Fuck Boys

I am my own masculine container. I am my own BANKS. 

Really feeling bad right now. Feel it all. Feeling like no one is my safe place... because it's ME who needs to be. I need to meditate and practice self-care. It is a slippery slope. I give myself away. They say "don't do that", but want it. 

Paul is so rude and unkind. He says he is kind. Ryan challenged my perceptions. Tore me down. But I was wrong... trying to give people other perspectives. Trying to "be the holy spirit". Thank you God for this opportunity to learn to let go and quit judging and trying to ... TRYING... anything.

Ryan asked if we could do the 12-steps together which is a good idea. 

Paul is so mean. I asked if we could walk the dogs together and he said yes, I just had to wait for him (as usual)... so I did.... and he ignored me the whole walk... most of it... just walked ahead of me with his nose in the air (or so it felt). I tried talking to him "do you want to go to the gym with me?" "no." "Do you have plans today?" "yes". And that's it. And I inquired about his interview when I got home... nothing. He's just clipped and rude (but that's not anything different. This is how he talks to me. I hate it. It's a hostile living environment. I don't want to be here. I asked him to move and then said I would. I don't want to move. This is my HOME.

I saw the "spiritual nomad" entry a month or two ago and hoped it wasn't for me. But maybe. 

I don't know how to be or who to be. I thought I was kind and helpful and loving. But I am broken. God, please help me. I AM. YOU ARE. I know. Thank you. 

I served Paul the whole relationship... trying to please him and meet his needs. I did almost all the cooking and cleaning and also brought in equal amount of money and he kept all his own money. I was also generous, as I am, with everything, trying to support him and us. 

This week, on Monday or Tuesday (it's Sunday now), he got black spots all over the kitchen floor from his boots. I showed them to him and asked him to please clean them up and not wear those boots in the house. Days later he hadn't done it so I cleaned the whole house - kitchen, bathroom, vacuumed and asked him to just take care of that one thing... and it's Sunday and he still didn't. He said he didn't know where the mop was and then started pointing out where I had left dirt. He got a little butt wipe thing and wiped up a couple of them and said he did it... but there were spots everywhere. He said he vacumed yesterday (which is impossible as it's very dirty already)... so... lies and just... ugliness.

He hung out with Corie and her family yesterday... I feel betrayed, but I'm also glad they have each other. I want Paul to have the support he needs to heal. I want everyone to be happy. I want myself to be happy as well and I don't want to be or see myself as a victim. This is here to help me. To let go. He is not a kind person. He is not a friendly person. I asked him to help me move the baby chickens over and he said Michael will do that. I said Michael is at Kettle Corn and he said "Michael will do that"....I asked a few times and he just kept saying "Michael will do that". Eventually I said, "PLEASE just give me 2 minutes... I just want to hand them to you over the fence, it will take no effort!"... he agreed and said he needed to change his shoes. Paul is very passive-aggressive, so I went over there and waited for probably 4-5 minutes (or more) but he eventually came. I handed him Monty and he moved her over. Then I handed him a chicken and frankly I probably handed it to him less carefully than I should have, but he didn't use both hands and she got away and fell from him. I was upset and "yelled"... (he said I yelled at him)... but I was like "you HAVE TO BE CAREFUL!!"... so I guess that was. Anyway, he stormed away, leaving me with 3 baby birds to move myself. He just didn't care about the job, the birds, me, or anything. 

I don't get along with anyone. Do I? Is it me? It IS me. I don't know how to be kind and right enough to support people.

I don't want that house near Dee anymore, do I? I don't know. God will lead me.

Ryan blew up at me ...or got angry at me... I don't even know if it was a blow-up, per se, but it FELT like it to me. He got so mad at me because he was HURT by me because he felt I .... no... because I negated his experience to try to "help" him see something in a different way. I was trying to help him resolve this rift between he and Dee. I want so much to help them both see how amazing and beautiful they both are. And I said something like I trust her adult brain perception more than his 12-year-old perception which said that she hated him from the get-go. I suspect that Dee tried to like he and Shayna but they both were hostile to her, including locking her out of their house. Whatever. It's their business and I don't know why I'm in it. Get out of it. Stick to myself. I can't even take care of my own business. 

We made love...or broke through to have sex...not super "love" because his confidence is really not there yet... but we made contact on the evening of March 24, 2023. We tried again yesterday and it was good until he gets in his head. We just have to work through it. And I think we both need to get and be healthy too... that will help. But I have had sex with a vaccinated man which feels important. I felt a timeline shift yesterday (rocking feelings in the morning) ...the morning after the first time... I choose to believe it's an ascension in the bifurcation as Ryan is a Celtic and Cathar coded-man, it feels like.  Magi-grail king too, I suspect. Emerald Order? We are healing stuff together... Nephilm Reversal Grid stuff for sure, feels like. I was thinking of my sweet Rue at that time too. He is also not circumcised which feels really organic and beautiful. He feels very Krystic... CHRISTic. He is a carpenter and mechanic and amazing with his hands, body, mind... he's the smartest, most beautiful-hearted person I know. He's so sensitive. And he has lots of stored bitterness that has hardened to anger and possibly buried rage.... PAIN. I want to love him well enough to let that seep out. 

