Thank you God

God came to me today in so many ways including in Moses' nose. His rainbow dragon nose was shimmering rainbow goodness - especially teal and purple.

Last night I had an orgasm. I also felt into some trauma memories having to do with blowjobs and maybe a father figure. I also had a big cry release when Paul was so kind and cleaned me with the cum rag first... an act of love, kindness, service.... I just broke and sobbed. It was beautiful.

"I release control and surrender to the flow of love, that will heal me".
Lots of supportive songs including "you can't rush your healing". I also really love Ghost's "Spillways".

We're going to Jim & Dee's with some steaks to enjoy company and good food. Paul is sleeping and I need to wake him. He was up since 1am and had 2 big things to do this morning. He filled out paperwork and did tests at the temp agency and then he had an interview that Jim O'Malley set up for him at Rooms-To-Go in Dunn. He has a second interview at the one in Fayetteville (which is where he'd work) on Wednesday.

It was great to have some space today... I don't like him being so far away, but knowing he was doing something productive and that made him happy and strong allowed me to let go and just "do me and let Paul be". 

I have been working and productive. I have been connected to spirit. I have meditated, enjoyed the sun, listened to my heart. I have also cleaned the house - vacuumed and cleaned floors and took out trash and folded laundry. I feel space, margin, peace and that things are looking up.

"I release control and surrender to the flow of love....that will heal me."

I am GRATEFUL for GOD, and HOME, and FAMILY.... FAMILY IS HOME. I am grateful for Paul and our budding relationship and I'm sorry that I thought about throwing it to the wind. I need to see how I am prone to this impulsive emotionality. What we have is a blessing. He is powerful, beautiful, and just living his life - exploring shadows and the things he came to feel into. 

I love our dogs, fish, horse, chickens. I love the sun! I love our home. It's cozy. I love our loveseat and watching Monk with Paul. I love giving and recieving foot massages. I feel that Paul is my deepest family on the deepest level - playmate, partner, and what I came here to do-be-connect with and IN.