That's a reference to Nahko's song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygK_ZDcSB_0
But I awoke this morning with sadness and anger and frustration which I want to point at Paul but am being challenged to recognize is my own. I have to take responsibility for my own life... my own choices...even in choosing to merge my life with Paul, trading the perceived comfort of companionship (and on a high of the Messiah Complex, trying to save my heirogamic partner so we could ascend together).
The "he's taking advantage of me" refrain is going round and round... knowing I am in debt and have been since I met him, while he keeps getting freer and freer... he has had a move out of Alaska fully paid for, floated for months while he looked for a job and dreamed of being an author, paid for his health programs, supplements, services, and now bought him a car (on MY SINKING credit). And he just keeps taking and taking and wanting more and more and more.
And I'm mad about it. But I keep DOING IT. I keep going along with it. I keep trying to make him happy so that I can be happy.
I keep waiting for him to take RESPONSIBILITY. I keep asking him to.
He wanted a garden and we planted it but I've been responsible for watering it daily and he said I watered it too much and I am trying to do what's right. He had fun harvesting the first fruits but it's needed to be tended to for so long. I've been harvesting. And this week I mentioned it many times and he had time after the dog walk and I began harvesting thinking he would participate and NOTHING... I had to do it all. I've had to do it all.
I'VE HAD TO DO IT ALL!!!!
I've had to take care of the house (cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc.) and do my job, and try to get a head to prepare for another job, and take care of all the animals AND try to meet his sexual needs and try to be compassionate because he's always whining about something (his back hurting, wanting to do this or that - be an author, get ahead, etc).
He spends his time on youtube and instagram and playing brain games and YES, he spends time with me rarely, usually when we are spending money. But it mostly revolves around him. HIS desires. We have to watch TV every night when we eat dinner instead of talking to me. EVERY NIGHT.
So this is a lot of upset and blame but realize that I have participated. I have gone along with it.
How can I choose MY LIFE and MY CHOICES and get MYSELF OUT OF THIS DEBT?
I have to get another job. That's it. And get myself out and stay out. And do things that are aligned with ME.
ME and me... that's what this is about. LEARN. THIS IS A CANVAS TO LEARN. Thank you God!
___
How about my "suggested for today"? It is ON POINT. As was my "quote of the day" and "affirmation of the day"
"When the ego mind for whatever reason is able to tempt me out of love, to convince me that in that moment that person did not deserve love, for whatever reason I shut my heart, I manifest a world that is not loving that is not peaceful that is painful for me that is painful for others. That is the ego mind and that is called hell." ~Marianne Williamson
Suggested For Today
Taking Self Ownership
Reclaiming self-ownership and clearing negative ego fear programming is the most important thing you can do to help free yourself and make progress to express your true creativity and art inside your soul. It is through reclaiming our true heart based and empathic humanity, practicing unconditional love no matter what is thrown at us, that we can be free from the fear based programming and intimidation. When we are in the presence of a controller, manipulator or bully, being able to hold neutral observer awareness is very important.
*Find your spiritual lessons inside the obstacles. Where are you weak and what are your strengths? Look for the pieces you may have missed inside yourself, that which you need to get stronger or change the way you have been doing things. The game has changed on earth and we must change with it. Every weakness you have will be attacked and exploited, so take action to correct them. The answer to everything is higher consciousness and self-awareness.
*Command your personal space and claim your human right to co-exist on earth as a GSF being, while taking personal responsibility for self-ownership. Assert this every day and build this spiritual muscle.
*Kick the negative ego to the curb, discipline your mind to stay in observer while working to stay aligned with the resonant energies and feelings, rather than relying on the mental body constructs. Keep the mind quiet and calm.
*Replace the negative ego earth laws with the highest authority made in the Universal Laws, make the commitment to follow and express the Universal Law of One and Service to Others in your life every day.
*Commit to live peacefully and harmlessly, to remove all anger and violence inside your body and mind through self-love, self-respect and self-forgiveness. Pray or ask for help every day.
*Command all energies and implants that exist in your body that were placed there without your consent, to be governed by the Universal Laws of God. Take full ownership over your body, all things in your body and consciousness now belong to you completely. As the result, you will take responsibility for reprogramming them into states of harmony. State that all programs or technology inside your body are now aligned to the higher governance of your Avatar Christ or God self.
