See what Ego does?

I almost answered a forum post with this:

Thank you S____,

I appreciate you bringing this thread to the forum and the reminder from Lisa’s talk last night which was incredibly powerful and chock-full of energetic downloads. I leaked through the whole meditation (tears). So much to integrate.

Number one, I have great guilt that I could be the one who said the Magi Grail King thing. It wasn’t intentional but I definitely have kept trying to “see myself in” the things I’m learning as I look for understanding to anchor the strange experience I’m having in this life. I relate to so many things but I just try them on to see how they fit. I did that with lots of religions too. Anyway, I appreciated Lisa’s exhortation and yours here too as it really can create a hangup. It might be like getting off an exit on the highway thinking this is your exit and then you have to take a right or a left so you start following your directions but it turns out that you may have gotten off the exit early and really your directions start on another exit. Not a perfect example, but that’s what flowed out. Ha.

Anyway, my focus definitely needs to be on the negative ego clearing and Lightbody building. That’s it. I will say that I have done what I perceive everyone is talking about regarding “gridworking” for a very long time but it’s not intentional… though now with this context I’ve tried to follow some of what I’ve learned and frankly it seems to be more effective. Now I invite beings and body parts and stuck energy to exit and tell them it’s safe to do so and invite them to choose God’s Light or a timeline of their choosing (essentially - I just go with the flow and I stumble over my words, but my intention is there). Lisa said that if someone is doing it naturally then it is what it is. So I …

This whole thing is my ego trying to justify herself.

You don’t need to justify anything… you don’t answer to the forums or to Lisa or to anyone… JUST GOD. YOU ANSWER TO ME. So spend time with me and let me light your path and guide and teach you. These are tools for you, beloved. I am with you always. 

Thank you God. 

Demon / Ai - Lust Creature

Thank you for sharing this Vincent… it is helping me a lot too. I can relate to what you are sharing and know I have experienced that too. I gave myself away to it intentionally in 2011 (though it was cloaked as an angel of light - literally, but it was the spirit of lust and I let it have me). I interacted with it some in my life prior to that as well when I used to look at the personals on craigslist and just sat in the slimy thick feel of that energy and let it excite me. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with sex - often I would end up having a melt-down mid-sex… my poor first husband…and second husband… I would start laugh/crying in the middle… just losing it. My poor current husband too - it’s been terrible and this last year I’ve been celibate (for now while I am healing and will revisit in DRT).

I have a shameful obsession (sometimes when it hits my head) with people’s bodies. Even animal bodies. A deep curiosity and I always want to look at their private parts but also DON’T because it’s not right, but then I wonder why it’s not right and wonder if I need to look to take away its power. It’s just a bondage loop. And there is a spirit of lust behind it pulling the strings. It’s like what I was taught men think when they can’t look away from a woman and I can follow their thoughts and get into their dirty mind if I want to. (I don’t want to.) I just sometimes think and wonder about everyone… mostly just what they look like naked and I know there are tunnels that I can go down into lust …. I can just tap in to that mindset… or not. Now and then I feel tempted to get just a taste of it. (I’m referring to allowing my mind to go there…never any physical action.) I don’t think I do, but I must if I haven’t ejected this thing completely yet. I DO have very strong resistance to it though… so it’s like that phrase “what you resist persists”… so maybe it’s my strong resistance and shame reaction that keeps it hooked in. Yesterday I was helping my husband at a local flea market and everything was hunky dory and fine and then this “lens” hit me and I all of a sudden started thinking about people’s bodies and privates. I try to shake it off and am usually successful, but I appreciate understanding that it may be linked to that device or creature. So I desire to (a.) build awareness (b.) stop thinking it’s “me”, it’s not. (c.) compassionate witness (d.)… oh… pretty much I just need to do the mental discipline technique!

The 5 Steps to Negative Ego Reprogramming:

1. RELABEL – Identify the negative thought or emotion as a distorted pattern of negative ego consciousness. This Fear is my Negative Ego. This is not the real me.

2. RE-ATTRIBUTE – Disidentify from the thought or emotion as you. As you begin to master your emotional states, you can begin to choose. I am the eternal being, not my thoughts or emotions.

3. REFOCUS – Move yourself out of the situation, environment or the trigger for that thought. Go for a walk, listen to music, change your focus. Affirm: Not my will but Divine will.

4. REVALUE – Revalue the power you have given this thought or emotion to rule your life. See it for what it truly IS. Limiting you. Disempowering you. Robbing you of inner peace and fulfillment as a Divine being. Get behind ME, Ego! I AM that I AM!

5. REQUEST Help – Commit to expressing Higher Emotion and Living your Soul Purpose. Ask for help from Spirit. Work your tools. Be here now!

