How to eat

Yesterday I WANTED to go on a "bender" and have a giant cookie from the Food Hall. Too bad the cookie place CLOSED...so I had some stale cookie pieces at Jim and Dee's. Womp womp. And some bites of rice noodles and vegetables. OH! And Ryan GENEROUSLY gave me a chocolate hot chocolate stir stick he had been hoarding and I had that in some frothed milk...that WAS delicious! OH! And a big bowl of his cereal ... frosted mini-wheats and some Kashi ones too. Soooo... yeah... it WAS a "pig-out". And I felt anxiety, chest pains (is that angina?)... obviously it's from inflammation... and some headache... just NOT WELL. So why do I want more? Today I ate an apple and a couple blueberries. 

I was thinking of maybe doing a "cheat day" once a month. That implies that I'm withholding though... and I don't want to do that. I want to make choices aligned with health and wellness. So far it feels like carnivore is making me feel much better! But why are all the carnivores always trying to tweak things? Something MUST be going wrong. BALANCE. How can I find balance? I guess KNOWING that sugar and carbs aren't great for my body and maybe vegetables too. OH! The headache was from mushroom coffee.... the mushrooms. Sooo. Yeah.

But I am super-duper in love with Ryan. I did an experiment and came home in the middle of the night the other night and it did NOT go well. I definitely prefer sleeping with Ryan in our little love nest. I just wish we could sleep here too. 

We have such a good time together - great conversations, I like going places with him (to drop off packets and pick up computers and whatever random stuff we do.... it's just fun being with Ryan-my-Love!) I have let Moses sleep here with Michael the last 3 days but I don't like that. Michael said Moses seemed traumatized and I don't want that... so we'll see. Is it the second-hand smoke? I DO hate the second-hand smoke. Is it not enough room on the bed? I don't know. We have to just keep playing it by ear but I'm going to bring him back with me today. 

Feeling and seeing lots of numbers... seems like 10s and 5s and 2s and 33 and 44 and I don't know 11:11's ... all of them. But AG pick was Hapshetsut yesterday and ... just lots of really good information coming up. I think we're working on 10D and 2D stuff and masculine and feminine healing and just so much. I am so happy to be working these pieces with Ryan. We definitely have stuff that comes up... my overbearing and controlling and his hostility and offense... we just have to love eachother and keep gently feeling through it. Learning to find margin between our feelings and reactions. He's a QUICK learner though. THE smartest person I've ever known.