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Great AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Shadow_Selves
Thank you for teaching me. 

10:44 10:45
Had 3:33 4:44 5:55 6:00 7:00 9:08 earlier
10:48 - sent note to Kirk.
Been more and more in love with Paul. So good for him to go to work. Glad to have the space to do MY work (all of it).

Posted in ESF

Today's post in ESF:

Just wanting to share a video that I found very helpful and beautiful and encouraging. Kelly Brogan MD was brought into my field many (maybe 7 or 8) years ago and has been an inspirational fellow sojourner along the Way. In this 33 min video/interview she touches on topics that have been popping up for witnessing:

In it I discuss:

1. My high-level perspective on what’s actually happening in the world today
2. How operating from the old paradigm of fighting, protesting, and demanding isn’t working
3. How our current experience of betrayal from the government, media, medical system, and loved ones actually reveals ways in which we’ve betrayed ourselves
   
4. How the dominant narrative leverages the concept of altruism against us
5. What sovereignty is and what it means
6. How to reclaim our power without needing to “prove” anything
7. Why we shouldn’t offer people advice that they haven’t asked for
8. How I get in touch with my own intuition and recognize those times when I’m operating from a triggered place
9. Why victim consciousness is at the root of human pathology

www.kellybroganmd.com/blog/conscious-initiatives-interview

I am feeling a little more space coming forward to share some of what I'm personally experiencing. Lots of what may be considered shadow-work and negative ego-clearing. Lisa mentioned that some of us would be experiencing a "Void Year" or something like that and I am certainly feeling that to an extent....although... when I've been in the void before I've felt very alone. I'm not feeling that now. I don't feel alone, thanks be to God! I am grateful for continued spiritual support...often through number codes as well as nature, perfectly timed messages and meditations, etc.... so even though things are hard, it helps to feel that I'm on the right path, forging through and working the pieces I came to experience and bring love to. Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I know GOD is with me and I am being trained to fear no evil.... THY rod and staff comfort me as they anchor, strengthen and fortify my krystic architecture to anchor supportive frequencies for ALL-WE-ARE.

___

Another post later:
What a beautiful and amazing thread! So much FANTASTIC information and energy here! THANK YOU!!

Sanna, while reading I too wondered about the Wim Hof method and how that played into Yang Medicine. Cold showers or ice baths actually feel like they may fan the inner heat or teach the body to tap into its own Source, but it does require being exposed to the cold.

Yang healing (or as I've thought about it, trying to "heal the yin") has been a big piece of my practice and consciousness work for the past 6 years as well. I too have been working with Dr. Wilson's program which, at its root, as Rosemary stated, is about this very thing. I also studied Morley Robbins work and have been working to understand all the pieces. Copper definitely seems to be a big player with the YIN (and ME!)... there's something with women's cycles that naturally feeds this yin energy. I've been watching how each month before my period, the rise in estrogen triggers a copper imbalance which feeds or encourages yeast/candidas/parasites which may or may not also strengthen the pain-body.... throwing the whole system - physical, mental, and emotional - out of balance. Lunar energies and dark mother perpetuate the imbalance.

In the book " Energy " which is a fascinating interview with Dr. Paul Eck about the way minerals interact with eachother, he describes copper in this way:

Copper is a 'feminine' mineral. It is the dominant element of female sexuality - just as zinc is the dominant element of male sexuality.
An adequate copper level is what gives a woman her 'warmth' Copper is involved with the production of estrogens - the female hormone. Women who lack
'available' copper tend to be cold and sometimes either secretly or openly hostile to men.
Copper is a soft, lustrous mineral that can carry great electrical charge, hence its use in copper wires. Copper appears to lend these same qualities to a woman. It is the basis of a woman's biochemical softness and charm. Copper's softness is balanced by manganese, which gives a woman maternal strength and womanly power.
Without the 'feminine' mineral copper, the 'masculine' mineral iron cannot be incorporated into hemoglobin, and anemia with result. Thus, even in
the microscopic world of biochemistry can one see the interplay between male and female.

I thought that was interesting!

I don't know if it's this "void" space I'm in now but I've definitely been colder this year....more yin. In the wee hours this morning I was called to do the Gallbladder Clearing Meditation - I was hoping I could put it on and go back to sleep but while I was listening I got SO SO SO COLD that I couldn't fall asleep. I think the main premise is about moving heart or SA energy down the gallbladder meridians on each side of our body and pushing discordant energy out our toes and feet. I think it will help me to visualize SOLAR SA energy - YANG, WARMING, LOVING FATHER energy - in this way. I've been working a lot with Crux Implants as well and this is also about moving Aurora healing energy downward in waves ... bringing in the LIGHT.

I've been under pretty significant parasite attack the last month or two, much of which I brought on myself by falling away from my diet and being exposed to some NRG and other anti-life energies...really allowing myself to experience the dank dark cold places as I feel into the shadows. As I've pondered this, I realize that we need both yang AND yin... and I've been thinking about that and how it relates to "darkness and light" .... "good and evil" .... feels like part of the polarity integration process to think about these things. I don't have an answer yet but I know I feel better when I'm filled with warmth and light, and darkness, sleep, shadow, cool, etc. is a part of our experience on earth as well so I'm not sure what to think yet.

I think maybe in the same way that there's "holy mother" and also "dark mother" which is a distorted inversion of the divine feminine, that there's a sort of "solar yin" and "lunar yin" maybe? That's where I'm at with it right now but I have to feel more into it.

Anyway, great thread/information/conversation! Thank you!!

Numbers today

12:12 12:22 13:33 13:44 2:24 2:44 2:43 14:41 3:44 5:54 and 5:45

PLUS we watched the last Monk episodes of the series and cried and cried and cried. It was nice and weird to cry with someone like that.

I also had anger come up today and I went to the porch to cry and feel it and talk it out with myself which I think was good.

5:55 6:44 6:54 7:17 7:43 20:33 8:44 8:55
12:12am

Breathe

Stresssssssed.
Hormones... copper... yeast/candida doesn't help.
Today we started our diet so I know we'll be feeling better soon.
Deep breathing. YOGA or QiGong please. Start doing some cardio and/or interval training. 

