Law of Polarity

My AG pick is on point... as usual. Unfortunately I've dulled myself with poison (food... sugar...desserts) so I can't see clearly now but I feel it under the surface and remember how it impacted me before. 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Polarity

I have asked if Kiran will take me on as a therapy client. I need therapy.

Ryan did not go with me to Dallas.
I did not enjoy traveling with Jessica... life lesson = be careful who you travel with

Do I see how everything I do and say is set up to collect loosh to feed on? This is a monster inside of me. I am my own therapist if I will just remain open. Right now I am not being honest with myself... I am compromising. Fear of being without Ryan (and my love of him...my desire for him...the DRUG of him) keep me ensnared... holding on to a delusion. He doesn't love me. Or he doesn't know how perhaps. And I've lost my WAY and find myself back on this level of the bifurcation... a lower level... shrouded in lies. I need to be quiet. And stop trying to please Ryan or the world. Be kind, happy, at peace. Seek peace and nature...remember God... remember I AM god, sovereign, free.

Transmute - vulture
Transform - crow

Birdcall - a call back to our hearts - the cult (joke) I initiated in Waco, Texas on May 26, 2025. Birdcall is the name of a chicken restaurant and ordering app ... I realized/remembered that after I named my cult. Dang. 

Massage, self-care, facing fear, nature, camping ....  

Get in my chrysalis and disssssolve.....

____ 

I read the following on Facebook:

"Your partner is supposed to be your safe space... not another battle you have to gear up for. Life already throws enough at you....stress, pressure, disappointments, unexpected pain. The world will challenge you, your past might haunt you, your responsibilities will weigh you down... but *your person* should be the place you exhale. The place you go when everything feels heavy. Not the one adding more weight to your chest.

It’s not supposed to be war at home. It’s not supposed to be constant arguments, power struggles, emotional manipulation, silent treatments, or walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. That’s not love. That’s survival. That’s emotional warfare disguised as intimacy. And when love starts to feel like another battlefield, you don’t feel safe....you feel exhausted. And no matter how much you love someone, you can't thrive in a space where you're constantly being hurt, misunderstood, or disregarded.

Real love is shelter. It’s comfort. It’s being able to show up without having to put your armor on. It’s knowing that even on your worst days, you’ll be met with patience instead of punishment... understanding instead of judgment. A healthy partner is someone who makes you feel seen when the world overlooks you... who listens to understand, not just to respond. Someone who checks on your mind, your heart, your soul... not just your body.

You’re supposed to feel safe enough to be soft. To be vulnerable. To break down and be held without shame. To express your fears, your dreams, your doubts... without being dismissed or mocked. Your partner should be your peace, not your pressure. Your calm in the chaos. Your home, not your battleground.

And sure, no relationship is perfect. You’ll disagree, you’ll misunderstand each other sometimes, you’ll grow through uncomfortable phases. But love should never make you question your worth. It should never make you feel like you’re constantly fighting to be heard, respected, or simply *okay*.

So if you’re with someone who makes you feel unsafe emotionally, mentally, or spiritually... that’s not love. That’s trauma dressed up as connection. And you deserve more. You deserve to be with someone who makes love feel like a soft landing... not a hard fall. Someone who protects your heart, not pokes at your wounds. Someone who reminds you, in the way they love you daily, that love doesn’t have to hurt to be real.

Choose peace over chaos. Choose connection over confusion. Choose the kind of love that feels like rest... not war. Because your partner should never be another battle in your life. They should be the one helping you win the ones you already face."

That was powerful. And I DO think that the world and social media are perpetuating the divide...setting false expectations up for people... but I also think that Ryan's and my level of toxicity is beyond ...WELL BEYOND what is acceptable. 

Turns out HE'S the radical liar. Maybe we both are... in a state of confusion and gaslighting and manipulation and control. Communication, trust, and respect are all broken. 

I wrote him a goodbye note again. I am taking all the responsibility for being in the wrong - this is stupid, but I would rather do that and get out than try to argue my point or "get him to see". He won't see. He has to choose to see for himself and he can only see when I am not trying to get him to. 

O’Ryan! ❤️

I LOVE you…❤️ 

You are my Beloved…❤️

You are so beautiful…❤️

I LOVE YOU Ryan James Daniel Patrick Gregory Gibbons Like O’Malley…to the moon and back!! 🌘💫❤️

That’s why I have to let you go. My beingness harms you. 

We both need time to heal and learn/practice harmlessness.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me - you’ve given so much. 

You are so special; so talented and intelligent and funny and have a gorgeous heart. I wish I could be the one to help you feel safe enough to let down, but I am wounded and lost and trigger you away from your true character- your magnificent and noble heart. 

I hope you will continue to pursue peace and heal your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I love that guy and want to see him THRIVE. ✨

As for me, I need to get into a chrysalis and spit on myself and dissolve into a puddle of mush and wait for the magic to happen 🐛💕🦋…

And that's that. 
I need to be done once and for all.
Focus on my nest... my chrysalis. 
Ryan points the finger... "look at all the drama you've created"... and I answered him a bunch of times that I was doing this to HEAL. I told him I was going to get help, get therapy, and heal and he wants to make sure I have a healthy dose of shame to go with it. He just wants to tear me down. He doesn't love me. At the end of our phone call I said "I love you" and he said "yeah" and hung up. And that's that. No more contact for a while. 

He's jealous, controlling, manipulative, untrustworthy, and a liar. I have to let him go. No matter how much I love him, I have to let this influence, this poison, this ugly white man's violent energy go... because it triggers my protective instincts (thinking about the snake's response to the white man vs. the red man)..... 

God, please take the wheel.

