Not well

Saw 1:00 100% 2:22 3:33 12:34 13:12 or maybe it was 12:13.... 12:22 I believe too. 

Communication with Paul is a nightmare.

Dr. Puja was a miracle with Paul... he was so depleted and at the end of his health, it seems like. But a half hour in the hyperbaric chamber and he was puffed right back up to life! It was a miracle!!

I am feeling really discouraged with him though. He seems so so SO selfish ... everything is all about him and he just takes and takes ...and he does give too... but the exchange doesn't feel fair. He is happy to just rack money up on my card and not CAREful and not guarding us at all. Not responsible. That's it... not RESPONSIBLE... doesn't take responsibility for us. He plays his games and plays on his phone and wastes his time all day and gets himself all stressed out about it and he's doing NOTHING.

But I have to recognize myself in this too. I do the same thing, right? What do I have to do? Coffee enemas, baths, reading, meditation, a little work, take care of dogs, a few chores.... not much... and I'm the same. I just have different priorities. 

We are so similar. Too similar. Or maybe perfectly similar so I should have COMPASSION and KINDNESS. 

I get hurt and upset when I hear him talking about all the people he has had sex with... multiple people...20 hours in a row... a lot... it's just not my jam. This isn't my jam. I can't heal it. I hate it. Yesterday I used that stupid $225 vibrating toy until I was strung out and with no orgasm (because it is TOXIC)... this is NOT how my soul wants to let go or orgasm. The day before when we were just loving eachother...so in love... I almost came during that. Until I said "I'm going to come" and then lost it. 

I am in sympathetic dominance... I have said that how many times to him and he didn't even know it when I said it today...after his session with Dr. Puja where we saw HE was in awful stages of that same thing.... the end of himself.... and when I mentioned that I had said it a few times, he didn't remember... so all these days that I keep telling him that I'm drowning, I'm suffering, I need a rest, I'm not well... etc... Michael would hear it once and insist I rest and get better. Paul just doesn't even hear me or care. 

Why do I do this to myself? Impulsive decision indeed. It IS like Tyrone all over again and I'm falling into lunar and negative ego and falling apart. I'm also, I believe, empathing...feeling or taking on HIS distortions and weaknesses (and sympathetic dominance) and disconnections and reversals. Is it possible to cut him loose or are we tied together (and me tied to all the other people he's been with too)?? OH GOD!!!!!!!

This is the life I signed up for. LOTS OF MIASMA. And hardened miasma in Paul. He loves his Satanism.... but I have to realize how much he has changed...so quickly....he's used to only looking out for himself and he's looking out for all of us in a way. He may not recognize my sacrifices which I keep trying to tell him because I want to be applauded for it, but am I applauding his? No. I'm doing the same thing to him that he's doing to me. In that arena. 

There are so many problems and we have the worst communication. This is what that astrology app said would be our biggest area of opportunity/concern. 

Our relationship is not well. And well. Right now it's not. I'm very emotional - flip flop flip flop. 

I want to run away, no I want to commit, no I want to run away, no I want to commit. 

The truth is I haven't committed. I am looking for an out. I will have two jobs and he wants to live off the government... he applied for unemployment in Alaska... and he wants to do something where he doesn't have to work....or complicated stuff that will cause him to splat and not finish. But it's HIS LIFE. 

Why do I want to control it? If I had some security would I feel differently? Do I exist to sacrifice ... hand over... trade... my life for his?? I didn't think so. I thought it was about creating a UNITY field where we could create something TOGETHER. But we aren't on the same page. And it seems he, like most men, want others to take care of them. Most people? Maybe it's not a man thing, but it feels really reversed for a man since we grew up being trained that the man was the "head of the household" and provided for his family. Then we were trained to be men (as women) and it confused everything anyway....

I'm lost. I need to rest. I need to spend time with my community. I release Paul. (Wishful thinking. I haven't.)

It pisses me off that I have to work... I have to take care of the animals, I have to take care of myself, I have to take care of Paul, I have to take care of the house, and I have to do work. I also have friendships to attend to and my spiritual growth, and OUR spiritual housekeeping. He wouldn't even listen to a little bit of a podcast with me in the car on the way home. He started to but then he got involved with his phone and stopped listening.... didn't listen much at all. I listen to all the sarcastic, satanic, CRAP he wants me to but he can't listen to a little bit of something which I let HIM pick which was about the HEART which is RELEVANT and he checked out. 

I AM in VICTIM-VICTIMIZER and does it feel good to my pain body? I guess. I HATE IT. And I HATE SO MUCH. I'm angry, mad, bitter...all the things...