My anxiety causes me to feel insecure and I look to my partner for security and they "let me down" and I jump down their throats... I am a terror pick - pick - picking at them. Tearing them up to try to make me feel better - to "feed" my "pain body".... give my "ego" a "boost". It's MY sickness. I'm afraid. I don't let them "DO THEM".

"DO ME and LET PAUL BE."

I don't let him figure it out for himself - I try to tell him how to do it (whatever it is) and he resents that... he doesn't want to hear it in my "know it all" tone (which he hasn't said but I just realized it). THAT'S why I always feel like he's saying "f-you" back to me whenever I say anything.... it's MY energy. Know-it-all energy is yucky. I don't like it but I'm peddling it. I'm not being humble and gentle and encouraging... I'm brow-beating to try to accomplish what my know-it-all self thinks he SHOULD do. The "best" way. But who am I to say what HIS "best" way is. HIS soul is here to experience what IT wants to experience... who am I to try to "play the holy spirit"?? This is what I've always done and I'm being given another chance to overcome this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQTnREEtuNk
"Fear Is A Liar" by Zack Williams just came on. And that's exactly what's driving me again. The negatives. And fear. 

I'm so blessed. I have felt spirit tingles tonight - liquid light? Feeling upgrades.... inflow... is it displacing discordant energy? Am I brave enough to let it go? I want to.

Spica, Arcturus, and Sirius are all blinking rainbow light at me.

Eye of the Storm - I was reading about "Platonic Solids" tonight and thought of this song which just came on. Thank you God for being with me. 

Listen to Christian music... not anti-life music... it is so much better for my psyche. 
I saw 11:11 and 1:11 today.

It's 11:08 now.

That's all

 2:22/24 and rolled "the spirit of harmlessness" med. Going now. 

On the Table

I'm putting it on the table to think about... to let God lead....

But God, this person isn't acting like my partner. He either wants to dominate me or operate as victimized weakling. He does not love me. Sometimes he commits to saying the words, but it is not authentic. He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't love himself.

I have let myself go too... let my love and relationship with ME and my Godself - GOD - slip to the back burner. Going through the motions in a way. I know YOU are still with me, but I AM not "tapped in, turned on, and tuned in."

I don't think it's in my best interest to be in a relationship with this man as it stands. I was trying to wait until he had means to take care of himself and us and tomorrow he starts a job - 3 months after he got here. There were excuses for 3 months. He said he could get a job in a week. He didn't even go to Tractor Supply to try. After my begging and then my sister's, he submitted an application online, but he never followed up. He didn't try.

It doesn't matter. It's his life and his plans. What about MY LIFE? MY heart and desires? MY DESIRE is to live peacefully and in JOY.... to connect to GOD SOURCE at all times and operate from a place of peace and connection. This relationship has put a damper on that. 

I want my friends and community back. I am enriched and inspired and filled with LOVE with them. With Paul I am being manipulated and used. He wants me for blow jobs. He hasn't even tried to do any tantric sex or explore things that are important to me. He doesn't meditate anymore or script or do yoga. Nothing that was promised. It's who he wanted to be and who he was becoming and who he COULD become, but he's being attacked too. Taken off course. The parasites are after us both.

But I need to cut the ties and burn the ships.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOVrOuKVBuY

Thank you God.
Tingles everywhere. 
listen.

____

8:58
What a day. The parasites - candida are trying to eat me. I do not consent!! I have to stop feeding them!

Well I shared my goal of being roommates/friends with Paul and I felt we had some good topics... really digging into the why and what. Real deep work. I understand that my goal was to create a situation where I could realign with my Godself and where he could do the same to support our individual embodiment. I hoped to get back to that spiritual place we both were when we met. I wanted to heal and take my co-dependency "off the table" in order to focus on my relationship between ME and me. 

I also didn't want to hear about bj's and swallowing any more... I was tired of it and felt beat over the head. I felt our connection was damaged in all of the areas (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual). 

We had good conversation over the course of the day culminating in what I felt to be a great, powerful, healing conversation tonight. Paul said he would not bring up the bj thing for 1-2 months and we could invest our sexual connection in tantric and new ways to connect - apparently tantric is like meditation and sex which sounds perfect! 

We also talked about his SEEING HIMSELF as a leader... just BEING the leader.... and I felt he got it for the first time. And we talked about him "calling me out on my shit"....and how much I appreciated that. There were a lot of good things. So we aren't going to just be roommates....we're going to keep chipping away at this. 

He said that him starting a job is a big deal - feeling like he's contributing.... that's huge. He said he hasn't felt like he could be the leader because he felt like he was dependent on me. A new era. He startes tomorrow at 6am. Eep! So early. 

I've got to get this candida under control. Eating sugar is NOT HELPING. I have to stop it. No more!! (After tomorrow's "Waffee Date" with Deirdre.) 

God, thank you. I love you! I love Paul!

Relate and Integrate

I relate!
Today's AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Keepers_of_the_Blue_Flame

I'm either so rooted in the collective that I feel all of this or this is just my path... it all resonates... and look, this is what God is teaching me. So listen. And integrate.

I'm grateful to God who is helping me heal my negative ego and embody my divine sophianic consciousness. I accidentally got stuck in the "darkness at the heart of my love" (Ghost song) - I think this references the Anubian black heart metatronic reversals and I am here to heal them. 

I'm not going to talk about "satanic" vs. "krystic" anymore (I don't think)... I like "anti-life" vs. "life" or "organic living energy" or something. I think that Ghost, like humans, is a mixture of both "AL" and "L"...  am I willing to face, to look at, to feel, the shadow? the dark parts? The suffering?

Is this how we transcend, Buddha?

I think my main job here with Paul is overcoming co-dependency and learning to stand in my own energy and power and love. Along with that is all the lunar distortions and negative ego which fuel my insecurity. It is insecurity (disconnected root chakra?) that causes me to be tossed around by emotions and thoughts.... 

For me and my masculine consciousness, it's more "thoughts"... the analytical mind. This may be related to my sun sign.... Libra... "I analyze". But this "mind" (obsession) is no bueno... takes me out of the present.

Paul is all over the place too. We really are mirrors of each other. But I am reclaiming myself and choosing to heal. That's the goal and the plan and I"m working toward it! I haven't had outright sugar for maybe 4 days. Maybe 5? Since that very challenging night.... activations and/or black magic all night.... probably both. Remember the butterflies and the wasps? BOTH.

