It's time

I love you Ryan.
I have made myself small in order to fit the desires of your small mind and life. 

I am chasing authenticity - I want to be unabashedly me. I don't want to have to apologize for being vibrant or trying on different spiritualities or being too much....

I AM
And I have believed the lie that I need to be small and that people need to like me or approve of me or that I have to do this or that .... no. I have to learn to listen to my own heart and follow it. Ryan doesn't want the same things I do.... I want to LIVE... to love and feel and explore and make love and play and taste and learn and do all the things.... but I'm dulling myself and making myself sick. This is not acceptable. I have closed myself off to family and friends. I have shut my heart and mouth and don't share my thoughts .... not with Ryan because it will trigger him and then we'll have unpleasantness and not with others because I want them to like Ryan too.

We have beautiful moments but the toxicity and abuse slashes them and erases their memories. 

Thank you God for the amazing podcasts which Rosemary sent me.... Cosmic Matrix or something... one about organic vs. inorganic humans and everything I'm reading is showing me that Ryan and I are on different timelines. This is why we don't understand each other. This is why we have to yell to get across the chasm. I came to build a bridge... 

And one on authenticity and I realize that I suppress my authenticity in order to be a people pleaser in some circumstances... not as much as I used to, but definitely with Ryan. And it's no bueno.

I am my own person - he doesn't even want to live with me, he's not sure he wants to be with me, so why am I giving up my other friendships for this person...for the HOPE of this controlling person? He's jealous and he should be. He's not nice.... or he isn't allowing that spirit to embody him. He's embodied and a portal for a ton of entities and he isn't open to the pursuit of God or help in any way other than his own mind. God bless him and help him. Guidance teams, please help his teams to help him. I pray for his happiness... that he will choose the light. 

And I pray for any lingering darkness and crossspirals and damaged architecture in me to be repaired. 

I need to tell him that I am done. I know he will hurt and he will shut me out. And that will hurt me and I'm scared of it but I need not be. It's what needs to be done. If he wants to take my gate controllers, let him. It gives him a feeling of security....let him have that. Let him have everything he wants and needs. I love him but I want more. And it starts with loving myself and BEING myself. Enjoy this time of reclamation, sweet girl! I love you! He will take away all of it...but let him. Let them. 

Be in LOVE. Cry. Feel it. And find your own strength and truth. Come back to the truth.... you are magnificent and I love you!!!!

_____ 

Note, I didn't send that or anything... but we had many interactions and yesterday, 5/16, I did it... pulled the plug. (There was a terrible conversation the night before where I was close and he was helping me to do the deed - to break up with him - but I couldn't do it. But yesterday I finally did. Pulled over in the county car on the side of the road in Clayton and wrote a note about it being time.)

My message:

“ It’s time. I know it is in my best interest to be single right now. I love you but we are harming each other instead of building one another up. We are stuck in selfish patterns instead of unity. I know we BOTH tried and I’ll always be grateful for all we learned and shared. I pray that we have planted seeds of love that ultimately grow, heal, and nourish our beings and lives. I pray for peace, happiness, and abundance for you beloved Ryan. I will miss you. I hope you will change your mind about us being friends. (And that in the context of friendship we might be able to practice kindness and respect.) But I honor your process and needs. I hope you find a woman who satisfies you and brings joy and meaning to your life. I love you. I’m sorry.”

I know it’s bad to break up by telegram/text but we had had extensive conversations in person and on the phone and we both know it's the right thing to do. He just really needed ME to do it and I really needed ME to do it...my soul needed that and his soul helped me. We love each other deeply and want the best for one another at the deepest level. And he was holding me back and he knew it and he doesn't want to go forward and my home DOES have soul but I need to sew more love into it. And I will. Thank you God.