Lord, help me to do what is right.
Help me to trust you.
Help me not to turn to the right or to the left.
YOU will light my path. Let me stop trying to control it because it looks scary. I'm scared. Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I trying to solve human problems on my own power or am I just walking in obedience doing what you have ordained for me to do?
You will open up another path and make it clear that it is your path if it is from you.
I MUST WALK ON THE PATH YOU'VE LAID OUT BEFORE ME. Don't turn to the right or to the left.
TRUST YOU. LOVE Tyrone.
Love comes from You. God, YOU ARE LOVE. I must abide in Christ Jesus. The Holy Spirit- is this the Spirit of Christ? - will remind me, comfort me and lead me into all truth. Jesus is the Truth. Jesus is the Way and Life too! WHO ARE YOU GOD??? Teach me. I am yours. I am not my own. May I die so that Jesus may live. May I be the righteousness of Jesus in You.... is that right? ...that we might be made the righteousness of GOD in Jesus! (2 Cor 5:21) - teach me what this means, Father! Teach me Lord.
Trust You. I trust You. I trust YOU. I must trust You. When I don't trust You, please lead me to trust You. I pray for GRACE. Keep me. Guide me.
Amen.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Dear Pastor
Dear Pastor,
SURELY you see that there are SO MANY meanings.... layers... so much DEPTH in the Bible and in the revelation of God's Word to us.
I am confused. I want someone to explore these with. Would you help me?
I want to go back to your church, but I am afraid of "ruffling people's feathers". I'm afraid of using the authority that God gave me in the past (was it God?)! I'm afraid that my questions and pointing out difficult things will dismantle people's faith. I'm afraid of scaring them off the path. Is this because I think that I have so much power? Perhaps I'll just be looked at as a kook and perhaps that is good. I want to be hated by those of this world, but only because I am following Jesus, not because I have made myself hated on my own power.
Do you see what I see in the Bible? Do you see that we must endure until the end and that those who are in Christ Jesus do not sin? Do you see that the Holy Spirit teaches us everything we need to know? Do you see that there are no RULES, but that we must lay down our lives - die to our SELF (selfish desires, pride, greed, etc.), and take up our CROSS - our exposure to death - that which will actually help us die. We want to die. We must die to live. We can't want to conform to the world! We shouldn't confer with flesh and blood when God makes the call for us.
We don't know a thing.
We have a beam in our eye.
We can't say that THIS is THIS and THAT is THAT. How do you know? Are you IN CHRIST? Do you have the MIND of CHRIST? If so, what does it all mean? How are you BAPTIZED into Christ? What is a NAME? Who is the Father? What is the Spirit of Wisdom that existed before the world? Who are the two anointed ones? What was the "fruit" in the garden of Eden? Why was Esau, who was obedient to his father, the one punished? What does it all mean? The Bible tells us if we are in the Bible and not in the world.
Are you in the world?
Are you running a worldly system? Is the church you "run" a counterfeit of the Spiritual Temple that Jesus Christ is the High Priest of?
How can you stand up and say "such and such" is the truth and not know the whole picture?
Help me understand.
I want to understand.
I want to help.
I LOVE our church.
I LOVE our friends.
I want people to come to Christ - but is the only way through going to church?
I should not love the world or the things of this world. The church that we are talking about is OF THIS WORLD. It teaches people to be complacent. Yes, it can also lure them into worshipping (but they don't know what they are worshiping). You can encourage them to get into their Bibles, but without the Light, they don't understand.
Help me. I want to help you. I want to help God- but I can't, can I? I can't do anything but adore, worship, praise, thank, seek, and LOVE God (because He first loved me). I can love others because of the grace that is imparted unto me... it doesn't come from me. Only God can change me.
Jesus Christ is the mediator.
He is the High Priest.
He is the Messiah and Redeemer who died to atone for my sins.
We are all united in Christ.
Who is Christ? The Anointing? The Holy Oil? Who existed before the world began? What is the Spirit of Christ? Jesus is THE Christ. Has he always been? Just as I have always been an heir- but I have been called, justified, sanctified.... or I am in the process of all that?
Am I already born again because I have the earnest of the Holy Spirit in me? Am I born into Christ? If so, then I doth not sin, right? What if I do? There is no sacrifice to cover my sins?
How do I endure until the end?
Ack!! I have to go to work... but PASTOR, please explain all this to me. Do you see it and just pretend not to? Do you talk about it with others? Do you talk about it with God? Aren't ALL the facts important? Much of (all of?) the Bible is a parable... there are hidden meanings for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Do you see and hear? Are you preaching on the story/parable or the truth below it?
How are we not teaching people to PRETEND worship?
We are so prideful.
I am so prideful.
GOD help me. Only He can. He is my Pastor.
Lord, guide and teach me the Truth. May I worship you in Spirit and in Truth. Who are you? How can I serve you?
Listen and obey.
<3
SURELY you see that there are SO MANY meanings.... layers... so much DEPTH in the Bible and in the revelation of God's Word to us.
I am confused. I want someone to explore these with. Would you help me?
I want to go back to your church, but I am afraid of "ruffling people's feathers". I'm afraid of using the authority that God gave me in the past (was it God?)! I'm afraid that my questions and pointing out difficult things will dismantle people's faith. I'm afraid of scaring them off the path. Is this because I think that I have so much power? Perhaps I'll just be looked at as a kook and perhaps that is good. I want to be hated by those of this world, but only because I am following Jesus, not because I have made myself hated on my own power.
Do you see what I see in the Bible? Do you see that we must endure until the end and that those who are in Christ Jesus do not sin? Do you see that the Holy Spirit teaches us everything we need to know? Do you see that there are no RULES, but that we must lay down our lives - die to our SELF (selfish desires, pride, greed, etc.), and take up our CROSS - our exposure to death - that which will actually help us die. We want to die. We must die to live. We can't want to conform to the world! We shouldn't confer with flesh and blood when God makes the call for us.
We don't know a thing.
We have a beam in our eye.
We can't say that THIS is THIS and THAT is THAT. How do you know? Are you IN CHRIST? Do you have the MIND of CHRIST? If so, what does it all mean? How are you BAPTIZED into Christ? What is a NAME? Who is the Father? What is the Spirit of Wisdom that existed before the world? Who are the two anointed ones? What was the "fruit" in the garden of Eden? Why was Esau, who was obedient to his father, the one punished? What does it all mean? The Bible tells us if we are in the Bible and not in the world.
Are you in the world?
Are you running a worldly system? Is the church you "run" a counterfeit of the Spiritual Temple that Jesus Christ is the High Priest of?
How can you stand up and say "such and such" is the truth and not know the whole picture?
Help me understand.
I want to understand.
I want to help.
I LOVE our church.
I LOVE our friends.
I want people to come to Christ - but is the only way through going to church?
I should not love the world or the things of this world. The church that we are talking about is OF THIS WORLD. It teaches people to be complacent. Yes, it can also lure them into worshipping (but they don't know what they are worshiping). You can encourage them to get into their Bibles, but without the Light, they don't understand.
Help me. I want to help you. I want to help God- but I can't, can I? I can't do anything but adore, worship, praise, thank, seek, and LOVE God (because He first loved me). I can love others because of the grace that is imparted unto me... it doesn't come from me. Only God can change me.
Jesus Christ is the mediator.
He is the High Priest.
He is the Messiah and Redeemer who died to atone for my sins.
We are all united in Christ.
Who is Christ? The Anointing? The Holy Oil? Who existed before the world began? What is the Spirit of Christ? Jesus is THE Christ. Has he always been? Just as I have always been an heir- but I have been called, justified, sanctified.... or I am in the process of all that?
Am I already born again because I have the earnest of the Holy Spirit in me? Am I born into Christ? If so, then I doth not sin, right? What if I do? There is no sacrifice to cover my sins?
How do I endure until the end?
Ack!! I have to go to work... but PASTOR, please explain all this to me. Do you see it and just pretend not to? Do you talk about it with others? Do you talk about it with God? Aren't ALL the facts important? Much of (all of?) the Bible is a parable... there are hidden meanings for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Do you see and hear? Are you preaching on the story/parable or the truth below it?
How are we not teaching people to PRETEND worship?
We are so prideful.
I am so prideful.
GOD help me. Only He can. He is my Pastor.
Lord, guide and teach me the Truth. May I worship you in Spirit and in Truth. Who are you? How can I serve you?
Listen and obey.
<3
19 Days
19 days until everything changes.
19 days until my life is no longer my own. (MMM- heart check. It's NOT my own NOW... I belong to Christ.)
19 days until I have to think foraboutwith two.
19 days until I am one with another human who I then must worship with- our walk is no longer our individual walk... we are responsible for each other. We belong to one another. We are united in Christ. When one stumbles, the other must be there to offer a hand to help the other up- our unity, and [I dare say] our salvation depend on it.... we must endure to the end- together. We are yoked. We are one. We are a team. We are for each other. We are in Christ. We must study and pray and love together with everything we've got ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!!
God has prepared me. From before the world began, I have been His. All that I've been through in my life- from birth to today has been sovereignly ordained to prepare me for what He has for me to do (each day). Even my trials as a child STRENGTHENED me and made me UNIQUE. I am an alien. I am not of this world. I must not be conformed to this world.
1 John 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
19 days.
It is real. That 2_, or 3_, or 4_, or 9_ [days] was protection- a cushion- this is a big step and the time cushion kept it from being completely real. Now it's real. Wellllll.... getting realER. Talk to me in 19 days. Reality is going to smack me in the face and I'm going to love it. (I'm GOING TO LOVE IT!!! Perfect love casts out all fear! 1 John 4:18).
I want Tyrone to love his parents (in deed and in truth).
I cannot change anyone. Ty taught me that. GOD taught me that. GOD taught me that through practical experience. God taught me a LOT. He taught me about addiction and what it does to people and families... I lived it. He prepared me to understand His son, Tyrone. He also used me to help Joe as God rescued Him. God has rescued Tyrone. Trust Him. Love Tyrone.
That's the key there. Forever. Trust God. Love Tyrone.
19 days.
Trust God. Love Tyrone.
19 days until my life is no longer my own. (MMM- heart check. It's NOT my own NOW... I belong to Christ.)
19 days until I have to think foraboutwith two.
19 days until I am one with another human who I then must worship with- our walk is no longer our individual walk... we are responsible for each other. We belong to one another. We are united in Christ. When one stumbles, the other must be there to offer a hand to help the other up- our unity, and [I dare say] our salvation depend on it.... we must endure to the end- together. We are yoked. We are one. We are a team. We are for each other. We are in Christ. We must study and pray and love together with everything we've got ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!!
God has prepared me. From before the world began, I have been His. All that I've been through in my life- from birth to today has been sovereignly ordained to prepare me for what He has for me to do (each day). Even my trials as a child STRENGTHENED me and made me UNIQUE. I am an alien. I am not of this world. I must not be conformed to this world.
1 John 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
19 days.
It is real. That 2_, or 3_, or 4_, or 9_ [days] was protection- a cushion- this is a big step and the time cushion kept it from being completely real. Now it's real. Wellllll.... getting realER. Talk to me in 19 days. Reality is going to smack me in the face and I'm going to love it. (I'm GOING TO LOVE IT!!! Perfect love casts out all fear! 1 John 4:18).
I want Tyrone to love his parents (in deed and in truth).
I cannot change anyone. Ty taught me that. GOD taught me that. GOD taught me that through practical experience. God taught me a LOT. He taught me about addiction and what it does to people and families... I lived it. He prepared me to understand His son, Tyrone. He also used me to help Joe as God rescued Him. God has rescued Tyrone. Trust Him. Love Tyrone.
That's the key there. Forever. Trust God. Love Tyrone.
19 days.
Trust God. Love Tyrone.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Desktop Verse
This verse has been on my desktop since August 5th... (it's actually an email devotional from "The Berean", but I read the verse every now and then. It's a good reminder.) Before I close the email out, I wanted to put this verse somewhere where I can remember to go back and review it.
It's important. I think it's more important than I think.
I think this is a good summary of what the church is supposed to be (and what we have actually defiled it into). Anyway... without further adu:
Jeremiah 7:4-12
(4) Trust ye not in lying words, saying, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, are these. (5) For if ye throughly amend your ways and your doings; if ye throughly execute judgment between a man and his neighbour; (6) If ye oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, neither walk after other gods to your hurt: (7) Then will I cause you to dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers, for ever and ever. (8) Behold, ye trust in lying words, that cannot profit. (9) Will ye steal, murder, and commit adultery, and swear falsely, and burn incense unto Baal, and walk after other gods whom ye know not; (10) And come and stand before me in this house, which is called by my name, and say, We are delivered to do all these abominations? (11) Is this house, which is called by my name, become a den of robbers in your eyes? Behold, even I have seen it, saith the LORD. (12) But go ye now unto my place which was in Shiloh, where I set my name at the first, and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel.
*mmm
It's important. I think it's more important than I think.
I think this is a good summary of what the church is supposed to be (and what we have actually defiled it into). Anyway... without further adu:
Jeremiah 7:4-12
(4) Trust ye not in lying words, saying, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, are these. (5) For if ye throughly amend your ways and your doings; if ye throughly execute judgment between a man and his neighbour; (6) If ye oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, neither walk after other gods to your hurt: (7) Then will I cause you to dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers, for ever and ever. (8) Behold, ye trust in lying words, that cannot profit. (9) Will ye steal, murder, and commit adultery, and swear falsely, and burn incense unto Baal, and walk after other gods whom ye know not; (10) And come and stand before me in this house, which is called by my name, and say, We are delivered to do all these abominations? (11) Is this house, which is called by my name, become a den of robbers in your eyes? Behold, even I have seen it, saith the LORD. (12) But go ye now unto my place which was in Shiloh, where I set my name at the first, and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel.
*mmm
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Shoes
I woke up thinking about a pair of shoes:
Imagine walking into a shoe store. It's very well lit. You look around and see lots and lots of nice looking shoes all lined up. You start perusing and find a few pairs that strike your fancy. Just then God shifts your focus to the corner of the store where it isn't very well lit. You look over and notice that there is a light shining on a pair of shoes that are relatively formless and grey. You go over to examine them closer and notice that these shoes are made of stone. They aren't even smoothed out... they are two giant pieces of grey stone with a hole where your foot goes in them. At first glance you want to turn away and go back to the other shoes... but something keeps you there considering them.
As you are standing there, you remember that GOD shifted your focus to the corner. You have a sense that those shoes were made just for you. There's only one size there and they happen to be YOUR size. If you have eyes to see and ears to hear, you know that God showed you those shoes and if you are obedient and trust God, then you know that those are from Him for you and the shoes that you MUST get.
So- here ya go. These formless, heavy shoes are to be YOUR new shoes- given to you by God Himself.
Really, you SHOULD be grateful. The One True God, our Holy Father in heaven above just gave you a new pair of shoes! Still, a part of you wants to say "GOD? LOOK! There are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL shoes all around here- and LOOK! Some are on SALE! These big stone shoes are marked UP in price! I want one of these other pairs that will be comfortable and look good on me!" But God doesn't change His mind... He simply waits for you to purchase the shoes He had specially made for you (though you don't understand that yet).
As you are going through this exercise, what isn't apparent to you at first is the fact that when you wear those shoes (which are clunky and heavy) your legs are STRENGTHENED.
And as you wear them, as you stumble and scrape your toes along the pavement and rocky roads that you walk along, the shoes are worn down... the rough edges are chipped away. EVENTUALLY they will get to a point where what is INSIDE the is revealed... as the stone is rubbed down and the grey bulk falls off, you see that what is inside is DIAMOND.
Perfect, spotless, diamond.
So someday these shoes will be beautiful shoes AND YOU will have strong legs! Sweet!
The caveat is that you've gotta TRUST GOD and invest in the stone shoes out of obedience in order to be eligible for the prize/ transformation/ diamond shoes. Hm. This applies in so many ways. I like this. THANK YOU LORD for teaching and telling me about this today! GREAT story! I love you Father!!
<3
Imagine walking into a shoe store. It's very well lit. You look around and see lots and lots of nice looking shoes all lined up. You start perusing and find a few pairs that strike your fancy. Just then God shifts your focus to the corner of the store where it isn't very well lit. You look over and notice that there is a light shining on a pair of shoes that are relatively formless and grey. You go over to examine them closer and notice that these shoes are made of stone. They aren't even smoothed out... they are two giant pieces of grey stone with a hole where your foot goes in them. At first glance you want to turn away and go back to the other shoes... but something keeps you there considering them.
As you are standing there, you remember that GOD shifted your focus to the corner. You have a sense that those shoes were made just for you. There's only one size there and they happen to be YOUR size. If you have eyes to see and ears to hear, you know that God showed you those shoes and if you are obedient and trust God, then you know that those are from Him for you and the shoes that you MUST get.
So- here ya go. These formless, heavy shoes are to be YOUR new shoes- given to you by God Himself.
Really, you SHOULD be grateful. The One True God, our Holy Father in heaven above just gave you a new pair of shoes! Still, a part of you wants to say "GOD? LOOK! There are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL shoes all around here- and LOOK! Some are on SALE! These big stone shoes are marked UP in price! I want one of these other pairs that will be comfortable and look good on me!" But God doesn't change His mind... He simply waits for you to purchase the shoes He had specially made for you (though you don't understand that yet).
