Dear Paul

Dear Paul,

This relationship isn’t working for me. 

I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to do nothing. Clinging to the mantra my soul gave me: Do Me, Let Paul BE.

I yearn to patiently sink into the present moment in a state of neutrality with no attachment to outcome. I keep falling back into my ego. Every minute. And I am in a battle with myself to LET GO and LET GOD. (Let everything unfold as it is meant to… without pushing or pulling.)

But am I supposed to DO anything? 

Am I supposed to take action or responsibility?

Communication … with words or without, can we help communicating? 

I miss my friend - you were my friend when we talked on the phone - we talked about “real” things. I know we have to talk about day-to-day…and that’s great if you are interested in my opinion, but you aren’t because you feel criticized… you don’t ask for my opinion and I want to share and connect so I give it and I shouldn’t. I need to “speak when spoken to”. 

This is why I think I can’t be in this relationship. I don’t know HOW to. 

I want to “run away”. But I also daydream about maybe just being friends. Maybe we just should have been friends from the getgo. But how much of this is spiritual attack? I’m confused because I know that  we were brought together for a reason - it was powerful and divinely led and that is right up my alley. 

You feel like my soul mate and sometimes we connect so beautifully… so deeply. But it’s getting less and less. Fewer and far between. 

I expect to live in this spiritual high always… I have to just allow others to let down. They can’t live like this. I I I I I I… I’m sick of I.

Let I go.

Crying is good.

Anger is good.

Feeling is good. 

Abondonment. 

It’s like “tolerance withdrawal”… this is “abandonment while still together”. 

I can’t meet your needs.

I don’t want you to lie. I know you aren’t attracted to me. And I am not meant to be attractive to anyone who isn’t my divine partner. I see my pheromones rejecting you too…. or putting off the scent that deters the vampires. Is that to deter you or deter the spirits? 

I miss Michael. He genuinely loved me and genuinely cared about me and I took his love for granted. He is not my divine counterpart, my soul’s mate, my monadic partner. I thought you were. But maybe I was just a vessel to help you … it was time for your next chapter to begin… you needed to get out of Alaska and you wanted a new life for Manson… I was a part of your timeline shift. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe the rest of it was projection from my beliefs… 

Don’t doubt. 

I know that I was and still am connected to a deeper part of you. And I need to bear with the 3D part. Just as you bear with my 3D parts.

I want my Mom.

Not really.

Holy Mother, yes. Holy Father, yes. I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM.

Do I throw out the baby with the bathwater? 

Do I take action to drain the bathwater while holding the baby?

Do I wait for a holy parent to drain the bathwater?

Stop trying.

Stop lying.

JUST BE.

2:02 - note, I didn't send or share this with Paul... glad I wrote it to me. I am seeping. 

An hour or so ago he was sitting on the couch looking at photos of women. Possibly to get him excited in order to have sex with me. He seemed to be interested in it 20 minutes prior as we were listening to a Ram Dass talk. I just sat and seeped (cried) and listened to Ram Dass speak about love and truth and tried to just be present with Paul and what was. It was lovely. In the sun. But... as I was taking care of chicken waters and talking to dogs I was in and out of the house and I could see him hiding his phone... pretending not to... I see these games and then he energetically sees me see him and hides more. And I shouldn't be triggering him to hide. I want him to come to the LIGHT.
DEREK OR (Way of Light)

2:22