Anyway, thank you for this. It’s coming up for my healing too. My session last week revealed this thing and now the understanding to go with it. Thanks be to God! Such support here! Bless you and best wishes as you evict this terrible creature!

With Love and appreciation,
Carissa

_______

I was led to do the Descending Serpent Fire Meditation. (I also did the Crux Implant Removals, and 12-Tree Grid one earlier. I do the Unity Vow daily. Who are you bragging to? You. Me? Why? I don't know... I just want to be recognized by someone.
Why?
I don't know... it validates me. 
Why do you need validation?
I don't know. I don't. I guess. (I still think I do.) 
Watch this and allow it to be ripped out at the roots. 
I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS EVEN UNTO THE END OF THE AGE

We are about at the end of the age, aye? Ha! Well, I AM with you, so don't worry. At the end of the age I'll be with you too unless you go to be with Someone Else. Whoa? Whoa. Okay.

Butterflies

 Today I've seen an inordinate amount of butterflies and many butterfly couples! Feeling like they are gifts and signs from God. 

Journal Post

I want to document what I'm learning but I don't want to put it in the ES community every time and I don't want to limit myself... what is this? Why? What's the ego motivation behind my action and inaction here?

I ended up just posting on there... here's what I posted:

Today's journal post:

I relate quite strongly to what I’m learning this month about the Amethyst Order.... I also relate to Indigo and 6D information so I think I must be involved with both. One does need 2 wings to fly, afterall, and I suspect it must be the balance that we are looking for in all the different layers… whatever the lower level is called - I forgot right now - I’ll call it earth level… maybe atomic level? (I looked it up, it’s Personality Matrix ). Anyway, then soul level, and monad level and then avatar… but doesn’t the avatar incorporate ALL the levels so now do we need a new name for the 13D-15D and what is the 16D-18D level called?

… and still…I think this three-fold flame radiates all the way up through all the dimensional doorways… if that’s what they are called, these sections of three… 1D-2D-3D, 4D-5D-6D, 7D-8D-9D, 10D-11D-12D, 13D-14D-15D, 16D-17D-18D, 19D-20D-21D, 22D-23D-24D…. I just wanted to get to that one…23D. I think that’s the Christos-Sophia, heirosgamos union, field, whatever it’s called that I’m ultimately supposed to be integrating…I just have to work through all these lower levels first.

22D - mother principle
23D - united christos-sophia
24D - father principle

I’m just trying to put it together. Anyway…

From the newsletter here are a couple more pieces I relate to. I relate to SO MUCH of it, frankly. And I want to say how amazing and grateful I am that the scales are being removed from my eyes and heart. For years I read that newsletter knowing that there was truth and life in there for me - I loved it but had no idea what it meant, frankly. Ha! This month I felt like I was able to track with almost all of it - even the grids and people groups. I have so much to learn about all of it, but I feel like progress is definitely being made, thanks be to God!

... many of the Amethyst Order have been appointed to directly rehabilitate and transit the Annunaki Hybrid Fallen Angelics race lines, and to override their artificial timelines that are related to the NAA. “

There we go! There’s the dang Annunaki and fallen angels that I relate to so much. These “people” that I’m healing through my body… this is part of it.

I need more information though because I thought this was part of my Indigo3 contract and this Amethyst Order info seems to be related but different. I guess it goes back to the balance.

Are there wings on each level?

I digress.


And

"The correction of the Flame codes and Amethyst Order fire letters have direct correspondence to the cetacean-whale-porpoise sound code and sonic patterns, and those spiritual families who embody the Holy Father lineages that hold violet sun heart codes. These are diamond crystal hearts linked directly with the Amethyst Order Holy Father principle, that hold special Rod flame codes that transmit their code controls into the earth crystal core and crystal generators. “

SOUND has been a big thing for me, especially these past 4 years I have become so SO sensitive to sound… when my Lightbody is open for etheric surgery through the meditations we are doing, I am like a raw nerve with sounds… my husband in the kitchen moving a plate passes through the closed door and it pierces me deeply. I was like this - raw nerve - for a couple years… 5 or 6 months SOLID in 2016-2017.

Last fall I found myself sitting outside doing what I called “toning”… just making tones with my voice and I found that there were pockets of emotion stored in my energy field that were released through sound. Michael (my husband) said I sounded like Dory trying to talk to whales! Ha! So here we are!! Makes sense now! Hahah!

