AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Medulla_Oblongata
I had to protect my medulla oblongata two nights ago when I was standing in my kitchen talking to Ryan and a frequency came through that felt intense and loud ... so much so that I covered the back of my skull and my third eye (though I was more focused on the bridge of my nose accidentally).
Ryan and I are currently in a disagreement about conspiracy theories...again. He's very sensitive to it. I'm tired by it. I'm just tired.
Seems very important:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/RBC_Formation
Definitely feeling like I'm dealing with some spleen, kidney, blood, and oxygen stuff lately.
ps. Things with Ryan are amazing! Super duper in love and feeling loved and grateful and working toward a life together. I need to get my health in line.
pss. Being called back to pure carnivore, no sweets, and coffee is okay.
I haven't posted in ES for a long time... but I wanted to respond to Sarah's post about psychosis. I wrote the following and didn't post:
This is the name of the song that touched me just now. A techno-y song by Ava Max...but that's what I'm going through. (My last post was a song title too.)
Anyway, I need to do a brain dump and just type to myself. I've been talking and a little texting on my Journal App which has really been the main place I've been processing...but it's more like just dumping or blathering. I think I process a little better when I type.
The Devil's Walking Stick oracle card came true... by going on the dating apps, it brought this complication in my life.... but it is leading to growth, I hope. Learning to be honest and authentic and letting the chips fall where they may.
I love Ryan.
I also feel a deep kinship that could ripen into love (and felt like love, but I was trying to be mature and not say it) with Clifford.
I have loved Ryan a long time... it was unrequited love.... and now he's had some massive awakening (a dream come true) and loves me back and is saying and seeing all the things I've longed for the whole time. And I don't trust it. But it feels really real.
It took me a long time and lots of heartbreak and pep talks to finally let go of Ryan and move on.
And I met a really amazing guy who I really like who has a lot going for him! The downfall is that he's still married. He has been separated since last December (but really only living in separate bedrooms during the weekends and living in a different house during the week). The divorce isn't imminent as they are waiting for each other to file. And I remembered that I was with Paul when he was still technically married (although 10+ years out of that relationship since he'd even seen or talked to her).
___
Sorry, I got distracted. I wrote a good honest note to Ryan.
The fact is, I love Ryan. My heart lights up when I am with him.
We need time. I need to know that what Ryan is and is offering is real. And now I've hurt him and he will need to heal from that.
"Give time time."
Poor Clifford though. :(
Dang devil's walking stick.
___
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”~Yoda
My smoke alarm strangeness was a message and from God or Guardians, etc... warning.... pay attention.
My spleen and left side and wound of christ is part of a clearning
the EMF and ungroundedness and anxiety and stuff happening in my body is all part of what's going on right now
They are karmic patterns going around... I'm listening to the October update... I got pulled away... but these are my people and the information comforts me.
__
Ryan is being super sweet... fighting for me... it feels really real and lovely and I don't want him to have to hurt or fight. He's my guy. He IS my guy. I knew it. I knew it when I first looked at him. So many layers and veils to get beyond but we've done it.
I need to be all in with Ryan. Period. I WANT to be all in with Ryan, period.
One of my all-time favorite songs:
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=c3Pd7nH7Y40&si=Sthb-mb5NtuxTKYk
Am I sabotaging myself?
My dreams come true with Ryan and I can't stop thinking about Clifford.
Fly with ME, Carissa! It's YOU! You're my love!!!
---
Ryan and I had a week and a half of magic and love and it was amazing! Thank you God! I just don't think we want the same thing.... and I want to focus on myself. I need to focus on myself and prepare for the timeline shift (which we're in the middle of). I want to cut my nails. I want to be alone. I want to cry and rest and read and love and talk to friends and do what feels right and good to me. I love Nahko Bear... this is my resonance. A man who loves animals like Ryan does, who kisses me like Clifford does, and who vibrates like Nahko.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Healing_our_Heart
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXEQ_DY-5Co - Great Night
Ramsey is showing me what a loving and kind friend (which extends to my future partner) looks and feels like. It's authenticity, kindness, listening, caring, sharing. Making time to touch base. Sharing feelings and experiences. Talking. Dreaming. Healing. My heart is expanding and healing.
Yesterday or the day before I listened to a clip from my audio journal called "anal goodbye" and it's heartbreaking to hear what I've been through... and I kept trying ... putting myself back in position to be hurt over and over and over. Why?
I've watched half of the movie "Mavka: The Forest Song" so far and it's so good!
Nature is my Source, Healer, Inspiration. And I'm so grateful for the resonance of things that are in tune with her.
God bless Ryan. He tries. But we're just not on the same page. I don't want fast food, TV, loveless sexual activity. I thought I could earn it or trade these things he likes for what I like...but I still haven't "gotten mine" and it's been a year and 8 months. I'm fine.
I can't imagine anyone better than Ramsey for me. Why is Ramsey so far away? Because God wanted us to learn our lessons and grow together in heart and spirit and then see where it goes. And maybe just to teach me... he may be a placeholder and teacher and maybe God has my guy around here. I don't think I am at the caliber of beauty Ramsey is... I hate to say that I'm not "good enough" because I am.... but I may not be his girl... and I DO want him to have a family and pregnant fairy wife ... he deserves all the best things, he's so beautiful. I even liked arguing with him. Last week I think it was...we had a disagreement and he took control and said, "can we just slow down here"... he was so good. He's so good. I'm falling for him. And it isn't as scary because we are just friends. No love poems. Just friendship. And authenticity. And I love it.
And I love Needtobreathe. Listening to a whole concert now: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji82siRKVFY&list=LM
Suggested for Today in ESF... Emotion Journaling Exercise.
