Carnivore No More

I took a solid stab at the Carnivore diet. I did it for 2 months and unfortunately it doesn't seem to be exactly right. Today my kidney is hurting and I got a message from God (through Abel James email blast to listen to Dr. Terry Wahls and clicked on it EXACTLY where she was talking about the Carnivore diet.)

I need to figure something else out... I think Paleo...or low carb... or something... I liked the Wild Diet...  no processed food... I think something like that. And WORKING OUT. That is a key. Building muscle. 

I did my cold plunge today (cold bath) and it was great! 

I just need to find happiness. And health. I HAVE health and happiness and I want to retain it. And I need to eat a variety. I don't think this "all meat" business is working. And I am now in the second half of my cycle, so I need to take that into consideration as well. I don't want to get fat now that I'm with Ryan... I want to keep losing and be happy and full of energy. There MUST be a way to do this without starving myself or living on meat only. 

God, please guide me. 

11:23 12:12 12:13 9:09 9:19

It ain't over til' the fat lady sings

...or maybe it is. 

It was a month of magic. "Too good to be true." Yep. It was a love story of all time. Powerful love and connection.

But are we just too messed up to make it work?

Yesterday while walking through a forest full of garbage on a magical and romantic walk (while I hadn't eaten in 8+ hours), I started to have some anxiety rise. I mentioned it to Ryan who took it personally and said "is it us?". I said "no"... but apparently not strong enough and he said that was "fucked up that I didn't say it with more conviction" (or something like that). HE says that my response was "maybe" and not "no"... or "no, maybe." I postulate that if I said "maybe", then I was starting a new sentence and he cut me off with his glares or hostility or something. But what I DO know is that I don't know. I go into a state of confusion and dissociation when there is conflict. Defensiveness too. So then I end up trying to "smooth it over", which looks like dishonesty to him... not addressing the heart of the matter. I'm just trying to get back to neutral/peace....but he feels gaslit because I'm not taking ownership for something that I don't agree with...because I don't even think I could say something that wasn't in my heart, so how could I take ownership and apologize for it. I apologize for the whole situation. I am happy to be WRONG about everything and you can BLAME everything on me. I just want to be good and happy and well and loving and that's all. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like hostility. I tuck into myself. 

So. This happened yesterday. And then we went back to his house and he didn't talk to me... he seemed so hostile and cold and I didn't feel welcome, so I packed my stuff up. That put a deeper nail into the coffin. 

We halfway worked through it and I stayed there, but this morning he didn't keep his word to get up and come help me with animal chores and get Sioux's pedicure done and then we were going to Jannelle's where he could make a little money (as I arranged a $30/hr side-hustle for him). But he didn't want to get up. He got up to say "can I catch up with you later?"... and I said "yes" and left. I didn't give him kisses or anything. I left with fire in my heart and feel it still.

I don't like when people don't do what they say they are going to do. And he also said that he wasn't going to smoke around Moses but last night he smoked and smoked and smoked up his whole house with Moses and I in it, sometimes without the door open. Not thoughtful.

So... just feeling like I need to let it go. I'm going to wait to see if he reaches out. If doesn't, then that's definitely it. He left his Dad hanging for 4 days. He's just on his own schedule and timeline. And that's fine and great.... 

I trust that I picked up the Celtic codes I needed from him. On the 3D, I had a taste of that fairytale love story. And I know we were working the 555 NRG, while I'm also anchoring Hapshetsut 10D feminine and correcting 2D schisms, thanks be to God!

So I get to go back to my community, focus on God and myself, and that's that.

Here are some notes I wrote to myself from the potty:

Doesn’t keep word:

Smoked right into Moses and I

Didn’t come to my house to help this morning with animals

When he came before, he left quickly

Smoking

Anger problems

World against him/ego

Doesn’t like family dinners 

Feud with sister

Bitterness not forgiveness 

Physical relationship problems 

Turns on me (and everyone) on a dime

Can’t see past his own perspective 

Hostile

Volatile

Intuitive and empathic, but not compassionate unless it meets his needs

Who is gaslighting who?

A month of magic… too good to be true. But grateful for the experience.

Our eyes and hearts danced together for one beautiful month. The most romantic month of my life. I see better what I want and what I don’t want. Contrast.

I WANT him to choose me, of course. But this is out of my hands and I must surrender it. I release control. Let me listen to that song. 

We have incredible potential, but if our brokenness ("damaged goods") is too much, it is what it is. We can take a run at it in another life. 

___

If we CAN get over this, then I want to pull back some... sleep at my own home... date intentionally. Get to know one another better so we can create a strong foundation. 

____

It's 12:16am on 3/31.... just had a great late afternoon and evening and night with Ryan. We went to Jannelle's to get the low-down on her projects. He wasn't super-keen on me going but let me. And then we went and sung and had cake with his Dad for his birthday and hung out there and then we went to his house and hung out a bit and then finalllllllly he tentatively and slowly opened to the possibility of discussion and healing and it went so well.

I LOVE talking to him and with him and discovering with him. I felt into more of what happened yesterday and my propensity to fall into confusion and a state of un-truth and then the floundering and gaslighting that goes on as I try to find my way back to stability. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and I'm ready to overcome it. Ryan's strong moral code and intolerance for lies is helping me. He is very conscious and aware and smart and he IS smarter than me and I am able to trust and respect him... I must. 

But sometimes I falter and fall into enemy patterning and dark portaling and God is giving me an opportunity to heal. Ryan and I can alchemize our traumas and pain when we are together. He is learning to step into his power and as I learn to humble myself and release control, I am becoming more of who I am meant to be. It's beautiful and powerful work and I'm so grateful.

Everything feels right in the world when Ryan looks at me with his soul open through his eyes... when we are connected. 

So no fat lady. Just overcoming obstacles, learning how to be more honest with myself, and humbling myself.  Love and respect my beloved Ryan. BE HIS BELOVED CARISSA. I love that he loves me! I don't know how or why, but I am so lucky! Blessed.

3/31 12:34 ... movin' ahead!

We also had a HAWK visit/blessing/fly-over today. A beautiful omen.

