Note to Ryan

...there are some good thoughts in here...

I'm sorry this is so long... I started to try to read it to you because I know it would be easier at work, but the tone is all wrong and it doesn't sound authentic and I feel like the message is lost, so I'm sorry that I have to write it to you.

I started responding by typing ... pausing the audio to reflect and feel into certain things... so this is the result. It might not flow in areas, but I hope it helps you to feel heard and to hear me. Here we go.... I started doing this when you were talking about your agada and how maybe sugar was causing it.:

That's interesting! I had agada yesterday and I haven't eaten any sugar for a long time. Not sure what causes agada. (Seems like I'm spelling it wrong.) I think/thought that rich foods and acidic foods like tomatoes, wine, etc. cause it but I didn't have any of that. Maybe 3-day old bacon? Anyway, I don't want to deter you from your plan to put the sugar down - I don't think it's doing anything good for you or anyone other than giving a brief hit of what feels like joy and then melts into death. 

While we're on the topic, I want to share that I feel like a new person. I've been reflecting this morning on how much I've accomplished this past week - I don't feel like I'm the dregs of humanity and I've caught up on all my projects at both jobs (I think). My mood is balanced, I have clarity, positivity, hope and happiness (despite challenging circumstances in some areas of my life). I don't care how much you disagree, but I know that sugar is a toxin to my body and being. It is poisonous and addictive and puts me in a mental trap like a drug... maybe like a psych drug ... that makes me think it's helping me (as it gives me a burst of energy and lights up my tastebuds and life for a moment). So for me, it is addictive and takes me down the same road that I perceive drugs like crack and heroin do. You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't want to hear you poo-pooing my thoughts and experience on the matter anymore. My feelings are valid. Leave them alone. It doesn't hurt you, other than your ego that wants to know better than me, be smarter than me, and ultimately crush me. I'm also comfortable saying that I am allergic to sugar and processed foods and chocolate. You've heard people say that they are allergic to alcohol because they break out in handcuffs? Well I break out in a fractured body, mind, and soul when I use the mechanism that is designed to fuel me to put poison in my system. If you put sugar in your gas tank in your car, what happens? 

Anyway, that's my experience and that's all there is to it. You have your experience where you don't think it's so bad for you, and that's great. Maybe it isn't. I am not speaking for all of humanity, only for myself. 

Thank you for saying thank you for my efforts to help and feed and support you.

"When I do things, I give it my full attention, especially when talking to you and having interactions with you"

Even when he's working on his car or my car or a project?

Malcolm's birthday party is at East Clayton Community Park which is kind of behind Mezcalito. 

"my plan is a joke in the grand scheme of things. It's God's plan.... it takes two to actually make a plan and have it work... so when you say that "I set the tone", that sounds dismissive as far as your part...you're just a humble follower because you're not... not humble in the least. You try to be and are sometimes... I don't think I am either and that's why we butt heads - both pretty arrogant, egotistical, super-prideful and not a lot of humility going on between the two of us."

Would like to reset the tone back to the way it was.

My comments about being a good friend make him think it's over and he'd like more information on that...what do I mean by that?

Maybe I am trying to preserve our friendship, even if we can't be in a loving, committed relationship... I don't want to lose him. I think we've made tremendous progress together. My progress comes from learning to stand up for myself and put my foot down and not allow someone to talk to me the way he often does AS WELL as learning to soften, wanting to be more feminine and taking action toward that, and also observing my "need"... my longing for affection and approval from my loved ones, leading to toxic people pleasing that enables disrespectful behavior from others and myself. I long for a compassionate and kind partner who cares about my feelings and experience from a pure heart (vs. farming for mental constructs to analyze (and often tear down)). But I AM the ONE who is supposed to provide that for myself and hopefully provide that for my beloved when I am proficient. But if I am looking to source it from someone else, that leads to the manipulative and needy energy that pushes people away instead of what I am hoping for. This is a pattern I have had my entire life, surely because of abandonment/neglect issues from my early years and not bonding to/imprinting with my mother the way we are meant to. (I wonder if Inga was my nanny from the get-go? I wonder if she was in Puerto Rico with us? I think so.) Anyway, I'm broken and I'm responsible for fixing myself. And you have the choice and opportunity to do the same for yourself.

"Wake up with optimism and hope that we are going to continue to build on all those good things we had."

"I don't want to be friends. I want to continue to be your lover."

"If you just want to be friends, that's not going to inspire me to mend fences."

"It's a two way street."

"I'd like to work past it, I sure hope you do. It's going to be what it's going to be."

Thank you for your thank you for my efforts to take care of you and bring you your lunch, etc. You said those are the things that "make you think" that a relationship might be a good thing because otherwise you'd have no point of reference. "Broken." "Making leaps and strides" 

"Everyday all consuming analysis." 

My opinion is that this keeps us in our monkey mind and doesn't allow true healing to happen which requires that we sink from our brains to our hearts. That is part of the process of meditation... silencing the mind so that the heart can be felt (and not with the mind... with the body.) 

"I love you and miss you on so many levels."

I do too. I miss the good times. Today I remembered how you used to get me roses... I can't have them because Norty destroys everything, but your almost-daily remembrance and offering toward our love felt so nice. 

I was talking with Meredith this week about tithing... giving 10% of our money to God/the church... and I think the mechanism is the same... investment in what is meaningful to you. It doesn't have to be financial, but money is something that we often hold tightly to. Anyway... I know that when I tithe (which I haven't in a long time), God pours blessings and mercy out on me a hundredfold. And I have witnessed that when you are immersed in a spirit of giving, you are happier overall. This applies when you are doing something for me - usually alone or as a surprise...when it is a gift....not as much when you are doing it with me nearby, then it feels like a chore and you get resentful. Not sure what to say about it other than it's noteable. I think it's similar to the "neediness" energy... if you feel like it's being solicited, that doesn't feel good. When it is a gift from your heart, then it is a joy. This makes perfect sense.

Because I have big dreams and hopes and aspirations....because I have a spirit of willfulness and control, I think it's up to me to make it happen. There's a verse in the Bible, Exodus 14:14 that says "The LORD will fight for you, you only need be still/at peace". I struggle with where the line is in creating my future and manifesting it and sitting back and letting it unfold. Seems that action is necessary, but maybe it's not. I think about getting out of the Ranch. I wanted to move for so long but everyone (Michael, Paul) kept saying it's not time or we don't have the money, etc.... but could I have gotten out earlier? I guess everything unfolded the way it was meant to. But if I didn't take action to make this happen, I might still be sitting there. I don't think this is a great example. 

But with us... we don't share a vision for the future. I don't think that is important to you - planning and dreaming and making a dream a reality. That's so much of the fun for me, but maybe it's a trap too because I do see the value in just being present and allowing life to unfold on life's terms. But shouldn't I be the master of my life? Take the bull by the horns and whatnot? That feels to be a very masculine mentality and maybe it feels off because I don't think I'm meant to do it on my own. I think that a heirogamic union (masculiine-feminine balanced relationship) creates the container for both parties to explore and work together to achieve the shared vision. With both people holding the desire to take the bull by the horns together and both people bringing the creativity and flow to it... I think that's how it's SUPPOSED TO work. But with all the distortions we have picked up to our personality levels and the ego and pain body running rampant, I don't know how to get to that....and frankly, I feel like you may not even share my perspective and my past experience leads me to expect you to make fun of it and throw it in my face like a rotten tomato. 

I get to go take the soil samples to Raleigh so I'm going to do that now. 

I love you Ryan. I'm grateful to be on this journey with you.