I have a lot. Fear about very high cholesterol. Need to care for my body, mind, heart, and soul. Ryan is toxic poison. I am addicted to him... the juice... it's killing me. Time to hang it up. Not worth it. This is exactly like alcohol and cigarettes.... the little hit that I get... and I mean LITTLE. BREADCRUMBS of kindness ... usually in the form of him helping me around my house... it makes me feel connected for a moment... hopeful for a moment. I like when he gives me attention and wants to spend time with me- talking to me. He doesn't desire me. He likes me to give pleasure to him but he is not a giver. and it might FEEL like he was when he was attracted to me and wanted to take from me... he would take sex... it's never been about giving... he wanted to do things his way and I wanted to be close to him... but he has always been rough and not "gentle gentle" ... slapping my boobs and just in general, not caring about my experience. But I loved that he was playing with me. And I kept at it... and he insulted me... poisoning me with words every chance he got. Instead of building me up, he tore me down. And no wonder I've gained weight... though really it's only about 10 pounds, but I'm melting inside... not strong and healthy. My muscles have atrophied. My heart and will and self-esteem has wilted.
My home is so beautiful and I have the best friends - my pets and plants.
It's time for me to choose me. Time to move on. If I want more people in my life, I can get them. I can join apps and go to meetups and that's fine. I'm not a loser or on my own island. Right now my life is full with work (so much Malai to do) and caring for my home. Nurturing myself and my home needs to be my priority.
I don't have time to waste any more. I gave Ryan so much of me - wasted so much time waiting for him and it's been a loss. But let's realize that I've had a valuable lesson and I pray that seeds were cast that will grow for both of us.
My health needs to be my priority. Do and eat things and be with people that NOURISH me. Period.
That's the ESF quote of the day:
"Saying No, needs no explanation."
Could I learn this?
And this:
And do this:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Clearing_Ancestral_Miasma
God is so good to me!!
AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Mass_Consciousness_Dreamscape
If we can grasp that our current station of identity is walking through a consciousness dream that is taking place in the borders of a mass consciousness dreamscape, you can train your consciousness to move forward or backward in time to observe and release the impact of negative events from imprinting upon one’s consciousness. As an observer of the mass dreamscape, the sliding consciousness observes traumatic events or negativity in time and yet is not imprinted by the negative emotional residue. To observe something means that we are looking at something we do not identify with as ourselves, we see the reality playing in either forms of dark or light and we discern what it is, but we know that it is ultimately a movie playing in a dreamscape.
Much of what we can observe in the world today is the result of the past selves and the masses combined thought forms in the lower dimension timeline that were imprinted in the earth fields. Empaths and sensitives can easily discern the obvious amount of trauma and pain that is recorded in the energy field of the earth, as a result of the accumulated collective consciousness thought forms being directed into anti-human values and the practices of other ideologies that generate collective pain. These thought patterns move backward or forward in time, and they can move up or down the dimensional scale impacting the state of consciousness that exists in different sections of the field.
Dreamwalking is an altered state of heightened consciousness while in the pure observer state, it can occur while in another timeline, reality or even existing outside of time. While in this altered state, we can bring that which was unconscious into our conscious awareness, we can directly participate with that content while in our higher consciousness, the compassionate witness. The path of awakening is to bring that which is unconscious into awakened consciousness, to heal the darkness or reveal the deception in order to see the greater truth. This is the state of bringing the eternal light to illuminate the shadows of darkness, thereby alchemically transforming its nature to reflect the higher truth as the light shines upon it. We may prepare for entering this state by opening into deep prayer, meditation, and focused attention, calling upon our Avatar Christ, Solar Logos to help guide us through difficult emotional terrain in the compassionate witness.[1]
...oh yeah, I started reading some of Ram Das' book "Be Here Now" last night with my dinner. I love it.
I actually came to write about this book "The Inner Work" by Mat & Ash which is rocking my world too... calling me back to Presence, Truth, and reminding me who I AM. God is helping me - so much support to help me shed all this miasma that I've picked up and packed on.
How can I let go of fear?
How can I let go of the habit of people pleasing and trying to source affection and approval from outside myself?
How can I take better care of myself?
Should I go to Hawaii? (Yes, the answer is yes and came before I even finished asking. I know I need to "geocache" there... pick up a soul fragment. It's like the call to Cahokia Mounds... just know I need to go. And maybe Ramsey being there is the masculine to anchor the heirogamic healing codes? I don't know. That's assignment of story. Really unnecesary...but it seems like it helps me in some way... gives experience meaning.)
My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Cosmic_Founder_God_Source_Fields
I can't be my real/true self... I don't LET myself be my true self with Ryan for fear of his judgement. He got angry last night when I alluded to his judgements. Just remembered that. Anyway, that's for my compassionate witnessing, not my own judgement and I am so grateful for this book and need to get back to work.
Part of me has known for a while that there is more to the story with Ramsey. I keep downplaying it and pretending instead of fully feeling. It hasn't felt like time and still isn't.
Guard my mind:
Quote of the day:
"The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius.
Ag pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Healing_our_Heart
Exactly on point. I think part of me is holding space for the devastation in the western part of the state. Part of me is witnessing how sickness wants to worm it's way in through the mind. Part of me is overwhelmed and frazzled and spread too thin. Part of me has a lot of emotion and sadness and overwhelm from responsibility at home. And I need to learn to care for myself...listen to my needs and love myself. Rest in peace (not death)... actual peace in knowing everything is exactly as it's meant to be. The tears welling up now are supposed to be there...releasing some density that I don't have room for in the dark. Presence. Everything is perfect in this moment and even if it's hard, it's right where I'm meant to be. Just be open to experiencing, witnessing, all of it.
And cut the things that aren't healthy for me out. Fast food. Careless spending (of money and time).
YES. Suggested for today... thank you God. Fear not beloved Carissa!
Timeline Override Sequence (TOS)
The quick process of the Timeline Override Sequence (TOS) for the Starseed or Energy Session is:
• Observe the Experience.
• Hold Neutral as the Compassionate Witness of God.
• Synthesize the Opposing Polarities by Loving them Equally.