How to eat

Yesterday I WANTED to go on a "bender" and have a giant cookie from the Food Hall. Too bad the cookie place CLOSED...so I had some stale cookie pieces at Jim and Dee's. Womp womp. And some bites of rice noodles and vegetables. OH! And Ryan GENEROUSLY gave me a chocolate hot chocolate stir stick he had been hoarding and I had that in some frothed milk...that WAS delicious! OH! And a big bowl of his cereal ... frosted mini-wheats and some Kashi ones too. Soooo... yeah... it WAS a "pig-out". And I felt anxiety, chest pains (is that angina?)... obviously it's from inflammation... and some headache... just NOT WELL. So why do I want more? Today I ate an apple and a couple blueberries. 

I was thinking of maybe doing a "cheat day" once a month. That implies that I'm withholding though... and I don't want to do that. I want to make choices aligned with health and wellness. So far it feels like carnivore is making me feel much better! But why are all the carnivores always trying to tweak things? Something MUST be going wrong. BALANCE. How can I find balance? I guess KNOWING that sugar and carbs aren't great for my body and maybe vegetables too. OH! The headache was from mushroom coffee.... the mushrooms. Sooo. Yeah.

But I am super-duper in love with Ryan. I did an experiment and came home in the middle of the night the other night and it did NOT go well. I definitely prefer sleeping with Ryan in our little love nest. I just wish we could sleep here too. 

We have such a good time together - great conversations, I like going places with him (to drop off packets and pick up computers and whatever random stuff we do.... it's just fun being with Ryan-my-Love!) I have let Moses sleep here with Michael the last 3 days but I don't like that. Michael said Moses seemed traumatized and I don't want that... so we'll see. Is it the second-hand smoke? I DO hate the second-hand smoke. Is it not enough room on the bed? I don't know. We have to just keep playing it by ear but I'm going to bring him back with me today. 

Feeling and seeing lots of numbers... seems like 10s and 5s and 2s and 33 and 44 and I don't know 11:11's ... all of them. But AG pick was Hapshetsut yesterday and ... just lots of really good information coming up. I think we're working on 10D and 2D stuff and masculine and feminine healing and just so much. I am so happy to be working these pieces with Ryan. We definitely have stuff that comes up... my overbearing and controlling and his hostility and offense... we just have to love eachother and keep gently feeling through it. Learning to find margin between our feelings and reactions. He's a QUICK learner though. THE smartest person I've ever known. 

How am I?

Email to Evangeline when she asked how I was yesterday:

Right now I am quite bad. There are such heavy energies. 

👆

Okay, that… above… was from yesterday… I started to respond while in the midst of tribulation. I’m better now. But yeah, been some STUFF in the air. Ultimately good, clearing, healing… but whoooo it’s hard! 

Is Lux home?? I forgot her new name… angel or something… Cherub? Anyway, is she there? Are you okay?

Yeah…for me the biggest thing is SEEING MYSELF. I see how I try to “help” people… “help is the sunny side of control”… and how it’s really manipulation to try to get them to see it MY way, because I think MY way is the best way and that they would be happiest however it is I see it should be.

It came up with Ryan when he was telling me about his childhood experience and I had heard about it from another angle from his mother-in-law and I was TRYING to HELP him see it differently so that he could release anger and bitterness and ultimately I want he and Dee to see each other the way that I DO... (beautiful people)…but they both don’t like each other (and they are both dearly beloved to me)… anyway… I was trying to help him to see it another way, but what I was ACTUALLY doing was DISMISSING his experience… disrespecting and devaluing his opinion and view and it hurt him deeply. (Because we all want to be fully accepted and loved by our beloved.)

I don’t know how this is going to work. We love each other so much, but he (and I, but especially he) is VERY SENSITIVE. It took some work through it and ultimately it helped me to see ME more so I can hopefully stop trying to control everything, but it was haaaaard. 

Then I came home and fought with Paul. Just YUCK. But it’s helping me to grow, ultimately.

Did you feel any energetic shifts this weekend? How you hangin’ in?

_______

Why it might not work with Ryan:

Feels like he's got some pretty significant anger issues. I'm a little (lot) scared.

Feels like he's got some pretty significant "poverty consciousness".

He does not care about his health at all. He smokes, has horrible vericose veins, and inflammation, and eats sugar for dinner (sugar cereal... frosted mini-wheats is what I see him eat almost every night... a quart-sized bowl of it.) 

I loved making love with him... last night he got out of his head and took me... ravaged me.. it was very hot. Quick, but hot. I think we can and will make beautiful love. It's a process. All this is. Even all those things above, he can change if he wants to. My wanting to and any subsequent manipulation through my mental state even... even the way I think of him... that all affects the trajectory of our relationship (and life). 

I could have the BEST life with him though. He is a divine match for me... strong, intelligent, sensitive, kind, talented, and loves me! I need to guard myself from thinking badly about him ... I know how much that hurt Michael and Paul, when I assign bad things to them...implying that they had bad intentions, etc.  I could grow and be who I AM MEANT TO BE through this relationship.

A healthy dose of fear is a good thing according to Om Rupani... like, fearing that I will hurt Ryan or trigger his anger may keep me on my toes, which may keep me humble and submissive which is a really GOOD thing. 

I just need to trust that he's on his own path and his choices are his and I need to just focus on and honor mine. And when I feel slighted or abandoned, see MY issue there and come back to meet my own needs. Take a nap! I'm so blessed. I freaking LOVE being with Ryan... we laugh and play and kiss and dream and it's the best thing ever. So I need to not sabotage it with my fears and judgement. 

Oh Carissa, thank you for talking this out with me!!!

Fuck Boys

I am my own masculine container. I am my own BANKS. 

Really feeling bad right now. Feel it all. Feeling like no one is my safe place... because it's ME who needs to be. I need to meditate and practice self-care. It is a slippery slope. I give myself away. They say "don't do that", but want it. 

Paul is so rude and unkind. He says he is kind. Ryan challenged my perceptions. Tore me down. But I was wrong... trying to give people other perspectives. Trying to "be the holy spirit". Thank you God for this opportunity to learn to let go and quit judging and trying to ... TRYING... anything.