*Stop pushing to look externally for 3D ways to survive, and ask what you can do to go beyond the control matrix and serve your highest purposes. It is likely you will need to meditate more, get quiet more, and stop doing what you think you have to do, because it is highly likely that you are doing the wrong actions that will yield you nothing but frustration. The chaotic mind will not lead you, only the still heart will lead you.
*No matter what is happening in your life, you cannot deviate back to negative ego thinking, correct yourself and stay centered, neutral and calm as possible. Remember that is the weapon of the aliens, and the AI Mind control. Stay above it.
*Keep boundaries and try to stay away from unhealthy and toxic people, gather strength inside yourself. Make people earn your trust with trustworthy behavior. Don’t tolerate liars, manipulators and violent people.
More on Self Ownership
Self-ownership (or sovereignty of the individual, individual sovereignty or individual autonomy) is the concept of property in one's own person, expressed as the moral or natural right of a person to have bodily integrity, and to be the exclusive controller of her or his own life, as well as the body, mind, and spirit. The possibility of self-ownership has been destroyed for most people on the earth through the continual deception, Mind Control, Manipulation of Consent and NAA Archontic Deception Strategies that are broadcast to the masses in order to shape the anti-human culture.
Most of us reading this by now, realize that the people that are in control of the resources of this earth, are either not human, or are depraved humans that have sold out their soul, and taken the role as the personal pet to serve the Alien overlords for a pittance. We are being lied to in every way imaginable, and what we see in the mass media is what they want us to see. Stay neutral.
To be sovereign over one's self is to be free of the control or coercion of others, to truly have the freedom to direct one's own life through having Informed Consent about the many things that impact our bodies and consciousness. We extend that belief to include freedom over Self-Determination in the direction over one's consciousness which connects with the Soul, Spirit and higher intelligence spiritual bodies. Self-Sovereignty is inherently a human right given through Universal Laws, expressed through the Law of One. The teachings of the Law of One describe the spiritual laws that govern our spiritual evolution for each dimension. It is a single philosophical system of World Humanism, which merges cosmology, science, Human Rights and spiritualism.
To accept personal sovereignty or self-ownership, also means that person must accept Self-Responsibility. As you increase your use of free will choice and consent, you also increase the responsibility for your own actions and reactions.
Self-Responsibility is being able to own your own emotional conflicts without blame, guilt or projection upon another person, by making it their fault. Do not assume that you know anything about that person that can be judged for what you cannot see or really know, as you have not walked in their shoes.
When feeling upset, restore balance to your heart and aura, by lovingly holding your boundaries without violating others boundaries by expecting them to resolve your conflict.
Be willing and open to learn the lessons and find out what the real issue is, which most of the time is not what it appears to be. Going deeper and reflecting on forgiveness of yourself and others, allowing time to pass, helps to neutralize the conflict. Learning how to become responsible and accepting Self-Responsibility is a major step of productive Negative Ego clearing.
Special attention:
*Stop pushing to look externally for 3D ways to survive, and ask what you can do to go beyond the control matrix and serve your highest purposes. It is likely you will need to meditate more, get quiet more, and stop doing what you think you have to do, because it is highly likely that you are doing the wrong actions that will yield you nothing but frustration. The chaotic mind will not lead you, only the still heart will lead you.
and
Self-Responsibility is being able to own your own emotional conflicts without blame, guilt or projection upon another person, by making it their fault. Do not assume that you know anything about that person that can be judged for what you cannot see or really know, as you have not walked in their shoes.
When feeling upset, restore balance to your heart and aura, by lovingly holding your boundaries without violating others boundaries by expecting them to resolve your conflict.
Thank you God!
Also got 11:11, 11:44
This IS, indeed, a call to observe and take SELF-OWNERSHIP.
Had a good time feeling into these feelings today... by good time I mean I had some cries and some feelings of just trying to steer myself. I eventually communicated my concern over the credit card. We worked together on the budget which was good. And we had a "quickie" which was good. I feel united again with him and just need to keep doing what's right for me...