• Internally Unify inside your Body through Applied Acceptance and Forgiveness.
• If Asked, Release the Mental Bondage Memory (Soul Retrieval, RRO1)
• Cellular Embodiment of the Unified Experience takes place.
• In Gratitude, Peace and Balance is Restored.
Tip: A Starseed (or any being) must perceive the Infinite to be within the Oneness, a state of consciousness which opens the doorway to the Law of One. So in many cases the Starseed will be exposed to negative polarity systems and “perceived” negative experiences in order to override the timeline of destruction, as well as source the causation in the timeline where the destructive event has applicable relationship to current outcomes. It returns to the Oneness to override the destruction created in polarity.
RRO, Return to the Rightful Owner Command
A Command made in God’s Authority in the Law of One.
breathe my Love.
I need to go beyond my feelings. I need to go beyond my thoughts.
I need to be present. And honest. And sincere.
I need to learn to listen to my heart...take time to peel back the layers and really listen and really hear and then check back to confirm and see if it's fleeting and find out which part of me feels or sees that and hold space for it. I am my Love.
I attract "conspiracy theorists"... I suppose I AM because I believe things are not as they seem and that anything is possible and that there are nefarious people and schemes happening.
I made up... thought up... witnessed the hurricane being moved/shifted with my own eyes...the cloud seeding... I saw it and God gave me wisdom to know what it was.
I like Ryan when he's nice but his mind is stuck and he is a slave to his ego which tears everyone else down and says everyone and everything is stupid except him.
I need to find my feminine. I need to find my softness and my own strength to allow my softness. I need to be my best friend.
Today I heard that women are attuned outward (toward men's and others' needs) and men are attuned inward (toward their own needs)...we need to find ways to find balance.
I need time to come back to me.
Will try again for a session with Roland on Saturday. Will try again to start my healing diet/mindset - CARNIVORE (mostly) tomorrow.
God bless and hold and help the people of the NC mountains... so much devastation and loss from Helene... so many lives lost. I can't even imagine and don't want to but I want to offer my heart and God please show me what else I can do. Ah. Hold an aqua portal... hold space for transiting souls. Thank you God..
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Quality_of_Intention
I wish I had described consciousness to Ryan better ... I tried. I need to keep my eyes on my own paper. Let go of that which doesn't serve me. Care for my own home, body, family, etc. Love myself back to wholeness.
___
Here are today's AG picks etc.:
Quote: "People will show themselves with actions, not words."
Reflection:
This is what is confusing... Ryan's actions are often kind, but his words are not. He's not ready. It's a timing issue as Jennifer alluded to. And I need to come back to myself. I can't accept the meanness. I'm not a victim and I've created this. I've created it so I can overcome it.
AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Tyranny
"Tyranny is about the Abuse of Power over others through a variety of methods; deception, lying, manipulation, Mind Control, bullying and intimidation. Whether it's a pushy person, a control freak, a bully, or an outright tyrant, the problem is the same: their goals are always more important than yours."
I want to say this article points to Ryan - he is a liar, cheater, stealer, bully, and doesn't care who he hurts or takes advantage of. Hurt people hurt people. But he does some of it out of self-preservation - a wounded animal. This is not who he is at his core.
"A difficult, pushy person has gone too far again. They are bossing you around, acting selfish and self-important, threatening you, making demands, barking orders, and abusing their power. Control freaks, imperative people, and tyrants exercise power in a harsh, cruel, or destructive manner. They are oppressive, harsh, arbitrary people who make life difficult for too many of us. They are annoying, inconsiderate, and demeaning."
But it's also about me. I am pushy and controlling. I need to stop trying to control others. I am not doing it in a harsh, cruel, or destructive manner. Ryan is. But I think that I think I know better ... I have an ego problem too. He does too... and it's made him sick. We're toxic and I can't swim around in that anymore... it's making him worse and sicker and me weaker and sicker too. Enabling the behavior, perpetuating victim consciousness. I need to guard my heart and life. (I said "from him", but there's something twisty there. He's not to blame. I'm the one creating this experience for myself. I wanted to know how bad it could be. How desperate and stupid one could be. And now I will learn and remember how it feels to be treated well, as I deserve, with kindness and generosity and grace and forgiveness. I will see myself and celebrate myself.
How can I stop myself in my tracks when I start longing for a hit of Ryan? It's a drug. Let him go. What can I substitute? Not food. That's tangled in there and I'm not interested in perpetuating my sickness... it's making my body sick too. Take care of my body. What can I do that feels good?? Maybe it's a TV program again? Maybe it's rom-coms or walking my boys. God, could I please have that greenway by my house?
I'll get through this, I'm strong. And I pray for Ryan to heal and find his Way too.
Suggested practice for the day:5 Steps to Refocus Mind
The 5 Steps to Negative Ego Reprogramming – How to Shift Mental Gears
Exercise to Discipline the Lower Mind as it is not God's job to control yoru mind.
1. RE-LABEL - Identify the negative thought or emotion as a distorted pattern of negative ego consciousness.
This fear pattern is my Negative Ego. This is not the real me.
2. RE-ATTRIBUTE - Dis-identify from the thought or emotion as you. Through self awareness, one can begin to master emotional states and then one can begin to choose higher responses.
I am the eternal being, not my thoughts or emotions.
3. RE-FOCUS - Move yourself out of situation, environment or the emotional trigger for that negative or painful thought. Go for a walk, listen to music, change your focus and move your body.
Beloved God, give me strength to not exert my will but serve the highest expression of divine will.
4. RE-VALUE - Revalue the power you have given this negative thought or emotion to rule your life. See this negative pattern for what it truly is, how it impacts your life. Fears are what limit potential and disempower you. Fear and negatvity rob you of inner peace and fulfillment as an authentic and divine being.
Get behind ME, Negative Ego! I AM that I AM. Be Still and know I am God, Sovereign free!
