Roody is dying

I'm being called to feel more feelings. 

Grateful for the "healing sounds" YoQi that we worked this afternoon. Lots of feelings stored in my organs and body and they need to be felt WITHOUT the "victim/victimizer" overlay.

I feel victimized because I MAKE myself that way... I am looking OUTSIDE of MYSELF for someone (Paul) to meet my needs. To be compassionate, to be kind, to help with Roody. Roody is dying.

Michael's had a fever the last 3 days. The first day he asked to go to Urgent Care, the second day, yesterday, we spent many stupid hours at the ER which was both useless and helpful (because he was shaking so badly it was so scary but I learned that is the way the body tries to release energy). 

My body is bravely working with that energy or virus or whatever it is but I feel pain.... my throat was hurting, my lower back, kidneys, are really struggling. Bladder. I did the "patting" YoQi this morning too which is helpful. 

But Roody is dying. He's now in the back bedroom. I was giving him some space. I was watching myself with all my "attachment"... holding him and wanting to be with him when he died and expectations and imposing my understanding and beliefs. Lots of personality overlays and applications to try to change the experience or insert myself in it in some way. 

I love Roody. We know. He's been my best Rooster buddy for 6 years and has changed me through his love and our relationship - well, my witness to his life experience. He was always first to come over and get treats... I mean... he was totally a HOG. 

I don't know what happened... yesterday morning he just wasn't well... he wasn't eating and he was obviously not feeling well. I've danced around him, given him Chicken RX, sang to him, meditated with him, done the "Safe Passage" meditation, (I pulled the Safe Passage for SRA'd children med last night), put crystals around him, put salves on him, tried to get Paul or Michael to put him out of his suffering... and that was really hard. Paul was just disengaged. I guess he didn't know how to handle it. Michael said he would handle it. 

But this was a lesson for me. I asked my pendulum if we should euthanize and it said no and I feel that is because I am trying to push MY suffering away... MY suffering of watching his suffering. But he maybe needs to go through his own process without my interference.

I resent Paul's lack of leadership and compassion. 

Prince attacked him and bloodied him. Poor Roody. I checked on him through the day but between 3:30-5 Prince must have gone after him because I found him in the "pool" (HVAC condenser water) hiding with a bloody head and comb. 

Prince is doing what he's supposed to... which actually, if he killed him, would be natural order and putting him out of his misery, but by my interference, maybe I extend his suffering.

He's breathing very shallowly. Yesterday he was gurgling. He's been weak and sick for months I thought but he seemed to perk up right after Poppy died. I thought maybe he killed Poppy to keep him off Rose... I don't know. There was no blood.

EVERYTHING comes down to this being a lesson FOR ME. To learn to care for myself, to stop looking outside myself to get my physical, mental, or emotional needs met. 

I fear going to Colorado because of the altitude. It's almost 7K where Elise lives. I think I'm supposed to go. I need to face my fear. If I die, I die. It is what it is. I AM. This is what I'm here, to face my fears! This is part of the shadow we are walking into. Am I willing to walk? 

Flu. Walk into it. God's will be done. Stop resisting. I am constantly resisting WHAT IS. BE HERE NOW. I AM.

Thank you God. 
Thank you for this lesson.
Thank you for Paul.
Thank you for Roody.
Thank you for all our beloveds and this opportunity.
6:48 ... I started around when I saw 6:33

Please comfort Rose. Please comfort Elise.