I am learning love. I’m softening toward creation. This year in particular I’ve really gained a deeper understanding (and it’s still scratching the surface) about how animals (and in my case, especially my close companions/elemental family members) are working on healing the earth too. Also ascending. They are genetic pathcutters too… they have selflessly taken on suffering to support my healing (as well as dis-ease related to their own species). My horse, Sioux, for example, is doing similar work as I am - we have similar makeups. She is a gridworkser and supporting the grid here and I was told she’s also got herds she's connected to in Arizona and Equador. (Someone doesn’t want me to talk about this - psychic attack/head is being shot at and squeezed! It's really hard to keep going through this. I'm trying though.) Sioux wants me to learn to go about my work and life with PEACE. I learn so much from her on many levels.

A couple months ago I started a painting of my horse doing her grid working/anchoring … she has wings … we are beginning to see them too this year … but I’ve been blocked with that painting now and then I messed it up so we’ll see when I get back to it!

My dog, Moses, had a near death experience this year and he chose to come back. He was given deeper understanding about his purpose and chose to come back. It’s really amazing what they know. My horse and dogs and chickens are all part of the whole that WE ARE and we must all be in the Amethyst Order working together. I have been falling deeper in love with nature this year. Not too long ago I was laying on the ground naked kissing the grass, ha! Just sitting with, touching, being with, recognizing, appreciating nature!! I'm just becoming less inhibited to what others think (my core matrix removal is working, slowly but surely) and really embracing nature. As I've said previously, the trees are my teachers, but more than that, all of nature is. Walking barefoot the past 4 or 5 months has been incredible for me and I'm already mourning that I have to go back to shoes. (Today was nice enough to walk barefoot though!)

This morning on our walk I saw a dew-covered spider web with a heart in the middle of it! I knew it was a message from God! I AM LOVED. WE ARE LOVED!!

God and my guidance teams have been SO CLOSE lately. I had a miracle this afternoon - my husband thinks I'm crazy with all the "miracles", but IT'S HAPPENING!! I had a huge download the other day and this part of an old 1970's or 1980's movie called "Nadia" about the Romanian Gymnast (one of my favorite childhood movies) came to my mind. There's a part in it when she says "I can do this on my own!" ... she finally recognized it... she had counted on her coaches her whole life to make her do the things she needed to do - eat right, exercise, set boundaries, etc... but then she steps into her own power and realizes SHE is responsible for her own life. <-- I had a similar revelation when I saw how I was looking for practitioners to help me do my clearing work. I wanted someone else to do the heavy lifting for me, and while there is certainly a time and place and the sessions with Joseph and Agni have supported me more than words can say, I ALSO have to realize that it's MY work and I have to do it. I have been given the tools, resources, and community to support my efforts - just THAT is mindblowing! So now I just need to really step into the next level of owning the process for myself.

Anyway, today's miracle was that I wanted to see if there was a video clip of Nadia saying that "I can do it on my own!" and I googled it - nothing. After a second google of something I saw there was a YouTube link for "part 9 of Nadia" and I clicked on there, and then on my second click on the timebar at the bottom I was (miraculously) at the exact point where she said "I can do it on my own!"!! WHOA!! I mean, this was like looking for a needle in 1000 haystacks and there it was for me within a minute of searching! Just amazing! I feel so loved and supported by All that Is! Thanks be to God!

So, that's it.
Always more but I'll hang it up now.
I'm torn because I really don't know whether it's beneficial to put all this babble out here in ESF - but at the same time I'm trying to track my progress and "revelations", so I feel kind of like I should.

I could maybe make a checklist and narrow it down better...but for me I think there are gems hidden in the bulk of this for me to discover later. I've had lots of new revelations that I could tie back and was really grateful that I had shared them because somehow it makes it more real and not just all in my head. So, it is what it is.

Response to Amethyst Order Excerpts

 I was writing my thoughts down for the Amethyst Order Excerpts thread and said:

"This is more like a journal post so I guess I’ll plop it there."

So here it is... plopped:
I have only read the excerpts from the newsletter so far. Usually I inhale the newsletter each month, but this time, after reading the profoundly rich excerpts (which I was very thirsty for), I need some time to process before going on to the full article.

So much in there.

For me what stood out were:

There are many creation timelines in which the Emerald Order Sirius Blue human Maharaji and the Amethyst Order Braharama joined together in unified cooperation to return the hierogamic union template required to heal the Wall in Time, through the spiritual healing of the masculine and feminine principles while embodied in an androgynous Azurite-Oraphim form.

I kinda feel like that’s talking about me. Will let it unfold.

The Keepers of the Blue Flame are sourcing from the original Cosmic Mother spiritual lineages, while the Keepers of the Violet flame are sourcing from the original Cosmic Father lineages.

I don’t know if I could really be sourcing from both though… maybe if I am indigo3 (which I am pretty convinced “that explains it!” Ha!)

