I probably need a little help sorting this out. Paul's response was essentially, "you're controlling". And this is true. Here's what he said:
I don’t have time to give you a lengthy reply right now. But here is a short one: I believe that we are soulmates and belong together. Every action I take is in the hopes of it bringing us closer together. You are constantly driving a wedge. You say it’s my decision, but ultimately it isn’t. If I want us to stay together and you want us to split- I’m powerless to stop you. This to me is just another instance of fighting to be in charge. You don’t have to. You don’t have to fight me. You can allow me to lead and then I’ll be able to make decisions that bring us closer together. I choose togetherness.
I feel that I am "controlling" to try to gain back some semblance of "control" or "ownership" of my life. I feel that I keep giving myself away to these people and then I'm disappointed when I don't get/experience what I want. What do I want? That's the main question. A book asked me that yesterday and I initially said peace and alignment/embodiment of my higher self or soul is what I actually said.
I want to run away when I don't feel happy. I don't fight for it. I run and hope that the other person pursues me. Why? Because I want to be loved and I want things to change and if they pursue me it means, to me, that they want me. But maybe they don't want me, maybe they don't want to be left and they are conditioned to fight. I am a freezer or a fleer.
I like our HOME here. I like the actual setup and plants and light. Change is hard for me now ... Charlotte said "fear of change"... but maybe I'm holding myself back. I felt much more alive and aligned in the mountains. I also have to wait for DRT.
I just found some affordable rentals in Asheville. I reached out earlier to a barn in the mountains that said they had a dry-lot. It was $500/mo to board Sioux which would be worth it to me if she's happy and taken care of. I would just need to get a second job. A part-time job probably so that I could spend some time with the doggies.
What would Paul like to do?
I could also maybe rent a room from Jannelle which would give her some extra income. Maybe I could pay Michael to take care of Sioux.
10:49 Just talked to Michael who was very nice. He believes so strongly that things are going to change soon - NESARA and GESARA etc. He said that I tend to jump from the frying pan into the fire which is true and encouraged me not to make any rash decisions. To just hang tight for a few months.
I think we need to separate money probably so that I can "fund" my groceries and manage money the way I want to. Him choosing to put money toward a $30 pair of underwear subscription and not to give any toward groceries isn't comfortable.
We can stay together if he splits the animal budgets. If not, then we can be roommates until we come up with something else. I think that's what it comes down to.
I want to keep looking toward the mountains. 11:53
I feel bad within myself. I feel confused - in a state of confusion. In a field of lies. I can't see clearly. Depression is upon me.
Get my eyes of Paul and others - judgment isn't the WAY. Keep my eyes on God... on ME. Learn to love and fill myself.
THIS IS WHERE THE HEALING BEGINS.
Also, being around Le'Anna and others who do not have peace in their field seems to be contagious... those demons hop on me.
Also I'm trying to understand whether I need to partake in Lisa Renee's "spells"... aka, do I NEED to do "shielding" and "command personal space", etc. I think that they really seem to help.... but is it perception or a trick or a cord? Could I be free to live and connect to God organically? God was with me powerfully before I learned of Lisa but I've grown exponentially since connecting with ES. Hasn't a lot of this happened since I left OmniLov3? Losing the protection of that group field? But is that a mental construct that I've created? Couldn't I be strong and powerful on my own or with my own teams? Aren't my teams connected to ALL? And what about Dr. Wilson? How come he wrote about Niacin today? I took a large dose of it on Tuesday and it did seem to cause anxiety and today he said not to take large doses and that people use it for toxin removal. Is it the INFORMATION of what it's used for (toxin removal) that God wanted to show me through that or truly a warning? DW suggests coffee enemas, Charlotte says no. It's really pitted me against myself... it also overflows into the program I'm supposed to be learning... that's based on DW's findings but it's different than what I've trusted from Charlotte.
I need to connect with myself and learn to hear my own voice which will guide me. I can't put my hope in all these other people. Yoga and Qigong will heal me. Nourishing food and time in nature and breath will heal me.
I believe it will be in our best interest to have separate money. It is not unreasonable for me to want to have a bit of "control" here. It is not a bad thing to want to have some say when it comes to money/this tool. I do not feel confident when there is a choice to buy $30 pair of underwear over providing few bucks to buy cabbage. I like to save and have money to give away. It has worked for me.
It is your choice if you want to remain a family or not. If you do, you must be willing to split the animal expenses. If you would prefer to discuss a different setup - roommates, moving out, or whatever, then please bring it forward.
There is nothing wrong with me for wanting to regain my own strength. I accidentally gave myself away and it's not going well for me. I am trying to find myself again so I can love the shit out of her and stop waiting for somenone else to fill the void. It's my void and I'm going to love it.
Help.
I need to create my OWN budget and stick to it.
I need to create a schedule... I don't need an app, I can use timers like Michael said.
- Wake and help Paul get ready for work - 4-4:30
- Malai - 4:30-6:30
- Animals and Plants - 6:30-8
- Breakfast - 8-8:30
- Exercise - 8:30-10
- Shower-10-10:30
- Malai-10:30-11
- NB Program - 11-12:30
- Lunch-12:30-1
- Malai, Research, Meditation, whatever I want to do - 1-3
- Play with Paul and make dinner and relax and read - 3-7
- Bed -7:00
I'm dizzy almost all the time now. Hard to focus. In a state of confusion. Need to clear the body.
But could I let go and just let Paul take care of all of it? Could I just focus on loving myself and loving our family and just let him do whatever he wants. If he wants to buy underwear and snoballs just let him do what he wants without judgment and trust that my needs will be provided for? Could I spend my energy on self-care? Do my own chiropractic, massage, nutritional balancing, yoga, and work? Could I just make my request known - I choose to tithe the first 10% of my paycheck and it's up to him to do it or not?
Why do I want my own control? Because I don't trust him to take care of me. I've seen the way he treats Manson when he doesn't get what he wants. (AKA if Manson wants to lay on the cool ground but he wants him to lay next to him on the bed, he yells and swears at him instead of honoring that he wants to be on the ground. I do that too I guess to Moses and Rue. Not so angrily but I do sometimes kind of insist that they come snug me.) ... And I see how Paul puts himself first. STS. But isn't my job to just witness it and love him and pray for him? Couldn't I see the good in him and compassionately witness the things that have yet to heal?
Lack of trust and fear fuels control.
11:48 The antidote is love and faith.
___
Random's
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/DNA_Anomalies_created_by_Annunaki#/random
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Maji_Grail_Line_Indigo_Children#/random
To me this speaks to the Annunaki influence on my/our DNA that we have to work with and also that we are Indigos that came for this very thing. So put on your big girl panties and here's the work. Love your partner even when it's "not fair". Be willing to have the hard conversations.
"Love everyone and tell the truth" - Maharaji/Ram Dass
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=FIdsF-83aGc&list=RDAMVMtYERip5gasQ
This is the work.
I believe my calcium is low which causes aggression - I haven't taken paramin this week. Let's ask the pendulum if it would be in my best interest to take some paramin.
It sounds like YES, paramin would be good to take. I got a "no" on following DW's program and a "yes" on following Charlotte's. So I will, I will just also learn to discern what I need for myself, so seeing that thing about calcium helps me to understand. I also need to eat better.... eating DW's veggies and meat program I feel is very helpful.
I did a coffee enema, hydrogen peroxide vaginal "implant" (it burns today!) and coffee cloths on my boobies.
I was going to say that my left ear seems to have cleared up but it hasn't.
Low calcium causes tinnitus as well as aggressiveness.
I think Paul is a "genetic equal" and has the same architecture with the Annunaki streak and Oraphim consciousness ... I think he's "targeted" and ensnared in some luciferian traps to keep him from recognizing who he really is. Our love supports one another. We've had an infiltration and we are being divided. Our unity heals the world. We must stay in unity.
Rolled "Brain Social Memory Complex" meditation.
7/7 3:03
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