5. REQUEST HELP - Commit to expressing Higher Emotion and Living authentically, aligning with your Soul Purpose.
Pray and meditate, ask for help from spirit. Work your spiritual tools. Stay in the now!
Tools: Core Fear matrix removal program, emotional clearing techniques, affirmations and decrees, Ascension Meditation treatments, positive mantra chant to refocus mind, 12D sealing, request higher self to help. Ask for higher guidance to lead you to the perfect resonance technique to assist you int his moment. Breathe.When you get anxious and notice a self-defeating program of your ego taking over, apply breath and self-forgiveness.
message to Ryan
Ryan, you know I love you. I have invested so much of my life and heart in you (and I know you have too - invested your time and energy and trusted me to open your heart more than ever before. That stirs up things, especially when there is a lot of pain in your heart that wants to be seen, loved, and released.).
I hate that we don't see eye to eye on our trajectory/future and am refocusing my energy toward gratitude for all we shared. You have been my favorite partner to date ... although the verbal weaponry was severe, I feel that God prepared me and made me to be able to withstand it without too much damage. You call it my Wonder Woman handcuffs, but I see it as the space to be able to step back and see what is and isn't true. And much of the way you see me isn't true. Some is, and some has merit and is definitely a signpost pointing toward healing for me. I would prefer to do that under kind and compassionate circumstances, but it is what it is.
I see how I so desperately am trying to use you to fill the hole in my heart that is reserved for my own/God's love and now know that it could never live up. As you've pulled away, I've started fantasizing about a relationship that would meet my needs and provide a safe and comfortable space. However, I caught myself doing it again last night and I see it for what it is... a distraction to keep me from doing the personal work I need to do. I need to love myself to wholeness and then my personal vibration will call in a partner that is a match for me... one that wants to share a life with me.
I still hold on to hope that it will be you. That you will do your own work while I'm doing mine and that you will have a revelation about how wonderful I am and realize that you don't want to do life without me! But that is a pie-in-the-sky wishful thinking fantasy. I have to stop hoping for you to change... for you to want something different than what you want.
So I need to learn to listen to and meet my own needs...love myself well... and just BE ME and be happy.
and I need to let you be you... and enjoy the life you have created for yourself - it's beautiful too!
I like to play and explore and love animals and nature and am whacky and eccentric and funny and unique.... I want to be delighted in. I want to share a healing and loving journey where we help our hearts and lives to blossom... it's very active and lovely. I love family and friends and new experiences and to have intimacy and rubs and sweet love... and I love to care for, tend to, serve, dote on my sweetheart... and that's okay! If it's God's plan, there will be a man that wants to share this with me. And if it's not God's plan...then I will share this with myself and my tribe. (I hope you will be part of my tribe... one of my cherished friends if that is possible. And if it's not, I'll always hold our precious moments close to my heart with gratitude for what we've shared. You have enriched my life as well.)
Thanks for listening. I wrote this for myself and will post it in my journal but not send it. I'm whiddling away my own understanding... watching my Ways and will see where it goes.Ramsey became the object of my affection although I know it can't be and isn't meant to be with him, but it shows me, like Kirk, that there are others out there that would be a good match and appreciate me for me. (I did the Pattern App bond - both friendship and romantic - and it seems like it would be pretty good... but still challenging... but I feel like Ramsey is meant to be in Hawaii... he has that spirit... and I pray he finds happiness and love there and need to let him go... the fantasy of him go.) Ryan feels like my guy... he feels substantial in my life and heart.... it's just so broken.... and toxic sometimes.... he's got a lot of work to do and he displaces it on me. I also have work to do, not the least of which is running away when the going gets tough. But we don't have a solid relationship and he isn't attracted to me, he likes what I give him. We've been broken up since 9/11 (no coincidence) after a great day and then I said his eyebrows remind me of Le'Annas (when they get furrowed... it seems to be a hormone or demon change... )I couldn't get all that out because he flew off the handle that I would dare compare him to Le'Anna. He's still holding tight to when she said she'd break all his windows (when she was being sweet and sticking up for me, and said it to me privately, but he overheard.... so he thinks she's evil... but look at all the horrible things he says about her, me, and everyone. It's ludacris.)... anyway... yeah....all this.
But it's time to get comfortable being alone. I enjoyed meditation, stretching, and mudras and conversation with Misha and Braden & Yasmine last night..
I love you. I think we have a ton of potential. If I am given a choice, it would be my preference to be in a relationship/to share my life with you.
I am also my own person and I have my own thoughts and have had a whole life before you. I have friends and want to keep my friends. I would like it if Paul were my friend. I care about him. I want him to be well. I obviously do not want to be in a relationship with him, but I would like to be friends…or actually…. acquaintances. So if something comes to mind that I think would be of interest to him, that it wouldn’t be taboo to shoot him a message. I want to be free to do that with anyone. I want to not be ashamed to care about people. I want to be free to share it with you too. I don’t want secrets. I just want to be me. And ME = a free spirit who fires off messages to friends when I feel moved to do so.
Paul is not a threat to you.
No, I don’t choose "him over you". That’s not even a thing. That’s apples and oranges. I only choose you. But first and foremost, I must choose ME.
Dear Ramsey, I apologize in advance for the emotionally charged (and drama filled) message that is forthcoming. I want to be completely honest about this whole situation to the best of my ability so that we can all move forward with clear hearts and minds, especially as you go off on your grand adventure to Hawaii.First of all, I am so grateful for our friendship - for all we've been through - you as my bestie's beloved (who I heard her pine about for years before I actually got to meet you in person), and then the shared experiences we all had playing and doing life.... and for the opportunity to hold space for you both as you worked through heartbreak.... and the continued friendship, support and respect that we've shared as a result. It's been a blessing. You are definitely one of the greats on this planet - mother earth and all of us that are a part of her are lucky to have you tending to her.