Letter to Ryan

Quote of the day:

"Always let your conscience be your guide" - Jiminy Cricket

Response to your voice message this morning:

Perhaps what you're doing isn’t intentional… but you are wildly twisting the situation and creating a story that is FALSE. You are lying to yourself and making up a narrative that you’re telling to me to try to get me on board so you can continue the barrage of false accusations and I do not consent to your lies.

I have not had a clandestine relationship with my friend Ramsey. We talk about plants and about his life in Hawaii and about my life here. (I don’t talk much about you because it was a sensitive subject. You and I live on an emotional roller coaster and, #1, I did not want him to worry about me as he is prone to do, and #2, I didn't want to hear him telling me that you are not treating me right.) 

Ramsey and I had NO secret clandestine relationship!

What ACTUALLY happened is that I shared my heart with you about harboring a fantasy about him. Ramsey is kind and compassionate… he has attributes that I long for in a partner. So I had, if we want to call it this, "a cheating heart". Because I was looking at another man and envisioning another relationship... as I said, wondering if the grass was greener.

This situation put me out of alignment with myself and impacted my full commitment to you… wondering about something or someone different. These are the secret inner thoughts of my heart which I entrusted to you... something I believe is akin to sinning against you. A seed that if I continued to allow the roots to grow would ultimately strangle our relationship. And it was. Comparison and judgement isn't fair to you. 

But I do not accept you spinning it as though I had an affair or inappropriate relationship with Ramsey. I have a very pure relationship with him. A friendship that is True. We care about one another and each other’s lives and experiences. It’s not a close relationship anymore, like it was for a time… I have pulled back a lot, and obviously do not share the intimate details of my life with him (because YOU are the majority of my intimate details) and I do that out of respect for you… and a desire to share intimacy with you, not another man. So again, we keep it very surface.

Again I did not have an inappropriate or clandestine relationship with him. What I confessed to was a fantasy in my mind.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if you confess to the fantasies in your mind? But I’m not asking you to do that because that’s your work… if you desire to look at it. Your porn and your woman chasing online are ACTIONABLE steps that you took/take to cheat. You excuse your lusting after other women on the daily as something acceptable because you are a man and because you only stop to gawk in Walmart and/or only look at them through a screen. But you are creating fantasies, timelines, scenarios and envisioning yourself having sex with those people.

Long story short, I want to live in alignment with my soul, so I’m doing what I need to do for myself. I thought that sharing with you (and it was something that I had been thinking about sharing with you for a little while...  that night I was intentional about it and felt God gave me the time and opening to do so.) ... I did it in the hopes that it would put everything on the table so you could see my whole heart and give you every opportunity to make your decision if you want to continue to pursue a relationship with me.  

Again, this was a secret of my heart. The same way that when Ramsey and I sat on the couch at my house it felt like a secret of my heart that love was blooming in me… this became the “cheating heart“.

Nothing would have come of it if you did not call it out… he did not have any intentions with me other than friendship… I felt something bloom that I didn't know was there before and I've known Ramsey a long time… it was not something that I was even going to really look into. (Though if I had lured him into being my roommate, which was my angle, it might have developed more for me... as you know I long to live with my beloved and if I'm honest, which I am, I may have gone down that path of hoping for more with him.) (Since you and I were not together according to my understanding at the time... you continued to resist going further in a relationship with me... and the day before you took the label away altogether. We've spoken about this "misunderstanding" ad nauseum.) Anyway, that was all in MY mind and heart. It could have faded away like a cloud in the sky just as easily as it came except I chose to validate your experience and dig deep into the layers of my heart and see that, indeed, I had feelings blooming for Ramsey. It felt really nice in his presence. His interest in my thoughts, experience, heart, and feelings and his compassion felt really nice. It planted a seed that grew into a fantasy of a relationship with someone like him. Surely not him for a number of reasons... he's not an animal guy... he's much younger and much cooler ...and the main one:

He lives in Hawaii.

I fantasize about being treated well… spoken to with kindness and grace. I have gone along with your very dramatic "cheating heart" mentality because I want to take it seriously and I want to put the cabash on it so that I eliminate anything (on my side) that could be getting in the way of a full commitment. I want to be honest and plunge the depths of my heart for the truth and I want to be pure and right and aligned with my soul. My soul loves you and wants to be in a relationship with the truth of who you Are...and I was willing to hang on as you continued to peel back the layers of your own heart and soul. I have been wounded in the process but I am strong and resilient. And I have tried to do what is right by being honest about the innermost thoughts of my heart. I know it is harmful to our relationship and not fair to you for me to fantasize about another life or another man. That’s why I told you. But again, that is a fantasy in my mind.... the likes of which you have (multiple fantasies) every night as you jerk off while imagining intimacy with another woman. Not to compare, but what's worse?

I'm sorry it hurts you... I know it does and I don’t want to hurt you and that’s why I’m trying to be honest. But you’re spinning it as though I am cheating on you and that is absolutely inappropriate and not true.

As far as last night's communication, you were over the top and out of line in the way you spoke to me last night. If you think that you spoke to me appropriately, you better think again. I insist that if we’re going to “argue" or if you have some sort of feedback for me, I want you to record it so you can hear yourself ...and imagine how it might feel to be on the other side of that vitriol that comes out of your face. I can’t recount it to you because I do not want to hold onto the ugliness that comes out of you. But you were swearing at me and calling me names again and that’s not OK to me. It doesn’t make me want to engage with you or resolve anything with you. It just makes me see how stupid and naive I am... INSANE. Experiencing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results. It's ridiculous to believe that somebody who says that they love me would talk to me in the way that you do. It’s not OK.

So here we are, in the muck of drama once again. I know neither of us want this ugliness on the surface... perhaps one or both of us want it subconsciously... perhaps one or both of us are sabotaging the potential beauty we could share in an all-out committed full enveloped in love relationship...

But we aren't there. We aren't "all in". You aren't even half-in. 