As you are going through this exercise, what isn't apparent to you at first is the fact that when you wear those shoes (which are clunky and heavy) your legs are STRENGTHENED.
And as you wear them, as you stumble and scrape your toes along the pavement and rocky roads that you walk along, the shoes are worn down... the rough edges are chipped away. EVENTUALLY they will get to a point where what is INSIDE the is revealed... as the stone is rubbed down and the grey bulk falls off, you see that what is inside is DIAMOND.
Perfect, spotless, diamond.
So someday these shoes will be beautiful shoes AND YOU will have strong legs! Sweet!
The caveat is that you've gotta TRUST GOD and invest in the stone shoes out of obedience in order to be eligible for the prize/ transformation/ diamond shoes. Hm. This applies in so many ways. I like this. THANK YOU LORD for teaching and telling me about this today! GREAT story! I love you Father!!
<3
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Think for Myself
I want to continue...or start... to think for myself. EVERYTHING tells me what to think...what to want...what to need...what to like...what to eat...what to do... what to buy...what I should [and what I did] experience.
Even the "Christian" world is like that...all these blogs telling me what to buy, like, think, do. All these pastors telling me the ACTUAL, TRUER-THAN-THE-LAST, MUST-SEE TRUTH. Truth has become subjective. What a lie. Disgusting. <--- and what is MOST disgusting is that I FALL for it... often. Thanks be to God for just giving me a glimpse... for giving me eyes to see... for just a moment... but I'll forget and be dragged back in in just another few minutes. UGHHHH!!
This flashy world of counterfeit lights wants to suck me in.
I must pray (continue to pray) for eyes to see and ears to hear. I don't want to get sucked in. I don't want to be deceived. I AM deceived, but by God's grace, He is freeing me from it.
Lord, I need more grace. Forgive me for myselfishness and pride and for always going my own way. Please don't give up on me, Father! Please! Amen
Even the "Christian" world is like that...all these blogs telling me what to buy, like, think, do. All these pastors telling me the ACTUAL, TRUER-THAN-THE-LAST, MUST-SEE TRUTH. Truth has become subjective. What a lie. Disgusting. <--- and what is MOST disgusting is that I FALL for it... often. Thanks be to God for just giving me a glimpse... for giving me eyes to see... for just a moment... but I'll forget and be dragged back in in just another few minutes. UGHHHH!!
This flashy world of counterfeit lights wants to suck me in.
I must pray (continue to pray) for eyes to see and ears to hear. I don't want to get sucked in. I don't want to be deceived. I AM deceived, but by God's grace, He is freeing me from it.
Lord, I need more grace. Forgive me for myselfishness and pride and for always going my own way. Please don't give up on me, Father! Please! Amen
Monday, October 3, 2011
Did I miss September?
I guess I missed a month of blogging... that's fine. I'd miss another month if I could, but I just felt prompted to write... I guess I'll just tell me where I'm at.
I CAN'T TELL ME WHERE I'M AT BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'm waiting.
Waiting on God to show me where I'm at.
I must battle bitterness and resentment and focus on earthly circumstances that don't matter. I must keep my eyes and thoughts fixed on the LORD.
I left Pittsburgh a month ago to come back here to deal with the house (when I told Le'Anna that I needed to come home for 2 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa, she told me she was moving out... she didn't want anything to do with me... so I HAD to come home to deal with the house and help Corie (who is separated from Kenneth and she was staying here (at Milky Way) until Marcia could move out of Page's duplex)). When I got back, Le'Anna saw that I hadn't turned into a demon and she loved me once again. She then got engaged and planned on staying here. Anyway, I'm inundated with the WORLD... with garbage...with things vieing for my attention and stealing it from my study and pursuit of God.
Today I wondered if my pursuit of God is akin to taking the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Am I not resting in the shadow of the Tree of Life.... the gift GIVEN to me of GOD? We as humans ate that darn fruit (knowledge of good and evil) and then Jesus saved us... gave us a way back to the garden to eat of the Tree of LIFE. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I must TRUST GOD. JUMP into HIS arms... He will hold me.
I must continue to study the WORD. I am supposed to be RESTING and purifying my body and mind now. This kind goes out by prayer and fasting. <--- does that apply? I don't know. I'm supposed to count the cost. Tyrone is my next adventure. I must be willing to die to myself and let God- His LOVE- live through me. It will be a difficult and painful battle... or it could be if my will continues to rise up. My "will" rises up. My "self" rises up. My "pride" rises up. I'm despicable.
So Le'Anna is moving out now... yesterday she wasn't...today she is. She needs to do what is best for her and Glory... mostly she needs to OBEY GOD. I have not been influencing her (or trying my best NOT TO influence her and just to point her back to God to make her decisions). God's will be done in all our lives. Every decision has a consequence that affects ourselves and others. MY decisions had consequences... the decision to go to Pittsburgh had LOTS of PAINFUL consequences for many of my friends here, but I believe God used it to draw them closer to Him... to break them. I was a vessel for dishonor...possibly... but I pray that I will ultimately be a vessel unto HONOR.
I have a job in Pittsburgh for 4 more days. If I had a place to live, I would go back there. My apartment was rented out. If the woman doesn't move in (today), then I'll go back there. I'm secretly hoping that she won't move in. I want direction. I want peace. I want to know what is next. I don't like being blind.
Have BLIND FAITH, Carissa. BELIEVE.
Tyrone's Dad is all by himself... we must love him. I think that I am supposed to move up there to help Mr. Miller and prepare for Tyrone to be released from prison. When he is, then my life will be his... I will exist to pour out the Father's love on and into Tyrone despite the difficulties that we will face. He will battle addiction, his past, and many many enemies that want to destroy his future.
I don't want to move. I'm comfortable here. COM-FORT-ABLE. It's sick. I'm comfortable. I want to live in luxury. So many of God's kids are suffering and living in poverty and I am sitting here in my plush house in my new workout clothes and typing on my fancy computer. I am despicable (I think I mentioned that already).
Regarding Tyrone-
"Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said "For this cause shall a man leave Father and Mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh"? Wherefor they are no more twian, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." - Matthew 19:4-6
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
I trust that God brought Tyrone and I together for His purposes. Let me and my laziness and selfish pursuits and fleshly desires not put this asunder. Our enemies will stop at nothing to keep us apart if it is God's will that we be united.
Have I told you about Tyrone? He came into my life in mid-August. I should do a separate post about him. I will. No, I won't. Not now. Not yet. I'll just tell you that he is my soul-mate, my partner, given to me through divine intervention. God brought us together and we both knew immediately that we were God's perfect gift for a spouse for one another. --->Not that we are perfect or that we will be everything we wanted in the flesh/world, but we are GOD'S PERFECT GIFT and PROVISION for one another. I think that this love is going to come with a hefty price tag... what God has shown me is that Tyrone is like Joe but WORSE as far as addictions and the poison of the flesh goes.... but he's also like Joe but BETTER spiritually. He is God's beautiful and precious son and the Lord has great plans for him... I want to say that he'll be a pastor or writer or something GREAT... but that that may not be what glorifies God the most- I think that glorifies Carissa. I'm so twisted. Perhaps Tyrone and I will be slum-dogs, living in poverty with no friends.... the Son of man had no where to lay His head. (I should hope for this. I want our lives to bring glory to GOD. I want to please HIM.) Anyway... it's uncanny the similarities that are between Joe and Tyrone. I feel like this is a "second chance" so-to-speak with God. I didn't have the relationship with Him when I was married that I have now. I didn't know Him enough to lay down my life and marriage for Him. Now I will to. Tyrone has a brain injury (so does Joe) - they both dated women that were 17 years older than them prior to dating me (meaning they both probably have mom issues) - they were both in the military but discharged - neither of them had a college degree (Joe has since gotten one) - they both suffer with alcohol and drug addictions, and porn addictions, and anything else they could use to fill the black hole addictions. I think they both have/had anger/rage issues. Law issues. UGH. Tyrone's "issues" are worse. But the more we are forgiven, the more appreciative we are of God (Luke 7:47). Okay... now this has turned into a whine fest. I am NOT whining. I am GRATEFUL. God made me for a reason- He gave me a purpose. I failed Him before... He, in His infinite mercy, has given me another chance. This time I must persevere through the Spirit and in Truth. My life must be hid with God in Christ. I love Tyrone because God first loved me.
I will to love him with my whole heart, mind, soul, and strength.... I will to love him as I love God. I will to love God first and Tyrone second and both with agape love that comes from the Creator Himself. I will to love others as myself. Tyrone is an other- but he is also myself. We are united in Christ.
I'm also united in Christ to many brothers and sisters... I must love them and not hate them. (Lord, show me how to love them. Open my eyes. Create in me a clean heart and renew my loyalties. I pray for You to wash me clean- wash away my iniquities and give me the grace to walk in newness of life- to walk in Jesus Christ. Help me to understand what that means if it is your will for me to understand. If it is not, please take away my desire. My will and desire is to be with you always - to be of use to you and to honor you with my life. You can use stones to "be of use to you", I know. I'm sorry. Yes. I pray that I would bring you honor and glory forever. I pray for a surrendered heart and a vessel meet for use. I need more grace, Lord. I am a sinner- I am so weak- I pray for more belief and more faith. I pray for your LOVE to pour into me and for me to have a willing heart to let it pour out- Help me not to be selfish and prideful and hold onto things for myself. I am selfish and prideful and lazy, Lord. I want to die. I want Carissa to pass away and for Christ to live through me so that I may glory with Him. <--Lord, show me what this means... do I understand correctly? Colossians 3:4. Teach me the TRUTH Lord so that I may worship you correctly. I don't want to be a sheep that goes astray. I am willing to be a scattered sheep in the wilderness, but don't let me go. Please don't let me go astray. Bring me back to the fold. Bring me back to graze with my eternal shepherd. Amen.)
Anyway, we'll see what happens... I'm torn up about what the church is supposed to look like and where I fit in. I want so badly to go back to Journey, but I believe that God showed me that that was my Egypt, so I cannot go back. Willing or toying with going back is bad enough and worthy of punishment.
My house is here (Raleigh). My family is here. My friends and support system are here. My love is in Pennsylvania. My assignment is there. My love's Dad (who may be a part of my assignment) is in Pennsylvania. They are on the EAST side of Pennsylvania. My JOB is on the WEST side. God's will be done. God's will be done. I must just keep saying that.
I must just keep TRUSTING GOD.
I CAN'T TELL ME WHERE I'M AT BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'm waiting.
Waiting on God to show me where I'm at.
I must battle bitterness and resentment and focus on earthly circumstances that don't matter. I must keep my eyes and thoughts fixed on the LORD.
I left Pittsburgh a month ago to come back here to deal with the house (when I told Le'Anna that I needed to come home for 2 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa, she told me she was moving out... she didn't want anything to do with me... so I HAD to come home to deal with the house and help Corie (who is separated from Kenneth and she was staying here (at Milky Way) until Marcia could move out of Page's duplex)). When I got back, Le'Anna saw that I hadn't turned into a demon and she loved me once again. She then got engaged and planned on staying here. Anyway, I'm inundated with the WORLD... with garbage...with things vieing for my attention and stealing it from my study and pursuit of God.
Today I wondered if my pursuit of God is akin to taking the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Am I not resting in the shadow of the Tree of Life.... the gift GIVEN to me of GOD? We as humans ate that darn fruit (knowledge of good and evil) and then Jesus saved us... gave us a way back to the garden to eat of the Tree of LIFE. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I must TRUST GOD. JUMP into HIS arms... He will hold me.
I must continue to study the WORD. I am supposed to be RESTING and purifying my body and mind now. This kind goes out by prayer and fasting. <--- does that apply? I don't know. I'm supposed to count the cost. Tyrone is my next adventure. I must be willing to die to myself and let God- His LOVE- live through me. It will be a difficult and painful battle... or it could be if my will continues to rise up. My "will" rises up. My "self" rises up. My "pride" rises up. I'm despicable.
So Le'Anna is moving out now... yesterday she wasn't...today she is. She needs to do what is best for her and Glory... mostly she needs to OBEY GOD. I have not been influencing her (or trying my best NOT TO influence her and just to point her back to God to make her decisions). God's will be done in all our lives. Every decision has a consequence that affects ourselves and others. MY decisions had consequences... the decision to go to Pittsburgh had LOTS of PAINFUL consequences for many of my friends here, but I believe God used it to draw them closer to Him... to break them. I was a vessel for dishonor...possibly... but I pray that I will ultimately be a vessel unto HONOR.
I have a job in Pittsburgh for 4 more days. If I had a place to live, I would go back there. My apartment was rented out. If the woman doesn't move in (today), then I'll go back there. I'm secretly hoping that she won't move in. I want direction. I want peace. I want to know what is next. I don't like being blind.
Have BLIND FAITH, Carissa. BELIEVE.
Tyrone's Dad is all by himself... we must love him. I think that I am supposed to move up there to help Mr. Miller and prepare for Tyrone to be released from prison. When he is, then my life will be his... I will exist to pour out the Father's love on and into Tyrone despite the difficulties that we will face. He will battle addiction, his past, and many many enemies that want to destroy his future.
I don't want to move. I'm comfortable here. COM-FORT-ABLE. It's sick. I'm comfortable. I want to live in luxury. So many of God's kids are suffering and living in poverty and I am sitting here in my plush house in my new workout clothes and typing on my fancy computer. I am despicable (I think I mentioned that already).
Regarding Tyrone-
"Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said "For this cause shall a man leave Father and Mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh"? Wherefor they are no more twian, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." - Matthew 19:4-6
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
I trust that God brought Tyrone and I together for His purposes. Let me and my laziness and selfish pursuits and fleshly desires not put this asunder. Our enemies will stop at nothing to keep us apart if it is God's will that we be united.
Have I told you about Tyrone? He came into my life in mid-August. I should do a separate post about him. I will. No, I won't. Not now. Not yet. I'll just tell you that he is my soul-mate, my partner, given to me through divine intervention. God brought us together and we both knew immediately that we were God's perfect gift for a spouse for one another. --->Not that we are perfect or that we will be everything we wanted in the flesh/world, but we are GOD'S PERFECT GIFT and PROVISION for one another. I think that this love is going to come with a hefty price tag... what God has shown me is that Tyrone is like Joe but WORSE as far as addictions and the poison of the flesh goes.... but he's also like Joe but BETTER spiritually. He is God's beautiful and precious son and the Lord has great plans for him... I want to say that he'll be a pastor or writer or something GREAT... but that that may not be what glorifies God the most- I think that glorifies Carissa. I'm so twisted. Perhaps Tyrone and I will be slum-dogs, living in poverty with no friends.... the Son of man had no where to lay His head. (I should hope for this. I want our lives to bring glory to GOD. I want to please HIM.) Anyway... it's uncanny the similarities that are between Joe and Tyrone. I feel like this is a "second chance" so-to-speak with God. I didn't have the relationship with Him when I was married that I have now. I didn't know Him enough to lay down my life and marriage for Him. Now I will to. Tyrone has a brain injury (so does Joe) - they both dated women that were 17 years older than them prior to dating me (meaning they both probably have mom issues) - they were both in the military but discharged - neither of them had a college degree (Joe has since gotten one) - they both suffer with alcohol and drug addictions, and porn addictions, and anything else they could use to fill the black hole addictions. I think they both have/had anger/rage issues. Law issues. UGH. Tyrone's "issues" are worse. But the more we are forgiven, the more appreciative we are of God (Luke 7:47). Okay... now this has turned into a whine fest. I am NOT whining. I am GRATEFUL. God made me for a reason- He gave me a purpose. I failed Him before... He, in His infinite mercy, has given me another chance. This time I must persevere through the Spirit and in Truth. My life must be hid with God in Christ. I love Tyrone because God first loved me.
I will to love him with my whole heart, mind, soul, and strength.... I will to love him as I love God. I will to love God first and Tyrone second and both with agape love that comes from the Creator Himself. I will to love others as myself. Tyrone is an other- but he is also myself. We are united in Christ.
I'm also united in Christ to many brothers and sisters... I must love them and not hate them. (Lord, show me how to love them. Open my eyes. Create in me a clean heart and renew my loyalties. I pray for You to wash me clean- wash away my iniquities and give me the grace to walk in newness of life- to walk in Jesus Christ. Help me to understand what that means if it is your will for me to understand. If it is not, please take away my desire. My will and desire is to be with you always - to be of use to you and to honor you with my life. You can use stones to "be of use to you", I know. I'm sorry. Yes. I pray that I would bring you honor and glory forever. I pray for a surrendered heart and a vessel meet for use. I need more grace, Lord. I am a sinner- I am so weak- I pray for more belief and more faith. I pray for your LOVE to pour into me and for me to have a willing heart to let it pour out- Help me not to be selfish and prideful and hold onto things for myself. I am selfish and prideful and lazy, Lord. I want to die. I want Carissa to pass away and for Christ to live through me so that I may glory with Him. <--Lord, show me what this means... do I understand correctly? Colossians 3:4. Teach me the TRUTH Lord so that I may worship you correctly. I don't want to be a sheep that goes astray. I am willing to be a scattered sheep in the wilderness, but don't let me go. Please don't let me go astray. Bring me back to the fold. Bring me back to graze with my eternal shepherd. Amen.)