I'm sorry about the very uncomfortable position that I invited you into with Ryan. I never could have imagined it would go like that. Everything just flowed that day - we texted and then talked and you were free so I invited you to the Master Gardener's awards and then to come to my house... it just flowed... it had been so long and I was excited for you to see my work and home.... all good stuff. But this is where it went wrong.....I started scheming about you being my roommate. And although I meant no harm, it put what ensued into motion and ended up hurting Ryan, you, and I.
As you know, I love Ryan very much. We are both broken but I feel that God has brought us together to heal. That day, we were on the outs and often when that's the case, I feel hopeless and think I need to come up with a new plan (to save myself/create security). The roommate thing (and honestly, male friend thing) is a part of that. I was simultaneously trying to keep it real with Ryan because no matter what, I want him in my life and DO try to do the right thing. So I invited him over to meet you.
When he arrived, he was already upset at me (and I at him).... and because of our divide was already on edge.... but it didn't have to go like that. I think I could have helped extinguish that fire. Perhaps if I had jumped up to kindly and excitedly introduce him to you, it could have gone better and wouldn't have left both of you hurt (<-- for lack of a better word).So this is the heart of the matter. This is what I didn't want to say to you the other day. I said there was something I wasn't ready to tell you, but I'm going to now because I want to put it all on the table.
Ryan is incredibly intuitive and intune with me (and his surroundings.... animals... everything). He wasn't wrong about what he picked up. I didn't expect it, but I was falling for you as we were talking on the couch. My heart was open and it felt really nice and Ryan's right... I had a "cheating heart". There is no doubt in my body, mind, and soul that I deeply love Ryan... he's my guy... but I was sitting there falling in love with you too. I think this must happen to you a lot. You are sensitive and poetic and open and kind and it's easy to fall in love with you. And it's one of my traits that I want to call "bad", but maybe it just is what it is.... but I fall in love easily.... and maybe I'm not saying it in a romantic way... but it gets blurry... but I feel like I can fall in love with anyone... I'm in love with so many of my friends and when I look in people's eyes with an open heart and mind, I can just love them deeply. So... I don't know if that's an excuse or what... but I need to know it and recognize that it's definitely not safe to share intimacy with other men when I am committed to Ryan. I need to shore myself up so I'm not squooshy like that. I don't even like to be by myself with my male coworkers because it seems like it could get dangerous in that way, but I guess that's life... males and females coexisting....so I try to put on my emotional and mental armor... and maybe I am really broken and desperate for love... I think I am... this seems like my wounded inner child grasping for someone to love her...
so... all that to say: Ryan was right to be mad. He caught the woman that he loves with a cheating heart. And although part of me wishes that he wouldn't have been so rude to you, part of me likes that he stood up for me .... I am attracted to his strong masculinity and I appreciate him claiming me.
There were all these dynamics going on (and probably more in the multidimensional ether that we haven't even felt into) and you were an innocent bystander and I am so so sorry. :(
I didn't know how to tell you those things. So much drama. Which I see that I create and thrive on because I have a lot of work yet to do. So I wanted to confess this and apologize. I've had to confess and apologize to Ryan too. He wanted me to be honest with you so I am. By not sharing my inner feelings/side of the story, I was perpetuating my victim story, allowing you to think of Ryan as a raged tyrant, when the truth was, he was a gallant wounded lover who, yes, has opportunity to work on how he expresses anger, but who clearly saw and felt a betrayal which I perpetrated.
I don't know how it will play out with Ryan. I love him deeply and hope that we will find our Way, but no matter what, I've got to shore up my boundaries, take responsibility for myself and my actions (hidden ones too).
All this to say, I'm sorry. God bless you friend.
When we find ourselves uncomfortable with the actions of others, we can relieve ourselves by remembering to cultivate the right attitude towards self. The Law of One is the Universal Truth that All Is One.Thus, one who practices this understanding of the Law of One acts and makes decisions based upon his or her awareness that every action has a consequence to the self and to others.
"Self-Responsibility – Being able to own your own emotional conflicts without blame or projection upon another person by making it their fault. Do not assume that you know anything about that person that can be judged for what you cannot see or really know about them, as you have not walked in their shoes. When feeling upset towards somebody else, restore balance to your heart and aura by lovingly holding boundaries without violating others boundaries, by expecting them to resolve your conflict. Be willing and open to learn what the real issue is that has created the conflict. As most of the time, we're upset about something deep down from our own inner fears and it's not what it appears to be. By going deeper and reflecting on forgiveness of ourselves and forgiveness of others, while allowing the time and space needed to heal, helps to neutralize the conflict in most cases.Learning how to become responsible and accepting Self-Responsibility is a major step of productive Negative Ego clearing."
So perfect.
Read it many times.
Also want to note how generous and kind Ryan has been. He rubbed my feet yesterday... let me take 2 showers at his house, so kindly. He took care of Sioux... gave her hay and mucked her stall and fed her. Loved on the boys. Put on mood lighting for me. Just very kind. Talked to me. Had a nice talk. He has been open-hearted. But today he was hurt by my talk with Paul... I think it's intimate talk to him maybe. But it hurt him. And we have pain. And I caused it. And I have to acknowledge it. And feel it all.
The Magician is the bearer of knowledge both ancient and new.The magician archetype is synonymous with cognition.At its highest expression, the Magician is wise, thoughtful, understanding, reflective, healing, and contemplative. It is the archetype of transformation and mystery.
https://individualogist.com/12-archetypes/magician-archetype
Thank you God! Right on time!
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Discovering_the_Core_in_Relationship
Discovering the Core in Relationship
This time greatly impacts the macrocosm to microcosm reflection of our relationship to our true God Parents, and distinguishing the difference between the False Parent and the Holy Parent. This will pressure us to transform our relationship foundation to redefine its core, especially in marriages, unions and living together. For this reason, those in marriages or unions may have a harrowing time finding reconciliation and Compassionate ways to resolve any relationship issues as it must evolve to a higher spiritual purpose or complete its cycle.
