How am I?

Email to Evangeline when she asked how I was yesterday:

Right now I am quite bad. There are such heavy energies. 

👆

Okay, that… above… was from yesterday… I started to respond while in the midst of tribulation. I’m better now. But yeah, been some STUFF in the air. Ultimately good, clearing, healing… but whoooo it’s hard! 

Is Lux home?? I forgot her new name… angel or something… Cherub? Anyway, is she there? Are you okay?

Yeah…for me the biggest thing is SEEING MYSELF. I see how I try to “help” people… “help is the sunny side of control”… and how it’s really manipulation to try to get them to see it MY way, because I think MY way is the best way and that they would be happiest however it is I see it should be.

It came up with Ryan when he was telling me about his childhood experience and I had heard about it from another angle from his mother-in-law and I was TRYING to HELP him see it differently so that he could release anger and bitterness and ultimately I want he and Dee to see each other the way that I DO... (beautiful people)…but they both don’t like each other (and they are both dearly beloved to me)… anyway… I was trying to help him to see it another way, but what I was ACTUALLY doing was DISMISSING his experience… disrespecting and devaluing his opinion and view and it hurt him deeply. (Because we all want to be fully accepted and loved by our beloved.)

I don’t know how this is going to work. We love each other so much, but he (and I, but especially he) is VERY SENSITIVE. It took some work through it and ultimately it helped me to see ME more so I can hopefully stop trying to control everything, but it was haaaaard. 

Then I came home and fought with Paul. Just YUCK. But it’s helping me to grow, ultimately.

Did you feel any energetic shifts this weekend? How you hangin’ in?

_______

Why it might not work with Ryan:

Feels like he's got some pretty significant anger issues. I'm a little (lot) scared.

Feels like he's got some pretty significant "poverty consciousness".

He does not care about his health at all. He smokes, has horrible vericose veins, and inflammation, and eats sugar for dinner (sugar cereal... frosted mini-wheats is what I see him eat almost every night... a quart-sized bowl of it.) 

I loved making love with him... last night he got out of his head and took me... ravaged me.. it was very hot. Quick, but hot. I think we can and will make beautiful love. It's a process. All this is. Even all those things above, he can change if he wants to. My wanting to and any subsequent manipulation through my mental state even... even the way I think of him... that all affects the trajectory of our relationship (and life). 

I could have the BEST life with him though. He is a divine match for me... strong, intelligent, sensitive, kind, talented, and loves me! I need to guard myself from thinking badly about him ... I know how much that hurt Michael and Paul, when I assign bad things to them...implying that they had bad intentions, etc.  I could grow and be who I AM MEANT TO BE through this relationship.

A healthy dose of fear is a good thing according to Om Rupani... like, fearing that I will hurt Ryan or trigger his anger may keep me on my toes, which may keep me humble and submissive which is a really GOOD thing. 

I just need to trust that he's on his own path and his choices are his and I need to just focus on and honor mine. And when I feel slighted or abandoned, see MY issue there and come back to meet my own needs. Take a nap! I'm so blessed. I freaking LOVE being with Ryan... we laugh and play and kiss and dream and it's the best thing ever. So I need to not sabotage it with my fears and judgement. 

Oh Carissa, thank you for talking this out with me!!!