How are you? Horrible.

Rosemary asked me how I was... my answer: Horrible. This is the "new normal".

I emailed this to myself: 

My pain body is very active right now

I’m not happy

He does not have my best interests at heart because he only cares about himself
He calls other girls crazy but he is aloof, shut down, dishonest, a sexual predator mentality, selfish, this Only out for himself mentality is programmed by satanism 

But it is my job to hold a field of love. I can’t. My pain body is active. This must mean his is too. I’ve taken on his miasma. I can’t clear it. It’s too dense and stuck. 

I need a break 
Breathe
This is my break
Do me let Paul BE.

1:17 - my pain body is active. I've got the Lunar Woman suit on. I'm steeped in Satanism. I'm bitter. Resentful. Is that the same? Yesterday I took in what feels like Paul's energy... we were... he was... and asking me to... look at pictures from his past (he often does that. I called it narcissistic, but it feels like a way he is examining his life... like my journaling... it's part of the documentation process. I think we both do have that narcissism thing going on because of programming and/or nephilim or annunaki influence...but there's more to this... his photo thing... 

So it kicked up a bunch of dust.... energetic dust. When I looked at him, he looked ashen even. A darkness or shadow over his aura.... that was after I had cried some of it off of myself. But I felt it with him... I don't know if he felt it, but I think this is what has him ensnared... he doesn't know how to deal with all those emotions and frankly may not even feel them anymore. It just drives him further down into himself. Why have I been assigned to this? This is what I had to do/feel on October 31 last year too with him... it's like taking a piece of his pain and transmuting it for him. It's very hard. 
Very hard.

So I felt it... the emotional snarl came on ... like I get before my period sometimes... and it was big wave... very strong... I went in the bedroom away from him and cried...but it took hours to dissipate until I was asleep. It triggers my pain body too... and I want to be held and then that wanting/needing of something...is that lust? That creates vampiric suction and causes him to pull away and triggers HIS pain body and then a wall. 

I had to overcome my pain body (a piece... a tiny piece) by still holding him even though I wanted to be held.... that turning around to cling to him (even without my whole heart) was very hard. Very hard. 

This morning I woke up and heard "heal yourself through him"...like through loving him.  Overcoming my SELF... it was the same thing... hold him even though I wanted to be held. Now I see that HE NEEDED TO BE HELD so I have to feel what I want and give it to him. In a way. There are many layers to this. I'm streaming pain and tears as I write. 

13:31 - Melanie's Mateo got bit ... she's having to witness his pain and trauma response. God, Carissa, SEE. This is what you are supposed to do for Paul too. Put pillows around him and love him and try to make him comfortable. 

___

1:48 13:33/22

Note these powerful and aligned AG picks I got today: 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Cosmic_Cube_Matrix 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Lunar_Female_Distortions#/random 

___

Really good talk with /rosemary who spoke truth to me. She was worried about me - is worried... my biggest takeaways were that I may need to shield and command space 10 times a day or more! Do what I need to do. And take care of myself...stay connected to Source! I've got to take care of myself. Eat well. Get sunshine. Spend time in nature. Stay close to ES and OL. Keep my processing channels open. 

And STOP RESISTING PAUL's expression. I can't even resist the Satanism. This is what his soul came to experience... it's actually MY RESISTANCE that is causing me pain. Let him do him. That's back to that, right? Do ME and let Paul BE. I just need to love him. And our loving eachother will help us to create the structure we are meant to create to help transit these things... I've been a kindergarden transiter but maybe we are being called to transit bigger things. That Chort and Bies thing in 6D  was just a tiny snapshot of what we COULD do and maybe what we are called to do if we both follow our path.

But LOVE, not resistance. Not judgement. Just LOVE.

And if I'm not feeling good. Take care of myself. If I don't want to be around the loud music or energy, then take myself out of the situation. My 10D/ear feels clogged again. Attacks on 10D to keep me from holding the sophianic frequencies needed to support the healing of my beloved 9D. So we can merge and heal and flow Aurora healing in 11 and 12. 

Last night I pulled "Alpha Omega Clearing" and listened to it twice.