Anyway, we'll see what happens... I'm torn up about what the church is supposed to look like and where I fit in. I want so badly to go back to Journey, but I believe that God showed me that that was my Egypt, so I cannot go back. Willing or toying with going back is bad enough and worthy of punishment.
My house is here (Raleigh). My family is here. My friends and support system are here. My love is in Pennsylvania. My assignment is there. My love's Dad (who may be a part of my assignment) is in Pennsylvania. They are on the EAST side of Pennsylvania. My JOB is on the WEST side. God's will be done. God's will be done. I must just keep saying that.
I must just keep TRUSTING GOD.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Swallowed a Camel
Mat 23:24 Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
The above verse was just on my heart. Conviction of some sort. Lord, grant me understanding... show me the error of my ways....grant me REPENTANCE. I am such a Pharisee. :(
While we are talking about it- what's with the camel references? Let's look at them...a little study on camels at 11:15pm never hurt anyone.... :)
Camels are "unclean" to eat...or they were...nothing is unclean anymore except to those who believe it to be unclean...to them it IS unclean...there is scripture that goes along with that, but I'm digressing... back to the scripture at hand:
Lev 11:4 Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.
John the Baptist's clothes were made of camel hair:
Mat 3:4 And the same John had his raiment of camel's hair, and a leathern girdle about his loins; and his meat was locusts and wild honey.
This one kills me because I am still rich (I'm throwing down all three versions from each of the gospels (except John which doesn't mention camels:)):
Mat 19:24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Mar 10:25 It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Luk 18:25 For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Africa-bound?
Am I Africa-bound? I don't know. I think so... here's the email I sent to Sayre yesterday...
There is much "moving" drama going on.
Le'Anna is being a tyrant to my sister (she was going to kick her to the curb last week because her son left toys in the living room)... she has already chased out one roommate. It's not good. Today she told me that I couldn't come back to my OWN house for 2-3 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa.... nuts.
I'm still a pharisee. I see myself expecting people to think something of me when I say that I am going to go work at an orphanage in Africa. I want them to think I'm good.
I'm not good.
I'm bad.
Despicable and bad.
But God.
GOD is GOOD... INCREDIBLE and GOOD!
He somehow LOVES me and has given me such grace and blessing and allows me to know and love Him.... and God, PLEASE transform me- help me to love you MORE... take away my stony heart and give me a new heart...a new wineskin. Teach me who you are so that I can worship you in spirit and in truth!
Father, you are AMAZING! Thank you for my students here. Thank you for Tyrone- I pray (if I may) that he will send me another letter and that I didn't scare him off. I pray for you to teach us both who you are- deeply- help us to drink of You so that we might eat of Jesus flesh and drink of his blood <-- and please teach me what that means.
God, thank you for answering my prayer for direction.
Thank you for answering my prayer for companionship - someone to talk about YOU with - you've sent Jessicker, Carol, Tyrone, Ed, Patrick, and Sayre.... I am full and immeasurably blessed.
Lord, I pray for discipline. Help me to stop being such a sloth- lazy- not getting up to work out. Not eating well.
God, please light my steps- show me what I should and shouldn't do. Guard my lips. Keep me. Help me to EDIFY the brethren. Help me to speak truth and not lies. Help me not to speak badly of the "cult", but thank you for confirmation that it IS a cult...so much that they do is similar to this website that you pointed me to through a conversation with one of yours, today: http://www.reveal.org/
Okay... it's late...gotta go to bed.
Today Hebrews kicked my butt... STUDY HEBREWS MORE... it explains things clearly!
I also am asking for light on the lion of Judah.
LORD, HELP ME. I'm a despicable mess.
Help me. Rescue me from myself. Place me on a firm foundation. My iniquities no longer control me... I am a slave to righteousness now, NOT sin. What does that MEAN? I must worship in spirit and in truth.... does worshiping cleanse me? Obedience? I must be pure... can I really be pure? Can I be pure in the flesh or is it only by being baptized into Christ because I'm pure when I'm covered by the blood. Drink his blood and eat his flesh?? Tell me more about that. What did I read in Hebrews that made me wonder about that and about the Catholic's transubstantiation.... hm. Can't find it. I might have made it up in my head. :)
Okay. to bed. xo
Please pray and tell me what you see in regards to me going to serve in an orphanage in Mutai, Uganda for 3 months this fall. I believe God has been knocking on my heart about it and today I was given the opportunity to live there and manage the orphanage at no cost to me (except getting over there).
Mutai is where the church I worshipped in is and where my translator/pastor is from.
"hints"= In the past week and a half I have had:
*1 letter in the mail with a random insert about Africa
*1 person say "and we have starving kids in Africa" to me (out of no where- I had to say "WHAT DID YOU SAY???" because it freaked me out and felt very Godbreathed).
*1 random email from a youth leader in Uganda asking me what was up
*1 random email from someone I've never heard of in Uganda introducing himself to me
*A non-Christian with an amazing heart offer to care for Rue if I went to Africa
*An experience during corporate worship where we were asked what God was telling us to do that we weren't doing and I thought "go to Africa"
*Offered a place to live for free and work in the orphanage that I SHOULD have helped during its founding (I was supposed to be there earlier this year and didn't go for who knows what reason (Satan?)!! I can't even remember- it's terrible. Obviously NOT a great excuse.
*I had a group of people in my church pray over me for direction a week and a half ago and all this has happened since then.
Not to mention the fact that a couple weeks ago I began knowing that my time here was coming to an end, but was waiting on God's revelation for my next step (job, etc.).
Crazytimes, I know.
This would only be a 3 month deal- I've been here over 3 months now, so it will fly.
I'm asking you because I know you will pray in the Spirit (and not worry / contemplate pros and cons in the flesh). Please pray and let me know your thoughts.
And DOUBLE PLEASE let me know if there's anything I can help pray for you about.
Thanks Sayre. I love you.
<3
There is much "moving" drama going on.
Le'Anna is being a tyrant to my sister (she was going to kick her to the curb last week because her son left toys in the living room)... she has already chased out one roommate. It's not good. Today she told me that I couldn't come back to my OWN house for 2-3 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa.... nuts.
I'm still a pharisee. I see myself expecting people to think something of me when I say that I am going to go work at an orphanage in Africa. I want them to think I'm good.
I'm not good.
I'm bad.
Despicable and bad.
But God.
GOD is GOOD... INCREDIBLE and GOOD!
He somehow LOVES me and has given me such grace and blessing and allows me to know and love Him.... and God, PLEASE transform me- help me to love you MORE... take away my stony heart and give me a new heart...a new wineskin. Teach me who you are so that I can worship you in spirit and in truth!
Father, you are AMAZING! Thank you for my students here. Thank you for Tyrone- I pray (if I may) that he will send me another letter and that I didn't scare him off. I pray for you to teach us both who you are- deeply- help us to drink of You so that we might eat of Jesus flesh and drink of his blood <-- and please teach me what that means.
God, thank you for answering my prayer for direction.
Thank you for answering my prayer for companionship - someone to talk about YOU with - you've sent Jessicker, Carol, Tyrone, Ed, Patrick, and Sayre.... I am full and immeasurably blessed.
Lord, I pray for discipline. Help me to stop being such a sloth- lazy- not getting up to work out. Not eating well.
God, please light my steps- show me what I should and shouldn't do. Guard my lips. Keep me. Help me to EDIFY the brethren. Help me to speak truth and not lies. Help me not to speak badly of the "cult", but thank you for confirmation that it IS a cult...so much that they do is similar to this website that you pointed me to through a conversation with one of yours, today: http://www.reveal.org/
Okay... it's late...gotta go to bed.
Today Hebrews kicked my butt... STUDY HEBREWS MORE... it explains things clearly!
I also am asking for light on the lion of Judah.
LORD, HELP ME. I'm a despicable mess.
Help me. Rescue me from myself. Place me on a firm foundation. My iniquities no longer control me... I am a slave to righteousness now, NOT sin. What does that MEAN? I must worship in spirit and in truth.... does worshiping cleanse me? Obedience? I must be pure... can I really be pure? Can I be pure in the flesh or is it only by being baptized into Christ because I'm pure when I'm covered by the blood. Drink his blood and eat his flesh?? Tell me more about that. What did I read in Hebrews that made me wonder about that and about the Catholic's transubstantiation.... hm. Can't find it. I might have made it up in my head. :)
Okay. to bed. xo
Monday, August 15, 2011
Angel
Thanks be to God for sending me a real-live angel (messenger) tonight!! It was a gift from God and filled me with His presence as I felt the movement of the Holy Spirit! It was aaaamazing and I can't describe it- but I know it was the Lord comforting me and reminding me that I am not alone and that He is with me.
The angel's name is Dennis. I must pray for Dennis.
After he said "Peace be with me".... it was.
Lord, you amaze me.
The angel's name is Dennis. I must pray for Dennis.
After he said "Peace be with me".... it was.
Lord, you amaze me.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
WHO ARE THEY?
Are they ONE?
WHO is CHRIST?
I am IN Christ?
I am baptized into Christ?
Jesus is the second Adam?
IS he Adam reincarnated?
Who is the Father? Abraham?
God the Father?
Is Abraham God?
Is the Holy Spirit God's Spirit?
Is the Holy Spirit the breath of God?
Comforter... Teacher... Counselor.
Jesus is in the Father and we are in Jesus and He is in us (John 14:20, I think)... I think about this a lot.
Then there is the Spirit of Christ, right?
(I'm just ranting all this... not being careful... just getting some of my questions out of my head.)
Did Christ sin? If Jesus was Adam then ADAM definitely sinned...and then, what? Did Jesus have to come back and live a clean life to atone for Adam's sins? By doing that did he make us holy and justified in the sight of God. Our sins were erased because by the OT law, there was a blood sacrifice that covered them (assuming our sin is the result of Adam's sin). So even though we are still in sinful bodies, our sin no longer exists if we are in Christ because Adam's sins were atoned for by Jesus who IS Adam who IS the Christ who is the Son of God?
Ack!
Abraham.
The Father. Isaac was his Son. Jesus was the seed of Abraham though, right? (Gal 3:16, I think.)
Elohyim = plural "gods/magistrates" = Genesis 1. "us"
Ahhhhh!
The Word became flesh. The word= logos= the utterance of God. God SPOKE the world into existence. Spirit (pneuma, psuche, nephesh) all = BREATH.
The Alpha and the Omega
Before Abraham, I AM??? - Jesus WHAT IS THAT about??
Lord, teach me, but keep me sane... I desire to follow You alone... I desire to give all of me to You... I need not exist but for your glory. God, let me pour myself out so that You might use me as a vessel for your glory. (I just noticed that I asked you to keep me sane... I didn't mean that... if you want to make me insane and it is Your will, I will Your will. Please make me a vessel for honor though- I pray for more grace and that You would save me and wash me clean. I pray that I would be a good example of a Christian... named after Christ... and today I sped and had a bad attitude and I got SOOOO prideful for knowing those easy-to-know verses. God, I'm NOT okay... I'm NOT acceptable in Your sight. Please cleanse me and purify me and make me holy.
Lord, I desire a human man. I was going to say 'it is a sin to want companionship', but is it? Have you created me this way? It was definitely a sin to get divorced and so this is the consequence of that horrific sin. I'm an adulteress.
Lord, wash me clean.
Have Your way.
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Teach me to love You and others perfectly.
Amen
p.s. God, thank you for the possible revelation about how Jesus atoned for Adam's sins= freeing us from our sin. Please send confirmation. Amen!
Are they ONE?
WHO is CHRIST?
I am IN Christ?
I am baptized into Christ?
Jesus is the second Adam?
IS he Adam reincarnated?
Who is the Father? Abraham?
God the Father?
Is Abraham God?
Is the Holy Spirit God's Spirit?
Is the Holy Spirit the breath of God?
Comforter... Teacher... Counselor.
Jesus is in the Father and we are in Jesus and He is in us (John 14:20, I think)... I think about this a lot.
Then there is the Spirit of Christ, right?
(I'm just ranting all this... not being careful... just getting some of my questions out of my head.)
Did Christ sin? If Jesus was Adam then ADAM definitely sinned...and then, what? Did Jesus have to come back and live a clean life to atone for Adam's sins? By doing that did he make us holy and justified in the sight of God. Our sins were erased because by the OT law, there was a blood sacrifice that covered them (assuming our sin is the result of Adam's sin). So even though we are still in sinful bodies, our sin no longer exists if we are in Christ because Adam's sins were atoned for by Jesus who IS Adam who IS the Christ who is the Son of God?
Ack!
Abraham.
The Father. Isaac was his Son. Jesus was the seed of Abraham though, right? (Gal 3:16, I think.)
Elohyim = plural "gods/magistrates" = Genesis 1. "us"
Ahhhhh!
The Word became flesh. The word= logos= the utterance of God. God SPOKE the world into existence. Spirit (pneuma, psuche, nephesh) all = BREATH.
The Alpha and the Omega
Before Abraham, I AM??? - Jesus WHAT IS THAT about??
Lord, teach me, but keep me sane... I desire to follow You alone... I desire to give all of me to You... I need not exist but for your glory. God, let me pour myself out so that You might use me as a vessel for your glory. (I just noticed that I asked you to keep me sane... I didn't mean that... if you want to make me insane and it is Your will, I will Your will. Please make me a vessel for honor though- I pray for more grace and that You would save me and wash me clean. I pray that I would be a good example of a Christian... named after Christ... and today I sped and had a bad attitude and I got SOOOO prideful for knowing those easy-to-know verses. God, I'm NOT okay... I'm NOT acceptable in Your sight. Please cleanse me and purify me and make me holy.
Lord, I desire a human man. I was going to say 'it is a sin to want companionship', but is it? Have you created me this way? It was definitely a sin to get divorced and so this is the consequence of that horrific sin. I'm an adulteress.
Lord, wash me clean.
Have Your way.
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Teach me to love You and others perfectly.
Amen
p.s. God, thank you for the possible revelation about how Jesus atoned for Adam's sins= freeing us from our sin. Please send confirmation. Amen!
Back in Confusion
Here's an email that I was GOING TO send to my e-friend, Jessicker, who I found through Brother Micah's mesasge board. I didn't send anything other than the first question about whether or not she's going to heaven. I decided to post the rest of it in my blog so you can see where my head is (or isn't) today - Saturday, August 13, 2011.
***
If you die today are you going to heaven?
I don't know how to REST in the Lord (how can I rest if I'm a DEAD girl walking?)! I am saved by believing...and I believe... I think I believed MORE when I wasn't seeing all the stuff about having to walk in holiness....or maybe I was just more relaxed so I didn't care? I know that my flesh is sinful- I am inherently sinful (selfish, prideful, etc.) but I believe that by walking in the Spirit, God will sanctify me. Does that mean I'm not saved until I'm sanctified??
I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised him from the dead (Rom 10:9). I also believe God can, by His grace (the divine influence on the heart and its reflection in the life), raise ME from the dead. Isn't that a PROCESS though? So am I saved today or do I need to get to the end of the race and have kept the faith and endured without sinning?
I used to believe that my spirit testified with the Spirit of God that I am His child (Rom 8:16) and that I had the seal of the Holy Spirit on my heart (Eph 1:13-14). But how can that be if I am sinful (in sinful flesh)?
I have been deceived one way or the other. Either I was coddled into false security thinking that by my faith I was [instantly] saved OR I am deceived now into thinking that I am NOT saved until I reach a state of holiness.
Can you help?
BTW, I went to a "megachurch" tonight and it MESSSSSED with me. They were doing baptisms and I allllllmost went up- my heart was pounding and I'm not sure if it was God or an evil one prompting me. (I haven't been baptized since my true "awakening", which I THOUGHT was my "regeneration" in January 2, 2011 and I think that was the actual/true time that I was "saved" and I would LOVE to PROCLAIM it... or as they said "make an outward profession of an inward change".) I didn't have complete peace though so I decided to crack open my Bible and read Jer 4:23a ("...wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved...") and for a second I thought by getting into the big tub I'd "wash my sins" (silly, I know). --> Anyway, I heard the pastor asking people- "If you died today, do you know where you are going?" and I realized that my answer would no longer line up with what they wanted to hear (or what I would have said before).
I also saw how this place was a shrine unto itself... an abomination to the Lord. They talked about themselves and patted themselves on the back. I think Satan uses those places to get people in there and put them to sleep (spiritual slumber). On the other hand, I was awakened through a church like that, so I don't know- maybe good DOES come out of there because it makes people think about God and teaches them how to seek Him. What do you think??
I want SO badly to go back to my home and church in NC but I'm prettttttty sure that that was my "Egypt" that God rescued me from, so why am I trying to go back like the Isrealites did? I'm lonely and desire fellowship and growth and I LOVE the praise and worship and my friends who love God (but I think they are following the doctrine/fables of men (2 Tim 4:4, Eph 4:14)). I'm also scared that the "cult" people were right in saying that what I thought was the Holy Spirit wasn't. I think I DO have the HS guiding me, but I think what I think is the HS is an angel of light that creates feeeeeeeelings. I miss the feeeeeeeelings that I get in my big church. I believe I hear from God and that it brings me closer to the Father's heart but what if that's all hogwash. I'm so messed up.