I think the "Travelers" TV show last year showed me what happened with Moses. I think that his N.D.E. led to him getting a new soul ... a rainbow dragon soul that is here to join the mission. I wonder if all N.D.E.'s...or many... work like that too? That's why it's like a new person that comes back?

10:43 Anyway. I need to just love Paul. He shaved last night just to try it for first time in 7 years and he looks FANNNNNTASTIC to me. He doesn't like it and is already growing it back in, but it looks super hot to me. 

I need to be done TRYING to make this into something. I just need to be authentic and honest with myself and try to do the right thing. To observe my negative ego and make choices aligned with LIFE and LOVE. If it's hard... if Paul's and my pain body get tangled, I need to just get some space to get some perspective. God's will be done. Paul needs to choose for HIMSELF whether he wants to follow his soul's path and what that looks like (or not). I can't do it for him. I can't try to make it easier. I can only do that which is aligned to my OWN heart. And that's the trick. That's why co-dependency takes me off. It takes my focus off MY heart and puts it on what Paul is doing and feeling. In a way he likes that...that is vampirism.... but he also DOESN'T like it. This is why I think we both have the Indigo3 polarity integrator templates - half narcissist, half empath. I think he's the same. But it's up to him to discover.

I just need to love myself and everyone else. Get familiar with the Law of One and put it to practice.

When the Going Gets Tough

Perfect reminder that nothing is wasted and things aren't as they seem.

AG Pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Carnac
Feeling like this is related to Paul especially. Things are very challenging. Lots of possession in both of us. Tomorrow he may get offered a job...we've waited 3 months - 3 months of feeling into our relationship and there have been some very beautiful revelations as well as some dark and challenging ones. It's been hard and I wish I handled it better. I wish I were above all the mess but I guess I have to come down into it to rescue my own soul. I wanted to say his too but that's the "hero/savior" mentality which has really been driving my commitment. "Rescuing my divine beloved who is a fallen angelic of the Emerald Order who is ripe now to return to sanity, health, wholeness...etc. But instead I've fallen deeper into the pit myself. It's very confusing. 

I DO feel that God is with me though... lots of support and I know when Paul goes to work it will allow me to have more time to clean up our Krystal Cathedral and for me to fortify my own energetic architecture and shield.

Suggested for Today: Boundary Test 

From within your 12D Shield, see, feel, sense, imagine the three frequencies of "I am God, I am Sovereign, I am Free" (GSF) encrypted into your 12D Shield; or envision or imagine the GSF Three Fold Flame encrypted into your 12D shield; or imagine the words "I am God, I am Sovereign, I am Free" written on the inner screen of your forehead.

When approached by entities, use this GSF triad of frequencies to boundary test whether they are resonant with the GSF frequency by either stating, "I am God, I am Sovereign, I am Free," out loud or just focusing on your GSFencrypted 12D Shield. 

A negative entity will be disarmed or refused access to your nervous system when you are obeying the Law of Intent and the Law of Consent.

Commanding Your Space

At bedtime: Boundary test by pushing the pale silver while light (Aurora rainbow current later on) out of heart and expanding shield to fit the room you’re in as you picture I am GSF on your body (me: I also picture it written everywhere and on everything in the room after I expand my shield) If you notice things stepping out of the field and then trying to gain entry back around the periphery of your space you can reinforce your set space firmly by stating "No manipulation here, I am God, I am Sovereign, I am Free. I command this space in the sanctity which is ONLY God in exchange with the Eternal Living Consciousness of Christ.

Today's "suggested for today" was a direct answer to what I was venting to Misha about which is feeling ...wondering... what was going on with the Ghost songs (satanic in nature) that play over and over and over in my head all night. Sleep has been fitful as well.... I wondered if it was trying to keep me from my dreamwalking or if it was part of the work there. I don't know. But I DO know that I can strengthen myself and protect myself by really committing to my shield and to God. To seeing myself safe and unaffected by the dark energy. I AM A COMPASSIONATE WITNESS. I came to learn about it and potentially reverse engineer it. All of the stuff that is coming up with Paul and I... from addiction programs, to sexual misery programs, to misogyny and patriarchal domination, to selfishness and self-centered living, vampirism, narcissism, and manipulation. There is SO MUCH! And it's in me too which is why I recognize it! It's a gift to see it because then I can take it to God and work to clear my negative ego. This is my work. It's time to clear this sucker in earnest. I don't do as good a job when I'm not nourished well and when I haven't slept. 

I'm tired of being used. But I can't try to stop or control anyone else. I have to let Paul do whatever he feels led to do and I'm responsible for MY response. I have been trying to show him things... tell... (teach, you see?) him things... this is the "being the holy spirit"... I can't do that. That's not my roll and it has the opposite effect.

I have to love everyone. Even the pedophiles... I mean...that's not nice and it probably isn't exactly true, but it is true. One of our friends is sickly in love with a child. What can I do about it? I want the friend to know that they are loved but I don't want to encourage that behavior. So I have to watch it. Why am I here God? Have I done something wrong? 

It's my vibration. What will my vibration be? LOVE? That's what I want. But Paul just eats it. Let him. And generate more. BE LOVE NOW. This is my job. 

I'm being groomed to be an Archon...come back to the dark side.... NAA for life. NO WAY!! I don't want to be a Negative! I am a CHILD OF GOD! I AM GOD SOVEREIGN FREE! I AM KRYSTIC! I AM CHRIST-SOPHIA!  Thank you GOD.

So.... things will change when Paul goes to work. Let him do him. "Do me and let Paul be."

I feel like we're on a rollercoaster...some days it's easy and some days it's not. Does it depend on Paul's mood? Both of our moods? Maybe we are both co-dependant? I definitely am. When he's not happy (like today), then I don't feel I can be happy. But now I am choosing to be happy anyway! 

The snarls of confusion like last night 2 1/4 hours of I have no idea what kind of discussion that was - it went round and round. I should choose not to speak. I knew he wanted a blowjob and if we went to bed without it, it would not be good - he'd radiate that passive-aggresive ugly energy .... like the dark fumes coming off a demon. Hmmm. That's what it is. 

So this makes me think I need to get out ... but I'm on the verge of maybe finding peace and happiness if he gets a good job and feels good about himself and gets confident and wants to take care of a family.... maybe it could be good. He WAS turning his life around last year.... he could continue. Right now he's stuck in gluttony and laziness. Not scripting. Playing solitaire all day the last couple days. It's sad. 

