Today

Jannelle said that she heard that the yeast infections and burning are a sign that my body is rejecting Paul. I mean, she didn't say Paul...she just heard that's a thing. And I know Paul and I sometimes burn each other so it hurts...and I feel like I get yeast infections... but maybe it's not. I don't know. But definitely become a problem since I started having sex with him. And our mouths... especially his... yeast and bacteria. Yuck. Poor guy.

Paul is healing. We are healing. But he is still blanketed in Satanism. He's getting out of it...but he loves that music... it resonates with the blackness in his soul. And he supports his daughter ... encourages her... smoking pot...she looks so sick and unwell and he thinks it's fine. They talk to eachother so yuckily. Inappropriately... swearing and stuff. Just... not nuturing.

He needs to heal so he can help his family to heal. That's it. And maybe WE can help Ryan to heal. And we need to focus on ourselves. So... that's it.

Ryan is being so brave going out on a limb to hang out with me. He has anxiety too. 

Maybe I'll label every day as "today". :)

I made pretty much the same habit tracker but left room for 5 "misses"... so if I have a day where I want a strawberry, I won't fail myself. But I need to get myself thinking properly... focused on taking CARE of myself... not limiting or shortchanging myself. Meat will help my body to heal.

I just took a half dropper full of Blue Vervain... the naturopath guy who took my aura photo said I should do that. I guess I am beginning to feel it. 

I love Paul. But is he the man that can take care of me? That will love me and accept my love? It seems so HARD with him. It always has been...so so hard. God, please guide and protect me.

Yep, I definitely feel some numbness happening with this Blue Vervain and it's making me freak out a little. I wonder if I panic when I smoke pot and all that...when my body feels differently...because I was drugged as a child? I am scared of that feeling.

I saw 1/11:11 today too... and 1/11:22

I LOVE that Ryan isn't on social media and that he does crossword puzzles as brain games... in the paper... 

Talk about "Keeping up with the O'Malleys!" Now I want to BE one!! (Okay, I've always wanted to be one.)

Saw12:22 and 1/2:22 + 14:22,1/2:33

Talking to my pendulum again and it seems to think it's in my best interest to break up with Paul and date Ryan. Is it a trick?

Is it saying that I'll be injured if I'm with Ryan (from the jab)? Sasha called.

Well, now I'm getting that I can help clear any damage from it. But then I'd still be injured. Maybe on my soul wanting to experience that. Paul may still be my highest and best partner...but I should break up with him? I'm all knotted up. 

Is this red wave? Feels like it could be... this thing with Ryan. It's so powerful. I just want to hug him. Can that be enough? I want to be with a man who is kind and who likes me. I can tell Ryan likes me and wants to spend time with me. He says it. He also needs confidence and I want to help him feel like a man. Oh God!! Please guide and direct me. Paul is being so nice to me right now - checking in with me and we are on this healing project together. 

Is he still looking at asian women on instagram and/or talking to other women? Let me check the pendulum. Just had a long convo with that... seems like I could be happy with Paul but that I should break up with him. Sounds like he is fantasizing and talking to other women and lusting after asian girls on instagram. Oh GOD, show me the WAY. (Derek!!??) <-- that's Paul. 

So I just need to BE and not DO anything. Just LOVE and allow GOD to move. Feel through...identify the red wave and lust and overcome it IF that's what I want. The thing is, maybe I don't. Maybe I don't care. But I MUST care. Which side of the bifurcation do I want to be on? I feel like this is the energy that blew Kirk up. I need to be careful. Calm down. Breathe. Kirk's birthday will be in 2 weeks. 

10:10