I want to rest, but I don't want to if I'm walking around dead. This is just too much too fast (I prayed for it- it's my fault- and I keep digging (e-sword) but then I see two different meanings in many scriptures... or deeper meanings that just make me more "head-y" and make me try harder to "figure out" the truth!!!
UGH!
This is a rant. Respond to what you want to/can. Right now I trust you because you seem to be both "in the Spirit" and "in the Word"... that's where I want to be.
Thanks for listening!
Carissa
***
If you die today are you going to heaven?
I don't know how to REST in the Lord (how can I rest if I'm a DEAD girl walking?)! I am saved by believing...and I believe... I think I believed MORE when I wasn't seeing all the stuff about having to walk in holiness....or maybe I was just more relaxed so I didn't care? I know that my flesh is sinful- I am inherently sinful (selfish, prideful, etc.) but I believe that by walking in the Spirit, God will sanctify me. Does that mean I'm not saved until I'm sanctified??
I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised him from the dead (Rom 10:9). I also believe God can, by His grace (the divine influence on the heart and its reflection in the life), raise ME from the dead. Isn't that a PROCESS though? So am I saved today or do I need to get to the end of the race and have kept the faith and endured without sinning?
I used to believe that my spirit testified with the Spirit of God that I am His child (Rom 8:16) and that I had the seal of the Holy Spirit on my heart (Eph 1:13-14). But how can that be if I am sinful (in sinful flesh)?
I have been deceived one way or the other. Either I was coddled into false security thinking that by my faith I was [instantly] saved OR I am deceived now into thinking that I am NOT saved until I reach a state of holiness.
Can you help?
BTW, I went to a "megachurch" tonight and it MESSSSSED with me. They were doing baptisms and I allllllmost went up- my heart was pounding and I'm not sure if it was God or an evil one prompting me. (I haven't been baptized since my true "awakening", which I THOUGHT was my "regeneration" in January 2, 2011 and I think that was the actual/true time that I was "saved" and I would LOVE to PROCLAIM it... or as they said "make an outward profession of an inward change".) I didn't have complete peace though so I decided to crack open my Bible and read Jer 4:23a ("...wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved...") and for a second I thought by getting into the big tub I'd "wash my sins" (silly, I know). --> Anyway, I heard the pastor asking people- "If you died today, do you know where you are going?" and I realized that my answer would no longer line up with what they wanted to hear (or what I would have said before).
I also saw how this place was a shrine unto itself... an abomination to the Lord. They talked about themselves and patted themselves on the back. I think Satan uses those places to get people in there and put them to sleep (spiritual slumber). On the other hand, I was awakened through a church like that, so I don't know- maybe good DOES come out of there because it makes people think about God and teaches them how to seek Him. What do you think??
I want SO badly to go back to my home and church in NC but I'm prettttttty sure that that was my "Egypt" that God rescued me from, so why am I trying to go back like the Isrealites did? I'm lonely and desire fellowship and growth and I LOVE the praise and worship and my friends who love God (but I think they are following the doctrine/fables of men (2 Tim 4:4, Eph 4:14)). I'm also scared that the "cult" people were right in saying that what I thought was the Holy Spirit wasn't. I think I DO have the HS guiding me, but I think what I think is the HS is an angel of light that creates feeeeeeeelings. I miss the feeeeeeeelings that I get in my big church. I believe I hear from God and that it brings me closer to the Father's heart but what if that's all hogwash. I'm so messed up.
I want to rest, but I don't want to if I'm walking around dead. This is just too much too fast (I prayed for it- it's my fault- and I keep digging (e-sword) but then I see two different meanings in many scriptures... or deeper meanings that just make me more "head-y" and make me try harder to "figure out" the truth!!!
UGH!
This is a rant. Respond to what you want to/can. Right now I trust you because you seem to be both "in the Spirit" and "in the Word"... that's where I want to be.
Thanks for listening!
Carissa
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Fallen from grace
"Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace." Galatians 5:4
I fell from grace.
By the grace of God I am - I believe - back under grace in the Spirit.
If I am under the law, then I am not under grace. I was under the law in the cult. I was trying to EARN my way to heaven by my works- by "killing my flesh/sin nature"... not possible... "are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?" Gal 3:3 "...by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified" Gal 2:16.
*In a few minutes I have a phone meeting with "Messenger Micah" (an evangelist (often on college campuses) that I found online- apparently he causes quite the stir) - we talked for a bit on the phone earlier... he is of the "saved people don't sin" camp. I think I'm of that "camp" too. ..."walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." Gal 5:16
This weekend has been a primarily GALATIANS weekend. Tomorrow I am meeting with a guy - Brian - who I was e-introduced to through Dom (who Mark warned a few months ago to STAY AWAY from, but I don't trust Mark, so I'm meeting with him). He suggested I read Galatians and he was going to do his research on it too. I have only broken down the first two chapters, but I've listened to it twice, read it in the NLT once, read most of it (piecemeal) in the KJV, and I'll read it again in full tonight in the KJV, AND God gave me a sermon on an important piece of it today at Harry's church! WOW!! God is SOOO awesome. GOD ordained this Galatians weekend- and I have found freedom from the bondage that I put myself in (I became a slave to the law and counted Christ's sacrifice for me for naught- essentially spitting in the face of the one who SAVES. I am saved by FAITH - Abraham was saved by faith. Jesus is Abraham's SEED. (I love Gal 3:16) I am saved by believing that I am saved...looking forward to the day that I will have eternal life. Faith. Hope. Love.)
Anyway... I'm feeling better... glad to be free. I think God will move me soon.
I may go to Dallas for a while to help out Braden and Yas. I may also go to Uganda to volunteer in Veronika's orphanage. I may also go volunteer at the flower shop with Steve. God, YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!!!!
I fell from grace.
By the grace of God I am - I believe - back under grace in the Spirit.
If I am under the law, then I am not under grace. I was under the law in the cult. I was trying to EARN my way to heaven by my works- by "killing my flesh/sin nature"... not possible... "are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?" Gal 3:3 "...by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified" Gal 2:16.
*In a few minutes I have a phone meeting with "Messenger Micah" (an evangelist (often on college campuses) that I found online- apparently he causes quite the stir) - we talked for a bit on the phone earlier... he is of the "saved people don't sin" camp. I think I'm of that "camp" too. ..."walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." Gal 5:16
This weekend has been a primarily GALATIANS weekend. Tomorrow I am meeting with a guy - Brian - who I was e-introduced to through Dom (who Mark warned a few months ago to STAY AWAY from, but I don't trust Mark, so I'm meeting with him). He suggested I read Galatians and he was going to do his research on it too. I have only broken down the first two chapters, but I've listened to it twice, read it in the NLT once, read most of it (piecemeal) in the KJV, and I'll read it again in full tonight in the KJV, AND God gave me a sermon on an important piece of it today at Harry's church! WOW!! God is SOOO awesome. GOD ordained this Galatians weekend- and I have found freedom from the bondage that I put myself in (I became a slave to the law and counted Christ's sacrifice for me for naught- essentially spitting in the face of the one who SAVES. I am saved by FAITH - Abraham was saved by faith. Jesus is Abraham's SEED. (I love Gal 3:16) I am saved by believing that I am saved...looking forward to the day that I will have eternal life. Faith. Hope. Love.)
Anyway... I'm feeling better... glad to be free. I think God will move me soon.
I may go to Dallas for a while to help out Braden and Yas. I may also go to Uganda to volunteer in Veronika's orphanage. I may also go volunteer at the flower shop with Steve. God, YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
me
Here's a picture of me today:
Here's a picture of me a few months ago:
I shouldn't have listened to Jen to eat all the CRAP.... or should I? She DID help break the SHAME associated with food (though the shame demon wants to come back now)... I need to take control of it - whatever demon it is that fuels this - the food idolatry demon (?) - but I need GOD through the power of His HOLY SPIRIT to help me!
And for the record, look!! See what I did up there?? I'm blaming JEN for what I did. I KNEW that I shouldn't eat processed foods... I KNOW that God wants me to eat 6 small meals a day of food from the EARTH.... but I, CARISSA, am DISOBEDIENT. I listened to MAN (Jen)... and while I think she had an inkling of some sort of psycho-sabotage me motive buried deep inside her (I'll never prove it, I just sensed it when she kept encouraging me to eat cookies and junk- she KNOWS that's not good. There was something evil there.).... anyway... I think on the surface and as far as she knowingly was concerned, she WAS trying to help me. I just needed to help MYSELF. (Yes You're right. Lord, I forgive Jen. Help me to forget it and take responsibility for my own actions/ rebellion/ disobedience/ idolatry/ desires... I wanted the cookie more than I wanted to be obedient or healthy or please you. God, I believe- HELP MY UNBELIEF!)
I digress (on yet ANOTHER self-centered Carissa rant...even if it DID end up being to God) ... But Carissa, STOP BEING SO STUCK ON YOURSELF!!!!
a-hem.
Also, to be fair, I just snapped that picture of me when I'm sooooo tired and it's late and my hair looks weird (but it IS falling out, so it's NOT healthy). Maaaan. :(
BTW, that nice picture was taken in late April or early May (during my juice fast) - LOOK at how at PEACE I look!! And this [ugly] one was taken today (8/2). Three months... what a difference. wow.
***
LOOK at this Carissa!
STOP BURYING YOUR HEAD in the sand like an OSTRICH!!!!
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF!!!!
(Hopin' for some godly sorrow to kick in!(2 Cor 7:10)) <-- I am making light of it, but it's nothing to be making light of. This is serious.
Goodnight for real.
<3
Here's a picture of me a few months ago:
See what cults do to people???
I shouldn't have listened to Jen to eat all the CRAP.... or should I? She DID help break the SHAME associated with food (though the shame demon wants to come back now)... I need to take control of it - whatever demon it is that fuels this - the food idolatry demon (?) - but I need GOD through the power of His HOLY SPIRIT to help me!
And for the record, look!! See what I did up there?? I'm blaming JEN for what I did. I KNEW that I shouldn't eat processed foods... I KNOW that God wants me to eat 6 small meals a day of food from the EARTH.... but I, CARISSA, am DISOBEDIENT. I listened to MAN (Jen)... and while I think she had an inkling of some sort of psycho-sabotage me motive buried deep inside her (I'll never prove it, I just sensed it when she kept encouraging me to eat cookies and junk- she KNOWS that's not good. There was something evil there.).... anyway... I think on the surface and as far as she knowingly was concerned, she WAS trying to help me. I just needed to help MYSELF. (Yes You're right. Lord, I forgive Jen. Help me to forget it and take responsibility for my own actions/ rebellion/ disobedience/ idolatry/ desires... I wanted the cookie more than I wanted to be obedient or healthy or please you. God, I believe- HELP MY UNBELIEF!)
I digress (on yet ANOTHER self-centered Carissa rant...even if it DID end up being to God) ... But Carissa, STOP BEING SO STUCK ON YOURSELF!!!!
a-hem.
Also, to be fair, I just snapped that picture of me when I'm sooooo tired and it's late and my hair looks weird (but it IS falling out, so it's NOT healthy). Maaaan. :(
BTW, that nice picture was taken in late April or early May (during my juice fast) - LOOK at how at PEACE I look!! And this [ugly] one was taken today (8/2). Three months... what a difference. wow.
***
LOOK at this Carissa!
STOP BURYING YOUR HEAD in the sand like an OSTRICH!!!!
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF!!!!
(Hopin' for some godly sorrow to kick in!(2 Cor 7:10)) <-- I am making light of it, but it's nothing to be making light of. This is serious.
Goodnight for real.
<3
I worship another god
I bow down to the god of my belly... I worship food... I worship taste and selfishness and grease and sugar.
Exodus 20:2 "I am the LORD they God, which have brougth thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage."
Exodus 20:3 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."
I'm an idolator in the worst way. I worship food. I worship the experience of eating. I worship the taste. I worship the hatred of myself that fuels me to eat until I'm sick. I worship my self. I am spitting in God's face when I do this.
Tonight I ate a whole Turkish pizza from Ephesus. It might have been a meal for one, but it was too much and I was VERY full but KEPT eating. I couldn't put it down.
I disgust myself. Is it enough to STOP KILLING myself? Is the shame of eating like that in front of other people enough to shame me into repentance? I need some GODLY SORROW!!! God, HELP ME! GRANT ME REPENTANCE!! (2 Cor 7:10)
I have so much to repent of.
God, help me follow You.
My heart is Yours... I exist ONLY for You... help me not to do things for ME... help me to die to myself so that YOU might live.
Father, thank you for these experiences.... for walking me through this cult and through the loneliness and isolation and confusion.... I know You are with me. I know You guide me. I pray that you break my rebellion and humble me so that I will follow YOU. God, You are my only.
Amen.
Thank you.
I love You Lord....or I'm beginning to. I thought it wasn't possible to love you... not REAL love. I thought I needed the Holy Spirit to love You THROUGH me... but You are teaching me to love You and I can't do anything else unless I love You.... and I CAN only love You if You, through grace, grant me the ability to love You. I am nothing without You Lord <-- that's a lyric from some song and also completely true. "Without You I am nothing" <-- ah. THAT is the song lyric. Still true. :)
Tomorrow- SPIN at the Bellevue Y. (Sad that I have to leave Bootcamp and Power Sculpt at the Wexford Y...I really liked Cathy... I don't want to deal with Mark and Lori though, so I will oblige and move out of the way.)
Also, let me actually re-write what I wrote in my journal today (if it's any good. I haven't re-read it, but I have a sense that it was good so I want to put it here too).
Mmmm... yep. That WAS pretty deep, but I'm sure it looks kooky here. It does. But I'll leave it for now anyway. :)
I think my point is that I have to undo all the sin that I've done in my life... this is the path of life... I've BEEN walking AWAY from the Garden of Eden (where the TREE OF LIFE resides). In order to get BACK there so that I can have eternal life, I need to REPENT (turn) and walk the OTHER WAY... walk AWAY from all my sin. I have to UNDO all that I did. I have to face and crucify all my sin. I get that. That makes sense.
There is a dude with a sword guarding the gate to the Garden too... what is that? WHO is that? What is the stumbling block? Jesus?! Belief? God... show me the truth... JESUS is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... no one comes to YOU except by HIM. (John 14:6) Show me who Jesus is. And who the TWO anointed people - PEOPLE???? - are. GOD, help me to follow YOU alone! I am HERE for You. You brought me here.... help me to BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK (2 Chron 28:10).
Let's quote the whole 1 Chronicles 28:9-10... I LOVE this:
"And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all heart, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee: but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever. Take heed now: for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do it."
I am Solomon... sans the wisdom! :) <--j/k, I actually think God is answering my prayer for wisdom. Lord, I pray for wisdom and understanding and discernment that will help me follow You more effectively and with a pure heart.
Okay... time to get ready for bed!
<3
Exodus 20:2 "I am the LORD they God, which have brougth thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage."
Exodus 20:3 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."
I'm an idolator in the worst way. I worship food. I worship the experience of eating. I worship the taste. I worship the hatred of myself that fuels me to eat until I'm sick. I worship my self. I am spitting in God's face when I do this.
Tonight I ate a whole Turkish pizza from Ephesus. It might have been a meal for one, but it was too much and I was VERY full but KEPT eating. I couldn't put it down.
I disgust myself. Is it enough to STOP KILLING myself? Is the shame of eating like that in front of other people enough to shame me into repentance? I need some GODLY SORROW!!! God, HELP ME! GRANT ME REPENTANCE!! (2 Cor 7:10)
I have so much to repent of.
God, help me follow You.
My heart is Yours... I exist ONLY for You... help me not to do things for ME... help me to die to myself so that YOU might live.
Father, thank you for these experiences.... for walking me through this cult and through the loneliness and isolation and confusion.... I know You are with me. I know You guide me. I pray that you break my rebellion and humble me so that I will follow YOU. God, You are my only.
Amen.
Thank you.
I love You Lord....or I'm beginning to. I thought it wasn't possible to love you... not REAL love. I thought I needed the Holy Spirit to love You THROUGH me... but You are teaching me to love You and I can't do anything else unless I love You.... and I CAN only love You if You, through grace, grant me the ability to love You. I am nothing without You Lord <-- that's a lyric from some song and also completely true. "Without You I am nothing" <-- ah. THAT is the song lyric. Still true. :)
Tomorrow- SPIN at the Bellevue Y. (Sad that I have to leave Bootcamp and Power Sculpt at the Wexford Y...I really liked Cathy... I don't want to deal with Mark and Lori though, so I will oblige and move out of the way.)
Also, let me actually re-write what I wrote in my journal today (if it's any good. I haven't re-read it, but I have a sense that it was good so I want to put it here too).
It's a RACE backwards!!
Race [death/flesh] to the finish line which is complete mortification of the flesh... + carnal desires, etc...
I have to turn all my sin inside out... and go back down the path to the garden...the end of the race.
The crown of life.
It IS possible
This is a pearl to be buried in a field and I must sell everything to buy that field!
