Ryan-my-love

Saw 11:11 and 12:13 today. Lots of numbers yesterday - 144 a bunch and 111 and 1111. I think we're working on grounding and integrating. I've got father-side vein poppage. 

Super complex stuff. Paul says I'm going to fail at this relationship too. I really really like Ryan so much. LOVE Ryan. We have such a beautiful connection and he TRULY loves me back. It's everything I always wanted... to be loved and cared for like that. He takes Moses out in the middle of the night. He wants me near him all the time. He cares about my sleeping and everything... he just loves me. And I love him. And we haven't made love yet, but tonight COULD be the night. 

My period is about over. But I don't want to rush it. Am I getting cold feet? Yesterday when I asked if he would put his phone on airplane mode to sleep, he joked... he says he was joking... but he joked that I'm trying to change him... and I DON'T WANT THAT. But the truth is, I AM because I want to be healthy and well. It's 12:17 now. Ryan was born at 12:17 and Corie was born on 12/17. 

Smelling like cigarette smoke is triggering me from when I hated myself...I hated smelling like that and it makes me hate myself... hate how I smell and feel... now. I hate it. I DO HATE it. But I don't want to change him or pressure him. I maybe just need to stay clear when he's actively smoking. Maybe it won't get in my clothes and hair so bad. I need to take care of myself.

Paul isn't comfortable with Ryan coming over here and I want him to come here to sleep so I can see if we can sleep together. Why can't we sleep together?? So many codes coming in, I think, I wonder? My heart just goes crazy. 

Ryan is so sexy... so intelligent and capable and strong and sweet and thoughtful and masculine and hot and THE WHOLE PACKAGE! I'm SO lucky! BLESSED! I don't need to believe Paul's curses. My forever love has arrived ..."the one"... and I need to NOT mess it up!! 

12:34 1:11 2:22

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I saw 11:11 that night too.... (and today, which is 3/21, I saw 11:11 again. Lots of 11:11!) 

Ryan met Le'Anna (and Scott...and the kids and Steve too) last night. It went well. They liked each other! Sweet relief!! 

We are having some disconnects in understanding.... something is bothering him...he said he's going to talk to me about it soon, so that's good. I can feel it. We had that "conspiracy theory" thing come up a week or two ago and today he's genuinely upset about me wanting to watch Thor mate a female (to make babies)! I joked about it being "dog porn" and he now thinks I'm a sicko and does NOT want me to watch. And last night I told him he was killing himself (or something like that)... he was choking himself out so he stops breathing when he sleeps... he snores too... (as do I)...but that's definitely sleep apnea...no wonder he wants to sleep all the time and needs so much coffee to wake up (a whole pot!!)... but anyway... something about the way I said he was "damaging himself" or something like that... made him feel judged and sensitive and upset him.....which upset me that I upset him and I had shame and sadness arise. Ugh. The hard stuff.

We still haven't slept together either. Which is interesting. I'm glad because we are getting to know each other still and maybe we need to build our friendship better first. We DO. But he's so sweet. He worked all day but still drove me (and Moses... first dog to christen his fancy car) to Wake Forest to meet Le'Anna and family, and then he took me out/we got burgers and fries (to eat in the car with Moses) at Red Robin. He is a real gentleman. 

And I love sleeping next to him. I slept pretty well last night too!

So... I guess I just need to keep feeling into it. We both have bi-wave energies to nutralize. I pulled the Astrological Blueprint correction (ES) meditation the other day, and the Ruby Sun Temple of Amarna (OL) one yesterday, so I think we're just correcting and cleaning up all these templates.

Had a fantastic nutrition session with Susan yesterday which helped me with carnivore...aka... it's not sustainable long term. And she helped me identify that it is my thyroid that is wonky...that's what's causing my heart palpitations and irregularity as well as insomnia...so I need to really be supporting my thyroid....and eating some carbs (which is what my thyroid needs)... so I'm changing up my macros... maybe 33/33/33, or maybe a little less carbs and a little more fat which my body seems to really like.

We had a baby chick hatch yesterday! Whoop!

Okay, back to work!!