Why?

- We're not "in it together".... he chooses his own space/camper over a home that we've been building for a TOGETHER. 
- Unkindness/contention/make fun of/poor communication
- Not on the same page - no desire for cellular health and mental well-being and spiritual growth
- Hasn't wanted to be "all in" in 2.5+ years. He has mentioned it a time or two recently, but no action toward it.
- Happy breadcrumbing me to keep dragging me along....it feels good to have someone love me the way I do - and neither of us see it fully. I am giving more than I have. He doesn't see it. I am codependent and trying to earn his committment and affection. I look at his "potential" and have empathy for his current situation - I understand WHY he is holding back, have compassion for his trauma and state of mind, and forgive him. But I can not keep putting myself on the back burner. GO LIVE!!

* Continuing in this dysfunctional "relationship" is keeping me from finding my person. Clifford and I had a powerful connection and that's what I want.... I read this email from Kim Amani right now and recognized our connection in it. 

I’ve never dated anyone. 

Over the years and decades, when I’d hear people talk about “dating”  I never really understood it.

It seemed like for them “dating” was this multi-month “audition” period of spending time with someone where you may or may not be having sex with them and you may or may not be in an exclusive relationship with them.

My experiences in the early stages of romance and relationships have always been intense, wild and unmistakable.

Meaning, I knew from the very beginning—pretty much from the moment I looked into their eyes—who they were and what they would be in my life.

And they knew too.

I’ve seen something reposted a few times lately—an idea that people seem to be in awe of—that’s been the story of my life.

“What’s crazy is that real lovers don’t even do talking stages. All it takes is one good date and suddenly y’all are together every day after that.”

Yeah.

This is how it’s always been for me.

I EXPECT big love, big feeling, a whole-hearted, whole-vagina, whole-soul response to someone.
 
Nothing less.

Why would I waste my time on anything BUT that?

It's also the kind of connection I had with Joe. And maybe Ryan, except we didn't get together quickly... and he's stillllll holding back.

Remember when he bailed on our trip to Dallas?

Everyone (including me) enables him not to take responsibility for his life (and certainly not a partner's life). I would have helped him but if he can't help himself, then God is saving me which is what is going on and it's all a lesson. Even Clifford was a lesson. So just be present now sweet girl and start making good decisions for YOURSELF. Take care of YOU.

I want to wait on God to send my person too. I don't like dating apps. That's not the WAY. 
I want to BE my person.
I want to BE. 
I have such a lovely life ... beautiful simple lovely life... already. 
I'm all I need.

Just let Ryan fade out.
Make time for myself. 
I'm not attracted to him. He's mean and a user... just wants me to give him sexual favors and he likes my friendship too...but he doesn't like ME. Not as I am. 
Let God send him someone who will make him happy. I'm in the way of his happiness.
And if we apply the same logic that he has about how Corie is supposed to kick Mike out because it's in Mike's best interest if he's "triggered" by her family (which is what she said)... if HIS "triggeredness" is HER responsibility (which I don't believe for one second), then I also need to cut Ryan loose to save him from all the triggers he gets by being around me.

I want to tuck in and paint and rest and watch movies and snuggle with dogs and walk and nourish myself. 

I want to eat only hamburger patties.

Some things I'm reading: 
https://www.awakeninthedream.com/glossary-of-terms#wetiko
https://veilofreality.com/2024/07/19/facing-the-deep-state-and-psy-op-within-yourself-the-essence-of-shadow-work/