Hard Love
Song by Lauren Daigle and NEEDTOBREATHE ‧ 2016
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzg8scAZ2NM&si=L69eaS4YSrQtx6tr
Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die to change
In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
I know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It take some time to make your courage strong
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them off and stand my ground
Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found
Oh
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
It's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
(Cuz it's a hard love)
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die to change
In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
I know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It take some time to make your courage strong
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them off and stand my ground
Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found
Oh
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
It's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love
Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
(Cuz it's a hard love)
_____
gaslighting... apologizing for something you didn't do to keep the peace
_____
I am holding on with Ryan because I love him and enjoy the good times so much, but maybe he is just in my life to get me ready for my next chapter. That's not a very present-minded mindset, Carissa. But I am feeling into this energy of maybe we are catalysts for each other. I sense, again, he's not interested in me. He doesn't love ME for ME. I have heard the song so many times in the last few days "Be Yourself" by Needtobreathe and feel like I can't be myself with Ryan. I have to walk on eggshells and so much of his energy (and words) are criticisms and judgements and pokey prongs of hurt. I am having to ball my heart up and be on guard and I don't want to live like this.
Today Ryan asked me to guard my heart when I talked to Ramsey and he's right - I love Ramsey's kindness and friendship and energy and that does put a "grass is greener" tint on Ryan's an my relationship. I love Ramsey's compassion and kindness. But he's also a bit of an energy vampire - needing and longing for compassion to feed his inner wound. We have to learn to source that for ourselves. I have to learn to source it for myself and he would need the same otherwise I'll end up like Le'Anna, frustrated and drained. But he's a good friend. Who lives 5000 miles away. And I LOVE Ryan. But I don't love the toxicity, dysfunction, and the way he tears me down to feel better about himself (although he denies it makes him feel better, but it is his ego and pain body feeding...or it looks like that to me). And the porn and cheating and questioning whether he wants to be with me. I see now how he felt when I did that to him...bringing up all my fears and what that does to a person...shakes the confidence in our relationship, robs the stability. But we don't have much stability, do we? And we don't have a shared vision for our future. And he's not a good leader or visioncaster. He is the things he blames on me - liar, manipulator, controlling, etc. But he is also a good match for me in many ways. He challenges me and gives me a carrot and reason to change. I want to be pleasing to him... I am trying to earn his approval, the same way I was trying to earn my parents' approval. I will never get it. I have to approve of myself. I am a people-pleaser, trying to earn love which I hope will lead to safety/security. Yep. Not going to work. If Ryan doesn't approve of me for who I AM...doesn't allow me to BE MYSELF, then this isn't for me. Of course I want to be considerate of other's feelings and be kind and gentle...(I was just hearing the echo of his mockery about how I can't just say anything that comes to my mind - his argument about how "being myself" isn't right. But it is.)
Today Ryan asked me to guard my heart when I talked to Ramsey and he's right - I love Ramsey's kindness and friendship and energy and that does put a "grass is greener" tint on Ryan's an my relationship. I love Ramsey's compassion and kindness. But he's also a bit of an energy vampire - needing and longing for compassion to feed his inner wound. We have to learn to source that for ourselves. I have to learn to source it for myself and he would need the same otherwise I'll end up like Le'Anna, frustrated and drained. But he's a good friend. Who lives 5000 miles away. And I LOVE Ryan. But I don't love the toxicity, dysfunction, and the way he tears me down to feel better about himself (although he denies it makes him feel better, but it is his ego and pain body feeding...or it looks like that to me). And the porn and cheating and questioning whether he wants to be with me. I see now how he felt when I did that to him...bringing up all my fears and what that does to a person...shakes the confidence in our relationship, robs the stability. But we don't have much stability, do we? And we don't have a shared vision for our future. And he's not a good leader or visioncaster. He is the things he blames on me - liar, manipulator, controlling, etc. But he is also a good match for me in many ways. He challenges me and gives me a carrot and reason to change. I want to be pleasing to him... I am trying to earn his approval, the same way I was trying to earn my parents' approval. I will never get it. I have to approve of myself. I am a people-pleaser, trying to earn love which I hope will lead to safety/security. Yep. Not going to work. If Ryan doesn't approve of me for who I AM...doesn't allow me to BE MYSELF, then this isn't for me. Of course I want to be considerate of other's feelings and be kind and gentle...(I was just hearing the echo of his mockery about how I can't just say anything that comes to my mind - his argument about how "being myself" isn't right. But it is.)
Thank you God for showing me that so clearly.
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