Law of Polarity

My AG pick is on point... as usual. Unfortunately I've dulled myself with poison (food... sugar...desserts) so I can't see clearly now but I feel it under the surface and remember how it impacted me before. 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Polarity

I have asked if Kiran will take me on as a therapy client. I need therapy.

Ryan did not go with me to Dallas.
I did not enjoy traveling with Jessica... life lesson = be careful who you travel with

Do I see how everything I do and say is set up to collect loosh to feed on? This is a monster inside of me. I am my own therapist if I will just remain open. Right now I am not being honest with myself... I am compromising. Fear of being without Ryan (and my love of him...my desire for him...the DRUG of him) keep me ensnared... holding on to a delusion. He doesn't love me. Or he doesn't know how perhaps. And I've lost my WAY and find myself back on this level of the bifurcation... a lower level... shrouded in lies. I need to be quiet. And stop trying to please Ryan or the world. Be kind, happy, at peace. Seek peace and nature...remember God... remember I AM god, sovereign, free.

Transmute - vulture
Transform - crow

Birdcall - a call back to our hearts - the cult (joke) I initiated in Waco, Texas on May 26, 2025. Birdcall is the name of a chicken restaurant and ordering app ... I realized/remembered that after I named my cult. Dang. 

Massage, self-care, facing fear, nature, camping ....  

Get in my chrysalis and disssssolve.....

____ 

I read the following on Facebook:

"Your partner is supposed to be your safe space... not another battle you have to gear up for. Life already throws enough at you....stress, pressure, disappointments, unexpected pain. The world will challenge you, your past might haunt you, your responsibilities will weigh you down... but *your person* should be the place you exhale. The place you go when everything feels heavy. Not the one adding more weight to your chest.

It’s not supposed to be war at home. It’s not supposed to be constant arguments, power struggles, emotional manipulation, silent treatments, or walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. That’s not love. That’s survival. That’s emotional warfare disguised as intimacy. And when love starts to feel like another battlefield, you don’t feel safe....you feel exhausted. And no matter how much you love someone, you can't thrive in a space where you're constantly being hurt, misunderstood, or disregarded.

Real love is shelter. It’s comfort. It’s being able to show up without having to put your armor on. It’s knowing that even on your worst days, you’ll be met with patience instead of punishment... understanding instead of judgment. A healthy partner is someone who makes you feel seen when the world overlooks you... who listens to understand, not just to respond. Someone who checks on your mind, your heart, your soul... not just your body.

You’re supposed to feel safe enough to be soft. To be vulnerable. To break down and be held without shame. To express your fears, your dreams, your doubts... without being dismissed or mocked. Your partner should be your peace, not your pressure. Your calm in the chaos. Your home, not your battleground.

And sure, no relationship is perfect. You’ll disagree, you’ll misunderstand each other sometimes, you’ll grow through uncomfortable phases. But love should never make you question your worth. It should never make you feel like you’re constantly fighting to be heard, respected, or simply *okay*.

So if you’re with someone who makes you feel unsafe emotionally, mentally, or spiritually... that’s not love. That’s trauma dressed up as connection. And you deserve more. You deserve to be with someone who makes love feel like a soft landing... not a hard fall. Someone who protects your heart, not pokes at your wounds. Someone who reminds you, in the way they love you daily, that love doesn’t have to hurt to be real.

Choose peace over chaos. Choose connection over confusion. Choose the kind of love that feels like rest... not war. Because your partner should never be another battle in your life. They should be the one helping you win the ones you already face."

That was powerful. And I DO think that the world and social media are perpetuating the divide...setting false expectations up for people... but I also think that Ryan's and my level of toxicity is beyond ...WELL BEYOND what is acceptable. 

Turns out HE'S the radical liar. Maybe we both are... in a state of confusion and gaslighting and manipulation and control. Communication, trust, and respect are all broken. 

I wrote him a goodbye note again. I am taking all the responsibility for being in the wrong - this is stupid, but I would rather do that and get out than try to argue my point or "get him to see". He won't see. He has to choose to see for himself and he can only see when I am not trying to get him to. 

O’Ryan! ❤️

I LOVE you…❤️ 

You are my Beloved…❤️

You are so beautiful…❤️

I LOVE YOU Ryan James Daniel Patrick Gregory Gibbons Like O’Malley…to the moon and back!! 🌘💫❤️

That’s why I have to let you go. My beingness harms you. 

We both need time to heal and learn/practice harmlessness.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me - you’ve given so much. 

You are so special; so talented and intelligent and funny and have a gorgeous heart. I wish I could be the one to help you feel safe enough to let down, but I am wounded and lost and trigger you away from your true character- your magnificent and noble heart. 

I hope you will continue to pursue peace and heal your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I love that guy and want to see him THRIVE. ✨

As for me, I need to get into a chrysalis and spit on myself and dissolve into a puddle of mush and wait for the magic to happen 🐛💕🦋…

And that's that. 
I need to be done once and for all.
Focus on my nest... my chrysalis. 
Ryan points the finger... "look at all the drama you've created"... and I answered him a bunch of times that I was doing this to HEAL. I told him I was going to get help, get therapy, and heal and he wants to make sure I have a healthy dose of shame to go with it. He just wants to tear me down. He doesn't love me. At the end of our phone call I said "I love you" and he said "yeah" and hung up. And that's that. No more contact for a while. 

He's jealous, controlling, manipulative, untrustworthy, and a liar. I have to let him go. No matter how much I love him, I have to let this influence, this poison, this ugly white man's violent energy go... because it triggers my protective instincts (thinking about the snake's response to the white man vs. the red man)..... 

God, please take the wheel.