...what we are doing... THANK YOU GOD!

I need to stay close to these resources. 

This morning I woke up with such anxiety again and I asked my pendulum (2x) if I should go see a doctor... I just felt that I should...and it said I should. I doubted and then asked again a while later. 

Even though it was $135 for a guy to spend 2 minutes with me, he DID say I have a significant sinus infection and ear infection starting and bulging eardrums and something with my throat... and prescribed amoxicillin. 

Let me go ahead and ... even after taking two... just check to make sure it is aligned with my highest and best path. (Which is what I asked when I asked if I should go see a doctor. Note.... we went to Dr. Puja yesterday and I was hoping that would solve it... and I tried doing Rosemary's suggestion to pull celestine fire into my body... and I tried breathing... I need to breathe more... I keep getting that message... but this is all related to Indigo neurology and healing... 6D repair and reclamation.)

Yes... the antibiotics will help. Yes, I can and have run krystal algorithms in to them to support my body and heal deeply, even other things which I cannot comprehend right now.

Major healing now. Thank you. 

___

note: Blue Indian God ... is that Shiva?... popped out at me and held my consciousness at the Thai-Indian-Chinese restaurant in Wendell the other day.

Shiva just came up in the IG talk Paul and I are listening to. 

Ka Ta Ra - Kantarians?

I'm pretty sure I'm working this Ezekiel piece with Paul. I need to take better notes ... still reading... but it's SO SO SO good and aligned. 

____

8:24 12:12 12:13

Not well

Saw 1:00 100% 2:22 3:33 12:34 13:12 or maybe it was 12:13.... 12:22 I believe too. 

Communication with Paul is a nightmare.

Dr. Puja was a miracle with Paul... he was so depleted and at the end of his health, it seems like. But a half hour in the hyperbaric chamber and he was puffed right back up to life! It was a miracle!!

I am feeling really discouraged with him though. He seems so so SO selfish ... everything is all about him and he just takes and takes ...and he does give too... but the exchange doesn't feel fair. He is happy to just rack money up on my card and not CAREful and not guarding us at all. Not responsible. That's it... not RESPONSIBLE... doesn't take responsibility for us. He plays his games and plays on his phone and wastes his time all day and gets himself all stressed out about it and he's doing NOTHING.

But I have to recognize myself in this too. I do the same thing, right? What do I have to do? Coffee enemas, baths, reading, meditation, a little work, take care of dogs, a few chores.... not much... and I'm the same. I just have different priorities. 

We are so similar. Too similar. Or maybe perfectly similar so I should have COMPASSION and KINDNESS. 

I get hurt and upset when I hear him talking about all the people he has had sex with... multiple people...20 hours in a row... a lot... it's just not my jam. This isn't my jam. I can't heal it. I hate it. Yesterday I used that stupid $225 vibrating toy until I was strung out and with no orgasm (because it is TOXIC)... this is NOT how my soul wants to let go or orgasm. The day before when we were just loving eachother...so in love... I almost came during that. Until I said "I'm going to come" and then lost it. 

I am in sympathetic dominance... I have said that how many times to him and he didn't even know it when I said it today...after his session with Dr. Puja where we saw HE was in awful stages of that same thing.... the end of himself.... and when I mentioned that I had said it a few times, he didn't remember... so all these days that I keep telling him that I'm drowning, I'm suffering, I need a rest, I'm not well... etc... Michael would hear it once and insist I rest and get better. Paul just doesn't even hear me or care. 

Why do I do this to myself? Impulsive decision indeed. It IS like Tyrone all over again and I'm falling into lunar and negative ego and falling apart. I'm also, I believe, empathing...feeling or taking on HIS distortions and weaknesses (and sympathetic dominance) and disconnections and reversals. Is it possible to cut him loose or are we tied together (and me tied to all the other people he's been with too)?? OH GOD!!!!!!!

This is the life I signed up for. LOTS OF MIASMA. And hardened miasma in Paul. He loves his Satanism.... but I have to realize how much he has changed...so quickly....he's used to only looking out for himself and he's looking out for all of us in a way. He may not recognize my sacrifices which I keep trying to tell him because I want to be applauded for it, but am I applauding his? No. I'm doing the same thing to him that he's doing to me. In that arena. 

There are so many problems and we have the worst communication. This is what that astrology app said would be our biggest area of opportunity/concern. 

Our relationship is not well. And well. Right now it's not. I'm very emotional - flip flop flip flop. 

I want to run away, no I want to commit, no I want to run away, no I want to commit. 

