Painting Surrender

 I thought I shared this here, but I guess not. This was from Diana's "Unified Diversity Art Gathering" on Saturday, October 9th. I guess I journaled a lot during and then about what came up in the class in my paper journal. Here's what I shared in the forum:

 

___

Today was a POWERFUL session with Charlotte. Really dug in to Sexual Misery...whether it's considered programming or just karmic and corded attachments to extreme pain. I sobbed and snotted and it was so powerful! Very interesting that the addiction matrix was trying to get me to eat... I had strong hunger come up as the session was starting and for the first 20-30 minutes, I kept feeling nudged to get something to munch on.... I observed it. I'm glad. This was trying to sooth the discomfort that was needing to move up and out. 

But there were cords from my genitals to other lifetimes.... and the prostitution lunar reversal Mary came up for healing by anchoring in to the 10th dimensional Solar Mary consciousness. All these thoughts about the trauma and torture - mental breakdowns - that happened when I tried to have sex with my first husband Joe. And how right before Tyrone left, he tried to force me. And in general, just watching that interaction from outside myself, how it was so dark and alien. But then I loved him...but our lovemaking was never authentic... I don't think I've ever had authentic LOVING love-making. I thought I did...but it was acting out lust and desperation. With Michael I felt raped and I hated it. I just have always hated it. 

That thing that hit me when we were on the couch earlier this year, that was a beam of LUST... more of that desperation, I NEED YOU, let's get hot and heavy energy. That's not true love. I need to heal the distortions and the lunar and the pain and the cords and then maybe I can have a loving relationship with someone... but I'm not ready yet. I was beginning to think that I should just do it with Michael, but I shouldn't....it would be me compromising my soul which needs more healing. My monad. She needs more healing and the infusion of the SOLAR LIGHT OF CHRIST SOPHIA.