Examined Life Thoughts

This reading of my journals project is fascinating...

The number codes were there all along... at least in my journal I wrote the times I was writing and they were similar... just read 12:34 ...but there have been lots...11:33, 8:08, etc.

And my God-self/Higher self was there before I knew it too. I just saw where in October 2000 I was talking to myself and my HS popped in and wrote in all caps and it was definitely my guidance teams.... I just didn't know it. I've had guidance all along... I just couldn't discern the difference between me and them/God. Wow!

I was doing the crotch scratching back then too when I was anxious or upset. I wake up now in the middle of the night just tearing myself up... scratching at my crotch... and in the journal from that time (I'm reading late 2000 while I'm living with Uncle Robert and soon after the cross-country trip and Tim Kelly stuff) and I talked about how my head and crotch were so itchy ("Ugh! My head and crotch itch! I can't sleep! I hate myself for...") ... etc. I remember being itchy a lot as an anxiety thing.... trying to go to sleep and my whole body would itch. Terrible. I guess it's related to the CNS. 

Anyway, this whole thing is very interesting....and heavy. I see how I took on Tim and Kyle's drama and it both fed me and sucked me dry... I felt like I was a part of something but it destroyed me... I was the food for Tim & Kyle (or their demons, rather). I was giving and good but confused and hurt and desperately wanted to be accepted and loved. I didn't have real support from my family. Uncle Robert took me in and it was wonderful but it was a lot on him. And my Dad would come in with some advice... I was welcome home but he suggested I stay in Florida, etc. But I guess I just never had that grounded feeling of "HOME" with anyone... I never really belonged anywhere or to anyone. I was desperately seeking connection and love but was really on my own.

Jeff and Bean were constants in my life... I'd talk and think about them. 

I felt like I "belonged" at Forrestel Farm Camp... those were the best times of my life, I think. Or childhood anyway. 

Sweet Cristy, you were so brave. Thank you for your work and I AM with you. We've always been here and been with you. You are not alone. 

I want to be love for myself and others. 
God help me to cast out...surrender my demons, and be filled with the Light and spirit of Christ-Sophia I AM. I want to be of use in this earth at this time. I hope time isn't short, but it might be... so I want to make the most of it.... now are these just words? DO. BE. 

Breathe. 

And go get your chores done. 

And meditate. You need to meditate more, my love. It will help.