The truth is I haven't committed. I am looking for an out. I will have two jobs and he wants to live off the government... he applied for unemployment in Alaska... and he wants to do something where he doesn't have to work....or complicated stuff that will cause him to splat and not finish. But it's HIS LIFE. 

Why do I want to control it? If I had some security would I feel differently? Do I exist to sacrifice ... hand over... trade... my life for his?? I didn't think so. I thought it was about creating a UNITY field where we could create something TOGETHER. But we aren't on the same page. And it seems he, like most men, want others to take care of them. Most people? Maybe it's not a man thing, but it feels really reversed for a man since we grew up being trained that the man was the "head of the household" and provided for his family. Then we were trained to be men (as women) and it confused everything anyway....

I'm lost. I need to rest. I need to spend time with my community. I release Paul. (Wishful thinking. I haven't.)

It pisses me off that I have to work... I have to take care of the animals, I have to take care of myself, I have to take care of Paul, I have to take care of the house, and I have to do work. I also have friendships to attend to and my spiritual growth, and OUR spiritual housekeeping. He wouldn't even listen to a little bit of a podcast with me in the car on the way home. He started to but then he got involved with his phone and stopped listening.... didn't listen much at all. I listen to all the sarcastic, satanic, CRAP he wants me to but he can't listen to a little bit of something which I let HIM pick which was about the HEART which is RELEVANT and he checked out. 

I AM in VICTIM-VICTIMIZER and does it feel good to my pain body? I guess. I HATE IT. And I HATE SO MUCH. I'm angry, mad, bitter...all the things...

Today

1/17 1:11

I don't know. Just wanted to note that time. Downloading processes and musical mantras for Paul's senanga and maybe our meditation practice together.... Romero help. 

Paul's belongings should arrive this week.

Dear Paul

Dear Paul,

This relationship isn’t working for me. 

I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to do nothing. Clinging to the mantra my soul gave me: Do Me, Let Paul BE.

I yearn to patiently sink into the present moment in a state of neutrality with no attachment to outcome. I keep falling back into my ego. Every minute. And I am in a battle with myself to LET GO and LET GOD. (Let everything unfold as it is meant to… without pushing or pulling.)

But am I supposed to DO anything? 

Am I supposed to take action or responsibility?

Communication … with words or without, can we help communicating? 

I miss my friend - you were my friend when we talked on the phone - we talked about “real” things. I know we have to talk about day-to-day…and that’s great if you are interested in my opinion, but you aren’t because you feel criticized… you don’t ask for my opinion and I want to share and connect so I give it and I shouldn’t. I need to “speak when spoken to”. 

This is why I think I can’t be in this relationship. I don’t know HOW to. 

I want to “run away”. But I also daydream about maybe just being friends. Maybe we just should have been friends from the getgo. But how much of this is spiritual attack? I’m confused because I know that  we were brought together for a reason - it was powerful and divinely led and that is right up my alley. 

You feel like my soul mate and sometimes we connect so beautifully… so deeply. But it’s getting less and less. Fewer and far between. 

I expect to live in this spiritual high always… I have to just allow others to let down. They can’t live like this. I I I I I I… I’m sick of I.

Let I go.

Crying is good.

Anger is good.

Feeling is good. 

Abondonment. 

It’s like “tolerance withdrawal”… this is “abandonment while still together”. 

I can’t meet your needs.

I don’t want you to lie. I know you aren’t attracted to me. And I am not meant to be attractive to anyone who isn’t my divine partner. I see my pheromones rejecting you too…. or putting off the scent that deters the vampires. Is that to deter you or deter the spirits? 

I miss Michael. He genuinely loved me and genuinely cared about me and I took his love for granted. He is not my divine counterpart, my soul’s mate, my monadic partner. I thought you were. But maybe I was just a vessel to help you … it was time for your next chapter to begin… you needed to get out of Alaska and you wanted a new life for Manson… I was a part of your timeline shift. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe the rest of it was projection from my beliefs… 

Don’t doubt. 

I know that I was and still am connected to a deeper part of you. And I need to bear with the 3D part. Just as you bear with my 3D parts.

I want my Mom.

Not really.

Holy Mother, yes. Holy Father, yes. I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM.

Do I throw out the baby with the bathwater? 

Do I take action to drain the bathwater while holding the baby?

Do I wait for a holy parent to drain the bathwater?

Stop trying.

Stop lying.

JUST BE.

2:02 - note, I didn't send or share this with Paul... glad I wrote it to me. I am seeping. 