He's desperate to spend money because he thinks that will make him feel better. 

He owes me for my tax return and for the extra money he spent on shipping because he didn't do what he said he was going to do. So if he pays me the $4000 he owes...probably closer to $5K, but I'd be okay with the $4K, then I wouldn't feel completely ripped off and we will have had a good run... a learning experience. 

Is this one of the Ai versions of my true beloved? Or is it him? Seems like we have the same architecture and like we are both supposed to be healing it. I have to honor his own choice and path and that which he wanted to experience. 

I just want joy. Peace. Love. Kindness. How can I get it? It comes from within me. "Do me and let Paul be."

Venting

I feel resentful because I am working - a few hours a day anyway - PLUS it has fallen on me to take care of the dogs most of the time. He does it when he wants to but he doesn't usually want to. He likes to feed Sioux and pick up her poop at night although in 3 months he still hasn't dumped the wheelbarrow once. He does what he wants and expects everyone to work around him. He won't put the dog walk first. He gets all stressed out that in the whole day he hasn't "finished his morning stuff" (which is a list of things like "take supplements", "play solitaire", "play majong", and he has a brain game he plays. There's not much else. I don't know what's on his list but it stresses him out and takes all day to get it done. He's like purposely creating stress in his life. Maybe this is a way to trigger his adrenals because he's so depleted. When I painted him the first time I saw how depleted he was. 

Last night he left me and slept in the other room because I was sick and wanted to listen to my meditations which we usually listen to every night but last night he decided he wanted to listen to his hypnotization for success thing. We listened to that together one night and he had it so loud that I had to put a pillow over my head. (I see my VV there.) Anyway, I needed my own space because I slept with the light on most of the night and my "clear black magic" page open on my ESF binder and listening to various meditations to support what was happening. So it was in his and my best interest for him to sleep in the other room so I need to focus on that. 

He just wants to have sex with me - especially blowjobs - when he wants to. That's his only focus. Oh. I just remembered Julie. I see now what she was talking about. He's very self-centered and selfish. The only other person he looks out for is Manson but he is not always kind to Manson. He hits him and torments him sometimes. He doesn't put his needs first. It's really a problem.

So SEE.
See how we only watch what he wants to watch. 
See how I cook and do laundry and make myself available to have sex when he wants to.
PATRIARCHAL DOMINATION

For what? For his smile or attention for a little bit?
He's a master manipulator.
I've been focused and worried about my own lunar tendencies but this is Satanic energy at it's "best" (worst!)!
God, please help and show me what to do. How to move forward. What am I supposed to do?

_____

2:29 Today's theme = butterfly. I saw two live ones that caught my consciousness and Paul sent a meme that involved them. (Note, yesterday the theme was large cats/like tigers and lions and eagles).

The spiritual meaning of a butterfly has to do with spiritual rebirth, transformation, creativity, infinite potential, vibrant joy, change, and an ability to experience the wonder of life.

I like that. (From: https://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/butterfly-meaning/)

Paul and I had a bit of a fight on the dog walk but then we talked and it helped and we did the 60-second igniter exercise. I feel heard and hope he does too. We are on the verge of healing - he's close to getting a job and I think that will balance things out. We had a candid conversation and I think as he gets healty his consciousness will continue to lead him to deeper healing and revelations about how he spends his time and what he allows to program him.

I'm still 2:33 feeling good about quitting sugar. I even feel repulsed by it so that's good. I have dried fruit that I can use as "junk food" if needed. I don't need the processed sugar AT ALL. 

14:43 13:33 12:43 12:44

Rolled October 2017 "Returning Aspects from Metatronic Net Fields".
2:48

4:35 Wasps are also here today. I saw another butterfly. But we also have wasps trying to build a house here which may represent black magic. I'm grateful to God that I got to spend some time in the sun.

That meditation was powerful. I feel so much kundalini energy moving through. I'm nauseous again too. This is integration and activation. Just take good care of myself. Yes! Tea! Good idea!

Rainbow Dragons?

 Maybe not the most clear but it was good to post in ESF again. I need to post more. I'll have more time to interact with the forums when Paul is at work. I'll get better ... I'll get back in alignment. I need to get back to health and wholeness and clean off our aura and space. Whether Paul (or my ego) recognizes it, Paul and I ARE tied together so the good I do for myself heals both of us. He's my beloved. Anyway... here's my post:

For the past couple years I've thought that the rainbow light layers I see around me (when I'm out in the sun) have looked like a sort of reptile skin. I wonder if this is rainbow dragon skin and related to part of the consciousness I am helping to restore to Kryst-Krystallah?

I've been thinking about how dragons are reptiles and how the earth is overrun with reptilian consciousness (running rampant through negative ego). Did we come here to get into these earthling suits to work with the restoration of the human template from inverted reptillian consciousness (is this what we call black dragon gestalt?) to organic Christ-Sophianic consciousness (as a solar rainbow dragon...must also be gestalt)? MMMMmmm. Well, let's just work this out a little here. First, the lunar is the opposite of solar. We definitely are working to purge the lunar distortions and that results in organic, life-giving, solar-consciousness... LOVE. Lunar is vampiric. Solar is LOVE...LIFE-GIVING.

I am currently working with the possibility that the "black dragon" is actually benevolent. Perhaps it's part of the dark matter template which is an organic part of us. Life and death are both organic. When power and control corrupts the process to try to siphon or manipulate it, that's when it gets ugly. The whole yin and yang thing ... both make up the whole. We can't have ALL "light"... the dark balances and provides space for healing and rest and restoration.

In my mind (or heart)'s eye, I've seen in me and one or two others what appeared to be a black dragon superimposed on a rainbow dragon. I thought it was maybe related to an "Indigo3" contract where we have what I understand to be a type of Oraphim consciousness supporting the reclamation of a hybridized nephilim-type (distorted from krystic template) consciousness. It may be that. But it may also be representing the shadow and the light - both of which are beautiful.