I am going to leave it here. If you want to go to Dallas and Georgia with me - if you want to be a part of my family, you are invited. I ask that you be respectful and not smoke around my family, especially the children. But that's all I'm asking. If that puts you off and/or if you aren't ready for this level of relationship - travel and family, etc.... then that's your choice and I accept it. But this is the litmus test to me to see where you're at...what you want.... where your priorities and commitments lay. 

Take care of yourself - be safe and healthy. 
I love you Ryan. 

Good advice & the challenge

My quote of the day:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~Buddha 

AG pick that is more along the same inquiry as yesterday.... related to that YouTube I saw... and wondering how it effects me and my life....

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Curses,_hexes,_symbols

___

I also want to note that Ryan has agreed to a challenge where if I lose "20 pounds" (I put it in quotations because he is actually requiring me to lose more than 20... 20 would be around 165, but he requires me to be in the 150's), then he will quit smoking.

So we can help one another.

I want to be healthy and in the 150's and I really want him to quit smoking. It will be hard with the food date we have coming up... weekend food fest in Dallas/Fort Worth..... but I can start fresh... probably after my family vaca... or right now. Don't eat the pretzel. But I want to. But see how sticky that is? Eat the steak...the steak won't require you eat more sugar or carbs...it will satiate you and give you your mind back and sanity and peace... you'll feel so much better if you eat the steak and worse if you eat the pretzel. Maybe. Maybe the pretzel isn't bad. It doesn't have any sugar and just a few clean ingredients.... but you are lying to yourself because you know what carbs do to you...they turn into sugar and you don't want to stop eating them. They are MONSTERS...they control you...take you over and inflame your body, mind, and spirit. You want to live in alignment with your self, with your truth, with God. So be real...don't lie to yourself any more. If you want to eat it, you want to eat it...don't trick yourself and see how you just gave yourself permission to sin against yourself. You need to cry. And hammock time and doggie time and to be with God. Not the pretzel. I love you. If that's true, LIVE IT. SHOW IT. Care for my body and being. Massage and love and care..... do THAT. 

Maybe Goldsboro for reflexology and brow love tomorrow? Half day at work and do that? That sounds smart. 

"The Love that you withhold is the pain that you carry - from lifetime to lifetime..." ~the Andromedans to Alex Collier

Awwww. So good... and I felt that quote from a different level today... not just the "I'm bad and withholding love from my crunchy version of myself" but also how I hold myself back from feeling abundant love and being bold and unabashedly loving all beings in all situations! 

And this is an important reminder too!!

But today I am blinded and damaged and injured by my own poor behavior - eating poison. I am no longer sober and clear... I'm inflated... inflammation taking over my body and being trying to crowd my sense out.

And feeling such love for Ryan... feeling and committing to wanting to do what it takes...wait with patience and grace and focus on my own work in the meantime. But can I be friends with Ramsey and share my heart with another man ... and potentially get my needs met from another man? That is tricky. I should talk to Ryan about that. He'd say "hell no"... but if he doesn't want to meet them and we CAN'T meet our partner's EVERY need.... we have to spread the love and responsibility among family and friends.... no one person can do it all. But intimacy with another man can lead to cheating and cheating hearts and if I'm honest which I want to be from now on fully and completely, I have a cheating heart with Ramsey still. Fantasizing and hoping that if Ryan doesn't want me, that Ramsey one day will return and we will live happily ever after. I wish Ryan would just choose me, but that's putting the responsibility of my cheating on Ryan...because HE'S not doing what I WANT (need?), then I need to source my "needs" elsewhere... create an alternative narrative. Whereas if I could just STAY WITH my desires for/from him and recognize they are projections of desires I want from MYSELF, then I could really move the needle.

So do I cut off Ramsey to do this work and risk hurting an innocent bystander? Do I put all my eggs in the basket with Ryan who doesn't seem to even want one egg, let alone all of them? Ramsey lives safely in Hawaii and it is unreasonable and silly to create a fantasy around him anyway, which seems safe to me in a way, but it keeps me ungrounded and unwell. And probably energetically (and in "real life") messes with poor Ramsey's feelings too!

I need to be my first (and only?...no... you should love BIG and WIDE) love. 
Take my claws out of ....everyone. Ryan. Ramsey. Hope for a partner. 
Go inward. Feel life.

Ryan doesn't want to go to Dallas. Let him off the hook. We can go another time. 

I don't really feel that. I feel both. I just started a message to him to tell him he's off the hook and I put in all these guilt trips. How can I practice not trying to GET MY WAY? 

LET GO AND LET GOD. EXODUS 14:14

It's time.

____

AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sleeper

Hmmmm. I think this is an answer to explain what I watched this afternoon that was very disturbing...but I think this AG pick is teaching/showing me that this is what happened to this girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW-L1W7Kmmc

Lincoln

Seems like Abe Lincoln is "up" for me. I need to watch the movie... and today's quote is

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." ~Abraham Lincoln 

AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Wounds_of_Christ

I want to be more authentic. I want to be who I AM. I don't want to hide. I want to explore my consciousness. I don't want to keep myself small or self-sabotage by choosing a path or partner or job that keeps me in poverty consciousness. Life is short - enJOY it! Ryan isn't there. He is limiting me because I a am letting him. Go, have fun! Meet people! Play! Create a beautiful life! 

"The Wounds of Christ are karmic blood miasms in the planetary body and human bodies manifested into genetic distortions as a result of embedded crucifixion inserts that were placed in the planetary brain and collective human race body. "

Listening to Gay Hendricks' "The Big Leap" about self-sabotage and limiting beliefs and I am getting the message that these are the crucifixion implants or a part of them...the fruit of them...that keeps us stuck and spinning. 

It's time

I love you Ryan.
I have made myself small in order to fit the desires of your small mind and life. 

