Venting

I feel resentful because I am working - a few hours a day anyway - PLUS it has fallen on me to take care of the dogs most of the time. He does it when he wants to but he doesn't usually want to. He likes to feed Sioux and pick up her poop at night although in 3 months he still hasn't dumped the wheelbarrow once. He does what he wants and expects everyone to work around him. He won't put the dog walk first. He gets all stressed out that in the whole day he hasn't "finished his morning stuff" (which is a list of things like "take supplements", "play solitaire", "play majong", and he has a brain game he plays. There's not much else. I don't know what's on his list but it stresses him out and takes all day to get it done. He's like purposely creating stress in his life. Maybe this is a way to trigger his adrenals because he's so depleted. When I painted him the first time I saw how depleted he was. 

Last night he left me and slept in the other room because I was sick and wanted to listen to my meditations which we usually listen to every night but last night he decided he wanted to listen to his hypnotization for success thing. We listened to that together one night and he had it so loud that I had to put a pillow over my head. (I see my VV there.) Anyway, I needed my own space because I slept with the light on most of the night and my "clear black magic" page open on my ESF binder and listening to various meditations to support what was happening. So it was in his and my best interest for him to sleep in the other room so I need to focus on that. 

He just wants to have sex with me - especially blowjobs - when he wants to. That's his only focus. Oh. I just remembered Julie. I see now what she was talking about. He's very self-centered and selfish. The only other person he looks out for is Manson but he is not always kind to Manson. He hits him and torments him sometimes. He doesn't put his needs first. It's really a problem.

So SEE.
See how we only watch what he wants to watch. 
See how I cook and do laundry and make myself available to have sex when he wants to.
PATRIARCHAL DOMINATION

For what? For his smile or attention for a little bit?
He's a master manipulator.
I've been focused and worried about my own lunar tendencies but this is Satanic energy at it's "best" (worst!)!
God, please help and show me what to do. How to move forward. What am I supposed to do?

_____

2:29 Today's theme = butterfly. I saw two live ones that caught my consciousness and Paul sent a meme that involved them. (Note, yesterday the theme was large cats/like tigers and lions and eagles).

The spiritual meaning of a butterfly has to do with spiritual rebirth, transformation, creativity, infinite potential, vibrant joy, change, and an ability to experience the wonder of life.

I like that. (From: https://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/butterfly-meaning/)

Paul and I had a bit of a fight on the dog walk but then we talked and it helped and we did the 60-second igniter exercise. I feel heard and hope he does too. We are on the verge of healing - he's close to getting a job and I think that will balance things out. We had a candid conversation and I think as he gets healty his consciousness will continue to lead him to deeper healing and revelations about how he spends his time and what he allows to program him.

I'm still 2:33 feeling good about quitting sugar. I even feel repulsed by it so that's good. I have dried fruit that I can use as "junk food" if needed. I don't need the processed sugar AT ALL. 

14:43 13:33 12:43 12:44

Rolled October 2017 "Returning Aspects from Metatronic Net Fields".
2:48

4:35 Wasps are also here today. I saw another butterfly. But we also have wasps trying to build a house here which may represent black magic. I'm grateful to God that I got to spend some time in the sun.

That meditation was powerful. I feel so much kundalini energy moving through. I'm nauseous again too. This is integration and activation. Just take good care of myself. Yes! Tea! Good idea!