I guess I've thought of the word "shadow" to mean the "ugly" parts of myself... the parts that need to be dragged into the light to be destroyed. But looking at them as the enemy perpetuates resistance which actually nails them in deeper. ("What you resist persists.") I guess I'm slow on the uptake here as I've heard people talk about this for a long time, but until we come to the realization for ourselves the concepts others bring forward just fuel the mind.... but... I am finally beginning to understand that I need to LOVE and ACCEPT my shadow. Love and accept my friend the black dragon (mine has beautiful blue eyes). If I can sit in the void or in suffering or in discomfort or in an "ugly" disposition and just feeeeeeeeel it (compassionately witness), it opens a portal to integration. Welllllll... I'm definitely not saying anything new here (this is classic Timeline Override Sequence ), but it is unpacking for me a little more as I type it out so thank you for bearing witness.

What I really wanted to note was my question about the rainbow dragon and how I wonder if that is the expression of the healed/restored reptilian consciousness?

What a ride!
Love to ALL,
Carissa

___

Well, my AG pick feels related or at least builds on what I shared. I think that the next stage of this 7D/Crux Removal is this dissolution of the chakra membranes and access to the Inner Worlds Domain. I think this is what is "up" for me now.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Inner_World_Domain

___

It seems to me that I DO have multiple consciousnesses. One of them - the one that wrote the post above - is either "playing dumb" or is slower on the uptake than the One that I AM. It's weird. I already KNOW but there is more information that continues to keep my higher consciousness updated... all the AG picks like the Inner World Domains and White Diamond Elohiei and Hapshetsut's Temple, etc.... those are educating my HIGHER consciousness, not the one that is talking up there about dragons and reptillian conscousness, although that one does make some interesting observations. Let's not split. Is that what's happening here with forum energies? 

I was being tempted to "split" the other day with that vision of giving my dad a blowjob. Trying to remain grounded and accept and love through it and then a little later there were colors - purple especially. Was this the false violet ray or healing 7D energies? And then some other temptations to lose my mind which I chose to stand firm. Very interesting. 

___ 
Just rolled a meditation and got September 2018 - The Golden Cube - about connecting with inner solar temple.
https://esfoundations.com/community/platinum-archives/download/2-platinum-archives/1030-2018sepascensionmeditation

God, THANK YOU!!!

____

9:09 am 3/17/22 - that was an intense night. Activations? From Gold Cube? Needing to clear Crux Implants and do Microcosmic Orbit. I was sick most of the night - clearing black magic, trying to feel into (instead of fear) discomfort - nausea, upset stomach, diarreah mostly - with some hot/cold and CNS stuff. Health upgrade.

I have these scripts from Ghost (currently "there's darkness at the heart of my love"), Tiger King, and Monk - dreams about them, thinking about them, etc.... running through my head. THIS is programming. THIS is what "they" are trying to do to shut down Krystic conscoiusness. My consciousness is needed to support the reclamation of the Earth and instead it's tied up with these TV programs and my body is depleted and weakened from eating poison foods - SUGAR especially. 

I feel strongly that I shouldn't eat another drop of sugar. Stay away from it. I ate almost a whole half gallon of Walmart Sea Salt ice cream yesterday - I threw away the last 1/8 or so but it was poison and may also be why I got sick. I also am starting new supplements and took the pine bark one last night. 

BUT I think that the main thing is that I was working on healing... integrating energies. Activations. Thank you God!

Thank you God

God came to me today in so many ways including in Moses' nose. His rainbow dragon nose was shimmering rainbow goodness - especially teal and purple.

Last night I had an orgasm. I also felt into some trauma memories having to do with blowjobs and maybe a father figure. I also had a big cry release when Paul was so kind and cleaned me with the cum rag first... an act of love, kindness, service.... I just broke and sobbed. It was beautiful.

"I release control and surrender to the flow of love, that will heal me".
Lots of supportive songs including "you can't rush your healing". I also really love Ghost's "Spillways".

We're going to Jim & Dee's with some steaks to enjoy company and good food. Paul is sleeping and I need to wake him. He was up since 1am and had 2 big things to do this morning. He filled out paperwork and did tests at the temp agency and then he had an interview that Jim O'Malley set up for him at Rooms-To-Go in Dunn. He has a second interview at the one in Fayetteville (which is where he'd work) on Wednesday.

It was great to have some space today... I don't like him being so far away, but knowing he was doing something productive and that made him happy and strong allowed me to let go and just "do me and let Paul be". 

I have been working and productive. I have been connected to spirit. I have meditated, enjoyed the sun, listened to my heart. I have also cleaned the house - vacuumed and cleaned floors and took out trash and folded laundry. I feel space, margin, peace and that things are looking up.

"I release control and surrender to the flow of love....that will heal me."

I am GRATEFUL for GOD, and HOME, and FAMILY.... FAMILY IS HOME. I am grateful for Paul and our budding relationship and I'm sorry that I thought about throwing it to the wind. I need to see how I am prone to this impulsive emotionality. What we have is a blessing. He is powerful, beautiful, and just living his life - exploring shadows and the things he came to feel into. 

I love our dogs, fish, horse, chickens. I love the sun! I love our home. It's cozy. I love our loveseat and watching Monk with Paul. I love giving and recieving foot massages. I feel that Paul is my deepest family on the deepest level - playmate, partner, and what I came here to do-be-connect with and IN.

Become so negative

God gave me THIS this morning and it's ON POINT
https://www.kellybroganmd.com/blog/codependent-addicted-toxic-love#readfreely

I just rolled the dice and got January 2013 meditation - HGS Calibration. 

I noticed and the Paul said ... that I am the most negative person he knows.  I feel I have become negative since we've been together. Feels like the Satanic energies are engulfing me. The metatronic reversal. My negative ego. This is true. And without time to do my clearings and self-care (I haven't taken the time... FORCED the time)... this is truly happening. 

Yesterday or the day before I had a beautiful time with myself in the mirror. I need more ME. 

I feel bad.

Inside.

Paul took us to Golden Corral ("at the trough" as Steve used to say). I over-ate which doesn't help anything. 

Feeling big energies coming down. May I please embody them?!

MAKE ROOM.

__

Perhaps we'll make some connections with this in May when we go to Florida? https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/White_Temple_of_Solomon

We start over

We lost all our photos. 
We start fresh. 

[tears]

Ansuz

 Pulled the Ansuz rune just now.  Meaning = mouth. Summary = signals, inspiration, speech, voice of the Goddess, true vision, synthesis

Thank you God. 

