On the Table

I'm putting it on the table to think about... to let God lead....

But God, this person isn't acting like my partner. He either wants to dominate me or operate as victimized weakling. He does not love me. Sometimes he commits to saying the words, but it is not authentic. He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't love himself.

I have let myself go too... let my love and relationship with ME and my Godself - GOD - slip to the back burner. Going through the motions in a way. I know YOU are still with me, but I AM not "tapped in, turned on, and tuned in."

I don't think it's in my best interest to be in a relationship with this man as it stands. I was trying to wait until he had means to take care of himself and us and tomorrow he starts a job - 3 months after he got here. There were excuses for 3 months. He said he could get a job in a week. He didn't even go to Tractor Supply to try. After my begging and then my sister's, he submitted an application online, but he never followed up. He didn't try.

It doesn't matter. It's his life and his plans. What about MY LIFE? MY heart and desires? MY DESIRE is to live peacefully and in JOY.... to connect to GOD SOURCE at all times and operate from a place of peace and connection. This relationship has put a damper on that. 

I want my friends and community back. I am enriched and inspired and filled with LOVE with them. With Paul I am being manipulated and used. He wants me for blow jobs. He hasn't even tried to do any tantric sex or explore things that are important to me. He doesn't meditate anymore or script or do yoga. Nothing that was promised. It's who he wanted to be and who he was becoming and who he COULD become, but he's being attacked too. Taken off course. The parasites are after us both.

But I need to cut the ties and burn the ships.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOVrOuKVBuY

Thank you God.
Tingles everywhere. 
listen.

____

8:58
What a day. The parasites - candida are trying to eat me. I do not consent!! I have to stop feeding them!

Well I shared my goal of being roommates/friends with Paul and I felt we had some good topics... really digging into the why and what. Real deep work. I understand that my goal was to create a situation where I could realign with my Godself and where he could do the same to support our individual embodiment. I hoped to get back to that spiritual place we both were when we met. I wanted to heal and take my co-dependency "off the table" in order to focus on my relationship between ME and me. 

I also didn't want to hear about bj's and swallowing any more... I was tired of it and felt beat over the head. I felt our connection was damaged in all of the areas (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual). 

We had good conversation over the course of the day culminating in what I felt to be a great, powerful, healing conversation tonight. Paul said he would not bring up the bj thing for 1-2 months and we could invest our sexual connection in tantric and new ways to connect - apparently tantric is like meditation and sex which sounds perfect! 

We also talked about his SEEING HIMSELF as a leader... just BEING the leader.... and I felt he got it for the first time. And we talked about him "calling me out on my shit"....and how much I appreciated that. There were a lot of good things. So we aren't going to just be roommates....we're going to keep chipping away at this. 

He said that him starting a job is a big deal - feeling like he's contributing.... that's huge. He said he hasn't felt like he could be the leader because he felt like he was dependent on me. A new era. He startes tomorrow at 6am. Eep! So early. 

I've got to get this candida under control. Eating sugar is NOT HELPING. I have to stop it. No more!! (After tomorrow's "Waffee Date" with Deirdre.) 

God, thank you. I love you! I love Paul!