An hour or so ago he was sitting on the couch looking at photos of women. Possibly to get him excited in order to have sex with me. He seemed to be interested in it 20 minutes prior as we were listening to a Ram Dass talk. I just sat and seeped (cried) and listened to Ram Dass speak about love and truth and tried to just be present with Paul and what was. It was lovely. In the sun. But... as I was taking care of chicken waters and talking to dogs I was in and out of the house and I could see him hiding his phone... pretending not to... I see these games and then he energetically sees me see him and hides more. And I shouldn't be triggering him to hide. I want him to come to the LIGHT.
DEREK OR (Way of Light)

2:22

Hunter's Moon

Hunter's Moon - Though my memories are faded, they are coming back for me again!

This is my lesson... 

Let go of control
Do me. Let Paul BE.

It will come back around and around. It's not for me. MY JOB is to LOVE. Not JUDGE. 

Thank you God for the lesson and opportunity. Thank you for sending my beloved to teach me. Thank you. It's beautiful. Thank you - Big sobs. Thank you. 

Feel it. Feel how I want to run away. Control. Put an end to it. Separate until.... blah blah. CONTROL.

Take Yours. I'll Take Mine. - https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=L3bUrdnAgXY&feature=share 
If I throw away my fear and pride to set things right
Then I'll find mine on the right of Your side

Perfect. Thank you God.
Miracles. These messages and support. Thank you. We can do this, Love. We are HERE FOR IT. YOU WILL DO THIS. 

1/12 2:23
1/12 2:24

The bridge is love

BUILD A BRIDGE
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=KC0XCLMa9kw&feature=share

Also ... "Do me. Let Paul BE." (Is this true? Is this how I build a bridge or is a trick to get me to disengage?)  Working with co-dependency energies... trying to change what is. His energies affecting me and me trying to resist them by changing them by trying to DO or say or love enough to "make them better". But I can't... it's not for me. He wants to be saved but won't let anyone save him. Hero/Savior in me wants to "save"... "healing eachother in love" isn't this kind of action or emotional manipulation... it IS manipulation if I am trying to change what is. 

Wow. Thank you God.

"I've come to build a bridge, so come let's build."
The bridge is love. 

Love isn't consumptive modeling. Love isn't manipulation. Love is acceptance ... just the way things are. 

I accept Paul in this moment, just the way he is.
I accept Carissa in this moment, just the way she is.

Thank you God. 

___

9:11 Black magic attack through Kirk who is feeling VV, apparently. See it. Observe it in love. He wants to cut me off. Bugs coming through me? Maybe. I had that dream about Commander bugs...beetles...4 different kinds ... or maybe only 3 were "commander" bugs. Hm. Yeah. 

Personal

Such a good song: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=U_ruIcQ_7Dw&feature=share (Sweet Sailor by Ayla)

Practice and/or create guided meditations for couples?

Share more on ESF? 

My ears and head are still clogged... since ear candling...but I think it is an activation. I got water in my left ear today and it wants to make me crazy. INTEGRATE.

Do ME and let Paul BE. 

Love him. His pain body is active today...he's not acting out but I feel it. I recognize some of the undercurrents. Maybe mine is too... maybe it wants to try to play with his. I won't let it. I'll observe. Observe. 

Seraphim Reclamation meditation was incredible just now. Always. Really on point. So personal. 

Love. 
Love Paul. 
What an honor. 

So much to learn and experience and practice. Thank you for this opportunity. 

"Through patience I see light in all that's built with time."
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=C3LBZyuqlgs&feature=share
(and more... a perfect song for now)

My mouth is out of hand. Stay quiet.

AMEN - King and Country: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9sVQaunK6E&feature=share
"I'm coming alive with with you"

Resentment and miracles

Whoo. Thank you God. This article by Dr. Wilson (given today through his newsletter) was so timely:
https://www.drlwilson.com/Articles/RESENTMENT.htm

I was definitely feeling this this morning. Just feeling it ... not sure where it came from. Just needing to watch. All these emotions just need to be watched. Very interesting things, these emotions. 

Maybe ask questions. I was feeling resentful that Paul was walking ahead of us kind of ignoring us on our family walk. I was feeling resentful that he hasn't publicly shared our relationship. (I know he appreciates the attention and conversation with other women and that would be a buzz kill, I guess. This is bitterness talking but also truth. That quote yesterday or the day before was also so important and rings in my head because I'm sure that I am allowing doubt to poison our...my... love. 

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." ~Buddha 

This is it.

So resentment causes doubt causes the disintegration of the gift of our love. It's all rooted in ego and fear. 

Paul has to go through his process. This is MY process... look at jealousy, doubt, bitterness, resentment, frustration, anger... look at it. What does it do to your mind and body and being? Do you feel light and joyful and happy? 