Ryan asked if we could do the 12-steps together which is a good idea. 

Paul is so mean. I asked if we could walk the dogs together and he said yes, I just had to wait for him (as usual)... so I did.... and he ignored me the whole walk... most of it... just walked ahead of me with his nose in the air (or so it felt). I tried talking to him "do you want to go to the gym with me?" "no." "Do you have plans today?" "yes". And that's it. And I inquired about his interview when I got home... nothing. He's just clipped and rude (but that's not anything different. This is how he talks to me. I hate it. It's a hostile living environment. I don't want to be here. I asked him to move and then said I would. I don't want to move. This is my HOME.

I saw the "spiritual nomad" entry a month or two ago and hoped it wasn't for me. But maybe. 

I don't know how to be or who to be. I thought I was kind and helpful and loving. But I am broken. God, please help me. I AM. YOU ARE. I know. Thank you. 

I served Paul the whole relationship... trying to please him and meet his needs. I did almost all the cooking and cleaning and also brought in equal amount of money and he kept all his own money. I was also generous, as I am, with everything, trying to support him and us. 

This week, on Monday or Tuesday (it's Sunday now), he got black spots all over the kitchen floor from his boots. I showed them to him and asked him to please clean them up and not wear those boots in the house. Days later he hadn't done it so I cleaned the whole house - kitchen, bathroom, vacuumed and asked him to just take care of that one thing... and it's Sunday and he still didn't. He said he didn't know where the mop was and then started pointing out where I had left dirt. He got a little butt wipe thing and wiped up a couple of them and said he did it... but there were spots everywhere. He said he vacumed yesterday (which is impossible as it's very dirty already)... so... lies and just... ugliness.

He hung out with Corie and her family yesterday... I feel betrayed, but I'm also glad they have each other. I want Paul to have the support he needs to heal. I want everyone to be happy. I want myself to be happy as well and I don't want to be or see myself as a victim. This is here to help me. To let go. He is not a kind person. He is not a friendly person. I asked him to help me move the baby chickens over and he said Michael will do that. I said Michael is at Kettle Corn and he said "Michael will do that"....I asked a few times and he just kept saying "Michael will do that". Eventually I said, "PLEASE just give me 2 minutes... I just want to hand them to you over the fence, it will take no effort!"... he agreed and said he needed to change his shoes. Paul is very passive-aggressive, so I went over there and waited for probably 4-5 minutes (or more) but he eventually came. I handed him Monty and he moved her over. Then I handed him a chicken and frankly I probably handed it to him less carefully than I should have, but he didn't use both hands and she got away and fell from him. I was upset and "yelled"... (he said I yelled at him)... but I was like "you HAVE TO BE CAREFUL!!"... so I guess that was. Anyway, he stormed away, leaving me with 3 baby birds to move myself. He just didn't care about the job, the birds, me, or anything. 

I don't get along with anyone. Do I? Is it me? It IS me. I don't know how to be kind and right enough to support people.

I don't want that house near Dee anymore, do I? I don't know. God will lead me.

Ryan blew up at me ...or got angry at me... I don't even know if it was a blow-up, per se, but it FELT like it to me. He got so mad at me because he was HURT by me because he felt I .... no... because I negated his experience to try to "help" him see something in a different way. I was trying to help him resolve this rift between he and Dee. I want so much to help them both see how amazing and beautiful they both are. And I said something like I trust her adult brain perception more than his 12-year-old perception which said that she hated him from the get-go. I suspect that Dee tried to like he and Shayna but they both were hostile to her, including locking her out of their house. Whatever. It's their business and I don't know why I'm in it. Get out of it. Stick to myself. I can't even take care of my own business. 

We made love...or broke through to have sex...not super "love" because his confidence is really not there yet... but we made contact on the evening of March 24, 2023. We tried again yesterday and it was good until he gets in his head. We just have to work through it. And I think we both need to get and be healthy too... that will help. But I have had sex with a vaccinated man which feels important. I felt a timeline shift yesterday (rocking feelings in the morning) ...the morning after the first time... I choose to believe it's an ascension in the bifurcation as Ryan is a Celtic and Cathar coded-man, it feels like.  Magi-grail king too, I suspect. Emerald Order? We are healing stuff together... Nephilm Reversal Grid stuff for sure, feels like. I was thinking of my sweet Rue at that time too. He is also not circumcised which feels really organic and beautiful. He feels very Krystic... CHRISTic. He is a carpenter and mechanic and amazing with his hands, body, mind... he's the smartest, most beautiful-hearted person I know. He's so sensitive. And he has lots of stored bitterness that has hardened to anger and possibly buried rage.... PAIN. I want to love him well enough to let that seep out. 

We aren't on the same page with money. I mean, I am in big debt ($4k) now, so I can't really talk, but he hasn't paid taxes for a very long time and owes many thousands of dollars there.  It's fine. He's on his path. I can't judge. I have to focus on myself. 

___

Corie called... an angel from God. Grateful for her love and friendship.

____

Messages with Mama Bear:

MB: Is Ryan the same guy you have liked for a Long time? Looking at the picture of the two of you together I am awed by what an awesomely beautiful couple you make, and by the happy glow that surrounds you both!!

This past Thursday my son-in-law and daughter, Nora dined at a Chinese restaurant and bought a dinner home for me along with a two pack, of fortune cookies. One for me and one for you. I opened mine with my meal, and kept yours to open later! My fortune said: Never be less then your dreams!!

Yours said: Like the river flowing into the sea, some things are meant to be. Love, Mama Bear

ME: I met Ryan the week I met Paul (November 2021) and I felt something immediately but had just got into a relationship with Paul who I thought was my soul mate, so I didn't pay much attention to it... it was just a niggling in the back of my mind. (This question about whether God sent him to me?)

From Ryan's side, that first meeting (he was visiting from New York at the time), he was not keen on meeting another person but went along with his Dad who drug him back to meet me and he said that my eyes shown brighter than the sun that day... that he knew at that time that I was his girl... and he hasn't had many relationships... none at all for 8 years and had written off women... was definitely not looking for anything....but sounds like he was Gob-smacked! Ha! 