Don't throw my pearls to pigs. They don't get it. Mmmm... yep. That WAS pretty deep, but I'm sure it looks kooky here. It does. But I'll leave it for now anyway. :)
I think my point is that I have to undo all the sin that I've done in my life... this is the path of life... I've BEEN walking AWAY from the Garden of Eden (where the TREE OF LIFE resides). In order to get BACK there so that I can have eternal life, I need to REPENT (turn) and walk the OTHER WAY... walk AWAY from all my sin. I have to UNDO all that I did. I have to face and crucify all my sin. I get that. That makes sense.
There is a dude with a sword guarding the gate to the Garden too... what is that? WHO is that? What is the stumbling block? Jesus?! Belief? God... show me the truth... JESUS is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... no one comes to YOU except by HIM. (John 14:6) Show me who Jesus is. And who the TWO anointed people - PEOPLE???? - are. GOD, help me to follow YOU alone! I am HERE for You. You brought me here.... help me to BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK (2 Chron 28:10).
Let's quote the whole 1 Chronicles 28:9-10... I LOVE this:
"And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all heart, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee: but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever. Take heed now: for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do it."
I am Solomon... sans the wisdom! :) <--j/k, I actually think God is answering my prayer for wisdom. Lord, I pray for wisdom and understanding and discernment that will help me follow You more effectively and with a pure heart.
Okay... time to get ready for bed!
<3
Monday, August 1, 2011
Prayers
Just read this prayer that I wrote on April 21st:
Lord, I pray for more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may honor and please you and grow and so that my life produces fruit (Col 1:9-10). I pray for the cares of this life- of my flesh- of my soul (my will, mind, and emotion) to be STRIPPED away. I pray for complete submission to the Holy Spirit and for strengthened intuition so that I may follow, worship, and fellowship with You in a manner worthy of being your child! I pray to be a martyr- that I would die for my testimony about Jesus (Rev 20:4). I pray that today (and everyday) I would DIE to all the things of this world. You have taken my sin already- it was crucified on the cross with Jesus - let me walk in that freedom. I pray that I would continuously- every day - multiple times a day - put my SELF (my heart, mind, soul, and strength) on the altar. All my desires... my cravings... my dreams... my plans, expectations, experiences... my EVERYTHING... I lay it on your altar Lord. Have your way with this new [wo]man... Teach me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Fill me....FOR YOU. Amen.
WHO WAS that girl and WHERE did she GO and HOW DO I GET HER BACK???
Let me try praying now and see what happens:
God, please help me. I can't even pray anymore. I'm lost. I confused. I don't even know who you are. I don't even WANT wisdom anymore... I want SANITY. I pray for direction. I pray for steadfastness. I pray for my panic attacks to go away. I pray for protection from the curses. I pray for direction. Did I ask you for direction yet? I am GRATEFUL for this place... for Bellevue and this job and this opportunity. God, I've failed though. I've failed. I couldn't bring the light into the cult, nor did I GET any light FROM the cult... It was a wash. I have dismantled the work You've done in me and now I have to start afresh... but I don't even know where to start. FEAR GOD and OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS. That's all I've got... and that JESUS is the CORNERSTONE. But besides that, I'm lost... I don't see that Jesus is the Son of God except that CHRIST is the Son of God and Jesus is the Christ... Jesus Christ, so He IS God... but God is God and Christ is IN God... see.... the IN's and THROUGH's - fixed position IN and CHANNEL and UNTOs...they mess with me. I don't know. I see that Jesus is the second Adam. Is Jesus Adam? Are there reincarnations of sorts? What is the spirit? Do people's spirits go in and out of people? How on earth did Saul get Samuel to come back through a medium? Did Jesus really crucify his sin nature... is there ORIGINAL SIN in us... are we sinful naturally and Jesus "killed the sin" in himself...died to himself... and what's the BAFFLING WIND... is that going backwards? Do we have to go backwards to get to the Garden of Eden... and in the Garden of Eden is that where the eternal life is? The tree of life. And what is fruit? Is it righteous character? And do we EAT fruit? What is eating the fruit of sin? How did Eve sin? Who is Eve? How does marriage work? How come the whole Old Testament reminds me of Jesus? I see Him over and over. Am I a Son? Was my "regeneration" an awakening? Am I really being given this knowledge because I am seeking You or am I being lead by a deceptive Spirit?
Where is my SPARKELY and EMOTIONAL response to the Holy Spirit? Why have all my friends left me? Why is my hair falling out? God, MAKE ME STRONG. Make me want to focus only on YOU. I pray for the truth. I pray for the desire to pray. I pray for my friends- for Sayre- give her ears to hear. I pray for Le'Anna- for understanding and self-discipline - for Alicia, for thirst for more of you. For Mark, for Your Spirit to awaken him. For Jen- for her to be broken- for Joey, for humility and that he would see things as they are. For Lori to be broken and dependant on YOU. For Joe to be strong. For Doug to seek YOU. For CORIE, strength and thirst for righteousness. For Page safety. For Davin, draw Him to You. For my parents - for Dad, bring Him back. For Mom, bring her. For Braden and Yasmin- make a way. For Journey- I pray for the true Spirit of God- the Creator and Father of the Universe to fill the church and the people who serve with the Holy Spirit- guide them and use them for YOUR GLORY. I pray that none of us would be blind-guides... or if we are, that we would HONOR you in doing so.
God take the beam out of my eye. Purify me. Make me whole.
Give me the strength and the desire to do what is right.
I pray that you would keep Jessicker- help her to have her heart on You during her time in Canada. Be with Wendy- show her who YOU are... I pray against the demonic influence in her family and environment. Lord, draw Ken. Father, help me to be a FAITHFUL and GOOD and BOLD and TRUTHFUL representative of YOU... Help me to know you so that I can share who you REALLY ARE.
God, I pray for your Holy Spirit to impregnate me (not with a baby please- ha!), but in my heart... grow and shine and scrape out my sin and darkness.... make me holy. Save me from my self... from my flesh... from the enemy... from the world. Lord, I am nothing without you. Return to me (thank you needtobreathe).
Sleep.
Rest.
Sabbath.
I've gone mad, Lord.. Rescue me from me... I give all of me to You...and that which I am unwilling to give to you.... I will you that too. Please conform me into the image of your Son.... to Jesus... show me what that means. Lord, I believe... HELP MY UNBELIEF!
Amen.
I don't know which one was right.... I don't know. I'm lost.
Lord, I pray for more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may honor and please you and grow and so that my life produces fruit (Col 1:9-10). I pray for the cares of this life- of my flesh- of my soul (my will, mind, and emotion) to be STRIPPED away. I pray for complete submission to the Holy Spirit and for strengthened intuition so that I may follow, worship, and fellowship with You in a manner worthy of being your child! I pray to be a martyr- that I would die for my testimony about Jesus (Rev 20:4). I pray that today (and everyday) I would DIE to all the things of this world. You have taken my sin already- it was crucified on the cross with Jesus - let me walk in that freedom. I pray that I would continuously- every day - multiple times a day - put my SELF (my heart, mind, soul, and strength) on the altar. All my desires... my cravings... my dreams... my plans, expectations, experiences... my EVERYTHING... I lay it on your altar Lord. Have your way with this new [wo]man... Teach me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Fill me....FOR YOU. Amen.
WHO WAS that girl and WHERE did she GO and HOW DO I GET HER BACK???
Let me try praying now and see what happens:
God, please help me. I can't even pray anymore. I'm lost. I confused. I don't even know who you are. I don't even WANT wisdom anymore... I want SANITY. I pray for direction. I pray for steadfastness. I pray for my panic attacks to go away. I pray for protection from the curses. I pray for direction. Did I ask you for direction yet? I am GRATEFUL for this place... for Bellevue and this job and this opportunity. God, I've failed though. I've failed. I couldn't bring the light into the cult, nor did I GET any light FROM the cult... It was a wash. I have dismantled the work You've done in me and now I have to start afresh... but I don't even know where to start. FEAR GOD and OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS. That's all I've got... and that JESUS is the CORNERSTONE. But besides that, I'm lost... I don't see that Jesus is the Son of God except that CHRIST is the Son of God and Jesus is the Christ... Jesus Christ, so He IS God... but God is God and Christ is IN God... see.... the IN's and THROUGH's - fixed position IN and CHANNEL and UNTOs...they mess with me. I don't know. I see that Jesus is the second Adam. Is Jesus Adam? Are there reincarnations of sorts? What is the spirit? Do people's spirits go in and out of people? How on earth did Saul get Samuel to come back through a medium? Did Jesus really crucify his sin nature... is there ORIGINAL SIN in us... are we sinful naturally and Jesus "killed the sin" in himself...died to himself... and what's the BAFFLING WIND... is that going backwards? Do we have to go backwards to get to the Garden of Eden... and in the Garden of Eden is that where the eternal life is? The tree of life. And what is fruit? Is it righteous character? And do we EAT fruit? What is eating the fruit of sin? How did Eve sin? Who is Eve? How does marriage work? How come the whole Old Testament reminds me of Jesus? I see Him over and over. Am I a Son? Was my "regeneration" an awakening? Am I really being given this knowledge because I am seeking You or am I being lead by a deceptive Spirit?
Where is my SPARKELY and EMOTIONAL response to the Holy Spirit? Why have all my friends left me? Why is my hair falling out? God, MAKE ME STRONG. Make me want to focus only on YOU. I pray for the truth. I pray for the desire to pray. I pray for my friends- for Sayre- give her ears to hear. I pray for Le'Anna- for understanding and self-discipline - for Alicia, for thirst for more of you. For Mark, for Your Spirit to awaken him. For Jen- for her to be broken- for Joey, for humility and that he would see things as they are. For Lori to be broken and dependant on YOU. For Joe to be strong. For Doug to seek YOU. For CORIE, strength and thirst for righteousness. For Page safety. For Davin, draw Him to You. For my parents - for Dad, bring Him back. For Mom, bring her. For Braden and Yasmin- make a way. For Journey- I pray for the true Spirit of God- the Creator and Father of the Universe to fill the church and the people who serve with the Holy Spirit- guide them and use them for YOUR GLORY. I pray that none of us would be blind-guides... or if we are, that we would HONOR you in doing so.
God take the beam out of my eye. Purify me. Make me whole.
Give me the strength and the desire to do what is right.
I pray that you would keep Jessicker- help her to have her heart on You during her time in Canada. Be with Wendy- show her who YOU are... I pray against the demonic influence in her family and environment. Lord, draw Ken. Father, help me to be a FAITHFUL and GOOD and BOLD and TRUTHFUL representative of YOU... Help me to know you so that I can share who you REALLY ARE.
God, I pray for your Holy Spirit to impregnate me (not with a baby please- ha!), but in my heart... grow and shine and scrape out my sin and darkness.... make me holy. Save me from my self... from my flesh... from the enemy... from the world. Lord, I am nothing without you. Return to me (thank you needtobreathe).
Sleep.
Rest.
Sabbath.
I've gone mad, Lord.. Rescue me from me... I give all of me to You...and that which I am unwilling to give to you.... I will you that too. Please conform me into the image of your Son.... to Jesus... show me what that means. Lord, I believe... HELP MY UNBELIEF!
Amen.
I don't know which one was right.... I don't know. I'm lost.
I once was found, but now I'm lost
I said that in a prayer today and really loved it...
"I once was FOUND, but NOW I'm LOST."
On another - less serious/strenuous note:
Davin recommended a great movie which I watched as much as I could (I only have 2GB of data on my mobile hot spot, so I could only watch like 70%), but it was GREAT!! "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - it was mostly about juice fasting, so it was a bit nostalgic for me.
I loved my 40 day juice fast. I remember how GREAT I felt (weak, but I wasn't drinking enough), and after that movie, I am tempted to do it again! However, I'm kinda afraid that it was the juice fast that caused this whole thing I've done to my body....my hair falling out, lost my MIND, etc.
:(
Really, it's probably the fact that I went back to eating JUNK that my body is not happy... I remember feeling SO gooooood....and looking good....and being at peace.... even DAD complimented me!!
NOW I'm a hot mess.
I have been trying to figure out what to repent of... Alicia said "just repent"... but OF WHAT!
I realized that on either end of the "spiritual advisor" spectrum (in my world), I've got people who let me down. I've [re]become one of those people who have been "hurt" by the "church"... "clergy"...blahblahblah. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? By ME giving them too much "power"... too much "say".... THAT'S the problem!! However, let me document this for memory's sake:
Nice. Both of them... nice. (not)
I think God is just teaching me that MAN can't be relied upon. They will always let you down. I must rely on / look to GOD alone.
Sayre - my favorite of favorites - has even let me down. I've been asking her to call me since she was in Africa (and today I called her crying, and I begged her via g-chat and email to call me) and she hasn't. Total let down.
But God.
Lean not on my own understanding.
Trust Him.
It's not about me.
"Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt though serve" - Matt 4:10b
I have been reaching out to some people (left VM for Beverly) and talked to Alicia and to Le'Anna and sent email to Steve... and I am close to wanting to call Scott Schuler... but I see what I'm doing here... I'm trying to go to MAN. I'm scared. And instead of letting God protect me, I'm trying to sabotage what He is trying to teach me. I want man to coddle me and fix me up.... but I can't do that... I need to want God to do it....and I, Carissa, need to follow God's advice "BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK" (1 Chron 28:10).
I need to make good choices with eating (on my own)
I need to make good choices with exercise (on my own)
I need to make good choices with pride and bragging and self-righteousness (on my own)
BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK!!
Note: "on my own" means without HUMANS being my source of "approval", but instead having GOD as my SOURCE (of everything). I am incapable of turning my sinful flesh into anything useful for the Kingdom without the power of God through the Holy Spirit- so I must call on Him. HE is where my help comes from!!!
Pray.
I have serious trust issues.
I also have serious selfishness issues.
And serious laziness issues.
And serious pride issues.
And serious rebellion issues.... and control issues... and probably many more, but I just broke my pattern of hitting the enter button after an admission of issues and have now broken the spell. darn.
xo
"I once was FOUND, but NOW I'm LOST."
On another - less serious/strenuous note:
Davin recommended a great movie which I watched as much as I could (I only have 2GB of data on my mobile hot spot, so I could only watch like 70%), but it was GREAT!! "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - it was mostly about juice fasting, so it was a bit nostalgic for me.
I loved my 40 day juice fast. I remember how GREAT I felt (weak, but I wasn't drinking enough), and after that movie, I am tempted to do it again! However, I'm kinda afraid that it was the juice fast that caused this whole thing I've done to my body....my hair falling out, lost my MIND, etc.
:(
Really, it's probably the fact that I went back to eating JUNK that my body is not happy... I remember feeling SO gooooood....and looking good....and being at peace.... even DAD complimented me!!
NOW I'm a hot mess.
I have been trying to figure out what to repent of... Alicia said "just repent"... but OF WHAT!
I realized that on either end of the "spiritual advisor" spectrum (in my world), I've got people who let me down. I've [re]become one of those people who have been "hurt" by the "church"... "clergy"...blahblahblah. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? By ME giving them too much "power"... too much "say".... THAT'S the problem!! However, let me document this for memory's sake:
- [Spirit-led] Jimmy said I should get on psych meds (for a spiritual "problem") = NOT OKAY. (To be fair, my "spiritual problem" which was a desire to follow the Bible word-for-word DID ultimately lead me to join a cult.)
- Lori [of the Mysteries and Secrets] said that I didn't have the Holy Spirit in me and that my conversion/regeneration was probably just GAS and I was confused.
Nice. Both of them... nice. (not)
I think God is just teaching me that MAN can't be relied upon. They will always let you down. I must rely on / look to GOD alone.
Sayre - my favorite of favorites - has even let me down. I've been asking her to call me since she was in Africa (and today I called her crying, and I begged her via g-chat and email to call me) and she hasn't. Total let down.
But God.
Lean not on my own understanding.
Trust Him.
It's not about me.
"Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt though serve" - Matt 4:10b
I have been reaching out to some people (left VM for Beverly) and talked to Alicia and to Le'Anna and sent email to Steve... and I am close to wanting to call Scott Schuler... but I see what I'm doing here... I'm trying to go to MAN. I'm scared. And instead of letting God protect me, I'm trying to sabotage what He is trying to teach me. I want man to coddle me and fix me up.... but I can't do that... I need to want God to do it....and I, Carissa, need to follow God's advice "BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK" (1 Chron 28:10).
I need to make good choices with eating (on my own)
I need to make good choices with exercise (on my own)
I need to make good choices with pride and bragging and self-righteousness (on my own)
BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK!!
Note: "on my own" means without HUMANS being my source of "approval", but instead having GOD as my SOURCE (of everything). I am incapable of turning my sinful flesh into anything useful for the Kingdom without the power of God through the Holy Spirit- so I must call on Him. HE is where my help comes from!!!
Pray.
I have serious trust issues.
I also have serious selfishness issues.
And serious laziness issues.
And serious pride issues.
And serious rebellion issues.... and control issues... and probably many more, but I just broke my pattern of hitting the enter button after an admission of issues and have now broken the spell. darn.
xo
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Out of the cult
Well well well. <-- I don't know why I started with that... I just had it on the tip of my mind and thought I'd start this post (which I hope won't be too long because I have to go to bed) with it.
So I'm out of the cult.
I've had a week of freedom from the bible studies and spending time with the people that are in it (and I also think the fact that said cult-leader, Lori, was out of town tending to her Dad's kidney surgery and didn't have time to pray curses on me) helped me to be a little more spiritually free.
