"The Love that you withhold is the pain that you carry - from lifetime to lifetime..." ~the Andromedans to Alex Collier

Awwww. So good... and I felt that quote from a different level today... not just the "I'm bad and withholding love from my crunchy version of myself" but also how I hold myself back from feeling abundant love and being bold and unabashedly loving all beings in all situations! 

And this is an important reminder too!!

But today I am blinded and damaged and injured by my own poor behavior - eating poison. I am no longer sober and clear... I'm inflated... inflammation taking over my body and being trying to crowd my sense out.

And feeling such love for Ryan... feeling and committing to wanting to do what it takes...wait with patience and grace and focus on my own work in the meantime. But can I be friends with Ramsey and share my heart with another man ... and potentially get my needs met from another man? That is tricky. I should talk to Ryan about that. He'd say "hell no"... but if he doesn't want to meet them and we CAN'T meet our partner's EVERY need.... we have to spread the love and responsibility among family and friends.... no one person can do it all. But intimacy with another man can lead to cheating and cheating hearts and if I'm honest which I want to be from now on fully and completely, I have a cheating heart with Ramsey still. Fantasizing and hoping that if Ryan doesn't want me, that Ramsey one day will return and we will live happily ever after. I wish Ryan would just choose me, but that's putting the responsibility of my cheating on Ryan...because HE'S not doing what I WANT (need?), then I need to source my "needs" elsewhere... create an alternative narrative. Whereas if I could just STAY WITH my desires for/from him and recognize they are projections of desires I want from MYSELF, then I could really move the needle.

So do I cut off Ramsey to do this work and risk hurting an innocent bystander? Do I put all my eggs in the basket with Ryan who doesn't seem to even want one egg, let alone all of them? Ramsey lives safely in Hawaii and it is unreasonable and silly to create a fantasy around him anyway, which seems safe to me in a way, but it keeps me ungrounded and unwell. And probably energetically (and in "real life") messes with poor Ramsey's feelings too!

I need to be my first (and only?...no... you should love BIG and WIDE) love. 
Take my claws out of ....everyone. Ryan. Ramsey. Hope for a partner. 
Go inward. Feel life.

Ryan doesn't want to go to Dallas. Let him off the hook. We can go another time. 

I don't really feel that. I feel both. I just started a message to him to tell him he's off the hook and I put in all these guilt trips. How can I practice not trying to GET MY WAY? 

LET GO AND LET GOD. EXODUS 14:14

It's time.

____

AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Sleeper

Hmmmm. I think this is an answer to explain what I watched this afternoon that was very disturbing...but I think this AG pick is teaching/showing me that this is what happened to this girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW-L1W7Kmmc