What IS

7/24 12:00
The pendulum said that it was in my best interest to remain in relationship with Paul. 

I am hurting so much. Working with the "unfairness" stuff but also so much because I feel like I'm giving so much and I'm depleted... and then I have expectations that he "give back" which he doesn't think to do. His "giving" is when he gives me attention to ask me to give him a blow job or a foot rub. 

I am tired. I have given myself dry. Because I'm operating from ego. 

He took my time yesterday to invite me to chat with his daughters and family - I don't know how many hours of our day that took up but it was a worthwhile spend. I have been very much behind the restoration of his family. Today he tells me he added Ryan to the "Fam" group that he has on Telegram but when I asked if he would add me, he didn't want to. Which is fine. Not fine, because I don't understand why. I'm rejected, unappreciated, abandoned, neglected, used... I'm FEELING those things. 

I have warm crocodile tears streaming down my face now. I had a very good cry just a minute ago. Big hurts moving through to teach me to surrender and recognize I can't change anything. I can just choose what I do and don't participate in.

I want to participate in taking care of our family members - animals - friends. I want to participate in my own spiritual (and health) expansion and healing. I want to do my job for my brothers. I want to "pass" ... not fail... this life. I want to ascend and to grow and be better. I want to be love. I want to be brave. Feeling this sadness is part of it. 

Paul does not cherish me or love me or want to be in unity with me. He wants to use me to accomplish his own goals for his own means. I believe he is a kindred spirit and genetic equal FALLEN whatever we are... and that he wants to pull himself out. He feels judged by me. Because I judge him. I'm too much of a mess to be in a relationship but here I am. I DO judge him. I do. And he feels like I'm judging his daughters...which I am. I think through my Messiah Complex lens that I can save all these people who are sick and distorted but the fact is, I have to save MYSELF. 

We come back to this whole thing being between ME and me. 

I did not do the wrong thing. If I feel disrespected, then it's okay to leave. If he doesn't communicate with me and he puts his back to me and puts on a meditation without introducing it or connecting with me, then that's his perogative. If I feel hurt by it, I can either ask him about it if I feel inclined or safe to do so or I can leave. In this case I left with a broken heart and a ton of tears that were ready to be born.

He has his books on tape or music in his ears while we are together, then that's his perogative. I am not loved and cherished. I need to love and cherish myself. It DOES come down to letting him do things his way and me taking care of myself. He doesn't take care of me. I've been taking care of him, but he doesn't reciprocate and it hurts and I do not deserve to be treated like that and what I do about it is feel it and then just respond in a way that honors myself...not to change him or manipulate or control the situation... what he does is up to him. What I do is up to me. 

He never respected me enough to come back to the financial situation. He just takes it all. He has held it over my head that I wasted $300 when I took the money out to my own account but I put $800 back in. And he still hasn't addressed what led me to take it out in the first place - not being given any "control" ... still no grocery or fun budget. But when HE decides HE wants to go out and take Corie out, then the budget is out the window.

It IS UNFAIR. GOD!!! IT IS!!!! What the heck!!! Why do you want me to stay here?? Because this is a really safe and pretty mild form of this for you to work with... you are delicate and working on so many things beloved Carissa and you don't need any more major traumas.... this is mild but obviously so painful for you.

So what do I do? Come back to the ES community and come back to ME for comfort and love. Do ME and let Paul BE. That's it. 

Stop trying to change him or the situation. Just work with what is. 

____

Posted in ESF

Wow! Benny! That was such a beautiful tune... I loved where and how it took me away. You are very gifted and it was very generous of you to share that with us.

Well now, I didn't even realize there was an "introduction" thread for Gold Ray! I feel like I've been on this journey with many of you for the past couple of years so it felt like graduating with my class to the next grade but that we were still together, ha! I was eligible/joined Gold Ray in January of this year but I've been really in the thick of it in my life experience so haven't had bandwidth to participate with (really any) forums much this year. I feel like I just popped through to be able to do so for as long as it lasts and I'm glad to be back. Maybe I was tricked to keep me away or maybe I was legitimately keeping myself safe (from fracture... I have witnessed a fracture or two and don't want to go there).... either way, I MISSED YOU ALL and LOVE YOU ALL so much! It feels like being with family when we come here together to share and I'm so grateful to God for providing this space, this container, to meet up with our beloved fellow sojourners and soul family!

I'm currently having a really hard time - still working a ton with negative ego. Last October I was given a new project, a relationship, that has been incredibly challenging for me. He is very much a mirror to show me where I still have (SO MANY) opportunities to heal, and our life is a playground for me to practice surrender, embodying the spirits of Christ, STO, and Unity. I am not doing a great job though... so much ugliness has come up as I have taken the focus off my personal HGU and fallen into codependence and control dramas based on fear and ego. (Again, all because I haven't been prioritizing my love relationship with my Godself and instead slipping into my dang negative ego.)  I've felt VERY supported by the daily meditations and glossary picks and "suggested for todays", but it's been rough. I don't know if it's because I'm weaker from this "falling backwards" or if it's just the added burden of someone else's "stuff", but I have definitely been challenged by the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) holding of Paul's heavy miasmas...and the connection through his family line. WE ARE healing his traumas but if I'm disconnected from my Source, I don't do that as well and it tends to negatively impact me. I've gained 20 pounds and constantly find myself splatted with negative forms and it's NOT PLEASANT! It's okay though, it's part of what I need to learn and feel into... the mechanics of it all. But whoooooo. That's where I've been. And I'm glad to be here now listening to Benny's drum and flute!

Love you All!

:mh: 

Carissa