Now, because I have had this "freedom", I have also had tremendous temptation of the flesh... I just got my period today so the past few days have been days where I have been RAVENOUS for food- especially chocolate. It's terrible. I also didn't constrain myself as well as I should have. My flesh is weak.
I am really messed up. I don't feel rooted to anything or anyone. My entire system of belief has been rattled. This weekend I read the book "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. It was a GREAT book... I was hoping he would dig into/ have similar questions that I do about Christianity, but since he is Jewish, he primarily related to the Jewish customs, etc. It was a funny book- had me laughing out loud a lot... I also related to his search for truth.
I have been shaken by this group questioning my (a.) salvation (b.) experience with the Holy Spirit and (c.) walk. I think (a.) and (c.) are valid concerns.... (b.) I'm having trouble with.
I have definitely not been "in the Spirit" since I've been here and I feel like my life has been deadened. I don't feel connected to God or others... just cut off and lost.
I have gained a ton of weight.
Some days I feel very connected to the Bible, but the last couple days have been hard because I have been in sin (gluttony) and reading other literature... my sole focus hasn't been on God.
Also, I am talking negatively of this group.
A piece of me wants to rescue them still... I have talked to Joey's sister and given her insight and hopefully God will use that for good. I have also talked to Jen's mom and encouraged her - she is trapped in her body at a nursing home- can't do anything... but I know she heard and understood me encouraging her to believe. I prayed with/for her too. Jen doesn't believe. Jen believes Lori who has cursed her mom. It's sick and sad. There is none of the love of God in that situation.
They are OFF. They are prideful and judgmental and cruel.
I'm here for a reason.
God show me what YOU want me to do, learn, say, and where you want me to go.
Tonight I talked to Wendy for an hour on the phone... she reminded me about the hypocrisy in the churches and false Christians and lies and the demonic influence that fuels it all. She reminded me of the spiritual realm and the power that I won't even be able to comprehend. She reminded me of the lost and how I'm incapable of helping them.... but I am sure that God can... and He wants to use me... but He can't use me if I'm not a good example... but how will I be a good example if I am walking in sin?
Jessicker emailed me today a great email and reminded me of an example of how God chastened her and led her away from sin.... oh, I WANTED to tell you more but I'm tired...
The FACT is that I think I must find a balance. I must walk in the Spirit and obey the Word of truth... I don't think I'm supposed to sin...but that means that I must be obedient to God NOT to sin... He'll point it out and I must obey. I don't obey. I'm rebellious and I'm not worthy of the Kingdom... I DO put my hand to the plow and look back. I'm doubleminded and lost and I'm afraid that I'm in the weeds and won't find my way back.
God, HELP.
Help!!!!!
How do I get back??
Follow You.
Pray.
Obey.
And
1 John 3:4-9
Hebrews 10:26
What does Heb 9:28 mean? Break it down.
Go to bed!!!
* I'm back. I had to look it up...
Heb 9:28 So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.
Let me break it down:
salvation: rescue or safety (physically or morally): - deliver, health, salvation, save, saving.
*** Also, I didn't tell you about getting out of the "cult". <-- it's not very nice that I call it that. I am convinced it is one though because I believe that they are following false doctrine and an antichrist (who literally thinks of herself as a deity). I have been considering "stepping away" for a few days now and wrote an email to Jen last night but was sitting on it. Today I ran into her at her at the nursing home and she asked me about Ken and I can't lie so I told her that I went to that ex-offender's group again yesterday and brought a drugged Ken home afterwards. I got a call from Joey a few hours later... he called to "yell at me" about it and said that I was wasting everyone's time and pretty much told me not to come back. So I sent Jen the email... I don't know if she got it before or after they talked to Mark who texted me this mean text saying:
"Joey told me u hung out wth ken wile he wz high. Any1 wth common sense wouldnt. Go ur way do wotevr pleases u on a whim and stay away frm us at the ymca. How dare u blaspheme the HS in lori. U r makn judgmnts based on 2 mnths. Leave me and my friends at work alone too. You are the most judgmental person ive ever met. Stay away!"
Pretty clear, aye! :) I'm amazed at how he flipped everything around. That I'm "blasphemeing" the HS in LORI (after SHE was the one who called my conversion/awakening/regeneration "gas"!!!)... and the whole "making judgements in 2 months thing" is right... but they say they can judge ME... so... yeah. I mean, really, I made the judgement in 2 seconds when I looked into their eyes and DIDN'T see GOD... at least not the God that I knew... I should have stayed away THEN.... but God, You brought me here for a reason....
SEEK ME. (Seek HIM!)
Clean up...
Be strong and do the work.
Here's the email I sent Jen:
This is all vanity.
Seek God.
Fear God.
Obey the commandments!
<3
So I'm out of the cult.
I've had a week of freedom from the bible studies and spending time with the people that are in it (and I also think the fact that said cult-leader, Lori, was out of town tending to her Dad's kidney surgery and didn't have time to pray curses on me) helped me to be a little more spiritually free.
Now, because I have had this "freedom", I have also had tremendous temptation of the flesh... I just got my period today so the past few days have been days where I have been RAVENOUS for food- especially chocolate. It's terrible. I also didn't constrain myself as well as I should have. My flesh is weak.
I am really messed up. I don't feel rooted to anything or anyone. My entire system of belief has been rattled. This weekend I read the book "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs. It was a GREAT book... I was hoping he would dig into/ have similar questions that I do about Christianity, but since he is Jewish, he primarily related to the Jewish customs, etc. It was a funny book- had me laughing out loud a lot... I also related to his search for truth.
I have been shaken by this group questioning my (a.) salvation (b.) experience with the Holy Spirit and (c.) walk. I think (a.) and (c.) are valid concerns.... (b.) I'm having trouble with.
I have definitely not been "in the Spirit" since I've been here and I feel like my life has been deadened. I don't feel connected to God or others... just cut off and lost.
I have gained a ton of weight.
Some days I feel very connected to the Bible, but the last couple days have been hard because I have been in sin (gluttony) and reading other literature... my sole focus hasn't been on God.
Also, I am talking negatively of this group.
A piece of me wants to rescue them still... I have talked to Joey's sister and given her insight and hopefully God will use that for good. I have also talked to Jen's mom and encouraged her - she is trapped in her body at a nursing home- can't do anything... but I know she heard and understood me encouraging her to believe. I prayed with/for her too. Jen doesn't believe. Jen believes Lori who has cursed her mom. It's sick and sad. There is none of the love of God in that situation.
They are OFF. They are prideful and judgmental and cruel.
I'm here for a reason.
God show me what YOU want me to do, learn, say, and where you want me to go.
Tonight I talked to Wendy for an hour on the phone... she reminded me about the hypocrisy in the churches and false Christians and lies and the demonic influence that fuels it all. She reminded me of the spiritual realm and the power that I won't even be able to comprehend. She reminded me of the lost and how I'm incapable of helping them.... but I am sure that God can... and He wants to use me... but He can't use me if I'm not a good example... but how will I be a good example if I am walking in sin?
Jessicker emailed me today a great email and reminded me of an example of how God chastened her and led her away from sin.... oh, I WANTED to tell you more but I'm tired...
The FACT is that I think I must find a balance. I must walk in the Spirit and obey the Word of truth... I don't think I'm supposed to sin...but that means that I must be obedient to God NOT to sin... He'll point it out and I must obey. I don't obey. I'm rebellious and I'm not worthy of the Kingdom... I DO put my hand to the plow and look back. I'm doubleminded and lost and I'm afraid that I'm in the weeds and won't find my way back.
God, HELP.
Help!!!!!
How do I get back??
Follow You.
Pray.
Obey.
And
1 John 3:4-9
Hebrews 10:26
What does Heb 9:28 mean? Break it down.
Go to bed!!!
* I'm back. I had to look it up...
Heb 9:28 So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.
Let me break it down:
So: in this way (referring to what precedes or follows): - after that, after (in) this manner, as, even (so), for all that, like (-wise), no more, on this fashion (-wise), so (in like manner), thus, what.
Christ: anointed, that is, the Messiah, an epithet of Jesus: - Christ.
was once: one (or a single) time (numerically or conclusively): - once.
offered: to bear towards, that is, lead to, tender (especially to God), treat: - bring (to, unto), deal with, do, offer (unto, up), present unto, put to.
to bear: to take up (literally or figuratively): - bear, bring (carry, lead) up, offer (up).
the sins: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).
of many: Including the forms from the alternate “pollos”; (singular) much (in any respect) or (plural) many; neuter (singular) as adverb largely; neuter (plural) as adverb or noun often, mostly, largely: - abundant, + altogether, common, + far (passed, spent), (+ be of a) great (age, deal, -ly, while), long, many, much, oft (-en [-times]), plenteous, sore, straitly
and unto them that look for: to expect fully: - look (wait) for.
him: [G846 - autos] From the particle αὖ au (perhaps akin to the base of G109 through the idea of a baffling wind; backward); the reflexive pronoun self, used (alone or in the compound of G1438) of the third person, and (with the proper personal pronoun) of the other persons: - her, it (-self), one, the other, (mine) own, said, ([self-], the) same, ([him-, my-, thy-]) self, [your-] selves, she, that, their (-s), them ([-selves]), there [-at, -by, -in, -into, -of, -on, -with], they, (these) things, this (man), those, together, very, which. Compare G848.
shall he appear: The first a (middle voice) prolonged form of the second (primary) which is used for it in certain tenses; and both as alternates of G3708; to gaze (that is, with wide open eyes, as at something remarkable; and thus differing from G991, which denotes simply voluntary observation; and from G1492, which expresses merely mechanical, passive or casual vision; while G2300, and still more emphatically its intensive G2334, signifies an earnest but more continued inspection; and G4648 a watching from a distance): - appear, look, see, shew self.
the: A primary preposition denoting origin (the point whence motion or action proceeds), from, out (of place, time or cause; literally or figuratively; direct or remote): - after, among, X are, at betwixt (-yond), by (the means of), exceedingly, (+ abundantly above), for (-th), from (among, forth, up), + grudgingly, + heartily, X heavenly, X hereby, + very highly, in, . . . ly, (because, by reason) of, off (from), on, out among (from, of), over, since, X thenceforth, through, X unto, X vehemently, with (-out). Often used in composition, with the same general import; often of completion.
second time: (ordinal) second (in time, place or rank; also adverbially): - afterward, again, second (-arily, time).
without: at a space, that is, separately or apart from (often as preposition): - beside, by itself, without.
sin: sin (properly abstract): - offence, sin (-ful).
unto: [G1519 - eis] A primary preposition; to or into (indicating the point reached or entered), of place, time, or (figuratively) purpose (result, etc.); also in adverbial phrases.: - [abundant-] ly, against, among, as, at, [back-] ward, before, by, concerning, + continual, + far more exceeding, for [intent, purpose], fore, + forth, in (among, at unto, -so much that, -to), to the intent that, + of one mind, + never, of, (up-) on, + perish, + set at one again, (so) that, therefore (-unto), throughout, till, to (be, the end, -ward), (here-) until (-to), . . . ward, [where-] fore, with. Often used in composition with the same general import, but only with verbs (etc.) expressing motion (literally or figuratively.)
*** Also, I didn't tell you about getting out of the "cult". <-- it's not very nice that I call it that. I am convinced it is one though because I believe that they are following false doctrine and an antichrist (who literally thinks of herself as a deity). I have been considering "stepping away" for a few days now and wrote an email to Jen last night but was sitting on it. Today I ran into her at her at the nursing home and she asked me about Ken and I can't lie so I told her that I went to that ex-offender's group again yesterday and brought a drugged Ken home afterwards. I got a call from Joey a few hours later... he called to "yell at me" about it and said that I was wasting everyone's time and pretty much told me not to come back. So I sent Jen the email... I don't know if she got it before or after they talked to Mark who texted me this mean text saying:
"Joey told me u hung out wth ken wile he wz high. Any1 wth common sense wouldnt. Go ur way do wotevr pleases u on a whim and stay away frm us at the ymca. How dare u blaspheme the HS in lori. U r makn judgmnts based on 2 mnths. Leave me and my friends at work alone too. You are the most judgmental person ive ever met. Stay away!"
Pretty clear, aye! :) I'm amazed at how he flipped everything around. That I'm "blasphemeing" the HS in LORI (after SHE was the one who called my conversion/awakening/regeneration "gas"!!!)... and the whole "making judgements in 2 months thing" is right... but they say they can judge ME... so... yeah. I mean, really, I made the judgement in 2 seconds when I looked into their eyes and DIDN'T see GOD... at least not the God that I knew... I should have stayed away THEN.... but God, You brought me here for a reason....
SEEK ME. (Seek HIM!)
Clean up...
Be strong and do the work.
Here's the email I sent Jen:
Hi Jen... I just got off the phone with Joey and he all but told me not to come to group because I was wasting everyone's time.... so that's good... good timing. I wrote you this email yesterday but was sitting on it for who knows what reason....
***
I am going to take a break from group for a bit... I really need to pursue GOD and I'm letting MAN get in the way... I need to go where the Spirit leads. I'm really disconcerted by the fact that our "Holy Spirit" is different. (i.e. You don't believe I have the Holy Spirit and that I should listen to Lori (man) over/instead of Him. We DO obviously have a different Spirit because I don't see the same Spirit in Mark that I see, in saaaaaay, my friend Sayre (who has the same HS in her that is in me. Maybe it's a devil- an angel of light? But He (this HS) has been leading me on a path of sanctification since my regeneration last January (which - yes - was insulting, to have that be called "gas"... ridiculous and rude.)...
I've learned so much this week by just pursuing God on my own - I feel much more "in the Spirit" and God has led me to some great articles, resources, people, etc. that remind me not to take one MAN's word for it. I notice that most (all?) "religions" stem from one man having an "interpretation" of the Bible (much of which is true, some of which may be tainted) and then getting followers to follow them. Then they end up building up their own little (BIG) abomination/ churches. So that kinda freaks me out- I don't want to be a Lori's religion follower. I just want to follow God.
I am disturbed by the encouragement to "focus on yourself"... I don't think that is biblical. We are to love God and love others. Our focus should NOT be on ourself...when we put our focus on ourself, we turn inward and are of no use to the Kingdom. I'm not saying that I am able to "help" anyone myself...I'm not. I stand by the fact that I have a beam in my eye... but I can encourage people and can love them where they are at and pursue God alongside them. I don't need to hole myself away until I reach some pie-in-the-sky state of perfection. I don't see biblical proof of "attainment" of "sanctification" in this life. I (personally) will continue to pursue holiness as I believe that is what the Bible calls for- I just see (SO FAR- I have SO MUCH studying to do yet!) that the "seal" of the Holy Spirit is the deposit and subsequent "stamp"/seal on our hearts to let us know that we are God's (ie. Eph 1:13-14) and I experienced that on January 2, 2010.
Please do NOT pray for me. I didn't like that that time. Pray for God's will to be done, period. Don't pray any curses on me or anything, K?!
I love you and am grateful that God brought me here. I DO see sin in Lori - pride, self-righteousness and idolatry (of self) to name a few. I am so sinFUL myself, so I don't judge her other than to wish that God would open her eyes so she can continue to pursue Him the way He wants. This can't be good for her- this making a diety of herself - I can totally see why God is trying to break her and make her depend on Him more and more. She is the strongest woman I know- she is holding everything together in the flesh.
I don't know what He is doing in any of our lives- He has taught me a TON through you all... the importance of pursuing Him by desiring to understand the deeper meaning behind the scriptures, as well as opening up my awareness to the abomination that is occurring in the the churches today. I wish that I could stay with you and keep learning because I am learning so much, but I think my time here is coming to an end.
I love you Jen, and hope that you will see the light too. Believe that your mom can be healed. I believe.
The truth is in the Spirit. You can't have the Spirit unless you pray and worship in the Spirit... I've fallen away from that and it's like I've lost my source of air.
With love,
Carissa
***
I am going to take a break from group for a bit... I really need to pursue GOD and I'm letting MAN get in the way... I need to go where the Spirit leads. I'm really disconcerted by the fact that our "Holy Spirit" is different. (i.e. You don't believe I have the Holy Spirit and that I should listen to Lori (man) over/instead of Him. We DO obviously have a different Spirit because I don't see the same Spirit in Mark that I see, in saaaaaay, my friend Sayre (who has the same HS in her that is in me. Maybe it's a devil- an angel of light? But He (this HS) has been leading me on a path of sanctification since my regeneration last January (which - yes - was insulting, to have that be called "gas"... ridiculous and rude.)...
I've learned so much this week by just pursuing God on my own - I feel much more "in the Spirit" and God has led me to some great articles, resources, people, etc. that remind me not to take one MAN's word for it. I notice that most (all?) "religions" stem from one man having an "interpretation" of the Bible (much of which is true, some of which may be tainted) and then getting followers to follow them. Then they end up building up their own little (BIG) abomination/ churches. So that kinda freaks me out- I don't want to be a Lori's religion follower. I just want to follow God.