I am chasing authenticity - I want to be unabashedly me. I don't want to have to apologize for being vibrant or trying on different spiritualities or being too much....

I AM
And I have believed the lie that I need to be small and that people need to like me or approve of me or that I have to do this or that .... no. I have to learn to listen to my own heart and follow it. Ryan doesn't want the same things I do.... I want to LIVE... to love and feel and explore and make love and play and taste and learn and do all the things.... but I'm dulling myself and making myself sick. This is not acceptable. I have closed myself off to family and friends. I have shut my heart and mouth and don't share my thoughts .... not with Ryan because it will trigger him and then we'll have unpleasantness and not with others because I want them to like Ryan too.

We have beautiful moments but the toxicity and abuse slashes them and erases their memories. 

Thank you God for the amazing podcasts which Rosemary sent me.... Cosmic Matrix or something... one about organic vs. inorganic humans and everything I'm reading is showing me that Ryan and I are on different timelines. This is why we don't understand each other. This is why we have to yell to get across the chasm. I came to build a bridge... 

And one on authenticity and I realize that I suppress my authenticity in order to be a people pleaser in some circumstances... not as much as I used to, but definitely with Ryan. And it's no bueno.

I am my own person - he doesn't even want to live with me, he's not sure he wants to be with me, so why am I giving up my other friendships for this person...for the HOPE of this controlling person? He's jealous and he should be. He's not nice.... or he isn't allowing that spirit to embody him. He's embodied and a portal for a ton of entities and he isn't open to the pursuit of God or help in any way other than his own mind. God bless him and help him. Guidance teams, please help his teams to help him. I pray for his happiness... that he will choose the light. 

And I pray for any lingering darkness and crossspirals and damaged architecture in me to be repaired. 

I need to tell him that I am done. I know he will hurt and he will shut me out. And that will hurt me and I'm scared of it but I need not be. It's what needs to be done. If he wants to take my gate controllers, let him. It gives him a feeling of security....let him have that. Let him have everything he wants and needs. I love him but I want more. And it starts with loving myself and BEING myself. Enjoy this time of reclamation, sweet girl! I love you! He will take away all of it...but let him. Let them. 

Be in LOVE. Cry. Feel it. And find your own strength and truth. Come back to the truth.... you are magnificent and I love you!!!!

_____ 

Note, I didn't send that or anything... but we had many interactions and yesterday, 5/16, I did it... pulled the plug. (There was a terrible conversation the night before where I was close and he was helping me to do the deed - to break up with him - but I couldn't do it. But yesterday I finally did. Pulled over in the county car on the side of the road in Clayton and wrote a note about it being time.)

My message:

“ It’s time. I know it is in my best interest to be single right now. I love you but we are harming each other instead of building one another up. We are stuck in selfish patterns instead of unity. I know we BOTH tried and I’ll always be grateful for all we learned and shared. I pray that we have planted seeds of love that ultimately grow, heal, and nourish our beings and lives. I pray for peace, happiness, and abundance for you beloved Ryan. I will miss you. I hope you will change your mind about us being friends. (And that in the context of friendship we might be able to practice kindness and respect.) But I honor your process and needs. I hope you find a woman who satisfies you and brings joy and meaning to your life. I love you. I’m sorry.”

I know it’s bad to break up by telegram/text but we had had extensive conversations in person and on the phone and we both know it's the right thing to do. He just really needed ME to do it and I really needed ME to do it...my soul needed that and his soul helped me. We love each other deeply and want the best for one another at the deepest level. And he was holding me back and he knew it and he doesn't want to go forward and my home DOES have soul but I need to sew more love into it. And I will. Thank you God.

Dark Force Manipulation Methods

My AG pick today is on point, as always:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dark_Force_Manipulation_Methods

I sense this is calling me out on my own dark force manipulation methods but as I kept reading, I recognize sweet Ryan too.

"Characteristic of an unstable person - rapidly changing moods. Because of their insecurity, they seek to rapidly control their environment to fit into their situation and belief system, often having chaotic relationship with people around them, going from one emotional crisis to another, often showing dependency. They may have addictions and separation anxiety as well as issues with their own image, along with feelings of emptiness and sadness. They have dominating ego and if they cannot control the situation they go into a temper tantrum or they get mad, at this point the person is extremely vulnerable to dark possession or Mind Control. Many of these negative behaviors are spiritually abusive and called Archontic Deception Behaviors."

That reminds me of Ryan, but I know I am using manipulation to get my needs met too... and it needs to stop.

"If we persist in needing to use control or manipulation methods in our daily life, we will experience the Cause and Effect Backlash, or the karmic return of mental bondage to the old destructive patterns of egoic behavior. This is confusing for many people on the earth receiving the Cause and Effect backlash now, because they are being returned to the energy that they have repeatedly created with their false identity, in the planetary field. The more a person has deliberately deceived others, the more energies of self-deception and confusion they will face in the external."

I need to get honest and probably need to let Ryan go unless/until he is ready to address his energy field and he won't do that for me... he needs to do it for himself, but he is so stuck in his ego and mind that seems impossible. But can I be a bottisatva and remain in this challenging situation in hopes to continue to grow and heal my soul and hold space for Ryan to do the same for his? Or am I exposing myself to dangerous negative energies that are not helpful in our pursuit of healing?

"In Victim-Victimizer or VV programming, the unfortunate result is that unstable people who have not done much mental or emotional clearing and have built up hidden pain and trauma, are easily controlled and manipulated by dark forces to play out their fears in the 2D or lower mind. These kinds of people go unconscious and flip out very easily, are very weak spiritually, have low Impulse Control and are at high risk for dark portal use or Possession. The NAA and dark forces will groom and manipulate these unstable people to attack you directly. We all must be aware of this and take steps to defend ourselves by not allowing these kinds of people to get too close to us or into our home (when possible)."