He moved down here 4-5 months later and I didn't see him because he worked all the time. When he left his job this past Christmas, I started seeing him now and then and his bright eyes stirred my soul. We never talked more, but there was something betwteen us. I started giving him hugs goodbye when I hugged his parents (who are some of my best friends) and it was the best feeling... I wanted to hug him more and more and more.

Things with Paul had been bad for a long time and I was fantasizing about another life so Ryan was someone that I dreamed of. (I asked Paul if we could date other people because I wanted to date Ryan.... not that we had talked in earnest yet or anything... I just FELT him.) I didn't think I could be with him... there are a couple things that disqualified him as a potential partner for me, one being that he is a smoker. I HATE cigarettes! So I was trying to manifest another girlfriend for him so that he would be "off-limits" for me so I could get him out of my heart and mind once and for all. 

Ryan is so intelligent and kind and sensitive and can build or fix anything! My dream guy! The smoking is yucky, for sure, but it isn't vexing my soul the way I would expect it would. I could hardly smell it on him (like God was protecting me)...but now and then I DO get "vexxed"... triggered... and he's said that he would quit for me...which I realllllllllly WANT....but I also don't want to want him to change for me. Anyway... our idea of "health" is different... but our love is strong.

During the Venus-Jupiter conjunction at the end of February/beginning of March something popped through and Ryan and I talked and exchanged numbers and we both felt a strong draw toward one another. We went on a hike and spent 8 hours together, talking non-stop and we both just KNEW. I went home and broke up with Paul once-and-for-all.

It was a couple weeks before we kissed, I think. He came to pick me up in the mountains and drive me home, and he was there for me when Rue died... he was my rock and safety. So we spent a lot of time together... we even slept together in the same bed, but were chaste... taking it slow.

We are officially an item now and we had our first big fight yesterday. I hurt him deeply because I took someone else's word over his (about HIS life when he was a boy)... it was SOOOOOO wrong on my part and it really threw me... but I need to learn to stop trying to change people. (I was trying to help him see something a different way and inadvertantly dishonored and disrespected his experience.) He was so amazing to work with me to untangle it. I'm so blessed!

Anyway... it's the greatest love story of all time as far as I'm concerned. I feel like we are in a Disney movie... he is my prince and I feel like his princess!

Your fortune cookie message was SO powerful and beautiful! I shared it with Ryan and he said he loves you too! What a special person you are! (YOU ARE!!) Thank you Mama Bear!

_______

3/26 12:13  (I see you.)

_____

I don't have the words... I'm tired. Spent. Exhausted from talking with Paul. I had tears. Want the best for him. Don't want to fight. Don't want to swap blame and victimhood back and forth. His curses on me that I will break Ryan too feel legit... I don't want to... after last night I see how that is possible. I thought our love was strong enough to withstand anything... but EVERYONE is so sensitive. I want ... NEED... a man that is stronger than me....that can identify my bullshit and hold compassionate witness so that I can heal through it. That might be what Ryan is doing... we sacrifice ourselves in a way to go into a situation where we hold space for another. 

I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained. A little hopeless. 

Just want to cave it up. I think Ryan and I might need that too... time away from one another to lick our wounds and get some perspective. 

For me: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1a0JVCoUHtI&feature=share
(BRIGHTER DAYS)

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=2wWSla0jZJ8&feature=share (LET GO AND LET GOD)

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/First_Cause_is_Sound

MUSIC

Snake

Something going on with Snake...Serpent grid maybe?

KUNDALINI?

Yesterday the guy with the snake shirt and talked about him and his son having snakes ... and today I saw a snake go into the water.... and Misha told me a story about a snake... Rumi's krystic snake....

Today saw 11:11, yesterday 12:34 (with Ryan). So many numbers. Lots of 44s... and 33s.

1:11

I saw 10:10 that day too and 555 a couple times... seems Ryan and I are working on NRG repair.

Ryan-my-love

Saw 11:11 and 12:13 today. Lots of numbers yesterday - 144 a bunch and 111 and 1111. I think we're working on grounding and integrating. I've got father-side vein poppage. 

Super complex stuff. Paul says I'm going to fail at this relationship too. I really really like Ryan so much. LOVE Ryan. We have such a beautiful connection and he TRULY loves me back. It's everything I always wanted... to be loved and cared for like that. He takes Moses out in the middle of the night. He wants me near him all the time. He cares about my sleeping and everything... he just loves me. And I love him. And we haven't made love yet, but tonight COULD be the night. 

My period is about over. But I don't want to rush it. Am I getting cold feet? Yesterday when I asked if he would put his phone on airplane mode to sleep, he joked... he says he was joking... but he joked that I'm trying to change him... and I DON'T WANT THAT. But the truth is, I AM because I want to be healthy and well. It's 12:17 now. Ryan was born at 12:17 and Corie was born on 12/17. 

Smelling like cigarette smoke is triggering me from when I hated myself...I hated smelling like that and it makes me hate myself... hate how I smell and feel... now. I hate it. I DO HATE it. But I don't want to change him or pressure him. I maybe just need to stay clear when he's actively smoking. Maybe it won't get in my clothes and hair so bad. I need to take care of myself.

Paul isn't comfortable with Ryan coming over here and I want him to come here to sleep so I can see if we can sleep together. Why can't we sleep together?? So many codes coming in, I think, I wonder? My heart just goes crazy. 

Ryan is so sexy... so intelligent and capable and strong and sweet and thoughtful and masculine and hot and THE WHOLE PACKAGE! I'm SO lucky! BLESSED! I don't need to believe Paul's curses. My forever love has arrived ..."the one"... and I need to NOT mess it up!! 

12:34 1:11 2:22

_____

I saw 11:11 that night too.... (and today, which is 3/21, I saw 11:11 again. Lots of 11:11!) 

Ryan met Le'Anna (and Scott...and the kids and Steve too) last night. It went well. They liked each other! Sweet relief!! 