I just need to feel into where I AM. Uncomfortable. Crying. Feel it all. 

It's for me and ME. Choose LIFE and LOVE beautiful sister Carissa, my Beloved, my best friend. My darling and dear. 

The computer breaking is part of it ... you are the programmer. Remember the dream. This is your script. Choose. I choose LOVE. I choose GOD. I choose my purpose and kindness and to SEE. I choose to feel and transit those lower energies that are holding us back. 

Rules of Sex for Wives

This is an email I just got from Paul. I read the subsequent article and would like to discuss it with ME before I respond to him. IF I respond to him... not sure that is the best option.

From: Paul D Newman <pnewman.bvm@gmail.com>

Subject: A long-lasting, happy relationship.

Date: March 6, 2022 at 12:55:10 PM EST

To: Carissa Wages <crwages@gmail.com>

Reply-To: Paul D Newman <pnewman.bvm@gmail.com>

This article came across my feed today and it blew me away how good and accurate it is. Please read every word of it. While it is based on biblical teachings, it is without a doubt anchored in the reality of how interpersonal relationships between men and women work. If you really “get” this, we will have an incredibly long and blissfully happy relationship. If you don’t get this, we are doomed to years of misery. The moment has come to make a choice and be ALL IN or nothing. I love you with all my heart and soul. You have a very good and loving, spiritually minded man who has chosen you to be his partner in building a happy life. This is absolutely 100% essential to that happy life. Neither of us will ever be happy without it. I can’t stress enough the seriousness of my plea to you. Please read this, meditate on it, and then discuss it with me. I prayed for this yesterday and today the universe answered. This is the answer. 

https://biblicalsexology.com/2021/05/16/10-rules-of-sex-for-wives/

Sent from Paul’s iPhone. 

So this article pretty much says to do what your husband says - "be his pet" pretty much sums it up.... he can kick the pet if he wants and he can stick his penis in his pet when he wants and where he wants and he can degrade and humiliate his pet and she better be smiling while he does so he doesn't have to feel guilty for going against his own soul which knows that it is supposed to CHERISH his beloved.

This isn't about a beloved...this is about a slave.
The bible verses are a joke, sham, and gross...they are a trick to give it some "authority" for people who don't know better, but I assure you... I DO.

GOD KNOWS MY HEART. God's will be done. 
I don't want him to take Paul away. I want Paul to awaken to the beautiful Krystic being he IS. I need to maintain my connection to Source in order to best honor WE ARE ONENESS WE ARE. 

I DO need to take care of my body - exercise and eat well and it would be nice to wear nice clothes and to be an adornment for Paul. The thing is, I'm MUCH MORE. I'm his partner - his divine beloved. Of course his Satanic ego-driven 3D self wants all the gratification it can get, but that is not THE WAY OF LOVE. Love is about serving the other. Love is about generosity, kindness, patience, discipline, diligence, humility, and purity (among other things but I like LR's list of the spirits of Christ). 

Respecting one another and making in love intentionally in PRESENCE is what I will commit to.

Notes from the void

Guardians, what do you think about Paul and I creating a beautiful life where we own a popular business where people come to learn about frequency healing and mineral balancing? Where we have healed ourselves and we live a sunlit life and have a beautiful comfortable home and office where we love on people - see them and hear them and comfort them and help them heal themselves. 

I must invest my time in learning and understanding the mechanics of minerals. And in meditation and for the supportive machines to show up. Could Puja be one of my best friends? 

Could Paul and I travel and feel really good in our bodies? 

Could I learn to live a life of pleasure? Sunlit pleasure. Krystic pleasure. Could Paul?

May we heal the lunar distortions and fkot and love everyone(including ourselves) just as we are in this moment!

When I have time when Paul is at work -
Malai Nextdoor 
Malai Preston Facebook
Malai hiring

Mineral balancing- learn and love

Meditation and more engagement in ES communities

We are on the cusp

_____

My pre-session write-up for Charlotte:

Dear Charlotte,
I am very much looking forward to our session on Monday! I pray you are feeling strong and rooted and watching the show unfold from a place of peace and neutrality. 

My intention for our session is to gain some course-correction in terms of any physical support I need for my body as well as healing and fortification of my lightbody. 

I feel like I’ve been in the trenches and I need help. I have lost ground in terms of lunar forces coming against (and frankly, through, me). In the last month I’ve found myself being a dark portal again and given much power back to my negative ego.

I think my “main thing” is Paul and fighting off the anti-HG splitter tech. I think I am supposed to be embodying and holding my personal HG union and light of Christ-Sophia so that he feels safe enough to embody his own. My personal battles with negative ego are causing me to do harm vs. the good that I am meant to do.

Enemy patterning comes up - I’m very adversarial and tend to attack my beloved. I’m demanding, judgement, critical, and controlling. Please don’t fire me or give up on me! I am here to heal this and need you and the Guardians to see that I WANT TO heal this once and for all!

Sexual trauma - I think - relating to to my father - is coming up for healing in dream state especially. Possibly holographic inserts though?

Things have been worse… but I also think I’ve been given a ton of support… I just am not as solid - not sticking to diet, meditation (the one during the day has been sent to the back burner often though I do my morning and evening routines and listen to meditations at night). When Paul gets a job (hopefully this week), I think we’ll be able to find our groove and I’ll have more space to get back to these very important matters. It’s just been a period of transition the last couple months.

I feel strongly he is an awakening emerald order brother and it’s confusing because there is so much satanic and luciferian influence (I meannnnn…. His body is tattooed with it and all his social media content and the music he blares…most of it is satanic…. OVERTLY satanic. Which is, interestingly LESS satanic than some of the mainstream satanism hidden in plain sight. It’s confusing though. 

He needs help with his body too and I suggested he see you for some nutrition and homeopathic support - sounds like you emailed him back but I hadn’t heard anything since then. 

I feel VERY affected by the earth again - the, I guess it’s magnetic, shift at dusk each day seems to bring in something that triggers anxiety and discomfort. I just realized that it COULD be LIGHT coming in… it COULD BE like how in the fall and during Ophicus I feel the worst but it’s the void that allows density to shift and new energies to come in. I don’t know… but dusk, and I feel the weather fronts are affecting me again too. You gave me a homeopathic treatment last year that helped with that.

