Brain dump

11:42pm 1/29/22

Let's dump our brain or our beating heart... it's hurting...it's confused. It feels rejected. It doesn't know what it did wrong. It put on that lingerie that Paul suggested putting on and it put on perfume and brushed hair and sexualish music ... it tried to be attractive even though it didn't feel attractive. It danced a little because Paul asked me to.... and he never madea move for her. He went under the covers and just left her there in the cold and she feels so unloved and confused. She doesn't know what she did wrong.
She feels wrong. She is wrong because she cares too much in the flesh... the ego... the negative ego is here so strong and needs to be put away. She hurgs. Her poor heart. There was such big beating in her heart. The tears flow now. She just wants to connect to her beloved. Today she felt the left ring finger tingling a lot today... knowing there is something 7D working through. She tries too hard and not enough. So here we are now... just dump it out, Feel it out. Know you are loved dear one. I LOVE YOU. I AM ENOUGH. 

I've got to know the truth. I do want higher consciousness. I don't want drugs. I do want truth. I don't want anything that isn't aligned with my highest plan and possibility. I AM. I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM... thinking about, worrying about, caring about, putting my heart into another in the hopes that his love will help me love myself more is a LIE. No bueno. We will love ourself. It's between ME and me. Remember. Don't give up. Don't give up. Breathe.

Talking about drugs... dang drugs. We are just so different. He wants to use substances including drugs (he especially loves pot but he loves caffeine and other drugs that make him feel up especially because he's burned himself out really). It's up to him to choose the ascending path or not. It's up to him. I can't help him and I have to stop trying. I vow to stop trying to impose my beliefs upon him but it's just so fun to talk about beliefs and when I do, I talk in a way that is trying to convince others to believe what I say. 

He likes dominance and sexual perversion (hurting women) and drugs and laziness and distraction and screens and talks a good game but at 48 he's not embodying it a lot. I've backslidden. I was doing better with Michael - moving more toward what I feel I want - freedom from the tricks of the controllers.... the slight of hand of government, media, medical, etc. programs. I'm glad I cried. I needed to cry. I need to go to bed now. 

How could he just ignore me like that after I did all that - put on all the stupid clothes and music and danced and he wouldn't even touch me. After about an hour or two I took the stupid clothes off because they are made of polyester. He doesn't tell the truth. "What did I do wrong?" "What?" That's what he says. He won't even be honest. He doesn't connect with me unless he's doing drugs - sananga helps. That's what started the discussion... it helps him connect to me and recognize our love... but how can I encourage a substance use. It's selfish of me to want him to take it because I want him to love me, but I know it's not good for him.... substances used in order to elicit a response is anti-christ.

Satanism...blood sacrifice...eating people's hearts... he said "how do you know that's bad"? Do you have personal experience? I said YES. I do. Which I do from past lives or ancestral connections - Cahokia Mounds was a profound experience and connection to that.... but he doesn't see that. This is what I ask God to show me... I want God to show me.... if Paul isn't my highest and best mission/responsibility, then I don't want it. It's like Theresa said when I was marrying Tyrone "but Carissa, is it your BEST choice/path"? (or something like that). I believed it was my only option.... following God's prompting in my life. 

This is a round two... the question is, is the lesson to SEE CLEARLY the red flags and RUN or to learn how to harness my negative ego from within the fire? I feel so much that Paul is a beloved brother that I have the opportunity to support as he heals himself ... but is that hero/savior? Definitely. But what about Tikkun Olam synchronicities? Hero-Savior too? Yes, in a way. But also we ARE mirrors.

He is fickle. He doesn't know what he feels. He ISN'T attracted to me anymore and we're like old married people. This isn't right is it? Thank you God for helping me... clearing this up. Please keep showing me. Please keep showing Paul. Please let him lead in the separation because I don't trust myself. 

My pain body is here now. But also my feelings are valid. Neglect and selfishness is valid. 

I love you Carissa. You are brave. Thank you for feeling into this. Thank you for talking with me about it. Paul is snoring in the other room and that's fine.... I want to punish him by going in the other room and sleeping alone but that is a game and negative ego. It feels like it will hurt so much to lay down next to him and just let him not touch me. That's what hurt so much. He turns away and makes space between us... it's his distance and coldness and aloofness and it hurts and tears us apart. We are supposed to CLING to one another, especially when we are hurting...but he takes himself away. 

I do that too. I did that too. It hurts so bad. So I just have to cling and that's it. 12:03 12:04