We are having some disconnects in understanding.... something is bothering him...he said he's going to talk to me about it soon, so that's good. I can feel it. We had that "conspiracy theory" thing come up a week or two ago and today he's genuinely upset about me wanting to watch Thor mate a female (to make babies)! I joked about it being "dog porn" and he now thinks I'm a sicko and does NOT want me to watch. And last night I told him he was killing himself (or something like that)... he was choking himself out so he stops breathing when he sleeps... he snores too... (as do I)...but that's definitely sleep apnea...no wonder he wants to sleep all the time and needs so much coffee to wake up (a whole pot!!)... but anyway... something about the way I said he was "damaging himself" or something like that... made him feel judged and sensitive and upset him.....which upset me that I upset him and I had shame and sadness arise. Ugh. The hard stuff.

We still haven't slept together either. Which is interesting. I'm glad because we are getting to know each other still and maybe we need to build our friendship better first. We DO. But he's so sweet. He worked all day but still drove me (and Moses... first dog to christen his fancy car) to Wake Forest to meet Le'Anna and family, and then he took me out/we got burgers and fries (to eat in the car with Moses) at Red Robin. He is a real gentleman. 

And I love sleeping next to him. I slept pretty well last night too!

So... I guess I just need to keep feeling into it. We both have bi-wave energies to nutralize. I pulled the Astrological Blueprint correction (ES) meditation the other day, and the Ruby Sun Temple of Amarna (OL) one yesterday, so I think we're just correcting and cleaning up all these templates.

Had a fantastic nutrition session with Susan yesterday which helped me with carnivore...aka... it's not sustainable long term. And she helped me identify that it is my thyroid that is wonky...that's what's causing my heart palpitations and irregularity as well as insomnia...so I need to really be supporting my thyroid....and eating some carbs (which is what my thyroid needs)... so I'm changing up my macros... maybe 33/33/33, or maybe a little less carbs and a little more fat which my body seems to really like.

We had a baby chick hatch yesterday! Whoop!

Okay, back to work!!

Rue-my-love

 I finally posted my "Rue" post on Instagram. I needed to do that to remember. It was hard. This is what I wrote:

Rue-bird. My best friend of 15.5 years. Walked with me through some of the most heart-wrenching years of my life... we've done it all together. My ride or die. Taught me what unconditional love looks and feels like. My soul-sister. My spirit dog. My everything. (I keep saying "my"... but the truth was, I was HERS.) She had my whole heart. I'm grateful for the eternal love we will always share. I miss her warm body and soft fur and demanding "Rue Rue Rue" barks when she wants something. My Kujo. My protector. My comforter. Kept us all in line. Our nurturer and playmate and goofball and snugglebug. Moses and I are heartbroken, but glad to have each other and so grateful to God to have been Rue's. This beautiful soul transitioned peacefully at 1:14am on 3/12/23, in a cloud of love, with her family around, she crossed the Rainbow Bridge, dropped her hurting body, and is free to frolic in spirit with us now. My best friend. My Rue. Ryan was my hero that night - holding such beautiful space for Rue and I and Moses to swim in grief and love as we said our goodbyes. It was the most peaceful and loving transition experience I can imagine, thanks be to God (and Ryan and the amazing team at Points East ER Veterinary hospital.) Oh Rue. I will love you always. You know that. We will always be together in spirit. We are ONE. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Butterfly

The butterfly. A sign from God when Ryan and I kissed and loved each other... the first butterfly of the season... in like 40 degree weather ?? Okay, maybe it's 50 or 60. It's 65 now it says. But it's COOOOOOLLLLDDDDD.... and a BUTTERFLY came and landed on us... LANDED on me. It was MAGIC!

I'm SO smitten! SO smitten! SOOOOO in love! Ryan is everything! I know, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying my ROMANCE. It's invigorating and inspiring and fills me to the brim with JOY!!!

God, please show me how I can best hold on to Ryan! I ordered "The Surrendered Wife" in paperback and it's coming tomorrow. I need to memorize that because I do NOT want to do anything to mess this one up. Feels like he is THE ONE! 

I know it's early... super early. A little over 2 weeks. Jeez. But it's POWERFUL and LOVELY! Ahhhh! Thank you God!

Okay, my head is in the clouds, I need to get back to work!

Message to Evangeline:

Awwwwww. What an amazing email!! Thank you!!

Friend! You’ve been going through it BIG TIME! It feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is getting closer. 

I like the name Cupid. Much better than the other one… Voltimore or whatever. This is so hard. You are MADE for it though…. A PERFECTLY SUITED MOM for Lux/Cupid. Look at how much YOU have grown and how much light YOU can hold now! Whatever contract ya’ll signed up for, it’s for both of you, and you are doing a bang up job!! (<— that’s supposed to be a compliment but it sounds like it should mean the opposite.)

So Ryan came up to spend a night with us in Sylva and then he and I drove home together. (Jannelle stayed to meet with a friend.) We wanted to check out Asheville but we drove right through … he wasn’t feeling it. We found a park with a powerful tree and we hung out there for 20-30 minutes and then kept on going. When I was an hour from home and had just picked up my car again, I called Paul to check in. He said Rue was really sick all day….that she was fine the day before but that day she had vomited and pooped at least 20 times and was shaking and lethargic. I knew then…. but I just rushed home to see her. (Number 1 gratitude to God that this happened AFTER the class was over… if it was during, I would have bailed. Number 2… I didn’t suffer with worry all the way across the state, only the last hour home.)

When I got home and got to her, I could tell it wasn’t good. She wasn’t breathing well or moving well. My Rife machine arrived from Hawaii so I got to do ONE session on her. Afterward she got up and walked outside (wobbled outside) and peed. She also ate a treat from my hand. But then she came in and put her head in the corner and weeezed and vomited. She then laid down and really didn’t move much anymore. I was really torn about what to do. At one point when I was holding her, I thought she was leaving her body and I just held her tight….but she didn’t leave. 

This next part has some lingering victim mentality left in it, but I want to say how PERFECT this turned out… I needed it to be this way so the rest of the night could go the way it did. …. So I asked Paul if he wanted to take us to the vet. I wanted to see if there was anything that could be done, but in my heart I knew it was time. Paul responded with the ugliest energy, accusing me of asking him to help “murder" my dog … he also said "you want to kill Rue the way you wanted to KILL your chicken!” Vitriol. Horrible. Awful. Piercing stabbing energy. So… no.