I am disturbed by the encouragement to "focus on yourself"... I don't think that is biblical. We are to love God and love others. Our focus should NOT be on ourself...when we put our focus on ourself, we turn inward and are of no use to the Kingdom. I'm not saying that I am able to "help" anyone myself...I'm not. I stand by the fact that I have a beam in my eye... but I can encourage people and can love them where they are at and pursue God alongside them. I don't need to hole myself away until I reach some pie-in-the-sky state of perfection. I don't see biblical proof of "attainment" of "sanctification" in this life. I (personally) will continue to pursue holiness as I believe that is what the Bible calls for- I just see (SO FAR- I have SO MUCH studying to do yet!) that the "seal" of the Holy Spirit is the deposit and subsequent "stamp"/seal on our hearts to let us know that we are God's (ie. Eph 1:13-14) and I experienced that on January 2, 2010.
Please do NOT pray for me. I didn't like that that time. Pray for God's will to be done, period. Don't pray any curses on me or anything, K?!
I love you and am grateful that God brought me here. I DO see sin in Lori - pride, self-righteousness and idolatry (of self) to name a few. I am so sinFUL myself, so I don't judge her other than to wish that God would open her eyes so she can continue to pursue Him the way He wants. This can't be good for her- this making a diety of herself - I can totally see why God is trying to break her and make her depend on Him more and more. She is the strongest woman I know- she is holding everything together in the flesh.
I don't know what He is doing in any of our lives- He has taught me a TON through you all... the importance of pursuing Him by desiring to understand the deeper meaning behind the scriptures, as well as opening up my awareness to the abomination that is occurring in the the churches today. I wish that I could stay with you and keep learning because I am learning so much, but I think my time here is coming to an end.
I love you Jen, and hope that you will see the light too. Believe that your mom can be healed. I believe.
The truth is in the Spirit. You can't have the Spirit unless you pray and worship in the Spirit... I've fallen away from that and it's like I've lost my source of air.
With love,
Carissa
Seek God.
Fear God.
Obey the commandments!
<3
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Think with my heart
My friend, Crystal, said the most brilliant thing at Jen's baby shower: "Think with your HEART".... it has stayed with me all week. Yesterday I saw the application opportunity...
I have been THINKING and trying to FIGURE OUT what is going on here... the "why am I here?" "how long will I be here?" "what is the truth?" "what is this verse saying to me now?" "is this what God means by this?" <--- just trying to figure it out with my inept little human brain.... thinking is FUTILE.
Furthermore:
Rom 8:6 "For to be carnally minded is death: but to be spiritually minded is life and peace."
Part of me thinks I'm taking that verse out of context. The context that I saw a month or so ago was different... it was about how we think on things. So: G5426 MIND (phroneo) = to exercise the mind, that is, entertain or have a sentiment or opinion; by implication to be (mentally) disposed (more or less earnestly in a certain direction); intensively to interest oneself in (with concern or obedience): - set the affection on, (be) care (-ful), (be like-, + be of one, + be of the same, + let this) mind (-ed, regard, savour, think.
Rom 8:5 "They that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit."
G2596 AFTER (kata) = A primary particle; (preposition) down (in place or time), in varied relations (according to the case [genitive, dative or accusative] with which it is joined): - about, according as (to), after, against, (when they were) X alone, among, and, X apart, (even, like) as (concerning, pertaining to, touching), X aside, at, before, beyond, by, to the charge of, [charita-] bly, concerning, + covered, [dai-] ly, down, every, (+ far more) exceeding, X more excellent, for, from . . . to, godly, in (-asmuch, divers, every, -to, respect of), . . . by, after the manner of, + by any means, beyond (out of) measure, X mightily, more, X natural, of (up-) on (X part), out (of every), over against, (+ your) X own, + particularly, so, through (-oughout, -oughout every), thus, (un-) to (-gether, -ward), X uttermost, where (-by), with. In composition it retains many of these applications, and frequently denotes opposition, distribution or intensity.
So if I am "about" (according to - even when I am alone) the SPIRIT (which I will to be) then I should think about and set my affection on the things of the Spirit. I wonder if I am, indeed, doing that now by trying to "figure things out"? I don't know... I think so.... but I wonder if I should be thinking with my heart instead of with my mind?
What does "think with your heart" mean?? Proverbs 4:4 says "Let thine heart retain m words: keep my commandments and live." And v.23 (a classic!) says "Keep they heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."
H2416 OF LIFE = alive; hence raw (flesh); fresh (plant, water, year), strong; also (as noun, especially in the feminine singular and masculine plural) life (or living thing), whether literally or figuratively: - + age, alive, appetite, (wild) beast, company, congregation, life (-time), live (-ly), living (creature, thing), maintenance, + merry, multitude, + (be) old, quick, raw, running, springing, troop.
So I'm seeing that I need to protect and guard my feelings, emotions and will... keep a good handle (and understanding and reign) on them. Keep them in check...in control.... because the boundaries of my carnal life depend on this.
I would GUESS that that means that if I keep a tight reign on them and small boundaries for the flesh, that it would make it easier to find the gate to the garden. The larger the border (I'm thinking of a fence or a hedge now), the more I need to walk to find the gate to the WAY.
I don't know.
I went off on a tangent. Regardless... I need to NOT go in circles. Satan works through my flesh and God says to bring "into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5b - my thoughts are out of control and by living in my brain... thinking and feeling and living through my thoughts... I am allowing Satan to steer the ship. I'm in a battle. I must stand firm in TRUTH, RIGHTEOUSNESS, PEACE, FAITH, SALVATION, the WORD OF GOD (From Eph 6:14-17).
I need to just stand. Trust God. Stand righteously, guarding my thoughts, feelings and will. HE will direct my paths.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
I would venture to say that the most important part of that passage is "In all thy ways acknowledge him"... that's the same as "love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength" (Luke 10:27a). <-- Nope!!... but that's good too... it's not what God intended here, but I can never go wrong by thinking on another scripture which is truth... just don't mistakenly apply it in an incorrect sense...that's how false doctrine begins.
So I just broke it down and it is saying that if I have confidence in the Lord with all my thoughts, feelings and will and don't try to support myself with my own [carnal] knowledge and in all my ways seek Him, then he will make the road that I am on... the way (presumably to the garden)...straight (pleasant).
Le'Anna pointed out this word a month or so ago and I really like it. It is the word behind "acknowledge" in Proverbs 3:6 "... in all thy ways acknowledge him..."
H3045 (yada) = A primitive root; to know (properly to ascertain by seeing); used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially (including observation, care, recognition; and causatively instruction, designation, punishment, etc.): - acknowledge, acquaintance (-ted with), advise, answer, appoint, assuredly, be aware, [un-] awares, can [-not], certainly, for a certainty, comprehend, consider, X could they, cunning, declare, be diligent, (can, cause to) discern, discover, endued with, familiar friend, famous, feel, can have, be [ig-] norant, instruct, kinsfolk, kinsman, (cause to, let, make) know, (come to give, have, take) knowledge, have [knowledge], (be, make, make to be, make self) known, + be learned, + lie by man, mark, perceive, privy to, X prognosticator, regard, have respect, skilful, shew, can (man of) skill, be sure, of a surety, teach, (can) tell, understand, have [understanding], X will be, wist, wit, wot.
Okay... I'm leaving... chores beckon! <3
I have been THINKING and trying to FIGURE OUT what is going on here... the "why am I here?" "how long will I be here?" "what is the truth?" "what is this verse saying to me now?" "is this what God means by this?" <--- just trying to figure it out with my inept little human brain.... thinking is FUTILE.
Furthermore:
Rom 8:6 "For to be carnally minded is death: but to be spiritually minded is life and peace."
Part of me thinks I'm taking that verse out of context. The context that I saw a month or so ago was different... it was about how we think on things. So: G5426 MIND (phroneo) = to exercise the mind, that is, entertain or have a sentiment or opinion; by implication to be (mentally) disposed (more or less earnestly in a certain direction); intensively to interest oneself in (with concern or obedience): - set the affection on, (be) care (-ful), (be like-, + be of one, + be of the same, + let this) mind (-ed, regard, savour, think.
Rom 8:5 "They that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit."
So if I am "about" (according to - even when I am alone) the SPIRIT (which I will to be) then I should think about and set my affection on the things of the Spirit. I wonder if I am, indeed, doing that now by trying to "figure things out"? I don't know... I think so.... but I wonder if I should be thinking with my heart instead of with my mind?
What does "think with your heart" mean?? Proverbs 4:4 says "Let thine heart retain m words: keep my commandments and live." And v.23 (a classic!) says "Keep they heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."
H3820 HEART (leb) = A form of H3824; the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything: - + care for, comfortably, consent, X considered, courag [-eous], friend [-ly], ([broken-], [hard-], [merry-], [stiff-], [stout-], double) heart ([-ed]), X heed, X I, kindly, midst, mind (-ed), X regard ([-ed)], X themselves, X unawares, understanding, X well, willingly, wisdom.
H5341 KEEP (na tsar) = A primitive root; to guard, in a good sense (to protect, maintain, obey, etc.) or a bad one (to conceal, etc.): - besieged, hidden thing, keep (-er, -ing), monument, observe, preserve (-r), subtil, watcher (-man).
H8444 THE ISSUES= (only in plural collective) exit, that is, (geographical) boundary, or (figuratively) deliverance, (actively) source: - border (-s), going (-s) forth (out), issues, outgoings.
So I'm seeing that I need to protect and guard my feelings, emotions and will... keep a good handle (and understanding and reign) on them. Keep them in check...in control.... because the boundaries of my carnal life depend on this.
I would GUESS that that means that if I keep a tight reign on them and small boundaries for the flesh, that it would make it easier to find the gate to the garden. The larger the border (I'm thinking of a fence or a hedge now), the more I need to walk to find the gate to the WAY.
I don't know.
I went off on a tangent. Regardless... I need to NOT go in circles. Satan works through my flesh and God says to bring "into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5b - my thoughts are out of control and by living in my brain... thinking and feeling and living through my thoughts... I am allowing Satan to steer the ship. I'm in a battle. I must stand firm in TRUTH, RIGHTEOUSNESS, PEACE, FAITH, SALVATION, the WORD OF GOD (From Eph 6:14-17).
I need to just stand. Trust God. Stand righteously, guarding my thoughts, feelings and will. HE will direct my paths.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
I would venture to say that the most important part of that passage is "In all thy ways acknowledge him"... that's the same as "love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength" (Luke 10:27a). <-- Nope!!... but that's good too... it's not what God intended here, but I can never go wrong by thinking on another scripture which is truth... just don't mistakenly apply it in an incorrect sense...that's how false doctrine begins.
So I just broke it down and it is saying that if I have confidence in the Lord with all my thoughts, feelings and will and don't try to support myself with my own [carnal] knowledge and in all my ways seek Him, then he will make the road that I am on... the way (presumably to the garden)...straight (pleasant).
Le'Anna pointed out this word a month or so ago and I really like it. It is the word behind "acknowledge" in Proverbs 3:6 "... in all thy ways acknowledge him..."
H3045 (yada) = A primitive root; to know (properly to ascertain by seeing); used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially (including observation, care, recognition; and causatively instruction, designation, punishment, etc.): - acknowledge, acquaintance (-ted with), advise, answer, appoint, assuredly, be aware, [un-] awares, can [-not], certainly, for a certainty, comprehend, consider, X could they, cunning, declare, be diligent, (can, cause to) discern, discover, endued with, familiar friend, famous, feel, can have, be [ig-] norant, instruct, kinsfolk, kinsman, (cause to, let, make) know, (come to give, have, take) knowledge, have [knowledge], (be, make, make to be, make self) known, + be learned, + lie by man, mark, perceive, privy to, X prognosticator, regard, have respect, skilful, shew, can (man of) skill, be sure, of a surety, teach, (can) tell, understand, have [understanding], X will be, wist, wit, wot.
Okay... I'm leaving... chores beckon! <3
Monday, July 18, 2011
Who Am I?
I don't recognize myself anymore. :( I just read some of my old blogs... I really liked THAT Carissa. I'm different and getting to be MORE different... less light... more grey and dead looking. Satan disguises himself as an angel of light (2 Cor 11:14)...so maybe that's what I was...disguised as an angel of LIGHT. ugh.
Jesus was nothing to look at ...no beauty that we should desire him...(Isaiah 53:2)... a man of sorrows aquainted with grief (v.3). I am supposed to follow him ...a pattern...(1 Tim 1:16)... deny myself (Luke 9:23).
ARE those old blogs really the result of demons?? Was who I was someone possessed by the world??? Or am I posessed now? I hate the answer to this... I think I am better off now (UNsparkelly)... I can read and comprehend the bible, God's Word, more now. If understanding is an accurate measure, and I think it is, then I am on the path.... I guess it's all part of the path to life... reversal...repentance...turn and walk back toward the garden...
Jesus was nothing to look at ...no beauty that we should desire him...(Isaiah 53:2)... a man of sorrows aquainted with grief (v.3). I am supposed to follow him ...a pattern...(1 Tim 1:16)... deny myself (Luke 9:23).
ARE those old blogs really the result of demons?? Was who I was someone possessed by the world??? Or am I posessed now? I hate the answer to this... I think I am better off now (UNsparkelly)... I can read and comprehend the bible, God's Word, more now. If understanding is an accurate measure, and I think it is, then I am on the path.... I guess it's all part of the path to life... reversal...repentance...turn and walk back toward the garden...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Update
I'm really very sane and even keeled and don't have much to say right now, but I stumbled upon my blog link and figured that I should write SOMETHING to update myself about what's going on on July 10, 2011! :)
Letttttssssseeeeeeee.... the biggest news is that I was cursed for a week and a half. That was NOT pleasant. :P That ended a few days ago and I'm so happy to be back on the light side. "CURSE?" you say? Yes. CURSE. I was disobedient to God... I was smug and prideful and wanted my own way and my heart was impure. I think this was most evidenced in my sin of not giving up Rue in NC- I felt like God wanted me to do so and I didn't- then worse- I lied to myself and others, justifying my actions and dragging me deeper into sin. When my bible study group (family) called me out on it (I got the "hot seat" for the first time), I denied everything. I then had to leave the group and the light and protection associated with walking on God's path.
For 10 days I experienced supernatural and horrific things that left me in awe of our Creator and desperate for sanity and His grace. Examples are: unexplainable failure at work, my hair falling out in clumps, feeling like I was moving through JELLO (I suddenly couldn't run or move the way I could before), I had voices in my head, sinful dreams, sinful thoughts/demons trying to get me to sin, ACTUAL sin in that I bad-talked the group- letting people think that I was righteous and they were cruel, backsliding, etc. On night #9, I was so tortured by demons that I was writing out what they were saying to me... it was like a play... and my friend who is also tortured by demons contacted me (she has demons telling her to kill herself) and our demons talked to each other- it was NUTS!
Anyway, I'm happy to be back in the fold. As soon as I said I would come back (I lost it and left crazy emails and a voicemail for Mark and then Lori contacted me and asked if I would be willing to come back to study.)... when I said "yes", I'll come back... it was as though my body "collected itself"... I felt that God-shaped hole close up again (I didn't consciously realize that that was what was missing through the 10 days, but that's what it was. I definitely felt vulnerable and unprotected)... weird, I know.
After study that night, I came home and flopped my bible open and it fell to Deuteronomy 28 about the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience. Wiiiiild. God is SO personal!
This week I had decided in my heart to bring Rue to the SPCA in Raleigh. (There are many layers to this decision, including the admission and confession to my sister, Page, that I didn't trust her. I also was told by Animal Friends here that I needed to bring her back to where I got her.) Long story short, I repented and was ready to do whatever it took to obey God. I don't have a choice, frankly. :) <-- not if I want to live and/or please God. So I packed my car after work on Friday and was ready to go. Earlier in the day, the Lord blessed me by giving me AMAZING advice through Joey, and that was to get a "Godly perspective"... don't think about things that I am giving up... think about sacrificing as an OFFERING... GLORIFYING and HONORING GOD with my sacrifice. I journaled:
And that was it. After my car was packed, I came inside to get Rue who was in the backyard, and lo-and-behold, my upstairs roommate (Kevin) was there and offered (out of the blue) to let Rue out when he gets home from work! I didn't know what to say! I cried and thanked him and told him that I was about to go to NC to bring Rue to the SPCA. WOW! I took that as a ram-in-the-bush. God, why are there so many rams in the bush with Rue?
THEN
Last night as I was sleeping, Rue was taking up lots of space on my bed and I was getting irritated and thinking that maybe it was a "sign" that you wanted me to get rid of her. WHAT? What kind of waverer am I?? I'm not sane. That is Satan messing with me. God wants me to be black and white and stable. I have to stop wavering EITHER way. If GOD wants to take Rue, He will. I LOVE her - she's a good companion and to burden the already overwhelmed dog adoption system because of my sloth, is not acceptable. God made it clear through Kevin and by getting me this house that this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and Rue is supposed to be with me... so here we are. Now RESSSST in that! :)
I'm learning SO much here.
Thank you for your GRACE, Lord.
I may try to write some of what I'm learning down, but not now. I've got to go to the grocery store and it's already 7:30.