Every relationship we have is designed for spiritual development, and especially now at the time of ascension humanity is extremely impacted by the changes that have occurred to the male-female dynamic as it connects to our personal growth.
Most people are unaware that many relationships on planet today are directly attracted by the spirit self in order to resolve past ancestral-family patterns, clear blockages, and integrate forces of polarity. All relationships are directly designed for personal growth and consciousness expansion. Without an evolutionary context towards relationships, one is left confused and potentially manipulated by unresolved personal pain. When we can recognize the fear program driving the core foundation in our relationships, we can refuse its control over our personal sovereignty as eternal soul beings. To address the fear is to make sure we keep our heart open for unconditional loving kindness, acting in service to the other, yet maintaining our boundaries for self-love and self-respect. Our goal is to move beyond old painful patterns that have defined our relationships, in the past or present.
First, this is an important time to identify and address the core reasons and beliefs that attracted your current relationship partner or previous relationships. We want to clear the core foundation of relationship attachments or beliefs that have been based on lower root chakra needs; survival, sex, money, glamour, mommy or daddy issues (False Parent), fantasy delusions or material convenience.
Once we can see where we have projected our issues on our relationships, our partner or lack thereof, then we must accept responsibility and seek to change our behavior in the relationship connections immediately.
Resolving Fears of Intimacy
To evolve relationships and achieve spiritually healthy, loving and deeply intimate connection, one must be willing to look honestly at one's personal capacity to be unconditionally loving, forgiving and to genuinely be of service to your partner, even if its inconvenient. One can address the defining foundation of relationships and note where fear, denial or pain has shut your heart down. Then make changes consciously to not let fear or pain close your heart down when communicating or facing issues. What prevents relationships from evolving is lack of transparency and generally communication blocks formed from deep fears of intimacy or vulnerability. Deep fears of intimacy are what completely shut down the emotional capability to experience deeper forms of loving intimacy and connection in every kind of relationship. Until we heal fears of intimacy /vulnerability, and we are willing to learn how to communicate loving kindness intimately with our partner, while acting transparently, we will not experience deep intimate bonds. We must rid ourselves of all judgment, facade and manipulation in the scope of relationships and intimate relating.
Take steps to clear and heal your emotional state when you recognize inner pain, or inner violence directed towards relationships, yourself or partner. Inquire on the nature and source of the pain, fear or anger. It is this unresolved pain and fear that block hearts from deeply connecting. Even if we realize our relationship is complete, we can evolve the relationship to a higher expression of mutual love and acceptance. This attracts the easiest transition to elevate our selves to the correct frequency match. Continue to develop skillsets to clear relationship based pain and fear, and improve communication skills and lifestyle habits that support intimate sharing with your partner.
The possibility of consciously evolving our relationships into bonds of loving-kindness starts with us, and our own personal level of emotional availability and our capacity to be intimate and access deep feelings. We must learn accurate assessment, trustworthiness, and not project fantasies and delusions on prospective or current relationships, which generally end in sexual misery and have disastrous consequences for our children and families. Making some inquiry into our relationship patterns at this time may be helpful to gain deeper clarity.
Is there any pain or resentment that you hold in relationship? Are you willing to accept responsibility for your feelings and forgive the pain, past and present?
What kind of relationship/s do you want? What has defined your intimate relationships? Can you accept responsibility for the state of your relationship/s now?
What brings you closer to your intimate partner, what pushes you away?
Are you aware of your intimate partner's likes or dislikes? What builds intimate connection in your relationship with them?
Do you feel loved by your partner and is your partner feeling loved by you? How can you improve loving feelings?
What time and energy are you willing to put into developing loving kindness and intimacy in this relationship?
How might you make them aware of your interest in building greater loving connection on a number of levels?
Has this relationship served its full purpose and is it complete now? Are you willing to know this? Can you release it fully without blaming anyone?
Can you focus on bringing lower sexual drives up into your heart and crown to connect heart to heart, expressing loving kindness during intimacy?
Krystic Guidelines
In having greater clarity about what has defined relationships that have previously not been based on loving kindness, service and spiritual development, we can clarify new ways to affirm our dedication to our spiritual principles. When we dedicate the practice of the Law of One to our relationships or to ourselves, we shift current relationships or attract the aligned spiritual mate for us at this time. Some guidelines for the Service to Others and Mastering Love in our relationships:
The inspiration to serve, love and give to your partner's spiritual development/ personal mission, health, happiness and wellbeing is a natural expression that emanates from selfless giving and sustained nourishment.
Emotional issues or energetic conflicts are calmly and accurately represented devoid of emotional drama, blame or exaggeration. Both parties are willing to communicate and willing to forgive and let it go.
Peace, harmony, friendship and nourishment in a comfortable setting, is the energetic quality and deeply intimate feeling of these relationships. Any type of verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse is nonexistent. Partners speak to others about their spouse in kind loving ways.
Interactions and communications between partners is maintained with mutual respect, honor and transparency. There is nothing that is intentionally hidden, deceived, contrived or manipulated. If it is subconscious, it will surface and both parties will gently recognize "it", then establish the guidelines to bring that subconscious material into conscious awareness and emotional reconciliation. Ambiguity and confusion is identified as a weakness and is directly dissolved with the mutual desire to communicate and develop consistent energetic clarity.
Expectations are not present. Expectation is replaced with Appreciation. There is natural energetic flow of balance in which both parties assume active-passive exchanges, which are ever evolving and changing to suit the environmental needs. There is no such thing as harping on your partner, because each one shares the responsibility to keep the mutual space comfortable and peaceful. Both partners feel acknowledged and appreciated for their part.
