Resentment and miracles

Whoo. Thank you God. This article by Dr. Wilson (given today through his newsletter) was so timely:
https://www.drlwilson.com/Articles/RESENTMENT.htm

I was definitely feeling this this morning. Just feeling it ... not sure where it came from. Just needing to watch. All these emotions just need to be watched. Very interesting things, these emotions. 

Maybe ask questions. I was feeling resentful that Paul was walking ahead of us kind of ignoring us on our family walk. I was feeling resentful that he hasn't publicly shared our relationship. (I know he appreciates the attention and conversation with other women and that would be a buzz kill, I guess. This is bitterness talking but also truth. That quote yesterday or the day before was also so important and rings in my head because I'm sure that I am allowing doubt to poison our...my... love. 

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." ~Buddha 

This is it.

So resentment causes doubt causes the disintegration of the gift of our love. It's all rooted in ego and fear. 

Paul has to go through his process. This is MY process... look at jealousy, doubt, bitterness, resentment, frustration, anger... look at it. What does it do to your mind and body and being? Do you feel light and joyful and happy? 

I saw 10:01 (and 8:24 and 9:24).... MIRROR and HGU. It's 10:26 now, divine feminine. I saw how I was the one walking ahead of Michael just in my own world... I did that to him. I wasn't conscienscious of his feelings ... I didn't ask about him. I didn't clean up after myself. Poor Michael. So see this. Recognize it. Maybe even apologize. 

Paul is a mirror. And what do we do with a mirror? "I accept myself in this moment, just the way I am."

So last night was incredible!! As I was journaling here, I started listening to music and then I went to the forum and I was kind of switching between music, crying, dancing, and reading on the forum and I was brought to this crescendo of emotion... feeling deeply and also relating it to lunar mother and false parent (a tinge). Mostly I didn't know exactly what I was feeling through, only that I needed to feel it. 

I sat at my desk and was sobbing and reading and listening and it was so incredible and then I noticed that Paul was out of the bathroom (where he had been showering) so I went to look for him and couldn't find him. I looked everywhere ... outside even. Eventually I called him and found that he was in the dark in a corner by the washer on the floor sobbing. It was so beautiful! 

He had a breakthrough understanding about his Dad and smoking being a way to stay connected to him and there was a song that came up that his Dad always listened to. Oh, and that he hadn't said goodbye to his Dad....it was so great this work he had been doing. (Side note miracle, when we looked up the song, the song on the other side of the record was called "Say Goodbye"! I pointed it out to him but in hindsight, right now, I'm realizing that I shouldn't have. I should have held it in consciousness and allowed him to figure it out for himself in his own time.)

https://www.discogs.com/release/8376942-Fred-Armand-Im-A-Roughneck-Now-Say-Goodbye

Anyway, it was a miracle... we were feeling through all that together. My tears and emotion and dancing was helping birth that for Paul. Our connection is so deep and profound.  

But there are these other levels that I need to be patient with - healing in myself and in him - that need to be okay. I can't have it all right now. ALL. NOW. Impatience. Instant gratification. 

We came to do this work. I came to love Paul. To heal him in love. And to be healed in love. And we just need to cling to one another...warts and all. Cigarettes and all. Other women and all. Porn mind and all. Satanism and all. ARGH!

LOVE.