Here's ONE: "For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist." 2 John 1:7
Ultimately I must learn who Jesus was and who I am in (fixed position) him. I must put Carissa to death- the old Carissa must go. I must stop seeing myself as who I was or who I THINK or FEEL I am based on what I have or am EXPERIENCING... and instead I must see myself in Christ. I must put to death my past. I must put to death my feelings and emotions and fleshly will. I must instead look forward to the future (Phil 3:13) and see my sins as gone- crucified (Gal 5:24) and myself as free indeed (John 8:36).
I am so blessed to be here studying in Wexford. The Lord has brought me to the next level. God blessed me with Lori- my very own teacher and prophet. God speaks to me through her... the utterance of the Lord is alive in her and confirms what He is teaching me through the spirit in me. It's supernatural and a gift and I must REMAIN / ABIDE in Him and He is present with her. He has provided sincere, truth-seeking friends who bring me UP in my spirituality through our fellowship. Such a GIFT!!
Today Lori said the word "martyr" and it reminded me how God whispered to me about being a martyr one day. I think this means that Carissa will die for the faith. Carissa must die so that Christ can live. I am praying- Lord, please prepare me. Give me strength to die in a manner that pleases you- that honors you and glorifies you and brings more people to you. I pray for a quick death of the flesh and that Your spirit would live through me. I think I have another 2 years here before it happens, but I'm not sure. If there's a 3.5 year thing, I was "awakened" in January 2010... maybe June 2013 might be around the time of death? Not sure.
Okay. go. go. go to the store! <3
ps. I never went to the store. Decided against it. I have ONE MORE reminder for myself:
GOD KNOWS. Stop trying to justify my actions or explain myself or who I am. I am in a weird place here with people who don't know me... but "me" doesn't actually matter. I need to let it go and realize that God knows who I was and what I've been through and what I'm GOING through and the true thoughts of my heart... so REST in that. God knows.
Letttttssssseeeeeeee.... the biggest news is that I was cursed for a week and a half. That was NOT pleasant. :P That ended a few days ago and I'm so happy to be back on the light side. "CURSE?" you say? Yes. CURSE. I was disobedient to God... I was smug and prideful and wanted my own way and my heart was impure. I think this was most evidenced in my sin of not giving up Rue in NC- I felt like God wanted me to do so and I didn't- then worse- I lied to myself and others, justifying my actions and dragging me deeper into sin. When my bible study group (family) called me out on it (I got the "hot seat" for the first time), I denied everything. I then had to leave the group and the light and protection associated with walking on God's path.
For 10 days I experienced supernatural and horrific things that left me in awe of our Creator and desperate for sanity and His grace. Examples are: unexplainable failure at work, my hair falling out in clumps, feeling like I was moving through JELLO (I suddenly couldn't run or move the way I could before), I had voices in my head, sinful dreams, sinful thoughts/demons trying to get me to sin, ACTUAL sin in that I bad-talked the group- letting people think that I was righteous and they were cruel, backsliding, etc. On night #9, I was so tortured by demons that I was writing out what they were saying to me... it was like a play... and my friend who is also tortured by demons contacted me (she has demons telling her to kill herself) and our demons talked to each other- it was NUTS!
Anyway, I'm happy to be back in the fold. As soon as I said I would come back (I lost it and left crazy emails and a voicemail for Mark and then Lori contacted me and asked if I would be willing to come back to study.)... when I said "yes", I'll come back... it was as though my body "collected itself"... I felt that God-shaped hole close up again (I didn't consciously realize that that was what was missing through the 10 days, but that's what it was. I definitely felt vulnerable and unprotected)... weird, I know.
After study that night, I came home and flopped my bible open and it fell to Deuteronomy 28 about the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience. Wiiiiild. God is SO personal!
This week I had decided in my heart to bring Rue to the SPCA in Raleigh. (There are many layers to this decision, including the admission and confession to my sister, Page, that I didn't trust her. I also was told by Animal Friends here that I needed to bring her back to where I got her.) Long story short, I repented and was ready to do whatever it took to obey God. I don't have a choice, frankly. :) <-- not if I want to live and/or please God. So I packed my car after work on Friday and was ready to go. Earlier in the day, the Lord blessed me by giving me AMAZING advice through Joey, and that was to get a "Godly perspective"... don't think about things that I am giving up... think about sacrificing as an OFFERING... GLORIFYING and HONORING GOD with my sacrifice. I journaled:
"Rue is God's creature and I have to trust God with her. Not make my own rules and satisfy my own flesh and desires. I love Rue. I love what she represents. I am comforted in this world by her. I do not want to live without her. If I have to put mySELF to death, don't I have to be willing to put Rue to death too? God- loves- Rue more than I do. I am incapable of perfect love. I am sinful and selfish. I want Rue for myself.
Glorify God with my sacrifice.Honor God with my sacrifice.Trust God with Rue's life so that I will put to death my flesh.Carissa and all I was must die."
And that was it. After my car was packed, I came inside to get Rue who was in the backyard, and lo-and-behold, my upstairs roommate (Kevin) was there and offered (out of the blue) to let Rue out when he gets home from work! I didn't know what to say! I cried and thanked him and told him that I was about to go to NC to bring Rue to the SPCA. WOW! I took that as a ram-in-the-bush. God, why are there so many rams in the bush with Rue?
THEN
Last night as I was sleeping, Rue was taking up lots of space on my bed and I was getting irritated and thinking that maybe it was a "sign" that you wanted me to get rid of her. WHAT? What kind of waverer am I?? I'm not sane. That is Satan messing with me. God wants me to be black and white and stable. I have to stop wavering EITHER way. If GOD wants to take Rue, He will. I LOVE her - she's a good companion and to burden the already overwhelmed dog adoption system because of my sloth, is not acceptable. God made it clear through Kevin and by getting me this house that this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and Rue is supposed to be with me... so here we are. Now RESSSST in that! :)
I'm learning SO much here.
Thank you for your GRACE, Lord.
I may try to write some of what I'm learning down, but not now. I've got to go to the grocery store and it's already 7:30.
Here's ONE: "For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist." 2 John 1:7
Ultimately I must learn who Jesus was and who I am in (fixed position) him. I must put Carissa to death- the old Carissa must go. I must stop seeing myself as who I was or who I THINK or FEEL I am based on what I have or am EXPERIENCING... and instead I must see myself in Christ. I must put to death my past. I must put to death my feelings and emotions and fleshly will. I must instead look forward to the future (Phil 3:13) and see my sins as gone- crucified (Gal 5:24) and myself as free indeed (John 8:36).
I am so blessed to be here studying in Wexford. The Lord has brought me to the next level. God blessed me with Lori- my very own teacher and prophet. God speaks to me through her... the utterance of the Lord is alive in her and confirms what He is teaching me through the spirit in me. It's supernatural and a gift and I must REMAIN / ABIDE in Him and He is present with her. He has provided sincere, truth-seeking friends who bring me UP in my spirituality through our fellowship. Such a GIFT!!
Today Lori said the word "martyr" and it reminded me how God whispered to me about being a martyr one day. I think this means that Carissa will die for the faith. Carissa must die so that Christ can live. I am praying- Lord, please prepare me. Give me strength to die in a manner that pleases you- that honors you and glorifies you and brings more people to you. I pray for a quick death of the flesh and that Your spirit would live through me. I think I have another 2 years here before it happens, but I'm not sure. If there's a 3.5 year thing, I was "awakened" in January 2010... maybe June 2013 might be around the time of death? Not sure.
Okay. go. go. go to the store! <3
ps. I never went to the store. Decided against it. I have ONE MORE reminder for myself:
Monday, June 27, 2011
Selfish
I am selfish.
I am prideful.
I am twisted.
I am blind.
Lord, PLEASE free me. God... I don't know what you are doing here. What are you doing with me here in Pennsylvania? Who are these people? Is it about them? We help sanctify eachother?! But what was that thing about "it's about me"? That's what you said through Lori this weekend. I believe you speak through Lori... you speak through everyone, but straightforwardly through Lori. I talked about it with Mark for a minute- and when I first experienced an "awakening" in January 2010 you started reeling through my head the phrase "it's not about you, Carissa... it's all about Me" (God)... but what's this? A different application. It is about my sanctification so that I can be a vessel to make it all about You. Probably that. I don't know. EVERYTHING is about YOUR GLORIFICATION. I exist for You and You alone...not me. I can't put focus on ME... but I can and must put it on the spirit in me... the You IN me. Mind the things of the Spirit- not of the flesh. I could go off... I need to pack...
THANK YOU for providing an awesome apartment today! I pray that I would honor you through it....that I would be a vessel of honor...that I would die to myself so that YOU can live through me. SURRENDER, Carissa. TRULY surrender.
So, what are you teaching me about Rue?
IS she an IDOL? I don't think so. I think she's a RESPONSIBILITY that I don't want... but I do... but I don't. I'd rather have her have a happy home so that I can go on with my happy life... just focusing on YOU and my new friends... but then why aren't you making it easy for me to give her up? Do you want me to put her in a shelter? I don't think so. You made me go through all this rigamaroll so I could see and acknowledge my sin... right? So now I will walk more honestly with myself and you and others... and STOP trying to do things on my own power for my own comfort.
LOVE OTHERS.
STOP being SELFISH.
Lord, you have an amazing plan for your creation- let me be a part of that.
The spirit that was upon me this weekend was not a good spirit, was it? Was it a purifying spirit? Was it You leading me into all truth? Was it conviction- showing me how despicable I am? Lord, SAVE ME, and TEACH me... LEAD me and GUIDE me and give me HUMILITY.
Here's the email "explanation" I sent to Mark (FMI) <-- for my information. :)
In response to his:
I'd ask why are you keeping your dog. If it's fenced that's great but how is that loving your neighbor letting her outside to bark? The homes are so close together, what if she keeps barking? Also can't leave her cooped up in the apartment in the fall or winter when it'd too cold for her either.. what convinced you to keep her?
No there is never rest until God says we're at rest. So much carnality in us that we must peel back and get rid of. It is a hard walk Carissa.
I said:
I trust God to provide a solution for me- I was trying to figure out a way to get what I wanted (which was to be free from the responsibility of a dog so that I could do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it). I never had peace about it. I see my impure motives in trying to give her up (selfishness and irresponsibility and impulsiveness). I know that you all think I idolize her, but I do not. I would give her up in a heartbeat if God made a way... I am just not going to play God and push and prod and force my own way and that's what I was doing.... and it was bad....and it felt bad....and I was riddled with guilt, not the freedom that I have felt when I am in the will of God. If you guys see something I don't, then that's fine... but I am accountable to God first, and if I choose man (ya'll's opinion (which is based on what I've told you which was based on my own twisted flesh (sin))) over what I believe to be right in my heart, then I am not following God- I'm following man.... and I am not going to do that.
I know that I had impure motives in wanting to give her up.
I know that when I WAS going to give her up, all the doors that I thought were open (people who said they would take Rue if I couldn't keep her) were closed on me.
I know that when I was acting a fool on Facebook, I was doing that to manipulate people into taking her not because I really wanted to give her to the SPCA- I never thought it would really happen.
When I was left with the SPCA as my only choice, I was eaten alive with guilt and confusion and a whole slew of other un-Godly emotions (flesh).
When I gave it to God and admitted my sin, He made a way for me to keep her on TOP of blessing me with an amazing apartment (I WANTED to live in a house in a cute area close to the highways with a quiet housemate... I'm getting all that my heart desired and more).
I've also had someone tell me that it's best for a single girl to have a dog- they are right.
As I said yesterday, I made a commitment to care for her. I won't break that on a selfish whim. If God makes a way, then good...but I'm not going to toil in the flesh and go against what I believe to be right just so I don't have the burden of responsibility of a dog. She doesn't take me away from God- if anything, she takes me TO Him as we go on our weekly hikes (which we will need to start doing again)... also, she sits right by me when I read the Bible... she's never been a distraction before- why is everyone all of a sudden saying that she will be? <--because I said that, because I wanted the freedom to go to your house or doug's house or lori's house when I wanted to.... but that's just not the way it is now.
When God makes a way for Rue to have a new home- I'm in. Until then, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and trust God to light my steps. (I can't tell you how many times I've tried to "blaze my own path" and it comes back to bite me.... by grace I see that that is what I was doing... trying to create the life (freedom) that I wanted on my own power... I have to nip that in the bud. THAT is my sin. (along with selfishness, and wavering, and not letting my yesses be yesses, and a trillion more.)
I don't know. God- LIGHT MY PATH. Don't give up on me, Lord. Please.
<3
I am prideful.
I am twisted.
I am blind.
Lord, PLEASE free me. God... I don't know what you are doing here. What are you doing with me here in Pennsylvania? Who are these people? Is it about them? We help sanctify eachother?! But what was that thing about "it's about me"? That's what you said through Lori this weekend. I believe you speak through Lori... you speak through everyone, but straightforwardly through Lori. I talked about it with Mark for a minute- and when I first experienced an "awakening" in January 2010 you started reeling through my head the phrase "it's not about you, Carissa... it's all about Me" (God)... but what's this? A different application. It is about my sanctification so that I can be a vessel to make it all about You. Probably that. I don't know. EVERYTHING is about YOUR GLORIFICATION. I exist for You and You alone...not me. I can't put focus on ME... but I can and must put it on the spirit in me... the You IN me. Mind the things of the Spirit- not of the flesh. I could go off... I need to pack...
THANK YOU for providing an awesome apartment today! I pray that I would honor you through it....that I would be a vessel of honor...that I would die to myself so that YOU can live through me. SURRENDER, Carissa. TRULY surrender.
So, what are you teaching me about Rue?
IS she an IDOL? I don't think so. I think she's a RESPONSIBILITY that I don't want... but I do... but I don't. I'd rather have her have a happy home so that I can go on with my happy life... just focusing on YOU and my new friends... but then why aren't you making it easy for me to give her up? Do you want me to put her in a shelter? I don't think so. You made me go through all this rigamaroll so I could see and acknowledge my sin... right? So now I will walk more honestly with myself and you and others... and STOP trying to do things on my own power for my own comfort.
LOVE OTHERS.
STOP being SELFISH.
Lord, you have an amazing plan for your creation- let me be a part of that.
The spirit that was upon me this weekend was not a good spirit, was it? Was it a purifying spirit? Was it You leading me into all truth? Was it conviction- showing me how despicable I am? Lord, SAVE ME, and TEACH me... LEAD me and GUIDE me and give me HUMILITY.
Here's the email "explanation" I sent to Mark (FMI) <-- for my information. :)
In response to his:
I'd ask why are you keeping your dog. If it's fenced that's great but how is that loving your neighbor letting her outside to bark? The homes are so close together, what if she keeps barking? Also can't leave her cooped up in the apartment in the fall or winter when it'd too cold for her either.. what convinced you to keep her?
No there is never rest until God says we're at rest. So much carnality in us that we must peel back and get rid of. It is a hard walk Carissa.
I said:
I trust God to provide a solution for me- I was trying to figure out a way to get what I wanted (which was to be free from the responsibility of a dog so that I could do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it). I never had peace about it. I see my impure motives in trying to give her up (selfishness and irresponsibility and impulsiveness). I know that you all think I idolize her, but I do not. I would give her up in a heartbeat if God made a way... I am just not going to play God and push and prod and force my own way and that's what I was doing.... and it was bad....and it felt bad....and I was riddled with guilt, not the freedom that I have felt when I am in the will of God. If you guys see something I don't, then that's fine... but I am accountable to God first, and if I choose man (ya'll's opinion (which is based on what I've told you which was based on my own twisted flesh (sin))) over what I believe to be right in my heart, then I am not following God- I'm following man.... and I am not going to do that.
I know that I had impure motives in wanting to give her up.
I know that when I WAS going to give her up, all the doors that I thought were open (people who said they would take Rue if I couldn't keep her) were closed on me.
I know that when I was acting a fool on Facebook, I was doing that to manipulate people into taking her not because I really wanted to give her to the SPCA- I never thought it would really happen.
When I was left with the SPCA as my only choice, I was eaten alive with guilt and confusion and a whole slew of other un-Godly emotions (flesh).
When I gave it to God and admitted my sin, He made a way for me to keep her on TOP of blessing me with an amazing apartment (I WANTED to live in a house in a cute area close to the highways with a quiet housemate... I'm getting all that my heart desired and more).
I've also had someone tell me that it's best for a single girl to have a dog- they are right.
As I said yesterday, I made a commitment to care for her. I won't break that on a selfish whim. If God makes a way, then good...but I'm not going to toil in the flesh and go against what I believe to be right just so I don't have the burden of responsibility of a dog. She doesn't take me away from God- if anything, she takes me TO Him as we go on our weekly hikes (which we will need to start doing again)... also, she sits right by me when I read the Bible... she's never been a distraction before- why is everyone all of a sudden saying that she will be? <--because I said that, because I wanted the freedom to go to your house or doug's house or lori's house when I wanted to.... but that's just not the way it is now.
When God makes a way for Rue to have a new home- I'm in. Until then, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and trust God to light my steps. (I can't tell you how many times I've tried to "blaze my own path" and it comes back to bite me.... by grace I see that that is what I was doing... trying to create the life (freedom) that I wanted on my own power... I have to nip that in the bud. THAT is my sin. (along with selfishness, and wavering, and not letting my yesses be yesses, and a trillion more.)
I don't know. God- LIGHT MY PATH. Don't give up on me, Lord. Please.
<3
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)