It ain't over til' the fat lady sings

...or maybe it is. 

It was a month of magic. "Too good to be true." Yep. It was a love story of all time. Powerful love and connection.

But are we just too messed up to make it work?

Yesterday while walking through a forest full of garbage on a magical and romantic walk (while I hadn't eaten in 8+ hours), I started to have some anxiety rise. I mentioned it to Ryan who took it personally and said "is it us?". I said "no"... but apparently not strong enough and he said that was "fucked up that I didn't say it with more conviction" (or something like that). HE says that my response was "maybe" and not "no"... or "no, maybe." I postulate that if I said "maybe", then I was starting a new sentence and he cut me off with his glares or hostility or something. But what I DO know is that I don't know. I go into a state of confusion and dissociation when there is conflict. Defensiveness too. So then I end up trying to "smooth it over", which looks like dishonesty to him... not addressing the heart of the matter. I'm just trying to get back to neutral/peace....but he feels gaslit because I'm not taking ownership for something that I don't agree with...because I don't even think I could say something that wasn't in my heart, so how could I take ownership and apologize for it. I apologize for the whole situation. I am happy to be WRONG about everything and you can BLAME everything on me. I just want to be good and happy and well and loving and that's all. I don't like conflict. I don't like anger. I don't like hostility. I tuck into myself. 

So. This happened yesterday. And then we went back to his house and he didn't talk to me... he seemed so hostile and cold and I didn't feel welcome, so I packed my stuff up. That put a deeper nail into the coffin. 

We halfway worked through it and I stayed there, but this morning he didn't keep his word to get up and come help me with animal chores and get Sioux's pedicure done and then we were going to Jannelle's where he could make a little money (as I arranged a $30/hr side-hustle for him). But he didn't want to get up. He got up to say "can I catch up with you later?"... and I said "yes" and left. I didn't give him kisses or anything. I left with fire in my heart and feel it still.

I don't like when people don't do what they say they are going to do. And he also said that he wasn't going to smoke around Moses but last night he smoked and smoked and smoked up his whole house with Moses and I in it, sometimes without the door open. Not thoughtful.

So... just feeling like I need to let it go. I'm going to wait to see if he reaches out. If doesn't, then that's definitely it. He left his Dad hanging for 4 days. He's just on his own schedule and timeline. And that's fine and great.... 

I trust that I picked up the Celtic codes I needed from him. On the 3D, I had a taste of that fairytale love story. And I know we were working the 555 NRG, while I'm also anchoring Hapshetsut 10D feminine and correcting 2D schisms, thanks be to God!

So I get to go back to my community, focus on God and myself, and that's that.

Here are some notes I wrote to myself from the potty:

Doesn’t keep word:

Smoked right into Moses and I

Didn’t come to my house to help this morning with animals

When he came before, he left quickly

Smoking

Anger problems

World against him/ego

Doesn’t like family dinners 

Feud with sister

Bitterness not forgiveness 

Physical relationship problems 

Turns on me (and everyone) on a dime

Can’t see past his own perspective 

Hostile

Volatile

Intuitive and empathic, but not compassionate unless it meets his needs

Who is gaslighting who?

A month of magic… too good to be true. But grateful for the experience.

Our eyes and hearts danced together for one beautiful month. The most romantic month of my life. I see better what I want and what I don’t want. Contrast.

I WANT him to choose me, of course. But this is out of my hands and I must surrender it. I release control. Let me listen to that song. 

We have incredible potential, but if our brokenness ("damaged goods") is too much, it is what it is. We can take a run at it in another life. 

___

If we CAN get over this, then I want to pull back some... sleep at my own home... date intentionally. Get to know one another better so we can create a strong foundation. 

____

It's 12:16am on 3/31.... just had a great late afternoon and evening and night with Ryan. We went to Jannelle's to get the low-down on her projects. He wasn't super-keen on me going but let me. And then we went and sung and had cake with his Dad for his birthday and hung out there and then we went to his house and hung out a bit and then finalllllllly he tentatively and slowly opened to the possibility of discussion and healing and it went so well.

I LOVE talking to him and with him and discovering with him. I felt into more of what happened yesterday and my propensity to fall into confusion and a state of un-truth and then the floundering and gaslighting that goes on as I try to find my way back to stability. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and I'm ready to overcome it. Ryan's strong moral code and intolerance for lies is helping me. He is very conscious and aware and smart and he IS smarter than me and I am able to trust and respect him... I must. 

But sometimes I falter and fall into enemy patterning and dark portaling and God is giving me an opportunity to heal. Ryan and I can alchemize our traumas and pain when we are together. He is learning to step into his power and as I learn to humble myself and release control, I am becoming more of who I am meant to be. It's beautiful and powerful work and I'm so grateful.

Everything feels right in the world when Ryan looks at me with his soul open through his eyes... when we are connected. 

So no fat lady. Just overcoming obstacles, learning how to be more honest with myself, and humbling myself.  Love and respect my beloved Ryan. BE HIS BELOVED CARISSA. I love that he loves me! I don't know how or why, but I am so lucky! Blessed.

3/31 12:34 ... movin' ahead!

We also had a HAWK visit/blessing/fly-over today. A beautiful omen.