I saw 10:01 (and 8:24 and 9:24).... MIRROR and HGU. It's 10:26 now, divine feminine. I saw how I was the one walking ahead of Michael just in my own world... I did that to him. I wasn't conscienscious of his feelings ... I didn't ask about him. I didn't clean up after myself. Poor Michael. So see this. Recognize it. Maybe even apologize. 

Paul is a mirror. And what do we do with a mirror? "I accept myself in this moment, just the way I am."

So last night was incredible!! As I was journaling here, I started listening to music and then I went to the forum and I was kind of switching between music, crying, dancing, and reading on the forum and I was brought to this crescendo of emotion... feeling deeply and also relating it to lunar mother and false parent (a tinge). Mostly I didn't know exactly what I was feeling through, only that I needed to feel it. 

I sat at my desk and was sobbing and reading and listening and it was so incredible and then I noticed that Paul was out of the bathroom (where he had been showering) so I went to look for him and couldn't find him. I looked everywhere ... outside even. Eventually I called him and found that he was in the dark in a corner by the washer on the floor sobbing. It was so beautiful! 

He had a breakthrough understanding about his Dad and smoking being a way to stay connected to him and there was a song that came up that his Dad always listened to. Oh, and that he hadn't said goodbye to his Dad....it was so great this work he had been doing. (Side note miracle, when we looked up the song, the song on the other side of the record was called "Say Goodbye"! I pointed it out to him but in hindsight, right now, I'm realizing that I shouldn't have. I should have held it in consciousness and allowed him to figure it out for himself in his own time.)

https://www.discogs.com/release/8376942-Fred-Armand-Im-A-Roughneck-Now-Say-Goodbye

Anyway, it was a miracle... we were feeling through all that together. My tears and emotion and dancing was helping birth that for Paul. Our connection is so deep and profound.  

But there are these other levels that I need to be patient with - healing in myself and in him - that need to be okay. I can't have it all right now. ALL. NOW. Impatience. Instant gratification. 

We came to do this work. I came to love Paul. To heal him in love. And to be healed in love. And we just need to cling to one another...warts and all. Cigarettes and all. Other women and all. Porn mind and all. Satanism and all. ARGH!

LOVE. 

LET GO for GOD'S SAKE (your Godself)

Happy 74th birthday to my Daddy!!

FEEL. Don't worry. SERVE. LOVE. ACCEPT. See ... REMEMBER... quitting smoking is PAUL'S work. YOUR WORK is letting go of worry, judgement, control, fear. Co-dependency. What he does isn't yours. You have your own stuff. SO MUCH STUFF! lol ... I love you!!! 

Grateful that Paul did an Omnilov3 meditation with me today! Robes of Christ Sophia or something. We both got knocked out. God, please guard beloved Paul's heart and help him. Help me. Help us.

Backbone: 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=P1k1eI2DMo0&feature=share

Light rises, not judgement

Thank you God for this verse today:

This is the verse ... well, chapter...given to me in January of 2010. We're 12 years out and it continues to be true. Is this related to Oraphim genetics and teams? I think so. 

____

I am really struggling with Paul's smoking. Okay. I'm not "really struggling". But I hate it. I could be struggling more. I need to remain in stillpoint, neutral, as a compassionate witness. I don't need to assign any energy to it. It's HIS. Look at MY issues. What are MY issues? Control. 

If it smells to me, I can get away from it. But his choices are his. I accept him in this moment JUST THE WAY HE IS. It's not for me to assign judgement or be critical. That is lunar energy. I actually don't feel very strongly, just mildly irked which I don't like and then I tend to make it into a mental rumination that feeds into a mental cancer of sorts. Don't let it have power. Don't let it become a "story". Is the story a cancer? Interesting. Let's call it tumor vs cancer. What's the difference? Is cancer a tumor that grows? A story that catches on and starts consuming healthy tissue? Yes. So it could be either, but we don't want to give it any power...we want the energy to keep flowing. LET THERE BE LOVE. And acceptance. 

I saw 11:11 today... and 9:08. Lots of 9:08's and 8:09. and 6:06 and 6:16

11:44 12:21

Saw 6:06 9:08 9:09 9:11 and I think 8:48 and definitely 8:08 ... lots of things... 12:22 and 11:11 in a message with Kelsey.

Talked to Evangeline today which was great!

Just saw this amazing quote in ESF and feels really personal. 

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." ~Buddha 

Saw 9:23 and 10:23
Ghost's "Witch Image" song put me in tears earlier today.

