It's 3/3 at 6:16am. I can't even pretend to sleep anymore. A very sleepless night. Tossing and turning and thinking and dreaming... very much about Ryan. So much.
We had such a lovely day. I am attracted to him and enjoy him. But I need to be single and become my OWN masculine container.
I DO want to build a life and house with Ryan...I love how tall he is and his eyes and smile and especially his hugs. I like that he likes me. I don't want to break that... to start judging and criticizing and trying to change him. I am already doing that by wishing he would quit smoking. And be more motivated to use his talents. He could open his own business....but he said he's not motivated to do so. And that's okay! I don't know what his soul has in store for him, but he is on a journey and is so beautiful inside and out!
I love that we can communicate and love that he is from New York. I love that he's an "O'Malley" and think he's interesting and lovely. He cried with me when he shared his experience of his dog passing away. He was so honest and vulnerable and beautiful. <-- These are the things I longed for from Paul. Paul IS motivated... so much so that he doesn't have time to enjoy life with me. He doesn't enjoy me. He loves on Manson every night and there's often some sort of passive-aggressive or pout energy .... his pain body... or mine...that keeps us from connecting.
I love that Paul wants to be a healer and wants to heal himself. I love how dedicated he is to it. I do not love how he expects me to follow and serve him without him giving/caring about me ... he just doesn't have the room in his being because he's so busy caring about himself (and frankly, all the social media scrolling and apps and things that he's doing too. And to rest, he watches TV). There is nothing wrong here... it just isn't the best long-term match. As Jim said, relationships shouldn't be "hard"... and this "hardest thing I've ever done" narrative is what I am creating for myself. No bueno.
Kelsey is right... I need to heal and restore my own heirogamic union... that's what's up for me... masculine healing for ME. And I have to do that single.
I'm so happy to be single now. I told Paul yesterday that I want to be single.
Jeff is not the guy for me either. The greatest match I've had (according to that app and also in my heart) was Kirk Kahn! Super gay ... but we were beautiful together ... we helped one another. I know it was all through the computer... conversation... but he was my "genetic equal". Spiders and all.
So. I just need to live and love myself and trust God and get back to what's important to me... figure that out. And it's great to have friends and be friends with Paul and Ryan and Jeff. Jeff is trying to blow himself up and also I've told him a few times about how I feel and I know he loves me too...but we aren't on the same wavelength. Ryan loves quantum physics and is a thinker and good with his hands...he can create and heal cars and houses, etc. I find that to be so sexy. And long to have a man who can take care of me in that way. That is a complimentary opposite.
I've had heart palpitations all night. All month. I have decided to add back some vegetables and see if it helps. Onions and cabbage. I'm getting that they may help stop my heart palpitations and a neutral/no-answer about it being in my best interest to only eat meat. I think I can go either way. And I want balance/neutrality... I want to heal. These long-term carnivores are always needing to tweak and change their diets...always reading their blood and glucose levels. I don't want that. I just want to live and live happily! And especially healthily. That means no SUGAR. And maybe no oxalates. That feels pretty on point. And no polyols.... or fewer of all of that. But if I can stick with super low-carb vegetables... maybe just onions and cabbage for now... then maybe that's okay?
But I can't deal with the heart palpitations and ungroundedness and sleeplessness. No thank you.
3/3 7:17
Yesterday I was telling Ryan about the "divination tool" of the Ascension Glossary and said I wanted to prove it... I pulled a random and guess what came up?!!
Whoa!
Am I a psychopathic stalker? I want to see Ryan. Watch him work.
I also do think I am willfull. I don't want to be.
_______
Long letter I wrote to him today:
Dear Ryan,[deep breath] I just wanted to … I don’t know. Be honest and vulnerable and just put it on the table because I feel there are some confusing energies between us. First, I want to say that yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I appreciated your presence and conversation and wisdom….AND all the fun activities we shared!
I've had a “crush” on you in a deep cellular way since we met that first time and you were leaning against your Dad’s car. I guess I had always wondered about you… I’d heard stories for years so natural curiosity mixed with your energy field activated something… but I tried not to think much of it. My attraction to you rose to consciousness again a couple months ago when I started seeing you more. I even talked to Dee about it at one point…that crack-coffee day…. but since you and I never really talked, it didn’t make much sense so I kept brushing it off. I always hoped you'd be there when I came over and started really hoping to share a hug with you… I realllllly like hugging you…. it feels so good on multiple levels of my being. (You would insert an adorable emoji here. You are so good with those things!!) Anyway, I was nervous and excited when I saw you at the Super Bowl party too. My fondness for you keeps growing.
I was having some dreams about my friend in NY (the one who is drinking himself to death) and I care about him so much too…so between the thoughts of you and Jeff, I have been pulling away from Paul for some time. I mean…we never really got to a place of sharing a mutually satisfying relationship, as we talked about yesterday…it’s always “in motion… we WILL heal and be happy IN THE FUTURE". So I kept trying and hoping.
I think I’m going to have to email this to you… it’s becoming a book. I hope you have an email address.
Anyway… you have helped me see that I can be happy NOW. A conversation with your Dad a couple weeks ago helped too… we had a frank conversation and he said it’s not supposed to be this way (so hard)… he said relationships are supposed to be easy and fun (or something like that). Anyway… after sharing time with you yesterday, I believe that is possible. So thank you.