I was thinking I need to get a part-time job, but Paul's right... we need to invest in ourselves... and for me, what I'm seeing here about getting quiet, listening to my soul, and following that.... doing what is IN SERVICE to others. Make sure that my service to Ayla remains about being aligned and supporting her vision and nothing more, nothing EGO. This wants to come in... but just keep going into my heart and feeling for who I AM.
I'm not sure if the mineral balancing isn't aligned with my understanding or truth or service to humanity or if it is SO MUCH that I am being thwarted and distracted from accomplishing it? Feeling it's the latter.
More numbers... can't remember what they were now....
But I am needing to feel into my feelings again. Paul exploded and threw my phone against the wall. He didn't do what he said he would do. My focus is on him. Get it off. Focus on me. Self-Love.
I want to run away. I'm planning my escape. Tomorrow. Take my rocks and computers and dogs and silver and go. Where? To Florida or the mountains. Probably Florida. I'll have my own space there. And no cell phone tower.
Do I want to throw him and us away because of an emotional upsurge? Can I bear with him as he learns how to tap into his heart, how to see me, how to contribute, how to stop lying? Can I stop lying? Can I just be with what is? Can I let go and let God? Can I just let him and this energy and this attachment go? Can I just DO ME and LET PAUL BE?
That's the ticket. He isn't trustworthy. I'm not either. But I must learn to trust myself. I must learn to know and care for and hear myself. To take responsibility for myself. It would NOT be responsible to abandon my home and animals and life. I am being called to FEEL INTO ALL THIS. To allow the ambiguity and respond, if Paul ever comes to his senses, with love and compassion and not to hold it against him, not to withhold my love, knowing he is broken too.
Money shmoney. Debt shmet. Fuck it all. I am abundant.... I have all that I need. Right now I need this lesson... I need this rising debt so I can feel it and understand it and realize that it is a mirage. I AM abundant, I have all that I need. I AM. So walk it out. In LOVE. Somehow.
I love you, Cristy. I love you, Carissa. I know this is hard, but I AM HERE. Let's do the Higher Mind Meditation together. We got this. And YoQi. Take care of US... WE... that's my job. I can't change Paul and my pulling on him to do what I think he should do (keep his word, follow through, etc.) is just setting him up for resistance.
But I do need to be wise with myself... and putting my creations under his name so he can keep all the money when he hasn't proven himself trustworthy (and he has proven himself to be selfish and a user)... so it is UNWISE to do that. I need to start making WISE and LOVING decisions.
And maybe stop doing everything around here... I think I'll stop doing all the cleaning and cooking and animal care... I'll do what I feel to do, but I think I'll let him feel what happens when I stop and maybe he can help out too. I need to take responsibility for myself and stop trying to take responsibility for someone else. We are NOT "one flesh", we are NOT a committed couple. He could leave anytime. He already probably talks to other ladies. He doesn't want to commit energy to building a union - energetically connected sex or time spent. He wants to use me. See it. Ketera said to watch for the "red flags" and I saw them and knew them and wanted to trust God anyway. The biggest "red flag" is SATANISM which was my AG pick yesterday and definitely feels like Paul (and the world... including me) are plagued with this. https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Satanic_Ideology
I just need to come back to the message God and my Higher Self has been saying all year "DO ME AND LET PAUL BE".
"Doing me", means taking care of MY needs... setting up a job situation where I can provide for MYSELF. Strengthening my own inner union and getting to know who I AM and what I am here to do... how can I be aligned with my soul and my "mission" and be a force of love.
I'm squandering it by just trying to build it into Paul. I thought that by investing in him, I was investing in US which would eventually have more reach, but I forgot that I need to take care of ME first. If I don't, no one else will.
You're doing really good. This is a mixture of ego and emotionality and a little truth, but really you just need to get quiet, get with your soul, work on OUR (ME and me) relationship and growing MY health and well-being. And that's it. DO ME ... let Paul BE.
Meditate
Fuck the book and tee shirts
Focus on my healing business
Focus on healing my own health and consciousness
Love my family and friends but guard my heart too. For example, Le'Anna's vibe isn't the best for me right now... so just observe it and know it will shift. It's okay if this is a season to tuck into yourself.
2:24
3:11 3:22
Higher Mind Meditation
Miracle Abundance Meditation (Sue Morter and friend)
Poverty Consciousness - pointed out... should do that one.
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