We aren't on the same page with money. I mean, I am in big debt ($4k) now, so I can't really talk, but he hasn't paid taxes for a very long time and owes many thousands of dollars there.  It's fine. He's on his path. I can't judge. I have to focus on myself. 

___

Corie called... an angel from God. Grateful for her love and friendship.

____

Messages with Mama Bear:

MB: Is Ryan the same guy you have liked for a Long time? Looking at the picture of the two of you together I am awed by what an awesomely beautiful couple you make, and by the happy glow that surrounds you both!!

This past Thursday my son-in-law and daughter, Nora dined at a Chinese restaurant and bought a dinner home for me along with a two pack, of fortune cookies. One for me and one for you. I opened mine with my meal, and kept yours to open later! My fortune said: Never be less then your dreams!!

Yours said: Like the river flowing into the sea, some things are meant to be. Love, Mama Bear

ME: I met Ryan the week I met Paul (November 2021) and I felt something immediately but had just got into a relationship with Paul who I thought was my soul mate, so I didn't pay much attention to it... it was just a niggling in the back of my mind. (This question about whether God sent him to me?)

From Ryan's side, that first meeting (he was visiting from New York at the time), he was not keen on meeting another person but went along with his Dad who drug him back to meet me and he said that my eyes shown brighter than the sun that day... that he knew at that time that I was his girl... and he hasn't had many relationships... none at all for 8 years and had written off women... was definitely not looking for anything....but sounds like he was Gob-smacked! Ha! 

He moved down here 4-5 months later and I didn't see him because he worked all the time. When he left his job this past Christmas, I started seeing him now and then and his bright eyes stirred my soul. We never talked more, but there was something betwteen us. I started giving him hugs goodbye when I hugged his parents (who are some of my best friends) and it was the best feeling... I wanted to hug him more and more and more.

Things with Paul had been bad for a long time and I was fantasizing about another life so Ryan was someone that I dreamed of. (I asked Paul if we could date other people because I wanted to date Ryan.... not that we had talked in earnest yet or anything... I just FELT him.) I didn't think I could be with him... there are a couple things that disqualified him as a potential partner for me, one being that he is a smoker. I HATE cigarettes! So I was trying to manifest another girlfriend for him so that he would be "off-limits" for me so I could get him out of my heart and mind once and for all. 

Ryan is so intelligent and kind and sensitive and can build or fix anything! My dream guy! The smoking is yucky, for sure, but it isn't vexing my soul the way I would expect it would. I could hardly smell it on him (like God was protecting me)...but now and then I DO get "vexxed"... triggered... and he's said that he would quit for me...which I realllllllllly WANT....but I also don't want to want him to change for me. Anyway... our idea of "health" is different... but our love is strong.

During the Venus-Jupiter conjunction at the end of February/beginning of March something popped through and Ryan and I talked and exchanged numbers and we both felt a strong draw toward one another. We went on a hike and spent 8 hours together, talking non-stop and we both just KNEW. I went home and broke up with Paul once-and-for-all.

It was a couple weeks before we kissed, I think. He came to pick me up in the mountains and drive me home, and he was there for me when Rue died... he was my rock and safety. So we spent a lot of time together... we even slept together in the same bed, but were chaste... taking it slow.

We are officially an item now and we had our first big fight yesterday. I hurt him deeply because I took someone else's word over his (about HIS life when he was a boy)... it was SOOOOOO wrong on my part and it really threw me... but I need to learn to stop trying to change people. (I was trying to help him see something a different way and inadvertantly dishonored and disrespected his experience.) He was so amazing to work with me to untangle it. I'm so blessed!

Anyway... it's the greatest love story of all time as far as I'm concerned. I feel like we are in a Disney movie... he is my prince and I feel like his princess!

Your fortune cookie message was SO powerful and beautiful! I shared it with Ryan and he said he loves you too! What a special person you are! (YOU ARE!!) Thank you Mama Bear!

_______

3/26 12:13  (I see you.)

_____

I don't have the words... I'm tired. Spent. Exhausted from talking with Paul. I had tears. Want the best for him. Don't want to fight. Don't want to swap blame and victimhood back and forth. His curses on me that I will break Ryan too feel legit... I don't want to... after last night I see how that is possible. I thought our love was strong enough to withstand anything... but EVERYONE is so sensitive. I want ... NEED... a man that is stronger than me....that can identify my bullshit and hold compassionate witness so that I can heal through it. That might be what Ryan is doing... we sacrifice ourselves in a way to go into a situation where we hold space for another. 

I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained. A little hopeless. 

Just want to cave it up. I think Ryan and I might need that too... time away from one another to lick our wounds and get some perspective. 

For me: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=1a0JVCoUHtI&feature=share
(BRIGHTER DAYS)

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=2wWSla0jZJ8&feature=share (LET GO AND LET GOD)

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/First_Cause_is_Sound

MUSIC