"So it is good to remember these unstable, confused and weak people are used as pawns in the larger war game, and most of the time it is not the person consciously understanding what they are doing, but these forces manipulating the person to act out bizarre and even insane behaviors."

_____ 

Quote of the day:

"The Arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice. And at this time of great energetic change, the end of a vibrational age, that Arc is becoming shorter by the hour." ~Martin Luther King

Kabbalah - Tree of Life

Weird... I got this AG pick today:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Kabbalah_Tree_of_Life

And last night I got Malchuth which is the 10th sphere of the Kabbalah Tree of Life. 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Malchuth

Pay attention.

"The nodes are usually represented as spheres called Sephiroth and the lines are usually represented as paths. The nodes usually represent encompassing aspects of existence, God, or the human psyche.The lines usually represent the relationship between the concepts ascribed to the spheres or a symbolic description of the requirements to go from one sphere to another."

"I am the earth and the earth is me."
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6uyCRaV0ui4&si=DF3SNXbzgXGd0fID

This Kabbalah is cluing and reminding me that my work is to correct the fallen tree, the metatronic reversals and to heal my energetic architecture. ("We are healing"... this is the song cooing in my ear as I type... this is the one that I copied above.
"We are healing with the earth" 
Thank you God.)

So we are healing ourselves and the earth. Thank you God for showing and reminding me. This is what it's all about. Do I need to help my liver. You can support it. You don't need coffee enemas, but you need energy and love.. intention, my Love. 

It won't hurt but it won't help but I feel that you want to show some love to your body. A massage?

___ 

I need to let things go. 
Stop holding so tightly to everything. 

Let the bed go. Let Daytona go. And probably let Ryan go. I'm tired. 
I've got to take care of myself and my family and home.
And move. Probably need to move.

___

Looked at properties in the mountains. So expensive and I don't want to be alone.

___

Let's try another "pros and cons" of living together. Ryan will do his list and we'll discuss today.

I'm trying to do "cons" first... usually I do "pros" first. 

Cons:
Have to think about another person's preferences 
Have to trust another person with my animals - that they won't accidentally let them out, etc.
other person's moods and energy effect mine and our living space
other person's activities...especially loud TV watching and wifi effect my living space
other person's habits - sleeping in, requiring quiet (and walking on eggshells because they are grumpy i the morning) for half the day on weekends - effect my freedom. Maybe I need someone more aligned with my habits and circadian rhythm
Close proximity might mean more fights
Moodswings - he blows up and it's usually "my fault" as I say or do something wrong or rude, but I don't want to walk or live on eggshells
Ryan, in particular, doesn't care for watching things together that I might like to watch - rom coms or reality tv... he'd watch some documentaries though - he likes them usually. But he really likes adult cartoons and sports.


Pros:
Someone to share life with - the ups and downs and ins and outs
Someone to play, rest, dream, and work with
Someone to dote on, to spoil, to please, to laugh and share experiences with. 
I won't be alone when I'm afraid - storms, noises, emergencies, etc.
Help with the animals
Help with the housework and projects
Help with the finances
Inspiration to soften and learn how to be feminine and to open up more sexually

I love when Ryan's in a good place and when we can talk openly about our thoughts, feelings, ponderings, etc. 

I love how good it feels to be submissive and when Ryan takes charge with compassion and kindness, looking out for my needs and appreciating my efforts. I can think of some beautiful times when he has done that when I am pleasuring him.

I don't like feeling controlled and like I can't make my own decisions about who I talk to because it threatens Ryan. Examples = Ramsey and Paul...and he mocks and doesn't like my other friends like Jannelle and Le'Anna, though he sees their value to me. 

I don't like that Ryan thinks I'm "crazy"...though I might be... I am open to God's whispers and want to embody the spirit of Christ. 

I love that Ryan is curious and open to learning new things. Not from me usually, but that's natural, I guess. But the result of his pursuit of truth and understanding is growth. Maybe not on my time or what I want him to learn, but he is becoming wiser by the day. In fact, when I try to show him something, it has the opposite effect and creates resistance. 

Ryan isn't naturally driven to want to take care of me...to have his own woman to love and care for the way he is driven to do that for his cats. He often tries to take space away from me...and it's only going to get worse. He goes to his house to sit and snuggle with his cat when he knows I'm waiting for him. He just perpetually has his arms up to hold me back....and I'm perpetually trying to get in there to hug and love him. It's just not natural for him. 

And potentially I could just wait and be patient and hope he comes around and wants to learn how to be a good partner - like he might want to invest in learning that from other men, or open his heart to God's leading... but he might never get there and I am, as always, looking at his potential instead of who he is right now.

Our souls love each other. And he's intuitive and gets that.... but it's not real enough for him to want to embody that love in his earth Ryan being... that requires too much. 

And he smokes and it's disgusting. And will sleep the day away. And isn't driven or moved to dream and plan with me - to create a life together and build something that's just ours. He lives by default. Getting by, moment-by-moment. And maybe I need that to an extent...to be PRESENT... but I can be present on purpose or WITH PURPOSE. My desire is to heal and grow and thrive. His is to survive and get by and maybe get a good feeling from looking at some porn or playing with himself or getting excited about other men playing sports. 

Is this the vibration I'm at right now? It must be.
I don't want that anymore. I want to rest and soak and surrender and follow God. 