Poop-wise, I’m doing okay… I started taking a ton of probiotics because I ended up taking antibiotics (which I don’t do lightly…but I was in so much pain in my head - you and I talked about it during my last session…and it turns out I had a significant sinus infection and ear infections… I had been trying all the natural remedies but nothing helped and one day I woke up and felt that I should ask my pendulum if I should go to the urgent care and it said yes. It was a whole spiritual process of working with that … taking antibiotics. It ended up throwing my candida a party so I’ve been taking lots of probiotics which really helped my poop situation. I don’t always poop because I’ve been doing the coffee enemas daily again (and they cause me to have that broken up poop)… but I did note that I wanted to tell you that I HAD great poop for a while. I’ll pay attention from now until our session in case there are follow up questions. 

Dreams - yes, I’ve had a couple about my Dad. Last night I had one where I was in a bed with my Dad and two sisters. I was sitting at the foot of the bed and my Dad was on the left side with my sister Corie in the middle and my sister Page on the right. I scribbled in my journal:
"…Dad confessing and having hard time with …Corie got it out of him by questioning him…something about being attracted to his daughter. And I was trying to chime in (in my egoic “I know the answer” way that everyone resists)…I wanted to tell him about Nephilim and DNA / Sexual misery program etc. I think. My Mom was then sitting on the bed and when they didn’t want to hear but I mumbled something about a curse, she heard and saw me and she already knew. Her eyes were bright. Just now thinking back it reminded me of Lisa Renee somehow. The dream continued and I was - we were- working toward healing and disclosure. Something about a steak - probably unrelated. I wanted to tell my Dad I felt it too - it wasn’t just him. He wasn’t evil. Guilt is the trap. We have to - get to -must see it. See what’s going on. Thank you God. I don’t know if Dad did anything with his thoughts or if the thoughts were enough to damage us all but I choose forgiveness and healing and want everyone to, please.” 4:11/4

Emotions: I’m all over the place. Really disconcerting as I had found a peace but when I came into union with Paul I’ve gone backwards. BUT I think I had just been working on my own inner HG and now we’re working with a new layer in the external HG union. Definitely in wing-land now! This morning I wrenched my left shoulder and neck and it’s so stiff. But I’ve had a ton of pain in my left front shoulder for the past few weeks - l wrote some notes a couple days ago to share with you about what’s been going on physically. It’s always changing.

Here’s what I wrote:
Left thumb pain …both at one point but left has continued
Left shoulder - squeezing, radiating and throbbing - thought I was having heart attack a couple days. This was coupled with anxiety for a few days - strong fear - had some good cries moving density
Pains in left rib and left abdomen
Each of my ankles collapsed one one day, the other the other
A little dizziness, headache, sinus, and week-long cold
Vagina itching and discharge (liquidy - not yeasty, but feels like yeast infection would - itchy - tried using yeast infection insert last month. This month I tried boron suppository capsules.)
Felt that shard in my left chest center heart a handful of times this month
DARK MOTHER - LUNAR - DARK PORTAL - CONTROL TANTRUMS - FEAR, impulsivity, emotionality, confusion

On the eve of the New Moon which apparently there were some other planetary shifts having to do with Venus, Mars, and something else… I need to look it up, but that night (which was the night before I got my period too), I was a MONSTER! It was so confusing Charlotte! I was definitely in my pain body and lunar body but it felt like maybe Paul was in some sort of weird place too and I made it my pain body mission to draw him out and it was an awful battle (started at dusk and went until maybe 11). That day I found myself praying for him lots - trying to do clearings and begging God for help but I was doing it from this LUNAR place … it’s very confusing. I couldn’t access love. I WOULDN’T access love. UGH. It’s haunting me and I know I need to forgive myself but I also need to observe it. But ughhhhh…. That was unpleasant. 

We DID reach some understanding that helped us recommit to loving one another and seeing the unbalances we have - specifically with my throat chakra/communication being way too “open” and his being “closed”. And the same goes for our sexual centers… his are too “open” with mine being too “closed”… so I don’t know. Lots to learn. 

Supplement-wise … I guess I’ll just go through them again and make you a list. I would like to stop taking ALL OF THEM and try to get what I need from foods. I’m tired of the pills. Is that possible?

AM & PM Sunflower Lecithin - 1200 mg 
AM & PM Magnesium Bisgylcinate - 665 mg
AM & PM Ultimate Omega - Nordic Naturals Omega 3 - 1280 mg
AM & PM Paramin (Calcium 200mg, Magnesium 120mg, Boron 500mcg, Vit D 3.325mcg)
AM & PM GB-3 (black radish 130mg, ox bile 112mg, pancreatin 160mg)
AM & PM Zinc 22.5mg
AM & PM Pyridoxal-5-Phosphate 100mg

AM L-Serine 500mg (3x week)
AM CoQ10 200mg
AM L-Histadine 500mg
AM Se-Methyl L-Selenocysteine 200mcg
AM Vitamin D 125mcg

PM Probiotic
PM Methylcobalamin 1,000mcg
PM Vitamin K2 - MK-4 & MK-7
PM Liposomal Vitamin C - 1400mg
PM N-Acetyl Glucosamine - 700mg (2 on Saturday & Sunday)
PM Vitamin Code Raw Multi Vitamin
PM Taurine 500mg

Homeopathy - I take a EMF Combo and Adrenilinium daily

I hope that helps!
I hope YOU are doing okay. Crazy energies. Oh, SUCH CHALLENGING physical symptoms this year! There were many days I thought I was going to die. Another opportunity to surrender to it. I have so much going on all the levels and things are shifting quickly so I’m really only tapped in to what has been going on the last week….and this is not all inclusive because I forget. 

Gosh this is long!
Have a great weekend and we’ll talk soon! 
VERY VERY VERY MUCH LOVE and APPRECIATION!!
Love,
Carissa

Meditations and stuff

Just pulled this meditation: Genetic Mutation of Mind Control Correction

Last night I pulled the "Removal of Crucifixion Implants" again in the middle of the night. A twofer in ONE DAY. 

12:44
____

Waffee was a magical experience!
Paul has a pretty good job possibility!
Paul pushed me around in the canoe in the sun which was fun. We... mostly he... meditated. But it was good.
Needing heart healing and opening. Deep breaths. Ear.

