Pierce my heart with such a strong word, but today's glossary pick definitely described who I've been...
Reflections on today's daily glossary pick, Megalomaniac
ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Megalomaniac
Megalomania is a psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance, omnipotence, and by inflated self-esteem and a need for acquiring power and control. Historically it was used as an old name for narcissistic personality disorder.
Key word: “delusional”. I’ve always thought I was “special” and this, frankly, plays into this starseed and indigo identity that I’ve embraced this year. NOW I think that what I’m experiencing is all related to “saving the world”, etc. This context really does help me be present and do the work of clearing negative ego and provide background for the very surreal experiences I’ve had in this lifetime, but just now I can’t help but ask… I don’t want to be afraid to ask… if maybe this is all also part of a “delusion of grandeur”?
Superiority complex is a psychological defense mechanism in which a person's feelings of superiority counter or conceal his or her inner feelings of inferiority.
For SURE I have these feelings of inferiority. One of the main branches of my deepest (at this point in my understanding) core fear is this “fear of what others think”. So much of how I live is based on response to my perception of other’s perceptions and trying to manipulate them into thinking that I’m important and valuable. I put on the “Carissa show” to try to be what (I think) others want me to be and to feed on their reactions. I do this in many ways - giving to them or entertainment if possible, but if not, I use shock value or negative behaviors to get their attention.
Growing up as the oldest in a family of 5 with parents that both worked endlessly (we had a nanny), there just wasn’t enough time and affection to go around so we learned how to manipulate to try to get our “love” needs met. Frankly my parents had my number and understood what was going on so they were constantly on guard because they felt this manipulation and pull of energy (vampirism) so they withheld as a form of punishment to try to “teach me” that that wasn’t the proper way to “earn” their attention (which to me was equal to affection). So this is how I learned to operate and it created a lot of drama because people naturally resisted my black hole of a presence while I was like a circus monkey doing flips and tricks hoping for a penny.
charisma and “mimicry” of empathic reactions that are geared for manipulation to serve one’s egocentric needs,
My egocentric needs were based on the need for attention, affection and recognition …to be seen. This resulted in learning energy vampirism tactics to steal what I needed since I wasn’t being given it. (Thanks be to God for the recognition that I AM the Source and my inner child can tap into this channel which comes from God through my own heart, but for the last 43 years I have been looking for it externally.)
It is important to be able to identify abusers, liars, predators and psychopaths as people traumatized by terrible pain, Soul Fragmentation and spiritual disconnection.
For whatever reason, I have a ton of fragments… alters… I guess from my pain in this life which may be connected to other lives too. Right now I feel like I’m focusing mostly on my 3D self to work with the experience here as Carissa in particular. However, I have such little memory of my life because of so much fragmentation and mind slides. I’ve always attributed this to an event where I was sexually molested that I can’t remember. I still can’t remember it and I’ve tried for 20+ years in therapy… but so much of who I’ve been and my experience with life is consistent with that. I have a deeply rooted sexual misery program running with many tentacles. I resonate deeply (too much to touch, frankly) with the SRA topics which was first introduced to my consciousness in 2010. My “awakening” and ascension process has been bringing more pieces for witnessing and surrender but it’s been a bumpy road. I’ve been a dark portal and as this article says, I am more prone to demonic possession and as such built the houses of ego - a sprawling plantation - for these dang spirits of mental bondage.
I have been an abuser, liar, predator, and psychopath and I don’t want to be any more in any way.
We have been confused to discern the qualities of Leadership and authoritative influence over others as defined by egocentric and alpha type of behaviors which lead to control orientation and tyrannical oppression.
In my early 20’s a had a very good job at a very prestigious financial institution and was tapped on the shoulder for an “emerging leader program”. I have/had leadership potential because I was willing to push people around, so to speak. Leadership, for me, required me to envision what I wanted (which had either personal benefits or benefits to the organization which I considered part of myself and so it was still personal) and then try to get others to go along with it... manipulate them through different channels by discerning what their buttons were and the best way to push them (often it was esteem and/or monetary compensation). And in this context (a job) people didn't mind being manipulated (if they were "lower on the totem pole" than me). But it set up this whole control thing... I played God and loved it! I was also playing God at home and in my personal life and that didn’t go as well.
I often manipulated people using shame... I tried to make them feel bad so that I could (a.) feel better about myself (strengthen ego) and (b.) weaken them so I could harvest their energy and get them to do what I wanted. On the outside I looked like a pious and good person. For example trying to control my first husband’s alcoholism… I pushed buttons and did back flips and resisted the crap out of anything he did… to others this looked like I was the loving and supportive, long-suffering wife, but in reality I was not honoring his pain or who he was and I was trying to manipulate him and force him to do or be something he wasn’t, so I was adding fuel to the fire (and feeding off of it) instead of holding space for his process or even just taking my focus off him and putting it back on where it belongs (my mess).
I digressed again… ha!
I trapped myself through my control tactics though. Exactly as that article says, I tried to control everything to try to keep me safe (according to my idea of what that looked like). In the end I put myself into a straightjacket of fear and ended up imprisoned (literally and figuratively). I had agoraphobia and a ton of mental “dis-ease” and I was still trying to control everything… who knew that I was doing it all wrong? I was clinging so tightly to what I thought was right in order to control it when what I needed to do was let go and surrender. I’m still learning this. I ebb and flow. Time to reverse the reversals!
I surrendered big time in 2010 but then took it all back in 2012. Since 2016 by the grace of God, I am being led into the heart of surrender, a deeper experience of becoming.
Their anxiety results from vulnerabilities that the control freak tries to eliminate by controlling every aspect of the environment and the people in it. They try to control every perceived threat, whether real or imagined. They lose track of what they can change and what they cannot change. They choose an ineffective approach to coping with their anxiety by controlling and manipulating others around them.
The Consumptive Modeling of energy vampirism that exerts control over others and manipulating scenarios is entirely exhausting. Uncontrollable adverse events often lead to learned helplessness and extreme mismanaged stress.
ps. Did anyone else stop getting emails for their subscribed threads?
As you know I've been working on building houses for the spirit of Christ and dismantling the houses of ego. God gave me a pat on the back today and sent the "verse of the day" email Galatians 5:22 - "and the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control"....no... the version I read said "love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), gentleness, goodness (kindness), faith". So faith and self-control = both important... just nice that God sent that!
So much encouragement and support, thank you God!
______
Note, my EMF sensitivity is up a bunch right now. Typing on the keyboard is like typing on electricity. Is this because I haven't been "grounding" as I NEED? No walking barefoot due to cold and rain and ants.
______
Posted:
Thank you for that meditation, Angela! I look forward to working with it!
I wanted to share my ramblings on "logos"... "the word became flesh"... this is the embodiment of Christ and as Christ we are the "expression" of God.
That's all I've got.
Muah!
No comments:
Post a Comment