I love Ryan and don't want to lose him, but unfortunately I must... I'm told that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I want to be friends if we can't be lovers...and it looks very much like we can't be lovers because I don't want a surface relationship anymore. I want to go deep. 
But he said we can't be friends. It's one or the other. And his parents agree. And he respects and looks up to them and their relationship but I do not. I think like every relationship there is good and bad but overall what I see that they have is not what I want... they can be very rude and dismissive and unappreciative of each other. They say mean things and talk behind each other's back. They think they know better than each other and Jim controls and drives Deirdre and she serves him and he takes care of her. It works for them and I love that Jim is spontaneous and takes her on adventures, but he makes decisions without her and he touches other women inappropriately (in my eyes - in his and Dee's it's harmless...but the way he touched Vicki's butt and the way he is - pushy and salesmany - with people sometimes is just off-putting to me.) We all have huge egos (except maybe Dee).... but anyway, those family dynamics are not the ones that I want for my beloved and I.

Virtues that are important to me:
Truth/Honesty/Trust
Kindness
Compassion
Motivation (drive to do something meaningful with one's lifeforce)

__

Ryan is my best friend and I will miss him. And sometimes we have great kisses and sex is ramping up and getting good...he is giving much more. But I want more. It's too little too late. 

____

Thank you God... this is such perfect timing and so good:

https://jimmyandquinlan.com/theone/watch-jimmy

Manipulation of Consent

Today's AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Manipulation_of_Consent

On point with many inquiries of my consciousness. Today I asked Ryan what his thoughts are on virtues...which ones he values and is willing to LIVE BY. He's always said that "honesty" is his most important one... truth... but he has no problem lying to people's faces. 

This is how consciousnesses are split:

"The agenda to increase Cognitive Dissonance in the way people think is purposely plotted to more easily manipulate the consent out of the individual and public. It allows people to perform actions and behaviors that are actually contradictory to their personal belief systems. People that act in behaviors or ways that are actually the opposite of what they believe in, generate a lot of Mental Anxiety and accumulate emotional aberrance into their Pain Body. Emotional aberrance, unresolved conflicts, inner violence, fear and pain attract energetic parasites. Many times these parasites contribute to the psychological manipulation of fear in the person’s body. As a result, in order to avoid facing pain or discomfort, the person may refuse to address the contradiction that occurs between their behaviors and belief system. So they put up a wall and avoid confronting it entirely. When a person lives in perpetual cognitive dissonance, the mental and emotional stress that it creates leads to splitting behaviors and soul fracturing. These dissonant thoughtforms and the internal fracturing are used to manipulate the consent of the masses to keep them spiritually oppressed, feeding into destructive structures they do not understand that harbor anti-human forces that act as parasites to the human body."

And mine too. I see myself acting this stuff out with Ryan. The "multiple layers of truth" is a form of this, isn't it? God, thank you for the opportunity to feel into all of this.

Am I getting stronger and wiser or weaker and more trapped? Is this part of the recon mission? Go into the metatronic reversal pit of doom and swim around and then come out and ponder it? I am dizzy today... surely from the two cupcakes which were not good and which I did not need. Sugar and flour are not my friends. 

Breathe.

What does TV do to me? It's fun watching sports with Ryan. The "reality TV" is a time and soul suck but I like it. It's crack....perpetuating addictive behaviors and sucking on my soul. I got into "Naked and Looking for Love" or something where they've got all these naked people on a dessert island...it's a dating show too. Junk food for my brain (and soul). This is not good. I was better when I was reading about animal souls and communication... or just sitting in the hammock...or pondering life.

Let's talk about Ryan. It's so good when it's good and it's the end of the world when it's bad. "Everyone".... his parents at least...and now and then some friends...think it's not healthy for us. His parents tell him to RUN. And I have finally understood and accepted that if it's over between us, that he doesn't want to be friends and we won't be friends. When it's over, it's over. So that puts added weight on it. 

I ask if I want to continue putting up with the drama and heartache and I say "yes" most of the time because of how much I feel I'm learning and the deep joy and satisfaction I get when I think HE is learning. When we are growing individually and together. That's very satisfying. I think we are both coming out of some massive inversions... metatronic reversals and given a chance to get onto a timeline that is higher.... I just realized it may not be my highEST if I stay with him, but it's definitely an ascending one... and I feel like the bottisatva component of not leaving a man behind, my beloved Ryan, is virtuous. What does God say? That it's my choice. 

The "grass is greener" is a TRAP and lie. There will always be challenges. What does my soul want to DO here? Is it greener to start over and maybe never find a soul as beautiful as Ryan's? Ryan's soul is beautiful but also broken... it's the green dragon/black dragon split. Mine might be rainbow dragon/black dragon split. But we are helping each other... and it's so satisfying to me to see him growing.... is that enough? It doesn't matter.... this is life and the playground and there is always more. But enjoy the ride and try to be present and feel it and not get sucked into addiction. The addictions...the distractions... the distortions...the dissassociations...those are all unfortunate and they are what would be considered "bad" [use of time and energy]. The drama and all that growth, that's not necessarily bad...that's rich... and it can hurt/cause suffering, but that's part of what we came to do.

Sharing this again:

https://energeticsynthesis.com/resource-tools/blog-timeline-shift/3957-naa-promote-drug-abuse-2

More recent themes:

Lincoln - maybe go ahead and watch that movie

Cats 

144

11:09 (more than the 9:11 I have been seeing the last few months)

left side support... and left eye especially... support my liver too...

Many numbers - especially mirrors lately... and progressive ones. Last night 222 and 234 and today 234

Time's Up

"Time's up, it's over now...snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity..." - eminem

I woke up with this playing in my head and it feels like it is related to Ryan's and my relationship. We had a decent day together yesterday - we are learning to get along. He got rude as I was leaving...after midnight... I said I had to go and was waiting for a kiss and he went to the bathroom to pee and I said I had to pee too. He said I was being passive aggressive but I was trying to get him to kiss me so I could go. I had to walk home still. But he had bad energy and it didn't feel good or loving. The rollercoaster is so much. And he swears so much and smokes so much and gets angry and drives scarily and drags his feet on everything he does. I love him and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think he's the guy for me anymore. I need to be the girl for me and lick my wounds and find my strength. 

Last night he threw his cell phone to me - being helpful because I didn't know where mine was, but it was dark and I couldn't see and he overshot and it arched up and then came down on the center of my head, probably with the corner because it hurt so badly and I could feel swelling in my head all down into my eye. I am guessing it was a cranial adjustment that I needed. I feel stronger this morning. I think I am getting upgrades... being called back to ES for sure.... and light and prayer and love. 

No more fear. Feel the fear. See it. Accept and have compassion for it.

My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Phase_Disrupters

"If interacting waves meet at a point where they are in anti-phase, then destructive interference will occur."

I wonder if Ryan and I are phase disrupters for each other?
If we don't have sexual relations, I don't have the "hook"... it lets me feel freer to look honestly....and I know he wants sexual activity from me... and I want love...but he doesn't accept me for who I AM or love or cherish me. In fact, often I trigger him to hate me. It's part of the process for all of us - awakening. I love him so much, but that doesn't mean he's my guy. And I need to let go of fear of not having anyone to "help" me. I've fallen into "learned helplessness" and it's not okay. 

Get my car back. This has been a nightmare with my car. Change my own filter. Make my own anchor for Sioux's hay bucket. I've got this.

and LOVE RYAN. And let God show me the exit. Follow God's lead. 

Note to Ryan

...there are some good thoughts in here...

I'm sorry this is so long... I started to try to read it to you because I know it would be easier at work, but the tone is all wrong and it doesn't sound authentic and I feel like the message is lost, so I'm sorry that I have to write it to you.

I started responding by typing ... pausing the audio to reflect and feel into certain things... so this is the result. It might not flow in areas, but I hope it helps you to feel heard and to hear me. Here we go.... I started doing this when you were talking about your agada and how maybe sugar was causing it.:

That's interesting! I had agada yesterday and I haven't eaten any sugar for a long time. Not sure what causes agada. (Seems like I'm spelling it wrong.) I think/thought that rich foods and acidic foods like tomatoes, wine, etc. cause it but I didn't have any of that. Maybe 3-day old bacon? Anyway, I don't want to deter you from your plan to put the sugar down - I don't think it's doing anything good for you or anyone other than giving a brief hit of what feels like joy and then melts into death. 

While we're on the topic, I want to share that I feel like a new person. I've been reflecting this morning on how much I've accomplished this past week - I don't feel like I'm the dregs of humanity and I've caught up on all my projects at both jobs (I think). My mood is balanced, I have clarity, positivity, hope and happiness (despite challenging circumstances in some areas of my life). I don't care how much you disagree, but I know that sugar is a toxin to my body and being. It is poisonous and addictive and puts me in a mental trap like a drug... maybe like a psych drug ... that makes me think it's helping me (as it gives me a burst of energy and lights up my tastebuds and life for a moment). So for me, it is addictive and takes me down the same road that I perceive drugs like crack and heroin do. You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't want to hear you poo-pooing my thoughts and experience on the matter anymore. My feelings are valid. Leave them alone. It doesn't hurt you, other than your ego that wants to know better than me, be smarter than me, and ultimately crush me. I'm also comfortable saying that I am allergic to sugar and processed foods and chocolate. You've heard people say that they are allergic to alcohol because they break out in handcuffs? Well I break out in a fractured body, mind, and soul when I use the mechanism that is designed to fuel me to put poison in my system. If you put sugar in your gas tank in your car, what happens? 

Anyway, that's my experience and that's all there is to it. You have your experience where you don't think it's so bad for you, and that's great. Maybe it isn't. I am not speaking for all of humanity, only for myself. 

Thank you for saying thank you for my efforts to help and feed and support you.

"When I do things, I give it my full attention, especially when talking to you and having interactions with you"

Even when he's working on his car or my car or a project?

Malcolm's birthday party is at East Clayton Community Park which is kind of behind Mezcalito. 

"my plan is a joke in the grand scheme of things. It's God's plan.... it takes two to actually make a plan and have it work... so when you say that "I set the tone", that sounds dismissive as far as your part...you're just a humble follower because you're not... not humble in the least. You try to be and are sometimes... I don't think I am either and that's why we butt heads - both pretty arrogant, egotistical, super-prideful and not a lot of humility going on between the two of us."

Would like to reset the tone back to the way it was.

My comments about being a good friend make him think it's over and he'd like more information on that...what do I mean by that?

Maybe I am trying to preserve our friendship, even if we can't be in a loving, committed relationship... I don't want to lose him. I think we've made tremendous progress together. My progress comes from learning to stand up for myself and put my foot down and not allow someone to talk to me the way he often does AS WELL as learning to soften, wanting to be more feminine and taking action toward that, and also observing my "need"... my longing for affection and approval from my loved ones, leading to toxic people pleasing that enables disrespectful behavior from others and myself. I long for a compassionate and kind partner who cares about my feelings and experience from a pure heart (vs. farming for mental constructs to analyze (and often tear down)). But I AM the ONE who is supposed to provide that for myself and hopefully provide that for my beloved when I am proficient. But if I am looking to source it from someone else, that leads to the manipulative and needy energy that pushes people away instead of what I am hoping for. This is a pattern I have had my entire life, surely because of abandonment/neglect issues from my early years and not bonding to/imprinting with my mother the way we are meant to. (I wonder if Inga was my nanny from the get-go? I wonder if she was in Puerto Rico with us? I think so.) Anyway, I'm broken and I'm responsible for fixing myself. And you have the choice and opportunity to do the same for yourself.

"Wake up with optimism and hope that we are going to continue to build on all those good things we had."

"I don't want to be friends. I want to continue to be your lover."

"If you just want to be friends, that's not going to inspire me to mend fences."

"It's a two way street."

"I'd like to work past it, I sure hope you do. It's going to be what it's going to be."