But Ryan had offered that if there was ANYTHING he could do (very strong energy of “anything, anytime, anywhere”), so I asked him to take us to the vet and he absolutely was available to do that. Paul would hardly open the gate for me when I had Rue in my arms (he DID carry her bed out as I asked, but there was passive-aggressive energy that was so yucky). I got Michael out of his underwear (it was 10pm by this point) and he came to say goodbye to our Rue-bird. 

Long story short, Ryan was my hero. He held the most incredible space for me and us. My other dog, Moses went too. And Ryan WAS my security, safety, structure, and held space for my flow… to feel and be present with Rue the way I needed to. He loved on her too. I was so happy that he got to meet her…and visa versa. I feel like in a way she delivered me to him. Out from my first marriage through all the ups and downs and finally to Ryan who I feel so strongly is my true divine beloved. 

With Paul it’s always been so HARD… so much STRIVING… WE WILL GET BETTER and LEARN to love and heal and all that IN THE FUTURE….. but with Ryan, it’s here now. We DO love eachother deeply NOW and we ARE WHOLE TOGETHER NOW. Sure there are things to work with and explore, but we can do it together and it’s the together that matters. He hears and sees me and wants to know me fully and loves me unconditionally. And same for me. We both equally love each other!!

Ryan officially asked me to be his girlfriend yesterday. We only kissed for the first time a couple days ago. But we’ve been talking and hugging and magnetized to one another non-stop for 2.5 weeks. Luckily I have my period otherwise we’d go there, I’m sure. I’m so attracted to him. He’s tall and strong and kind and smart and talented and wants to build me a house! I feel like I’m in a Disney movie… I thought that wasn’t possible…but it feels SO MAGICAL! Even today he came over during his lunch break to see my apartment and when we kissed goodbye a giant yellow and black butterfly flew from out of NOWHERE and came and landed on me, kissed me, and then flew on. It is freaking COLD! Where did a BUTTERFLY come from?? The first of the season! And it landed on me when we were holding love for one another! 

Last night we went to pick up Rue’s ashes and he just held me and we cried and looked at all the stuff…box, paw-print, card, materials, etc. together. And then he took me to a dead-end road and we got out and looked at the stars and looked them up and learned and kissed and hugged and it was just … perfect.

So back to Rue. The veterinarian was amazing. They had a “comfort room” and Ryan turned off the harsh overhead lights and we just had one glowing lamp and Rue had her giant memory foam bed and blanket and I am sure she felt like she was home and comfortable and we got to spend lots of time with her before and also lots of time after… we were there for over 3 hours… and it was perfect. As perfect as it could be. (They said her leg had died… there was no circulation in it and it had to be amputated or she had to be put down… she was in shock and had very low blood pressure… and I knew she had cancer all over her body and that surgery wasn’t an option, so we had to say goodbye.) But it made all the difference in the world to be held in the safety of Ryan’s presence and have Moses there and to just hold and love Rue as she walked over that Rainbow. My sweet girl.

Exhale.

I hope you don’t give up on the YouTube… I think you’d be very interesting to watch/hear.

I need to email those links that you sent to myself… I’m super interested. 

As far as diet, I feel there is lots of great information in all of it. I feel GREAT overall on carnivore, so I want to keep going, but just maybe need to slow down some. I also finally got some organ supplements with that huge mix of organs in it… I found something on Amazon… but I haven’t tried it yet. 

What are your plans for Jason’s birthday weekend?? Cheesecake?? :) :)

Thank you for the generous offer of staying at your house! I want to do that! I also really want to do the Earthhaven Tour on Saturday morning so we’ll see. I’m actually thinking about bailing on the weekend altogether as I am over $4000 in debt and need to stop spending. (Just today, my dryer broke and I had to pay $214 to the repairman (will be fixed next week)…and my dental cleaning was almost $200... it just keeps wracking up!)

I’ll tell Jannelle!! She’s on her way to Georgia to celebrate a friend’s birthday.

Thanks for bearing with me for this long note. Lots of love to you sister Evangeline!!

💗

_______

Some things have come up that I tried to suppress as far as the way Paul treated me. 

A few moments ago I remembered how when he switched to RO water and it didn't work for me... I didn't like it... he wouldn't let me use "our" Berkey... it was "his" Berkey. So I borrowed Michael's and mine back and asked for the old filters (new ones cost $160) and he wanted to save them for an emergency (aka - NO!)... so I had to get my own water source. He took ours/mine away. I bought the remineralization filter and caraffe for his machine and he wouldn't even let me use our old water/Berkey filter. Gah!

I also remember the last time we went to the movies... to see Maverick. He always wants to get there like an hour early. We were at least 40 minutes early. I had asked if we could stop and get something to eat and he wouldn't let me. My anxiety was high. He also insisted we see the 3D version even though I said I didn't like that. I didn't feel safe. I was feeling triggered and hungry and unwell. I asked for the keys to the car and he wouldn't give them to me until I created a scene (because I was LEGITIMATELY losing my mind!). It was AWFUL. 

In general, Paul doesn't think of me. At night he would snuggle Manson. He liked the idea of me and the service I provided. He wished I would do a better job of providing blowjob service, but thought it was better than his last girlfriend who didn't give him ANYTHING for 2 years. 

I love Paul and wish him well... but he never loved me....he doesn't seem to have the capacity to love. That's from the Satanic reversal energy. And I can't get him out of it. He's on his own journey, but we didn't and don't work well together. 

Driving in the car and eating out were STARK experiences. Lonely. He didn't talk to me, preferring to stare at the walls or listen to something on his phone. At home he preferred to play on his apps - scrolling and whatever else (brain games, sure... including solitaire and mahjong.... and whatever feeds and YouTube and Instagram he was scrolling.). He didn't want to BUILD a life with me. 

