I was kind of typing along with some thoughts that popped up when reading this thread on SRA esfoundations.com/forum/human-slavery-sr...eprogramming?start=0 . I had to stop mid-way because it was really intense, but want to keep track of my progress in case it is beneficial. I don’t think I can even re-read this right now so I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I should wait and put it all together in due time. But then I find that I want to push myself to get it done now but I need to be gentle with myself. No. I’m going to post this in my journal and we’ll go from there. I can summarize and put pieces together another time.
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One time I volunteered to be hypnotized as a part of a show at an amusement park. There were many people who volunteered and this show ran multiple times daily for the whole season. This can’t have been a big “problem”, but it has come up a couple times in the last few days and seems to relate in a way to the splitting of personalities.
I’m not really sure what happened during the main show… we did weird things and I remember kind of just going along with it. It was like I gave myself permission to slack mentally and just do what was said but as I did that, I lost a little of the ability to get (my full mentality) back. I gave my sovereignty away, I guess.
But at the end, I guess he had programmed everyone with a phrase that they were supposed to say when they heard a key word. So when he sent everyone back to their seats and he was giving his “wrap-up”, he would say these key words and the programmed person would say their phrase and everyone thought it was great. For me, my phrase was “the Brittish are coming!” and for some reason I was so scared and I jumped on my seat and screamed it over and over and was TERRIFIED and the whole crowd just laughed at me. My parents got me to sit down and I guess I calmed down, but I was really traumatized and confused by that whole interaction and it has stayed with me.
There was another time I remember where my classmates had a sleepover and I was actually invited (which was a miracle as I was not popular) and we were trying to hypnotize each other. I learned it then or knew it before that you could do irrevocable damage if you “did it wrong” and I had a lot of fear around that as we were rubbing each others temples in circles.
I’ve known for most of my life that I had “multiple personalities”. I was never officially diagnosed so maybe my case is different, but I have known I could tap into different realities of being. And maybe this was multiple dimensions, of sort.
I never knew who I was. I wasn’t anyone but I tried to be whoever I was expected to be… I guess a “shapeshifter” with “people pleasing” mentality. It could have gone a different way if I was an evil person with no definitive person/personality because then I could shapeshift with evil intent. In this case I was naive and really just wanted to be loved. So I was a black hole energy vampire, but an innocent one… until I became a gaping dark portal and fell into support of the NRG.
(Ack! Just now I had a huge revelation and shift which I don’t really know what to do with yet, but I have thought that I was doing “gridworking” - Indigo Type1 work - in 1999 during the 5 months I spent in the UK (and a couple jaunts to Europe). I traveled all over the UK - went to at least one different city every weekend. Anyway, I just now realized the NRG is headquartered in the UK at Stonehenge and I just realized that I might have been “gridworking” on THAT grid instead! EEP!!! I remember going to a “nudie bar” in Scotland - my first (and possibly last, I can’t remember). We (a group of girls) got a lap dance by a woman who writhed on the floor for us. It was sick, really. Makes me cringe even thinking about it. Anyway. Nephilim Reversal Grid. Dannnnnnggg. Yep. Probably.)
I described one of my “mental breakdowns” as feeling like there were overlapping “realities”. Like the one that we lived in and then at least one other that was more “surreal”… like a Salvador Dali painting now that I think of it. Or like a cartoon.
I didn’t clean “down there” .. wouldn’t touch it… until my 3rd year of college when my girlfriend told me you are supposed to. I always chaulked this up to not being properly taught how to bathe, but there may be more to it.
A lot of items on that list described my experiences, mentality, and many diagnosis (though I only started collecting diagnoses in the last 20 years. The 20 before there were psychiatrist-free!
Huge fear of death and especially my loved ones dying. I remember every time I heard a siren praying so hard that my family was okay. I would stare out the window waiting for everyone to be home and safe at night. Just constant knots of fear and anxiety that something was going to happen - someone getting hurt or dying, our house burning down, etc.
My favorite color is green then blue! Eep! Ha! (Isn’t everyone’s favorite color green though?)
I, apparently, watched “Wizard of Oz” a LOT as a kid. I don’t remember watching TV as a young child at all or there really being a TV around until I was in middle school and … Inga. Must have been Inga? Selling us?? Anyway, I don’t remember a TV but I do know much of Wizard of Oz by heart. Whoa.
Inga was my first nanny and she was sketchy. I have very very few memories from childhood but I do have one or two of her and believe she was dark. My parents let her go when I was around 7, but she was a German live-in Nanny and I think I heard she had drinking problems. I’ve probed my parents a few times about her and it sounds like she was a bit irresponsible or an alcoholic but could she have been EVIL? All three of us girls/sisters have really wonky mental and sexual problems which, as long as I have known about it, have seemed consistent with sexual abuse. But none of us have memories. Inga took care of all 3 of us. By the time my two brothers came along we had a new nanny. (Who was a religious nut - but that’s another story for another day. Or it was just part of my path and contract which is fine.)
“I want my Mommy!” (I say it even now at age 43 when I’m in distress or upset.)
“I hate myself”. (Always.)
My therapy the last four years has dug out the knowledge that there is a huge pool of guilt and shame and sadness that triggers fear and anxiety to suppress the sadness which is untouchable. Last year I cried for two months straight - wailing cries of a child desperate for soothing and in horrible distress. This was lower density energy and emotion seeping out without consciousness of what it was (though some consciousness, such as feeling like a small child crying, came out.)
I know I wrote about this before but it was so strange that I tried to kill myself as a, what, 10 or 11 year old? I laid down in the middle of the semi-busy street that we lived on and waited to be run over. Someone stopped and made me go in and tell on myself. I don’t think anything happened.
Thanks ya’ll. I’m definitely unraveling some things.
As I’m reading this, I’m getting dizzier and dizzier and need to stop for a break. But it’s really hitting home. I know in my heart I’ve been asking to heal this stuff… but I need to be gentle and probably go “low and slow” like I do with introducing vitamins, etc.
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I wrote the following later that day but didn't finish or post it... didn't want to lose it either so adding here:
I’ve heard that some people have hundreds “alters”. I don’t think I’m like that. I do think I have been possessed and may have had many many many beings pop in and out of me through gaping portals (of dooooom). When you add “of doom” it always sounds so much more dramatic! And funny! ;) I’m playing though. Anyway, I’ve been possessed…but I’ve also had multiple personalities or something like that. No one has ever said “you have MPD, but I’ve heard more than once the phrase “Not necessarily multiple personality disorder but it’s something like it”. Or something like that. I tried to find a label for what was wrong with me and that was the beginning of the real “problem” which was living out of my mental body.
I’m a multidimensional being. I may have been tapping into different “realities”.
Did I have a walk-in on 01/02/2010 or was it something else? I haven’t been the same since. But I was “not normal” before that, so I’m not sure how it plays in to it. Maybe I was so tied into the NAA and a rescue mission came for me? But my heart was pointed to God. I think I’ve had a pretty good heart most of this life (except the whole dark portal thing).
I may just have been so fluid and not known who I was.
1:11 1:22
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