Mystery, seduction, charisma and deceiving behaviors do not have a place in the transparency of a Krystic relationship. Intimate bonding is stemming from unconditional love based on a mutually clear, open, honest assessment of circumstances and of both partners. Fantasy projections, overly romanticized ideals, addictions, hero/damsel in distress, savior/martyr (mostly fictionalized from Victim archetypes), and sexual vampires have no place in this relationship.
These are new relationship templates being created on this planet, and they take an advanced skillset in clearing Negative Ego and Pain Body before this can be effortlessly experienced and achieved. It is important to realize this kind of clarity and bond in a loving relationship can be experienced, and honor the relationships that we have had in our lifetime. Every relationship is an opportunity to gain self-energetic mastery and self-knowledge and is an important stepping-stone to spiritual consciousness development that leads to inner Energetic Balance and then outer sacred union (Hieros Gamos).
Embrace these changes if they occur, as they are divine interventions to protect your heart and soul to unite with your true spiritual purpose. This action is sourced in spiritual freedom and love.[1]
...not okay.
Yelling. Blaming. Shaming. Twisting. Turning everything against me as though I am bad.
Today it was raining and I thought he would not be working this afternoon so I got his agreement to get tickets for the first day of Deadpool vs. Wolverine...thinking it would be fun. We agreed to see how the day went. No big deal. But then he called me up hours later angry that I had put this on him. Victim mentality. Saying I was willful and pushing my will on him and blah blah, I'm evil and bad...blah blah.
I'm over it. Yesterday he came over at 9:30pm. He didn't have time for me until then. He hasn't had the decency to respond to my verbal and written requests around use of my car (since Saturday)... he used my credit card to buy something for his boss/work and got snippy and sarcastic and rude when I asked him to pay it back ("of course I'm going to pay it back! Do you really think you have to verbalize that out loud and ask me?" blahblah)...
HE's abrasive.
I want peaceful and loving and good friends that care about me and that we can care about each other and the world. I want male and female friends. I AM feeling ready to be done. Ready to be single. Ready to be at peace.
I AM at peace. I AM happy and well-adjusted and patient and kind. Ryan's view of me is skewed because his lens is HIS lens which has a brand name of "victim mentality" and "poverty consciousness". This is MY lesson to learn to value myself enough to put my foot down and say that I don't want to be around that. There's nothing worth it... I appreciate him looking out for me when he feels like it - breadcrumbs of attention, but usually it's insults. Yesterday I told him I was interested in maybe auditioning at the Smithfield Little Theatre and he gffawed and said I'm so attention-seeking. He just isn't for me. Let him delete Telegram and cut me off from the gate code. Let him do what he wants. I need to move on. I'll do therapy alone. And lick my wounds and care for my own heart.
Read my book.
Heal. Pray. Explore alone. Do ME.
----
Ag pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Metatronic_Repair
Great quote. I need to put this into action in my life...especially with Ryan:
"The greatest generosity is non-attachment." ~Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)
Ag pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/RBC
The dang "Gemini" - Google's Ai - says:
Your body needs iron and other nutrients to produce healthy red blood cells. You can support red blood cell production by:
Eating a balanced diet
Foods that contain iron, vitamins B12 and B9, vitamin C, vitamin A, and copper can help boost red blood cell production. Good sources of iron include red meat, egg yolks, liver, tofu, and iron-fortified foods like cereal, flour, and bread. Other foods that contain vitamins B12 and B9 include meat, poultry, shellfish, eggs, fortified breakfast cereals, and dairy products. Folate is found in fortified cereals, dried beans and lentils, orange juice, and green leafy vegetables.
Taking dietary supplements
You can also take supplements to provide your body with the nutrients it needs.
Getting enough sleep
Aim for 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night to support optimal blood cell regeneration. Lack of sleep has been scientifically linked to high blood pressure, weight gain, and elevated stress hormones.
Reducing alcohol intake
Increasing exercise levels and reducing alcohol intake may also help.
Okay. I've been thinking I need to eat some organ meat and eggs... I think that's what's going on. Interesting.
My "Modus Operandi" is to RUN. When the going gets tough, the tough (thickheaded/hearted) get going. It's getting real with Ryan... my honeymoon phase is wearing off. I'm getting tired of waiting for him to come around. I get these glimpses... the first 3 weeks of our relationship was heaven. Last week or maybe it was 2 weeks ago now, we had another window of beauty. I felt loved, accepted, and safe. But that's not the norm. The norm is strife. The norm is me compromising my own happiness and comfort - offering it, instead, to Ryan...hoping that it will infuse his life with life-giving energy that will activate him into his higher timeline/potential.
Why don't I infuse my energy into myself to activate MY higher potential?
Partially, I egotistically think I'm already there in some aspects. This is a trick and lie. I have so far to go. I have not learned to listen to my own heart and prioritize my needs. I have not learned to protect and care for my sweet inner child... I have not attained peace, love, and harmony in all my relationships or the comforts I would like in this world (free-flowing currency in order to work less... though I don't work much, I just have to be away from home, which is honestly in my favor... interaction with other people helps me to grow...it's a good challenge.... but I want to be able to travel on a whim and go where I'd like. I'd like to have a handiman and animal caretaker I can trust.)
I used to want to sleep/snuggle with a loved one...but maybe I'm enjoying my own space. It would be nice for us both to have our own bedrooms but snuggle when we want. But definitely want to live together. Our own rooms is nice. My meditation space and self-care space. Important stuff for me. But chores together. Cooking and eating and cleaning together.
I want to be FAMILY to my partner.
Ryan just isn't there. And he is not a good partner. Sometimes and some aspects he is. But I get overly excited because he picked up a couple piles of Sioux poop. I do that every day... take care of all my animals. I want help...a partner... I'm celebrating crumbs.
