Wellllll, it was VERY supportive to decompress with my beloved friend Rosemary about all the swirling around Gabe. She validated me and gave me perspective that was supportive.
This morning I wrote these notes to help me continue to work through this stuff:
Oh yeah, don’t forget- almost mind slid away- the intimacy with Gabe (because he isn’t fully shielded and calibrated in HGS) messes with me/us. He had a strong Christ presence and masculine architecture which my lightbody is looking for in its partner. That kind of intimacy is like having spiritual sex... it opens us up and causes confusion and the whole thing where there are cords intertwined. Not healthy for me or him or Maren, especially. I know that if/when I share this, it will be the end of our relationship- but it will help him and others going forward.
I want the relief and support associated with his “help” holding structure for my lightbody but it isn’t healthy or right. So I have to eschew my own desires and surrender- and cut cords with him. I do. Thank you God for helping.
I had been thinking that maybe I shouldn't share this with him, but feeling like I had a responsibility to in order to help him grow, but then I thought that maybe I am pushing/pulling by doing that instead of just allowing everything to unfold as it is meant to.
Rosemary thinks it would be beneficial. So... we'll see. I don't want to flag or flare ego or inner children OR break the magic that we experienced, but I have to be willing to surrender the magic for the greater good. That's the point.
It was so helpful to do an emotional dump/share with Rosemary so maybe that's all I needed. God, please lead me.
I'll tell you what WASN'T helpful is that I asked her if it was possible that he could be my heirogamic partner and she got a double dose of tingles when she said yes. What is that? Doesn't matter... I have to keep working on my own growth and stability.
If I was going to write a note to him, what would I say?
Dear Gabe, I'm madly in love with you now, dammit. Not that I know you at all, but ...nevermind... I'm just kidding... that's an emotional construct that isn't based on reality, I'm just being dramatic. But I'll tell you what, I am definitely feeling conflicted about our architecture merge. This has been what I've been feeling and trying to understand since our first session (last June?)... it's tweaked me out a bit.
Nevermind... I can't.
Just breathe... let God lead. You don't have to DO anything. Just BE. God will lead. God supported me in providing that glimpse of what the situation looks like with Maren through my dear friend Rosemary, so I think I can just relax a little and just allow everything to unfold as it does. Don't push or pull or worry about guilt... I'm not stealing him or imposing energy upon him. It's just happening as it does and I just have to listen to God... follow God's plan and will for my life.
I DO want a copy of our session... but I want to have a right relationship with it.
____
Later - 8:09
I keep getting "True Love" (Xavier Rudd) song. I think I'm being messed with. But it's helping me to process and move through and release. I hear "patience" and ballads from the "Greatest Showman". But ultimately it's a return to myself... my own heart. This is where I get to choose ME... God and I... my divine masculine and divine feminine united. I CHOOSE ME. I choose me by what I do, think, eat, who I talk to. And I do... I am choosing ME.
Michael is being so nice to me now. I asked him today if he was in love with Ammi yet and he said "yes, she's really great" or something. He's so much kinder to me and relaxed which is wonderful. Maybe he's happy because I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow... which will be great, God-willing. God, please lead. THY WILL BE DONE. I surrender to all this. Whatever it looks like, thy will be done. I do pray for our animals to have full healthy happy lives.
The Gabe thing is a lesson. I've taken it and maybe made a distortion ...the more I roll it around in my mental body, the more defiled it gets. Just let it be what it is and don't try to control it. Don't try to "teach", that's what I'm always trying to do. Cherish him and cherish what we shared just as they are.
Would it be helpful for him to know that it can wreak havoc on people's hearts. Ha! So dramatic! But really, would it? Maybe, but who knows on what timeline that is necessary? Maybe this is just all part of how it's supposed to unfold. It's safe. I'm safe. He's safe. Maren's safe. Keep choosing LOVE and choosing to serve. People call YOU, you don't need to call them. Just keep bathing in the Presence and keep shielding and doing your own work. Negative ego work. Clearing. Feeling into what is. Forget the rest.
Later 10:28
I've just been schisming... but learning... talking through, watching through this whole thing with myself. The anxiety of the upcoming trip added a layer or four but now that I'm mostly packed, I'm feeling better.
My inner child felt confused and abandoned. I want to be loved and wanted. I need to find that within myself. Just keep feeling into myself... talking to myself from both sides. Today I also ... maybe in the last couple days... I've just been zooming out to the planetary level a little... and I did the energy ball energy signature test starting last night... so...just growing pains this is. (Thank you Yoda, lol).
I AM my OWN heirogamic partner. I am building my OWN architecture. Last night in my journal...I forgot I woke up to write this...but at 2:34 I was talking about how I was holding masculine architecture or something. My dreams have been more vivid and accessible lately too... I think my pineal gland is healing... the iodine is helping. I need to keep that up.
Yesterday I was hearing a lot of what sounded like EMPs ...or explosions anyway. Michael said he couldn't hear them and they were happening all day. Right now I'm feeling/hearing this low level pulsing too... I see you. I need to shield. And record the HGS Calibration for myself.
I see now, that "True Love" song was archons messing with me. I need to just chill. Go inward. Peace be with you. I had about 20-30 minutes of sitting in peace outside, but in general, I haven't been still. Probably because Puja milked my liver again....lol... really she helps me so much! God, please bless Puja, John, and Sophia! Now stop ruminating... I LOVE YOU!!!
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