Star drama

I guess I forgot to share my posts here... this is from the other day:

I appreciate this discussion so very much. I was thinking there was something very wrong with me in that I have been having big trouble with my star of azoth/unity star/merkabah star. In general I feel like it takes a great deal of effort to visualize....or actually even INTEND... especially the star and even my shield. I spend so much time fighting to come up with a visualization only to have it just be smoke anyway and eventually I send my partially formed star into the earth and go through the process... but it isn't easy and I literally spend at least 20 minutes trying to "put on my shield" every morning before I get out of bed (I shield and say the unity vow first thing). The struggle is real and my poor dog is like "PLEASE HURRY, I have to go outside!!!" Ha!

I've struggled with this all year though...and I'm new (this year). So you would THINK I would have to go through the same steps that everyone has gone through but I wondered if that was maybe just not "my" light symbol code. (Of course I panicked... "why? Because I'm the devil?!!" -- this is my MO... it's negative ego, of course.) But this thread is giving me some peace. Especially since I definitely had a HUGE heart architecture upgrade last December so maybe it was bringing some of this online and maybe I've moved into an other-than-star phase?? I don't know guys... I'm really still stuck in the ego clearing mire so it can't be that I've advanced past it... unless the whole architecture of that which I belong to in Christ-Sophia is changing now?

I have had gold in my shield for many months but I thought it was some sort of defilement so I was trying to visualize it out of there. In the end I surrendered to having silver, gold, white/platinum, and rainbow surrounding me. I don't sense particular boundaries but I try to create the cylindrical shape... it's just, again, like swimming upstream to try to make it tidy. Especially pushing that top lid to 4ft. Nothing is natural/easy. Well, the colors are natural.... that just happens. And other colors (like today everything was blue....another day everything was magenta....another day everything was gold)...that just happens and I am like "what on earth is this?!!"

Anyway... all this to say that I appreciate the conversation and as a result I'm going to let myself off the hook some about not fitting into a particular box. I have so much respect for you guys so if your 12D shield isn't exactly to code, then maybe it's okay for mine not to be too. I WILL continue to shield and do my best... try to intend without a spirit of forcefulness and wrangling and we'll see where it goes.


Edit: Saw Candice's note about the star of Azoth which was in Stephanie's post, but I've got both that and the star of David on my desktop to gaze at and try to get it to burn into my skull (hasn't worked yet) so I thought I'd post them here: