Pain Body VV

12:12 12:13 13:12 14:14/4 
Yesterday or maybe today Paul had 1818
I mean, there's so many numbers....8:44 818 
I had another 18:18

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It's very strange with Paul. When I was away in Asheville he accomplished a lot. When I got home, those next two days, he just played on his phone all day - didn't accomplish anything. His pain body was super active (and trying to trigger mine). The reversals and ucky energy did not inspire me to want to make love (or sex... he wanted bjs which I kept starting, but not finishing... I don't want to.) I don't want to do things out of alignment. 

Sometimes you have to - which is why I made myself available but he would just lay there and do nothing but say he wanted to have sex. Note, we DID have sex and he came....both of the last two days. And we had sex the day before too. I also had his penis in my mouth as he asked 3x yesterday. But he keeps putting off this "poor me" (pain body) energy and I feel it too. 

VICTIM VICTIMIZER programming.

I need more ES. 

He said we needed more money so I signed up to do Lyft and he's saying I can't.
He won't let me plant my carolina reaper pepper in our pepper garden.

The low hum... I feel it.
Fireworks stressed the dogs out badly last night. Paul was so mad about Manson disturbing his sleep - he was literally attacking him to get him to go where he wanted in the bed. Instead of being kind and tender, he attacked him. This was pain body - demonic entity. There was a lot of antichrist (selfish) energy in him the last couple days. It's burned into my skull the way he was pulling and pushing and throwing Manson who was desperately in fear from the fireworks. People make mistakes so I have to just be a witness. It's not for me to judge. 

Stop judging.
4:26AM
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4:44 2:22 3:33
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Next day: 4:44 5:44 7/6 5:55 10:10am 1:10 10:10pm

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Next day - 7/7, I saw 4:44 again... 4:43 too. It's 6:28 now and I just sent this to Paul. We had a horrible Pain Body VV blow up last night. For HOURS yesterday. It was awful. 

To clarify in case there is still confusion about what I am waiting for: The question is do you want to partner with me and stay on the same budget, with respect and understanding for each other's beliefs or do you think it would be better to separate budgets so that you don't feel like my need to tithe is damaging to you. I appreciated that you seemed to have an understanding (and past experience with) generosity, gratitude, and an attitude of abundance, but if you are not comfortable putting it into practice at this time, then I understand and honor your path.

So then, if you choose to have separate money, do you want to also plan to separate as a couple? I'm saying this because If you choose not to contribute to/split expenses for our family (dogs, horse, chickens, gardens), then that is what it appears you are choosing. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

I love you deeply but I am responsible for myself. I made the mistake of giving myself away, thinking that it was more of an investment... making deposits hoping to net a positive return (a windfall is what I hoped for, of course!)! But I am seeing that is not the derek. No one else operates in that way, do they? Where did I pick up that that's how I should be? It's a way of "buying love". If I trade myself, then they will love me more and that will fill the hole in my heart. No, it is ME who must fill my own hole with my own love and I need of all of me to do that. If there is leftover then maybe the overflow can bless others, but right now I'm operating from a deficeit and begging you to make a deposit, to help me, but you can't because you have to do the same thing for yourself - that's what we're here for. 

So I appreciate, in advance, your communication over your desired direction for our finances and relationship. Ultimately we both need to decide for ourselves whether we are "in" or "out", but I am inviting your leadership because I believe we are designed that way and I think you are wise and discerning. Your higher self is my best friend and we love each other very much. We will love each other whether you and I are together or not. We just won't be as productive on this plane. We are meant to heal one another in love and then anchor the same for all of the earth - tikkun olam - but ... but nothing. That's why we are together. But it takes two. 

Yesterday our pain bodies took over. You can't see the victim-victimizer games, I don't think, but they were running amok. 

I came with you to that school because I was curious and I cared. I encouraged you to buck the system because I don't believe in it and I was trying to help you get your school started since that's what you wanted to do. I appreciate your uprightness in heart - wanting to do the right thing. I don't have respect for the government and don't think anyone really cares - they are just looking for ways to rob and pilfer you. But again, I appreciate your strength and honor your desire to do the right thing. I think possibly Michael's shiestyness has rubbed off on me as we've lived outside the system for so long through that ministry. I remember feeling it was "wrong" to "lie" to the government too and I think we just have to follow our own hearts. That was your application and your future and although I was merely trying to help, I was imposing my viewpoints on you. In all things I just need to be quiet and let you do what you feel to do. And I also need to do what I feel I need to do. And I need to get back to loving myself, honoring myself, doing my life and following my heart. And my heart has been saying that the antivenom to this dang poverty consciousness that has come upon me since we started counting pennies is to tithe. So that's what I want to do. If you don't feel it's aligned to help me with that, then it is what it is. I experessed that there are ways to compromise - for example, we don't have to give the tithe money away until the end of the month so if you feel that you need it, then you can consider taking it. But for me it's the principle of living in the flow... loose fingers that the gifts of God can fall through to bless God (the fullness of all that IS - other beings on this earth). I'd like to get back to tithing 20% and saving 20%, but that's not possible now. 

Anyway, I am asking for your comments and decision on this by 9:15 and if you need more time, then let me know that as well. But this is important to me.