____

Posted in ESF for first time in a long time:

Dear Rosemary and Katie, Thank you. Such intense and tumultuous times we are sharing!

Rosemary, your dream definitely resonates with me in that I feel that Paul and I are working in that area with Louisiana too - lots of black magic. Two days ago I believe I witnessed an artifact be ejected from my beloved that was like a mixture of a spikey grenade and voodoo doll. Paul was born and raised in that area and I have felt assigned to the Mississippian indigenous tribes (in a way).... so it feels like my consciousness could have been in the car with you.

I feel concerned hearing how we were having that "experience in the opposite direction" because I think it's true in a way - I have really been feeling like I've digressed so much in the last few weeks especially - like I've really lost some significant battles, giving more space/wormholes to entities that are trying to kill - split - destroy both Paul and I (including "us").

Katie, I've also been feeling the anti-HG splitter tech - desperately trying to dismantle and send it out! Last night I was very weak - my pain body was in high gear (I know why now - I got my period overnight. I think it started at 3:33/3 ! I was woken up and wrote it down!) Anyway... I don't think it's just me that is super-prone to pain body attacks right before our period and this one was a doozie! Paul and I had the most non-sensical, soul-destructive, emo-drama, walk-away-in-the-cold-and-dark, I'm-packing-my-bags, horrible night! All the old players were there with their tricks and gaslighting, and dramatizing, and ego-inflating, and self-centered whining, and their big shiny scissors that they were using to shred BOTH of our lightbodies!

If it weren't for ES, especially the daily Gathering Page bounty where God whispers targeted encouragement and insight to my heart, I would feel like I had been flushed down the toilet. But I'm not. I'm here. I know I'm in the midst of battle and I need to cling to hand/footholds (spiritual tools) and just do my best to keep my heart and eyes open. I need to stay awake. I need to see the TRUTH of what's going on here and why. I've been given insight that it is related to another level of healing wing trauma for both of us. For me 7D is up (Arcturus is beaming rainbow aurora light at me every day, my left shoulder is branded, crucifixion implants on my left side are pinging and aching)... and I feel that my family is supporting me from the stars (and here on earth)! I'm grateful to get to participate with awakening Albion and I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if I look like a tattered mess - I can't give up this time. I can't lay down and die this time.

Mostly I just have to keep begging for help. And releasing - crying - purging the emotions and densities. I need to see the distortions. Overcome the negative ego impulses. This IS where the rubber meets the road. I have to just keep working the tools - frankly I've gone back to the beginning to read the Krystal Aegis and think that's exactly what I need right now.

Whoo - I'm sorry for the dump but I needed to share. I've wanted to share in the container but haven't known where to begin. Thank you for the place to drop it. I know our family is with me always but there is power and love here that magnifies healing.

I've been pretty active in dream-state as well.

3 nights ago I had a dream where my father had my sister and I on leashes, presumably to partake in sexual activities.

Another night I was walking with my dad in snow covered mountains and it was so bright that it kept blowing out my vision like if you had a camera aperture open too much. I was trying to get back to some clothes.

I think lots of sexual healing opportunities. My vagina has been itching like crazy but it appears to be the trauma retracing itch (I have gotten that over the years - it's from somewhere deeper and frankly I want to scratch my genitals off. I thought it might be candida getting crazy - parasites partying. But I don't think so. And in general I think I'm also just getting some etheric work done on my female anatomy which Lisa mentioned may happen.

I had a good few days this past week where most of the night a Ghost song called "Monstrance Clock" was playing all night - the part that says "come together, together as a one" just repeated over and over and over. (It continues to say "come together for lucifer's son" but that part wasn't on repeat)... the music is obviously satanic in nature and I am curious if it's an attack (or battle for my consciousness) or me working with the satanic and luciferian energies.

Anyway, lots of activity but nothing else in particular is coming up to share now.

Much love to all!
Carissa

The struggle is real

Maybe I can communicate it here. I would like to communicate it in the ES forum but I'm not sure if I can succinctly communicate... I also want to be careful about what I create with my words. But there's no fear... just share from my heart.

My heart is a mess. 
I am watching myself tearing my beloved DOWN instead of building him up. WORMHOLES. (Today's AG pick.) But what's interesting is that when last night we only had love and no dark portal from me and he ended up dark portaling himself... he stabbed his own eyeball with a needle... triggering me to think that he was stupid. I was genuinely worried about him and fed the energy... that energy was INORGANIC... he was attacking himself... injuring his own body. His right eye has been bleeding for 3 days...today's the 4th... and last night he thought he should scrape off the blood blister that was pooling. 

I can't look at eyes or do blood so I got Michael out of bed and he called Ammi. It was 11:12 when I came to his apartment to ask him to come. 

But I've been waffling back a....

1/1:43 I used the word "waffling" which just took me away because a billboard I saw yesterday got my attention and made me want to go to this new waffle place in Micro. It's not open until tomorrow morning but I just researched it and looked at the menu and am drooling. Bad news. Impulse control.

This is what I've been programmed to think about myself ...that I don't think ...that I'm impulsive and all about instant gratification. And fat. And make poor decisions. This is not true. I have access to all truth. I AM GSF! I AM a powerful creator and a force of LOVE! I AM KIND, SUPPORTIVE, PATIENT, GENEROUS, LOVING. 

Anyway... re: Paul... I keep wanting to run away. I keep judging him. I keep pushing him down and back ... waffling between doing that ... CONTROL... yes, Kirk, LILLITH DARK MOTHER LUNAR energy and repentance and surrender. 

I think that my judgements, criticism, and direction is SUPPORTIVE...that I'm doing it to HELP him. But I don't do it with the right SPIRIT. It comes from LUNAR distortions, not SOLAR LIGHT and that feels differently, triggering him to shut down which triggers me to push harder.

This is where the rubber meets the road. 
FEAR. LUNAR FORCES. It's here. Mother is here... my left wing...shoulder has been activated... radiating. 

___
Going out to sun.
___

Listening to the Foundations call I learned this whole Arcturus thing is related to 7D which is where I'm having shoulder discomfort and this is related to Crucifixion Implants and I just rolled the die and got 2/10 - "Removal of Crucifixion Implants". Thank you God.

Yesterday such pain in left side abdomen too... and I've been feeling spleen implant for at least last month. Thank you God for helping me.