So am I running or just seeing clearly? Corie's warning about committing to someone who you know doesn't love you the way you need... it's sinking in. (She's talking about Jerry, and Jerry, to me, seems so great... a good partner, provider, man, etc.) Ryan is not that... not a good partner, definitely not a good provider. He's a good man...has a good heart, buried beneath trauma which he has to want to unbury or heal which he says he doesn't. He is really hard. But when he's not, he's the best ever! My favorite friend. I have peace sitting next to him. I want to go eat and go to the movies and go on walks and explore and talk with him. But maybe there is someone else out there that I'll feel that for and that will feel it with me and that will want to work toward a relationship with me. But first I need to take time to invest in myself.
Ryan is a good friend and playmate. He is, indeed, "damaged goods". I don't mind that so much because we all are. But he hurts me with his lusting after other women, short-fuse and egostudded attacks, and his lack of investment in me or my desires and needs. It's so clear...but I keep fighting myself in hopes that I can believe, hope, and love it into existence. Maybe I can.
I need to read the affirmations every day. And believe.
____
Just talked to Ryan who expressed that he loved me when we were getting off the phone. And he expressed that he wanted to be my compassionate witness that would hear my heart - that I could share my feelings and challenges with. (I long to hear this. I wish it were true. It could become true. Right now I don't feel that it's safe to share my feelings with him.)
I want:
Safety - to be a mess and make mistakes and know we'll work through it
Commitment and a movement toward closeness and sharing lives. To be Ryan's family....cherished the way he cherishes his cats
To have the space I need to keep growing and changing and acceptance for the fact that I will always change and never be perfect
___
I'd like to express:
That it hurts me to know that the man I am putting effort into building a relationship with unabashedly lusts after other women...and with the walmart experience, the duck/hide to get an eyeful of someone else was strange and confusing.
To know your thoughts on borrowing my car for work. Asking for you to uphold your end of the bargain in taking care of it, providing it for my use once a week to take my trash, and asking for a small "lease" fee ($100mo) doesn't feel exorbitant to me. I intended it to be generous - thinking that I am helping you keep the miles off your car (and putting a LOT on mine. It's likely you will drive mine to death.) And I'm sharing that with you to benefit and support you. The $100 a month will help pay for insurance ($509.22), registration, and taxes (around $200) and any left over will help me pay toward my other car.
I want us to live together. We can have our own bedroom and space, but I want us to be able to come "home" to each other.
I want us to be family.
I want to poop or get off the pot.
I will never be perfect. I'm a work in progress (and so are you). I want to be works in progress together. If that doesn't work... if we have to "arrive" before we start, that's not going to work for me.
I want to be held and snuggled and pet and cared for.
I don't want to be berated or mocked or put down.
I want to be seen and respected, mess and all.
I want grace.
___
Ryan still owes me $600 for the Lowes gift certificate that Braden gave me for the dishwasher. Don't forget.
I want to go to the movies and Carrabbas with him on a date this coming weekend. We also have therapy at 4:30.
___
The other day I said to myself that I wished Ryan respected me. He doesn't respect me.
The very next day (yesterday?) he brought it up on his own - identified that he didn't show me respect.
Can these things above be addressed that way too? Hold it in my own consciousness and allow it to filter through to him and back to me that way, or do I have a responsibility to speak it out loud and try to shift it? Isn't that forceful? Is that controlling? Is that "trying to get my way"?
"Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the Spirit that laws of humanity do not alter its course." ~Khalil Gibran
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Pairs_of_Opposites
AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Collecting_Holographic_Records
Collecting Holographic Records
The result of collecting vibrational data throughout the Universal timelines of holographic record is designed to section and re-route Collective Consciousness that have been accumulating in group Reality Bubbles, Frequency Hubs and negative future timelines. Thus, there has been a gathering period of holographic data record in the collective consciousness field of the earth since 2012 to feed back into the Transtime Continuum. Many of us have been doing this data collection providing the framework for the ascending consciousness pathways during sleep state. The bifurcation amplifies polarities of positive and negative force considerably, and the result of the amplification is measured in weighted frequency average. This measurement is what directs the earthly kingdom and all of her inhabitants to the frequency space, the dimensional law, that is most aligned for that individual to continue evolution and spiritual development as a part of its group consciousness frequency.[1]
____
What message do I get from this? Definitely feeling SEEN by God/the Universe. Themes I've been trying to reach for.
Gathering data to feed back to transtime continuum
bifurcation and frequency reminding me that Ryan is not choosing the same path or wavelength that I am. He blames me, but ultimately it's both of our choices... his choice for him and mine for me. I want to choose love. But I've gone too far down into the pit... I'm starting to get burned and I'm maybe making it worse for him... pushing him further... my being triggers him. My "light" triggers him? But whatever it is, it makes him worse and not better. He used to be moving toward gratitude...and maybe it's better... he's got a better relationship with his family and building his own business and talking about trying to get up earlier and not waste as much time and talking about quitting smoking ... anyway, we can keep growing individually and as friends. I pray I can be a source of love for him... but I can't keep allowing the toxic and backwards and abusive treatment and words... his black magic casting spells over me - I do not consent. I am not psycho or any of the ugly words he calls me. I have a good heart and have loved him and taken interest in him and done the best I could. I can't be perfect, but I'm beautiful in my mess.
Ramsey reminds me of who I AM.
This is most important in terms of who WE ARE.
Thanks be to God.
Le'Anna gave her blessing in my exploration of feelings and future with Ramsey. I like his name. I am intimidated. But I see how it could be a symbiotic relationship. So we'll see.
____
Holy crap! I just went to AG to reference what's happening to cause the MADNESS that just went down here. (Physical drama/abuse... me jumping on Ryan's car as he tried to run me over (he could have if he really tried)... and he threw me on the ground, wrestling me... maybe hitting me... I'm hurting. It was bad.).
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Boomerang_Effect_of_Rebounding_Black_Magic
I burped and felt black magic moving through ... still need to read this, but definitely feeling this. THANK YOU GOD!!!
I love Ryan. We love each other. But this is so SO toxic. And being together makes it worse. I don't want to want Ramsey or anyone. I need to go inward and want ME. This is my priority.
