Letter to Ryan

Quote of the day:

"Always let your conscience be your guide" - Jiminy Cricket

Response to your voice message this morning:

Perhaps what you're doing isn’t intentional… but you are wildly twisting the situation and creating a story that is FALSE. You are lying to yourself and making up a narrative that you’re telling to me to try to get me on board so you can continue the barrage of false accusations and I do not consent to your lies.

I have not had a clandestine relationship with my friend Ramsey. We talk about plants and about his life in Hawaii and about my life here. (I don’t talk much about you because it was a sensitive subject. You and I live on an emotional roller coaster and, #1, I did not want him to worry about me as he is prone to do, and #2, I didn't want to hear him telling me that you are not treating me right.) 

Ramsey and I had NO secret clandestine relationship!

What ACTUALLY happened is that I shared my heart with you about harboring a fantasy about him. Ramsey is kind and compassionate… he has attributes that I long for in a partner. So I had, if we want to call it this, "a cheating heart". Because I was looking at another man and envisioning another relationship... as I said, wondering if the grass was greener.

This situation put me out of alignment with myself and impacted my full commitment to you… wondering about something or someone different. These are the secret inner thoughts of my heart which I entrusted to you... something I believe is akin to sinning against you. A seed that if I continued to allow the roots to grow would ultimately strangle our relationship. And it was. Comparison and judgement isn't fair to you. 

But I do not accept you spinning it as though I had an affair or inappropriate relationship with Ramsey. I have a very pure relationship with him. A friendship that is True. We care about one another and each other’s lives and experiences. It’s not a close relationship anymore, like it was for a time… I have pulled back a lot, and obviously do not share the intimate details of my life with him (because YOU are the majority of my intimate details) and I do that out of respect for you… and a desire to share intimacy with you, not another man. So again, we keep it very surface.

Again I did not have an inappropriate or clandestine relationship with him. What I confessed to was a fantasy in my mind.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if you confess to the fantasies in your mind? But I’m not asking you to do that because that’s your work… if you desire to look at it. Your porn and your woman chasing online are ACTIONABLE steps that you took/take to cheat. You excuse your lusting after other women on the daily as something acceptable because you are a man and because you only stop to gawk in Walmart and/or only look at them through a screen. But you are creating fantasies, timelines, scenarios and envisioning yourself having sex with those people.

Long story short, I want to live in alignment with my soul, so I’m doing what I need to do for myself. I thought that sharing with you (and it was something that I had been thinking about sharing with you for a little while...  that night I was intentional about it and felt God gave me the time and opening to do so.) ... I did it in the hopes that it would put everything on the table so you could see my whole heart and give you every opportunity to make your decision if you want to continue to pursue a relationship with me.  

Again, this was a secret of my heart. The same way that when Ramsey and I sat on the couch at my house it felt like a secret of my heart that love was blooming in me… this became the “cheating heart“.

Nothing would have come of it if you did not call it out… he did not have any intentions with me other than friendship… I felt something bloom that I didn't know was there before and I've known Ramsey a long time… it was not something that I was even going to really look into. (Though if I had lured him into being my roommate, which was my angle, it might have developed more for me... as you know I long to live with my beloved and if I'm honest, which I am, I may have gone down that path of hoping for more with him.) (Since you and I were not together according to my understanding at the time... you continued to resist going further in a relationship with me... and the day before you took the label away altogether. We've spoken about this "misunderstanding" ad nauseum.) Anyway, that was all in MY mind and heart. It could have faded away like a cloud in the sky just as easily as it came except I chose to validate your experience and dig deep into the layers of my heart and see that, indeed, I had feelings blooming for Ramsey. It felt really nice in his presence. His interest in my thoughts, experience, heart, and feelings and his compassion felt really nice. It planted a seed that grew into a fantasy of a relationship with someone like him. Surely not him for a number of reasons... he's not an animal guy... he's much younger and much cooler ...and the main one:

He lives in Hawaii.

I fantasize about being treated well… spoken to with kindness and grace. I have gone along with your very dramatic "cheating heart" mentality because I want to take it seriously and I want to put the cabash on it so that I eliminate anything (on my side) that could be getting in the way of a full commitment. I want to be honest and plunge the depths of my heart for the truth and I want to be pure and right and aligned with my soul. My soul loves you and wants to be in a relationship with the truth of who you Are...and I was willing to hang on as you continued to peel back the layers of your own heart and soul. I have been wounded in the process but I am strong and resilient. And I have tried to do what is right by being honest about the innermost thoughts of my heart. I know it is harmful to our relationship and not fair to you for me to fantasize about another life or another man. That’s why I told you. But again, that is a fantasy in my mind.... the likes of which you have (multiple fantasies) every night as you jerk off while imagining intimacy with another woman. Not to compare, but what's worse?

I'm sorry it hurts you... I know it does and I don’t want to hurt you and that’s why I’m trying to be honest. But you’re spinning it as though I am cheating on you and that is absolutely inappropriate and not true.

As far as last night's communication, you were over the top and out of line in the way you spoke to me last night. If you think that you spoke to me appropriately, you better think again. I insist that if we’re going to “argue" or if you have some sort of feedback for me, I want you to record it so you can hear yourself ...and imagine how it might feel to be on the other side of that vitriol that comes out of your face. I can’t recount it to you because I do not want to hold onto the ugliness that comes out of you. But you were swearing at me and calling me names again and that’s not OK to me. It doesn’t make me want to engage with you or resolve anything with you. It just makes me see how stupid and naive I am... INSANE. Experiencing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results. It's ridiculous to believe that somebody who says that they love me would talk to me in the way that you do. It’s not OK.

So here we are, in the muck of drama once again. I know neither of us want this ugliness on the surface... perhaps one or both of us want it subconsciously... perhaps one or both of us are sabotaging the potential beauty we could share in an all-out committed full enveloped in love relationship...

But we aren't there. We aren't "all in". You aren't even half-in. 

I am going to leave it here. If you want to go to Dallas and Georgia with me - if you want to be a part of my family, you are invited. I ask that you be respectful and not smoke around my family, especially the children. But that's all I'm asking. If that puts you off and/or if you aren't ready for this level of relationship - travel and family, etc.... then that's your choice and I accept it. But this is the litmus test to me to see where you're at...what you want.... where your priorities and commitments lay. 

Take care of yourself - be safe and healthy. 
I love you Ryan.