"The nodes are usually represented as spheres called Sephiroth and the lines are usually represented as paths. The nodes usually represent encompassing aspects of existence, God, or the human psyche.The lines usually represent the relationship between the concepts ascribed to the spheres or a symbolic description of the requirements to go from one sphere to another."
"I am the earth and the earth is me."
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6uyCRaV0ui4&si=DF3SNXbzgXGd0fID
This Kabbalah is cluing and reminding me that my work is to correct the fallen tree, the metatronic reversals and to heal my energetic architecture. ("We are healing"... this is the song cooing in my ear as I type... this is the one that I copied above.
"We are healing with the earth"
Thank you God.)
So we are healing ourselves and the earth. Thank you God for showing and reminding me. This is what it's all about. Do I need to help my liver. You can support it. You don't need coffee enemas, but you need energy and love.. intention, my Love.
It won't hurt but it won't help but I feel that you want to show some love to your body. A massage?
___
I need to let things go.
Stop holding so tightly to everything.
Let the bed go. Let Daytona go. And probably let Ryan go. I'm tired.
I've got to take care of myself and my family and home.
And move. Probably need to move.
___
Looked at properties in the mountains. So expensive and I don't want to be alone.
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Let's try another "pros and cons" of living together. Ryan will do his list and we'll discuss today.
I'm trying to do "cons" first... usually I do "pros" first.
Cons:
Have to think about another person's preferences
Have to trust another person with my animals - that they won't accidentally let them out, etc.
other person's moods and energy effect mine and our living space
other person's activities...especially loud TV watching and wifi effect my living space
other person's habits - sleeping in, requiring quiet (and walking on eggshells because they are grumpy i the morning) for half the day on weekends - effect my freedom. Maybe I need someone more aligned with my habits and circadian rhythm
Close proximity might mean more fights
Moodswings - he blows up and it's usually "my fault" as I say or do something wrong or rude, but I don't want to walk or live on eggshells
Ryan, in particular, doesn't care for watching things together that I might like to watch - rom coms or reality tv... he'd watch some documentaries though - he likes them usually. But he really likes adult cartoons and sports.
Pros:
Someone to share life with - the ups and downs and ins and outs
Someone to play, rest, dream, and work with
Someone to dote on, to spoil, to please, to laugh and share experiences with.
I won't be alone when I'm afraid - storms, noises, emergencies, etc.
Help with the animals
Help with the housework and projects
Help with the finances
Inspiration to soften and learn how to be feminine and to open up more sexually
I love when Ryan's in a good place and when we can talk openly about our thoughts, feelings, ponderings, etc.
I love how good it feels to be submissive and when Ryan takes charge with compassion and kindness, looking out for my needs and appreciating my efforts. I can think of some beautiful times when he has done that when I am pleasuring him.
I don't like feeling controlled and like I can't make my own decisions about who I talk to because it threatens Ryan. Examples = Ramsey and Paul...and he mocks and doesn't like my other friends like Jannelle and Le'Anna, though he sees their value to me.
I don't like that Ryan thinks I'm "crazy"...though I might be... I am open to God's whispers and want to embody the spirit of Christ.
I love that Ryan is curious and open to learning new things. Not from me usually, but that's natural, I guess. But the result of his pursuit of truth and understanding is growth. Maybe not on my time or what I want him to learn, but he is becoming wiser by the day. In fact, when I try to show him something, it has the opposite effect and creates resistance.
Ryan isn't naturally driven to want to take care of me...to have his own woman to love and care for the way he is driven to do that for his cats. He often tries to take space away from me...and it's only going to get worse. He goes to his house to sit and snuggle with his cat when he knows I'm waiting for him. He just perpetually has his arms up to hold me back....and I'm perpetually trying to get in there to hug and love him. It's just not natural for him.
And potentially I could just wait and be patient and hope he comes around and wants to learn how to be a good partner - like he might want to invest in learning that from other men, or open his heart to God's leading... but he might never get there and I am, as always, looking at his potential instead of who he is right now.
Our souls love each other. And he's intuitive and gets that.... but it's not real enough for him to want to embody that love in his earth Ryan being... that requires too much.
And he smokes and it's disgusting. And will sleep the day away. And isn't driven or moved to dream and plan with me - to create a life together and build something that's just ours. He lives by default. Getting by, moment-by-moment. And maybe I need that to an extent...to be PRESENT... but I can be present on purpose or WITH PURPOSE. My desire is to heal and grow and thrive. His is to survive and get by and maybe get a good feeling from looking at some porn or playing with himself or getting excited about other men playing sports.
Is this the vibration I'm at right now? It must be.
I don't want that anymore. I want to rest and soak and surrender and follow God.
I love Ryan and don't want to lose him, but unfortunately I must... I'm told that I can't have my cake and eat it too. I want to be friends if we can't be lovers...and it looks very much like we can't be lovers because I don't want a surface relationship anymore. I want to go deep.
But he said we can't be friends. It's one or the other. And his parents agree. And he respects and looks up to them and their relationship but I do not. I think like every relationship there is good and bad but overall what I see that they have is not what I want... they can be very rude and dismissive and unappreciative of each other. They say mean things and talk behind each other's back. They think they know better than each other and Jim controls and drives Deirdre and she serves him and he takes care of her. It works for them and I love that Jim is spontaneous and takes her on adventures, but he makes decisions without her and he touches other women inappropriately (in my eyes - in his and Dee's it's harmless...but the way he touched Vicki's butt and the way he is - pushy and salesmany - with people sometimes is just off-putting to me.) We all have huge egos (except maybe Dee).... but anyway, those family dynamics are not the ones that I want for my beloved and I.
Virtues that are important to me:
Truth/Honesty/Trust
Kindness
Compassion
Motivation (drive to do something meaningful with one's lifeforce)
__
Ryan is my best friend and I will miss him. And sometimes we have great kisses and sex is ramping up and getting good...he is giving much more. But I want more. It's too little too late.
____
Thank you God... this is such perfect timing and so good:
https://jimmyandquinlan.com/theone/watch-jimmy
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