Please heal Moses

10:22 10:23

"I release control, and surrender to the flow, of love, that will heal me." (song)

I need to surrender Ming. Moses. I want to create, with my intention, and see, with my heart, that he will be fine... that we will get to the bottom of this. But he almost died the other day when his head got stuck in the fence. I don't know how it happened but it did. These are attacks on my beloved Guardian and healer. My weak spot. I am begging God to shield us. I feel at fault in a way because I've not been as "in the light" as I should be... I guess. I feel this is part of my mission to dig into the shadow and work with and love these harder energies... and holding them with Paul. Yesterday the addiction matrix was strong and Paul chose to 10:26 give in to his addictions, to the demons, to the voice. He recognizes it though. He felt it. He talked about it. I loved him. That's how we heal, right? 

I cried. Much responsibility as we work together...heal together. Tikkun Olam. We both have blind spots and we both hold each other in LOVE. I awoke to Paul whispering in my ear, "Let There Be Love". Thank you God. 

I can't get caught up in the mental ruminations about his beliefs ... I have been given a gift to see beyond those layers to my divine beloved - we are ONE in the LIGHT (and dark). I realized yesterday that we both were given that "soul mate" level HGU experience earlier this decade and both of us experienced mission failure and both of us experienced the metatronic reversal pit of doom. We then both had alchemical relationships that were designed to provide space for healing. Just now I wondered if maybe that's what I am too. I need to find more love. I need to stay connected to the Source. Right now I'm in fear.... this thing with Moses. I need to just entrust his spirit to God and know that he is working his piece and I am working mine. We love each other super duper much and I ask God and our teams to please provide healing, peace, direction, clarity, and help me to find and hold neutral IN LOVE. 

Page has kindly offered to work on her day off - to meet me to see what she can do to help him. (He's choking so badly - worse and worse.) Please heal our beloved friend, God. 10:33  

____

8:54 - Lots of numbers, always. 2:22 223.32 7:07 8:08 7:43 7:44 8:44 8:55 (and that's just a few that I remember. 

Thank you God for helping Moses. His x-ray showed that his neck looked okay on the inside, but his glands and throat were really swollen. Page gave him some steroids and antibiotics - he couldn't swallow the pill so she gave him a shot first and tomorrow we'll start the pills. He seems to be getting much better though. He has choked only once that I've seen tonight. 

I realized when driving to the vet/Raleigh that we are having something big happening on the throat-front. A couple nights ago I woke up with acid reflux and my whole throat was burning. I sat with it for an hour trying to help it and then sat up as I tried to sleep the rest of the night. The next day my throat was swollen and painful ... my chest. I thought it might have been related to activations. 

And Moses is my starseed companion and also working on similar things... I think he took some of this for me or he is working his piece as well. I listened to the OmniLov3 Shadow talk and tried to really feel into the fear. I recognized this was a timeline override and tried to feel into the energies that were coming up. It was so hard. I cried a lot. 

Definitely feeling relieved that he is doing better.

On Paul, it's hard. We aren't taking care of ourselves that well.... he's not. I'm not that well but not as bad as him. I can't compare. I can't keep a record of wrongs. I can't look at him at all. I have to focus on me. Even the Moses thing is tied to victim/victimizer and I see all the hooks trying to get me. 

I am going to "script", aka, see the reverse/positive.
Paul is taking such good care of me! (Actually, he really DID get a glass shard out of my finger with tweezers that was pretty impressive!) He is conscientious and a hard worker. He sees something that needs to get done and does it. He spends his time doing productive things. He is feeling into his heart. (We did have a rest/sound bath today that was nice.) 

Long story short, Paul is me. The me I was with Michael. Princess code. He let me take the garbage out. I have to ask him to do things - can you please help Michael move this? Can you please help Michael get our dog crate? Can you please... etc. He is happy to sit like a lump on his phone or tablet and then complains about feeling bad because he wishes more were done. 

I want to say I should have paid attention to the red flags. There are many. But the fact still remains that we have this undeniable soul connection. When we connect. That's the other thing. We're not always connected. Ah.... okay. Yes we are. His lower self and my lower self aren't... but our Higher Selves are and they want to help us to learn to love eachother well. To cross the Luciferian Abyss. 

Nothing good comes from looking at him or worrying about what he's doing. I'm responsible for ME. And look at the initiative I TOOK... I took the garbage out. I've helped Michael. I've cleaned and organized. I've done meditations and eaten my vegetables. Yes.

When I told Kirk about Moses and the vet (briefly), he said something like it sounded like I was on the verge of the White Cat or something. (26... divine feminine embodiment). Was very encouraging. I miss Kirk.

1/1/22 9:11