What I wrote to Mama Bear:
This doesn't look like us much ....weird angle...but we look SUPER CUTE because we are SO HAPPY!!! This is my Bruce. His name is Ryan. ❤️
My best friend Rue (my dog of 15 and a half years) died yesterday morning. I had just gotten home from my trip and she was so sick and I didn't know what to do and I asked Paul if he would take us to the vet and he said "What, to help you MURDER your dog???.... like you wanted to murder your chicken. You want me to KILL Rue?" SUPER MEAN. I'm very very grateful for it though because when Ryan heard what was going on, he offered "ANYTHING, ANYTIME" to help. I took him up on it and he took us to the vet (Rue and I and our other dog Moses) and he held such a loving container for us... SO caring and supportive and respectful. I've NEVER been treated so well. We had our first kiss yesterday after 6 dates (in some cases full days) and almost 2 weeks of talking every day. I am heeding your advice and taking it slow... which is really hard because I know in my heart of hearts that Ryan is "the one".
I tried reallllllllllly (REALLLLLLLLLY) hard to make it work with Paul but it has been like swimming upstream the entire time. We were “okay” (not even happy)… maybe 5% of the time… it just wasn’t a good match. He’s still here as my roommate for now. We’ll see what happens, but God has opened my heart and life to new love and it feels VERY good. I’ve been in unbalanced relationships all the time… most of the time it was me giving and giving and giving without (much) appreciation or reciprocation. With Michael it was the other way around… he gave and gave and gave but I wasn’t feeling it… also, I was sick for much of our time together. He’s such a kind man, I just was never attracted to him. I was with him to work through some “Daddy issues”. But Ryan and I (SO FAR) seem mutually thoughtful and giving and compassionate and we can just talk for hours and hours and hours. (A big relief after Paul … our conversation just couldn’t flow. We’d sit in silence in restaurants or the car and it just felt bad.) Anyway, it’s new with Ryan, so we’ll see. But he’s from our neck of the woods (in the Albany area). He moved down here a year ago and we had instant sparks. Just recently we started talking and it became powerfully apparent that there was something special between us. It gave me the confidence to break up with Paul once and for all. (I broke up with him almost every week for the last 6 months… it just felt SO BAD…but then I’d try to pull up my britches and “do the work”… to try to WRANGLE myself so that I could meet his needs and make him happy enough so maybe one day he’d meet my needs. It was just not healthy.) A wise mentor of mine heard me sharing how hard it was in that relationship and he said that it wasn’t supposed to be like that… relationships are supposed to be FUN! Not too long after that pep-talk, Ryan and I started talking. My new motto is “Health and Happiness!” (Do you recognize that? That’s Pappy’s top toast.) So I’m following my heart and my smile and so far it has brought me into Ryan’s arms. We shared our first kiss last night on our 6th date. We’ve been talking and spending time together (hours and hours and hours) for 2 weeks. So it’s sparkly and shiny and new still. I’m robbing the cradle too… he’s 2 years younger than me! Whoop!
What I wrote to Janice:
I just finished a training course to become a Peer Support Specialist… so basically I’d be walking with people who are troubled in some way… people getting out of jail or the hospital or recovering from addiction… it’s in the social work realm… a piece of the care/support pie. I just act as their “peer” and help them determine what they want to do and encourage them as they do it. So if they want to get a job, I’ll take them to the library to research… something like that. Lots of different organizations employ Peers so it will determine where I end up. It doesn’t pay a ton, but it’s working with people instead of the computer and that sounds fun and rewarding. (Possibly also stressful, so we’ll see what happens. I still have to finish 20 more hours of training and get certified by the state.)
And Ryan and I met for the first time the week that I got home from Alaska/meeting Paul - November 2 years ago. We had instant sparks but I was just starting a relationship with Paul. Ryan hadn’t moved here yet either. He moved down last March and I saw him now and then, and thought of him now and then, but it wasn’t until a few months ago when he left his job (he’s a hydraulics technician and has a mechanical and construction background - super hot!!)… but I started seeing him more (he is the son of my good friends and when I’d go to visit them, sometimes he’d be around). Then somehow I started getting in the habit of hugging him goodbye too and ….oh man Janice… it was just the BEST feeling…like being home… those hugs. That went on a couple months and then 2 weeks ago we had an actual conversation and were just locked in. We exchanged numbers that night and 2 days later spent 8 hours hiking and exploring and talking and it was just so perfect! We’ve talked every day since then and been on 6 dates (not really like dates… not that awkward thing… we spent time together… lots of time. He came up to the mountains to get me after my training and drive me home.)…we always talk the whole time…and laugh… and dig into the nature of life… he likes quantum physics… and ahhh… it just feels so nice! He is the first relationship I EVER had that feels like a match in terms of kindness and mutual respect. It feels so nice. And we had our first kiss last night and it was just perfect. So we’ll see where it goes…but I feel strongly this could be “the one”. Finally. Ha!
I need to flesh out all this stuff...
Some powerful messages that really resonated with me:
What else?
I realized that Ryan held the Albion container for the Rue situation. He was my rock. He was the Banks for my River! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqifjBtNzLw)
When I heard that Rue was sick and I was driving home to her, I asked for a song and when I put YouTube mix on, this song came up... this song touched me before, but now it has even more special meaning. My beloved Rue-Bird.
When I heard that Rue was sick and I was driving home to her, I asked for a song and when I put YouTube mix on, this song came up... this song touched me before, but now it has even more special meaning. My beloved Rue-Bird.
I can’t begin to express my gratitude for these beautiful people. The day I dreaded happened… it was time to say goodbye to my best friend of 15 and a half years. Points East was not only THERE (open in the middle of the night), but they were so compassionate and kind and thoughtful and comforting and patient. The whole staff - from the front desk woman who made us a bow to adorn a heartwarming card from Dr. Jones, to the tech who gently and lovingly handled my beloved’s body through the whole ordeal, to the tender vet (Dr.Jones) who patiently went through options. They have a “comfort room” and they gave us so much space and time to be with our Rue before and after her passing. It was incredibly peaceful and gentle and I can’t fathom a better transition experience. I will never forget these beautiful people who were THERE in every way during the second most important day in my dog’s life (assuming birth is first). Long story short - we are grateful and impressed with this office.
I am not coherently getting everything together... but it's day two after losing my best friend... I talk to her in the air. I think of her checking on me when I'm in the shower and the bath. Her chair is empty. Her bed is empty. My heart is empty. No, that's not true. Rue is still in my heart - always. And Moses is here and Manson and thank God for Ryan and for our blossoming love.
I will hopefully write more another time. I want to share about my PSS training and the mountains and Jannelle and Ryan and everything.... the whole story of Rue.... everything. But not now.
My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Cathar_Genocidal_Massacre
Makes me think Ryan (who was raised by 3 generations of women (only)) may have some Cathar coding.
Makes me think Ryan (who was raised by 3 generations of women (only)) may have some Cathar coding.
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