Thank you for your thank you for my efforts to take care of you and bring you your lunch, etc. You said those are the things that "make you think" that a relationship might be a good thing because otherwise you'd have no point of reference. "Broken." "Making leaps and strides" 

"Everyday all consuming analysis." 

My opinion is that this keeps us in our monkey mind and doesn't allow true healing to happen which requires that we sink from our brains to our hearts. That is part of the process of meditation... silencing the mind so that the heart can be felt (and not with the mind... with the body.) 

"I love you and miss you on so many levels."

I do too. I miss the good times. Today I remembered how you used to get me roses... I can't have them because Norty destroys everything, but your almost-daily remembrance and offering toward our love felt so nice. 

I was talking with Meredith this week about tithing... giving 10% of our money to God/the church... and I think the mechanism is the same... investment in what is meaningful to you. It doesn't have to be financial, but money is something that we often hold tightly to. Anyway... I know that when I tithe (which I haven't in a long time), God pours blessings and mercy out on me a hundredfold. And I have witnessed that when you are immersed in a spirit of giving, you are happier overall. This applies when you are doing something for me - usually alone or as a surprise...when it is a gift....not as much when you are doing it with me nearby, then it feels like a chore and you get resentful. Not sure what to say about it other than it's noteable. I think it's similar to the "neediness" energy... if you feel like it's being solicited, that doesn't feel good. When it is a gift from your heart, then it is a joy. This makes perfect sense.

Because I have big dreams and hopes and aspirations....because I have a spirit of willfulness and control, I think it's up to me to make it happen. There's a verse in the Bible, Exodus 14:14 that says "The LORD will fight for you, you only need be still/at peace". I struggle with where the line is in creating my future and manifesting it and sitting back and letting it unfold. Seems that action is necessary, but maybe it's not. I think about getting out of the Ranch. I wanted to move for so long but everyone (Michael, Paul) kept saying it's not time or we don't have the money, etc.... but could I have gotten out earlier? I guess everything unfolded the way it was meant to. But if I didn't take action to make this happen, I might still be sitting there. I don't think this is a great example. 

But with us... we don't share a vision for the future. I don't think that is important to you - planning and dreaming and making a dream a reality. That's so much of the fun for me, but maybe it's a trap too because I do see the value in just being present and allowing life to unfold on life's terms. But shouldn't I be the master of my life? Take the bull by the horns and whatnot? That feels to be a very masculine mentality and maybe it feels off because I don't think I'm meant to do it on my own. I think that a heirogamic union (masculiine-feminine balanced relationship) creates the container for both parties to explore and work together to achieve the shared vision. With both people holding the desire to take the bull by the horns together and both people bringing the creativity and flow to it... I think that's how it's SUPPOSED TO work. But with all the distortions we have picked up to our personality levels and the ego and pain body running rampant, I don't know how to get to that....and frankly, I feel like you may not even share my perspective and my past experience leads me to expect you to make fun of it and throw it in my face like a rotten tomato. 

I get to go take the soil samples to Raleigh so I'm going to do that now. 

I love you Ryan. I'm grateful to be on this journey with you.

Hard Love

Hard Love
Song by Lauren Daigle and NEEDTOBREATHE ‧ 2016

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzg8scAZ2NM&si=L69eaS4YSrQtx6tr

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die to change
In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
I know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It take some time to make your courage strong
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them off and stand my ground
Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found
Oh
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
It's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
(Cuz it's a hard love)

_____

gaslighting... apologizing for something you didn't do to keep the peace

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1ATLqb9qfg/

_____

I am holding on with Ryan because I love him and enjoy the good times so much, but maybe he is just in my life to get me ready for my next chapter. That's not a very present-minded mindset, Carissa. But I am feeling into this energy of maybe we are catalysts for each other. I sense, again, he's not interested in me. He doesn't love ME for ME. I have heard the song so many times in the last few days "Be Yourself" by Needtobreathe and feel like I can't be myself with Ryan. I have to walk on eggshells and so much of his energy (and words) are criticisms and judgements and pokey prongs of hurt. I am having to ball my heart up and be on guard and I don't want to live like this. 

Today Ryan asked me to guard my heart when I talked to Ramsey and he's right - I love Ramsey's kindness and friendship and energy and that does put a "grass is greener" tint on Ryan's an my relationship. I love Ramsey's compassion and kindness. But he's also a bit of an energy vampire - needing and longing for compassion to feed his inner wound. We have to learn to source that for ourselves. I have to learn to source it for myself and he would need the same otherwise I'll end up like Le'Anna, frustrated and drained. But he's a good friend. Who lives 5000 miles away. And I LOVE Ryan. But I don't love the toxicity, dysfunction, and the way he tears me down to feel better about himself (although he denies it makes him feel better, but it is his ego and pain body feeding...or it looks like that to me). And the porn and cheating and questioning whether he wants to be with me. I see now how he felt when I did that to him...bringing up all my fears and what that does to a person...shakes the confidence in our relationship, robs the stability. But we don't have much stability, do we? And we don't have a shared vision for our future. And he's not a good leader or visioncaster. He is the things he blames on me - liar, manipulator, controlling, etc. But he is also a good match for me in many ways. He challenges me and gives me a carrot and reason to change. I want to be pleasing to him... I am trying to earn his approval, the same way I was trying to earn my parents' approval. I will never get it. I have to approve of myself. I am a people-pleaser, trying to earn love which I hope will lead to safety/security. Yep. Not going to work. If Ryan doesn't approve of me for who I AM...doesn't allow me to BE MYSELF, then this isn't for me. Of course I want to be considerate of other's feelings and be kind and gentle...(I was just hearing the echo of his mockery about how I can't just say anything that comes to my mind - his argument about how "being myself" isn't right. But it is.)

Thank you God for showing me that so clearly.