Now I have no idea what, if anything, is in store for us. I’m glad I’m going away for a week so I can “dry out”. All I want is to spend time with you. Again, it’s probably dopamine… CRACK!! I hope I am not scaring you. You are going from zero friends to my “drink from the firehose” energy and I need to honor your need for solitude and processing.
After our wonderful day, I knew that I needed to break it off with Paul once and for all….and I did. Because of my regular break-up desire/conversations, I’ve got a bit of a “boy who cried wolf” situation here. He may not believe me… he said it will change again in 72 hours…. But it won’t. I’m done. It’s been a very long time coming. I care about him very much but it’s not working. That does not have to do with you. It hasn’t worked from the get-go, but we are both trying to grow and heal so this just seemed like part of the process.
Thank you for bearing with me on this novel.
I DO want to be single. I need to be single for a while. To find my own sense of security. I’ve been looking to get it from a man…thinking that I need to be in a divine union in order to be fulfilled and aligned with destiny. But I need to be in my OWN divine union… integrating my own masculine and feminine energies so that I can stand whole and well.
I can’t tell you how deeply it touched me that you shared your life, experiences, stories, wisdom, and YOU with me…. You gave me hope… and when you said “I would build you a house”… that made me melt into a puddle that I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from. Your words and emojis and energy are so so lovely.
But I AM willfull. I thought about it and I am. And now I “will” to be close to you for ME… because it feels good to me….that’s me pushing and it’s not okay. I need and want you to lead and take your time and take what you want and need from our relationship in divine right timing.
You also said yesterday that we (people…humans) can’t change anyone else…we are just responsible for ourselves. And that is really true. I compromise and give myself away so often. I have to be single for a while so I can strengthen my understanding of my own desires and be clear and true to myself about it. I really don’t think I want to be with a smoker. As I shared yesterday, that’s been a big thing for me with many relationships… it keeps coming up for a reason… I attract smokers, ha! And I already see how I am compromising myself because I don’t want to lose you.
I told myself that I never wanted to be with anyone who had been vaccinated. That was a big deal to me at one point and part of what helped me to keep my feelings for you at bay. But I’ve been working with that inside of myself and DO feel comfortable changing my mind about that. I think there are ways to heal and I will continue to pray for your safety and that of all who took that “gene therapy”. Anyway, I have decided that is not an issue to me anymore (with/for you).
I’m so BRAZEN! Gah! I don’t even know if you want me. I feel and am reading that you do… that we share this connection. So I’m going with it! putting all this out there… this mess… maybe to blow it up before it starts (subconsciously?) or to just let you see my true heart and mind. I don’t have secrets. I try to be very honest with everyone and especially the person I care about.
Okay, I think that’s it. I’m going to do my best to stop pushing/pulling (that kind of energy)… that is the controlling energy… and I don’t want to be in control. I want you to lead and guide us in whatever way you feel is best. I am not going to invite you to do anything or invite myself over…I am going to wait for you. I am telling you now that I want to spend every moment with you, anywhere, doing anything. I want to know you more and foster our friendship and be on this journey with you to see where it goes. But I surrender control and leave the driving in your hands. You were going to hold the door open for me yesterday (another mini-melt moment)…. and I’m going to wait for you to hold the door open for me in all ways. You’re in charge. I feel really good and safe and happy about that. I trust you to take care of us. In your time and according to your vision.
Big hugs,
Carissa
___
Well, this is very hard. It's 3/3 at 9:16. I did see lots of numbers today... I think 11:11 and 2:22 and 14:14 and 18:18 and 144 and more.... but I haven't heard from Ryan so I have been doing lots of inner work. I DID talk to Evangeline, Rosemary, and Corie to process and talk about Ryan and Paul and ME.
I read this note that I wrote to Ryan many many (too many) times and I wish had worded some stuff differently... did I speak out of both sides of my mouth? Is this what I do all the time? I said I don't want to control but I am being controlling and maybe manipulative ... hoping to push him to quit smoking so that I could be happy. Forcing him to choose something he does for and with himself and the potential of being withe me which he may not even want. He's never said it... he's just flirted and been so kind and I bet I just lap that up like a thirsty dog.
I want to send follow up stuff so bad but I can't... this is the work... THIS is letting him lead. Honoring his timing and letting him process and respond OR NOT respond. It might hurt, but this is what I want. Am I manipulating him to feel strong and be a leader... to see his manhood and BE the powerful man he is? (I already feel so attracted to him because he IS so manly and hot and handsome and smart and talented. 3/3 9:21. The fact that he can fix and build things is SO SEXY.
I was wet in my pussy on the cheesecake night and also when we had our day together. My body responds. 3/3 9:22
But I want him to lead and it humbles me to have to wait on him and maybe he won't choose me. GOD KNOWS and GOD WILL LEAD. So be comforted sweet girl. Peace be with you. Everything is perfect.
Paul did an Emotion Code practice on me and found some stuff in my heart... not feeling heard when I was 8... or unacknowledged energy maybe.... and then something when I was 34... oh, humiliation at 34.
LIFE: What a ride. What a gift!
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