Processing

 So much of what we like to do in the spiritual community (especially me) is roll the concepts around in our mental body/mind. Our ego likes to toy with and consume and own and then poop out these "concepts", often in order to attract more concepts and ego food for itself. 

How can I stay in my heart? How can I focus on my healing? Currently I'm very activated and "FEEL" lots of sensations in my body from upgrades and liquid plasma light...but I don't have that all the time. I must just allow everything to be what it is and just try to be as present as possible in each moment. 

I feel very in the flow right now and it's lovely.

I want to push and pull and dream and then try or hope to make my dream a reality. Right now I've got either some sort of AI Red Cube implant or a true Krystic architecture thing going on with Gabe. I don't know if he's aware of it or if it concerns him at all or if it's just for my learning. This goes hand and hand with my life review work and how I've been reading about the ending of Sasha and the Tim "saga"... I see how desperate and clingy and needy and hopey I am. How I want so badly to be seen, known, cared for, held...etc. But this season (and my whole life) is about me finding my own strength and standing in the Christ-Sophia I AM to hold space and create pathways for all beings to do the same. 

To learn to love myself. To forgive all that has harmed me. To release all I've resisted and stuffed down to keep from feeling...the pain and confusion... the fear and all that has been used to enslave us as humans. Our memory ... our consciousness... has been hijacked so that we forgot that we are strong and there is nothing to fear...death doesn't exist... not like we think... and we are meant to live in joy, freedom, sovereignty and hold an energetic pattern to support the Galaxy and ultimately the Universe. Atoms and cells hold structure to support humans which hold structure to support the planet which holds structure to support the solar system and/or galaxy which holds structure to support the Universe and we are ALL GOD. (I know I left some layers and players out. The cancers... the reversals... they set blocks up to damage organic energy). 

Those who, for whatever reason, want to hurt or damage the world... for financial reasons, or moreso power and control reasons which they get by siphoning LOOSH...they have created all this artificial intelligence, technology, and mind control systems to create these cancers and reversals. 

So I don't know if what I've got going on is a reversal or not, but every time I interact with Gabe there is a powerful reaction. The first time I saw his post on ESF I just started crying... and then I used to feel the pull of his energy... especially his masculine energy and it confused me and made me think that he was looking for a partner (which he was even though he didn't know it) and then I felt "safer" when I knew he was with someone and had another session with him and then later felt him in my body...like in my core... and it scared me. It could have felt "good" or "right" or be part of my personal alignment but it was strange and outside my understanding of the container that a healer opened in the session space, so I pushed him away again for breech of energetic boundaries. I told him about my concerns and later decided to have another session with him which was good...but there was a strange energy at the end (teeth) that freaked me out and then his girlfriend shared about a dream she had that was pretty much my own experience (which I didn't share with either of them, but I could tell that she was being infiltrated with one of my consciousness streams and it scared me and I felt bad). It's been a few months now and he was coming to heart a lot and I felt led to have another session with him...mostly I just wanted to "hang out". I feel a kinship with him - I guess because he is my soul family. Now and then I'd have visions of him. One time I saw where he was born and broke free from the underworld, like how he had come up and out and was laying over it...I can't describe it. Most recently I saw him as a cobalt blue crystal pillar ....like selenite but blue, and felt like Maren was the adornment on the outside...like a design of leaves or flowers. 

Anyway, yesterday it was so intimate and I surrendered to him and his presence to hold space for my opening and movement of stored pain and trauma. I don't know what was released exactly. I told him that I had seen something he referenced in our last session but didn't describe, but I saw it as a kind of tumor filled with etheric weaponry and cyst growth...I see hairs growing out of it too, lol. Gross. He said he saw pieces of my wings and jewels etc in it. Anyway... what we shared allowed some of that to shift. 

But it feels like I've done something wrong... because I still want to hold his body... his energetic frame close to me to help me continue to process. But that feels like it's cheating on Maren. He's not mine. I guess no one is anyone's but if one is in a heirogamic union then it is a shared contract and agreement and I'm not in that with him. I DO feel that he is a genetic equal. I have felt that since I learned that word and it's taken me on some important processing jaunts (including the work around Tyrone). 

Don't be afraid to ask questions. You can ask. Am I putting myself out there for the NAA to toy with? You already are...but we are keeping you safe. This seems tricky. Anyway, could we BE HG partners and even though we aren't consciously communicating, could we be holding space for one another?

For example, the freaking finger thing. I know it's stupid, but he said something about how lately he was working to reclaim his mummified fingertips from Egypt and I have been feeling similar problems with my hands...fingers... claws....they are also being reclaimed and reembodied by Christ-Sophia I AM.

He represents Christ. This makes sense that we would...all us Sophias...would be drawn to him. But my work is to embody the Christ-Sophia I AM internally as a complete structure and human within my own incarnation as Carissa.

But is it wrong to hold his energetic structure to continue to work with? Well what kind of work are you doing? Are you releasing stuff or are you fantasizing about a life with him? AUGH. You're right. Both... or one but leads to the other. A slippery slope. 

God is with and in me. I don't need to call on any other humans. I need to allow God to guide, direct, and unfold this flower for me...petal by petal. Just watch...be a compassionate witness.

That's what was so powerful about Gabe... his compassion and love was so full and safe and provided such a beautiful space to heal and twirl and BE in the love of God. 

I love him.

And that's good. That's real love and you should love everyone like that. Michael is love too. He's just got distortions from the dang False Father and Saturn Blood Worship. Maybe it will unwind for him too? God will lead. I don't need to figure it out. I also don't need to be searching for something else or "better". Michael is talking to/courting Ammi right now which is throwing me for a loop...but also, I don't feel romantic love for him or attraction to him. We haven't had sex since 2019 (and I'm so grateful). But in reviewing my journals I see how anytime there was any sort of attraction or movement toward physicality, I freaked out... I lost my mind... whether inwardly or outwardly, I haven't been able to deal with physical intimacy as I suppose I have these stored traumas to work through... why do I fear allowing anyone close to me? Was I raped as a baby? 

Was it just that I never learned intimacy from my parents? It's more than that. I was hurt or damaged in some way. 

God, I DO want to know. I'm ready to heal. I want to be in a loving and balanced heirogamic union with a partner where we can be of service to humanity...and the earth...and the universe to all that WE ARE.

One day at a time. 

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