Ryan and I just want to be together and nothing more. I know it's new so maybe that's why.... but it's so so lovely and I'm so so happy! We can talk about anything all the time and he LISTENS. And I want to listen better to him, God. Please help me to be a good partner to him. Obviously I don't even care about the smoking and jab... I just don't. I just want to be HAPPY and trying to change him is CONSTRICTION. I don't want to do that to us. We'll just flow however we're meant to and I LOVE IT and I LOVE RYAN!! OH-RYAN!!! 💗

Lots of 144's these days too.

Wrote to Mama Bear:

Ps. Ryan took me to a quiet (dead-end) road last night to hold me in his arms and gaze at the stars and dream and talk and he officially asked me to be his girl! (Of course I said YES!!) (Actually, I said something STUPID. I said "of course! I put you in my phone as my boyfriend today and made you my emergency contact"...ha! Ugh!) I WILL learn to be more humble and demure, but in the meantime, Ryan LOVES ME just the way I AM. I am SMITTEN. We both are. 

Today after we kissed a butterfly... the first of the year... came out of no where and came and landed on me for a few moments before fluttering away. I wonder if my precious Rue-bird had something to do with that miracle? 

Anyway, it's going SO well! Still taking it slow. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from making love with him for much longer. Luckily I have my period now so it's helping keep me chaste! Ha!

Too good to be true

My fear...  that Ryan and our bond is too good to be true... seems to be coming true.

I'm so grateful that we haven't made love... I wanted to. But this would have hurt a lot more if I had. I also would have exposed myself to someone who took the vaccine. I would do it if he was my one-and-only. If I believed he was "the ONE"... which I did. But funk went down in the middle of the night. I stayed at his house... I kept thinking I should go home but he wanted me to stay so I did and half regret it... I couldn't sleep, mostly because our conversation took an ugly turn at like 2am. I actually have no idea what time it was. 

"I won't give up on you." - this song is playing on YouTube Music...Sun/Moon by Trevor Hall

"I will believe in your love" - Believe by Blessing Offer came on after... I'm hearing the messages....

"I remember you have always been faithful to me"... Lauren Daigle

I thought this was about Ryan, but it may be between God and I... maybe Ryan stepped into my life to help me free myself once and for all from the satanic bondage and unhealthy and life-siphoning relationship I was having with Paul. 

Ryan says "idears" instead of "ideas". He's suuuuuuper intelligent, and self-educated. I really appreciate his perspective, but if we have foundational problems, according to him (and maybe it's true and I didn't want to see it), then that's how it is. 

He's disturbed and confused because I believe in conspiracy theories. 

I have to choose a new way... NOT to reach out and "fix" this. I have to learn to sit in the ambiguity and trust Ryan to have his own process and make his own decision. 

I question and judge him about smoking and his food choices... I have gone beyond all that FOR ME. But I just don't feel moved to try to change him... I feel peace and am not even that bothered by his smoking... I hate smelling when I get home, but I am grateful for the opportunity to transcend control in that area. 

Everything is perfect.

But what about my dryer? Wait until tomorrow and then call the repairman if we don't hear from Ryan today. He knows my need and can decide if he wants to help me and/or come over.

Ryan's cats Monkey and Dookie love me too. Thank you, God, for the cat snuggle time! 

"The Other Side" - The Greatest Showman. Thank you. Yes. That's what I want for Ryan. But mostly I JUST WANT Ryan. I want health and happiness. 

I feel happy and light, even with this and the loss of Rue. I feel like I'm in the LIGHT OF GOD again... thank you God!!!

This is my pattern for today:

Feels really on point.

I'm ready to face and overcome fear and control.

To love and care for myself.

To foster my connection to God.

To love and serve others through a new career.

Pendulum said it was okay/best interest to send this to Ryan.

Here’s the full “Fall of the Cabal” series: https://www.bitchute.com/video/kNS1mw1jmjpt/

If you really want to watch it, I’d love to watch it with you… would be interesting to see it again. As I said earlier, my interest and mindset has not been there for years but if I’m being called back in to learn/observe something, I’m game.

Are we still friends? Can we still go on walks and adventures and go to the gym and whatever else you want to do? Can you come over and see my home and can we be buds no matter what? I don’t want to go through life without you in it in some capacity!  

No matter what the future holds, I want you to know how very very VERY grateful I am to you (and God) for what we shared. You’ve done and shown me so much that has opened my eyes and heart and I will never forget that. I cherish you. I respect you. I have so much gratitude for all we’ve shared and all you’ve done for me… especially your presence and love through Rue’s passing. 

Are you working on the RFH today? Is it getting close? 

Thank you again for your honesty, vulnerability, willingness to feel into hard things, desire to live in alignment with your values, and so many more wonderful attributes! I appreciate you for who you are, as you are.

Love,

Carissa

So now I MUST wait.

7:27 (and I saw 11:11 today and 2:11:11 too I think....or maybe that was the same. And 14/14:14 and 17:17... annnyway, I just ate a half an onion with my dinner too....

He just flipped though... I've seen it twice...where he gets into this mindset... not the OPENNESS that allows our love to flow. He clamps down.... that's what judgement and ego do to us. Thank you God for showing me what it looks like.

It appears that he finally saw my message from this morning and is typing something back (it looks like... and I hope). It's 8:22

I JUST WANT TO CHOOSE AND BE HAPPY! 

I AM!!!!

Thank you God!

___

It's the next day and his message was so beautiful and we are fine... more than fine. GREAT!

Rue and Ryan

What I wrote to Mama Bear:

This doesn't look like us much ....weird angle...but we look SUPER CUTE because we are SO HAPPY!!! This is my Bruce. His name is Ryan. ❤️

My best friend Rue (my dog of 15 and a half years) died yesterday morning. I had just gotten home from my trip and she was so sick and I didn't know what to do and I asked Paul if he would take us to the vet and he said "What, to help you MURDER your dog???.... like you wanted to murder your chicken. You want me to KILL Rue?" SUPER MEAN. I'm very very grateful for it though because when Ryan heard what was going on, he offered "ANYTHING, ANYTIME" to help. I took him up on it and he took us to the vet (Rue and I and our other dog Moses) and he held such a loving container for us... SO caring and supportive and respectful. I've NEVER been treated so well. We had our first kiss yesterday after 6 dates (in some cases full days) and almost 2 weeks of talking every day. I am heeding your advice and taking it slow... which is really hard because I know in my heart of hearts that Ryan is "the one".

What I just wrote to Mr. Burch:

I tried reallllllllllly (REALLLLLLLLLY) hard to make it work with Paul but it has been like swimming upstream the entire time. We were “okay” (not even happy)… maybe 5% of the time… it just wasn’t a good match. He’s still here as my roommate for now. We’ll see what happens, but God has  opened my heart and life to new love and it feels VERY good. I’ve been in unbalanced relationships all the time… most of the time it was me giving and giving and giving without (much) appreciation or reciprocation. With Michael it was the other way around… he gave and gave and gave but I wasn’t feeling it… also, I was sick for much of our time together. He’s such a kind man, I just was never attracted to him. I was with him to work through some “Daddy issues”. But Ryan and I (SO FAR) seem mutually thoughtful and giving and compassionate and we can just talk for hours and hours and hours. (A big relief after Paul … our conversation just couldn’t flow. We’d sit in silence in restaurants or the car and it just felt bad.) Anyway, it’s new with Ryan, so we’ll see. But he’s from our neck of the woods (in the Albany area). He moved down here a year ago and we had instant sparks. Just recently we started talking and it became powerfully apparent that there was something special between us. It gave me the confidence to break up with Paul once and for all. (I broke up with him almost every week for the last 6 months… it just felt SO BAD…but then I’d try to pull up my britches and “do the work”… to try to WRANGLE myself so that I could meet his needs and make him happy enough so maybe one day he’d meet my needs. It was just not healthy.) A wise mentor of mine heard me sharing how hard it was in that relationship and he said that it wasn’t supposed to be like that… relationships are supposed to be FUN! Not too long after that pep-talk, Ryan and I started talking. My new motto is “Health and Happiness!” (Do you recognize that? That’s Pappy’s top toast.) So I’m following my heart and my smile and so far it has brought me into Ryan’s arms. We shared our first kiss last night on our 6th date. We’ve been talking and spending time together (hours and hours and hours) for 2 weeks. So it’s sparkly and shiny and new still. I’m robbing the cradle too… he’s 2 years younger than me! Whoop!

What I wrote to Janice:

I just finished a training course to become a Peer Support Specialist… so basically I’d be walking with people who are troubled in some way… people getting out of jail or the hospital or recovering from addiction… it’s in the social work realm… a piece of the care/support pie. I just act as their “peer” and help them determine what they want to do and encourage them as they do it. So if they want to get a job, I’ll take them to the library to research… something like that. Lots of different organizations employ Peers so it will determine where I end up. It doesn’t pay a ton, but it’s working with people instead of the computer and that sounds fun and rewarding. (Possibly also stressful, so we’ll see what happens. I still have to finish 20 more hours of training and get certified by the state.)

And Ryan and I met for the first time the week that I got home from Alaska/meeting Paul - November 2 years ago. We had instant sparks but I was just starting a relationship with Paul. Ryan hadn’t moved here yet either. He moved down last March and I saw him now and then, and thought of him now and then, but it wasn’t until a few months ago when he left his job (he’s a hydraulics technician and has a mechanical and construction background - super hot!!)… but I started seeing him more (he is the son of my good friends and when I’d go to visit them, sometimes he’d be around). Then somehow I started getting in the habit of hugging him goodbye too and ….oh man Janice… it was just the BEST feeling…like being home… those hugs. That went on a couple months and then 2 weeks ago we had an actual conversation and were just locked in. We exchanged numbers that night and 2 days later spent 8 hours hiking and exploring and talking and it was just so perfect! We’ve talked every day since then and been on 6 dates (not really like dates… not that awkward thing… we spent time together… lots of time. He came up to the mountains to get me after my training and drive me home.)…we always talk the whole time…and laugh… and dig into the nature of life… he likes quantum physics… and ahhh… it just feels so nice! He is the first relationship I EVER had that feels like a match in terms of kindness and mutual respect. It feels so nice. And we had our first kiss last night and it was just perfect. So we’ll see where it goes…but I feel strongly this could be “the one”. Finally. Ha!

 

I need to flesh out all this stuff...

Some powerful messages that really resonated with me:

What else?

I realized that Ryan held the Albion container for the Rue situation. He was my rock. He was the Banks for my River! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqifjBtNzLw)

When I heard that Rue was sick and I was driving home to her, I asked for a song and when I put YouTube mix on, this song came up... this song touched me before, but now it has even more special meaning. My beloved Rue-Bird. 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=o7nXFUtsjgQ&feature=share

I miss her.
Here's my review for the vet:

I can’t begin to express my gratitude for these beautiful people. The day I dreaded happened… it was time to say goodbye to my best friend of 15 and a half years. Points East was not only THERE (open in the middle of the night), but they were so compassionate and kind and thoughtful and comforting and patient. The whole staff - from the front desk woman who made us a bow to adorn a heartwarming card from Dr. Jones, to the tech who gently and lovingly handled my beloved’s body through the whole ordeal, to the tender vet (Dr.Jones) who patiently went through options. They have a “comfort room” and they gave us so much space and time to be with our Rue before and after her passing. It was incredibly peaceful and gentle and I can’t fathom a better transition experience. I will never forget these beautiful people who were THERE in every way during the second most important day in my dog’s life (assuming birth is first). Long story short - we are grateful and impressed with this office.

I am not coherently getting everything together... but it's day two after losing my best friend... I talk to her in the air. I think of her checking on me when I'm in the shower and the bath. Her chair is empty. Her bed is empty. My heart is empty. No, that's not true. Rue is still in my heart - always. And Moses is here and Manson and thank God for Ryan and for our blossoming love. 

I will hopefully write more another time. I want to share about my PSS training and the mountains and Jannelle and Ryan and everything.... the whole story of Rue.... everything. But not now.

My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Cathar_Genocidal_Massacre

Makes me think Ryan (who was raised by 3 generations of women (only)) may have some Cathar coding.