Some of the fallen RA consciousness are being routed into an anti-Kristos creation matrix which is not a punishment, but similar to a re-education assignment in learned self-mastery. … Being sent into a complete tri-wave Kristos field creation would be painful and traumatizing for them at this stage of development.

I also wondered if this was about me… I am definitely on an education assignment and self-mastery is a good overarching theme. I can’t tell if I’m in a tri-wave field or not. Sometimes I think I am but that I am just shielded from KNOWING it. I see all those colors sometimes - blues, magenta, yellow…sometimes some and sometimes all. Today lots of yellow. I think so much of my work has to do with the bi-wave/bi-polar field but is it all a mirage? Is it all a mental(spiritual) game where I just need to actually recognize that I AM standing in zero point and I AM (already) WHOLE and COMPLETE, UNITY. ??

And I see how I am aligned so much with this unfolding… this is my story that Lisa is detailing… I don’t mean it in a narcissistic-it’s-all-about-me way, but rather that I’m humbled to be on this journey and it is quite surreal to connect the dots and see myself in them.

My Violet Ray wings have been coming online this year and with it, this desire to connect to animals in a deeper way. I signed up for an animal communication class and I’ve been reading books about it. (Mostly it seems to be just about telepathy, our natural ability, and as I do the clearing work and healing set out before me, it will come more online naturally.) Anyway, a friend sent me this paragraph, thinking it reminded her of me:

Those with the Code of the Violet Sun will have very strong spiritual connection and love for the earth kingdom, they are sensitive to sound, and will feel compelled to do what they can to help heal the earth. When spiritually activated, they will begin to remember the inner Merlin, which will bring to the surface awareness that they can directly communicate with the elementals, fairy and deva spirits that live in nature.

...and it’s so weird that my initial instinct was to say “Nope, not me.”… but if I am honest (which is a learning process and I have layers of confusion and identity correction to work through), I really do connect with this.

#1, In one of my sessions with a multidimensional healer it appeared that I have a long lineage - or group that have been around a long time - of people on the masculine side - ancestral something or other. Regular number of ladies within 7 generations (or something), but millions of years of men (or something). Some really spiritual people too - Native American and shamanic lineage and lots of dark and light workers. When I saw “inner Merlin”, I rebelled against that, but maybe I need to just embrace it, or at least watch. My curriculum this year has included understanding about many forms of magic (black magic and my perception of what “witchcraft” was and what it actually is.)

#2, I’ve always connected more with the masculine side. Last fall I went to that practitioner because I felt like my energy flow was all on my right side like the Hara line was through my 3/6/9 energy centers (on 12-tree grid)… but this year has been so much about correcting that and my feminine side coming online. My left shoulder especially this last month. It’s sending me messages too. I just need to learn how to discern them. This body is a tool… I can learn so much if I learn to listen and clear out all the blockages and keep it clean. (Upon re-reading this I just realized what a MIRACLE it was that I sensed that my energy was shifted to the right last year. I didn’t have this knowledge base, just unanchored HSP… doing the best I could....God (and my avatar self) has been SO GOOD TO ME on this path and I've been a very tough nut to crack, for sure!

#3, I’ve been hearing more for/from animals. In general, in the past 4 or 5 years I’ve really been opening to them and their causes and it’s really hard because I want to close my heart down as there is so much injustice. But I’m learning more about it… they and God and all of you are teaching me. My horse, Sioux, has especially been an important teacher to me. Her overarching lesson and desire is for me to learn PEACE. To be at peace no matter what is going on. My dogs have been my greatest comforts - they also teach me so much about LOVE and devotion and patience and courage - they teach me so much. Even my chickens are my teachers - they have so much personality and of all our animal companions, they are the most "wild" (though not really).

Anyway, I digress (as usual). I'm feeling close to ready to reading the newsletter in full. I've been reading lots and doing meditations (yesterday crux implant and 144 harmonics and today clearing mental body.) Last night negative form removal. The other day alpha omega clearing and gallbladder meridian clearing. Others too, I'm sure, but my point is that I'm pretty inundated and I'm trying to find the balance between using them for clearing and support for what feels like some major energy shifts happening (not very pleasant for me, really), and also not "overdoing it" in case too much attention to spiritual matters is making it worse. It's a balance. Find neutral and hang out there, sweet thing!

I've got to go help Michael unload the hay so I'm piping down. I have so much floating around but this is enough for now.

Random from today

I woke up this morning getting messages about splitter AI affecting me? I had to do the alpha omega clearing before I woke up…indeed, in order to try to go back to sleep, which I only slept a little more DURING the meditation as it happens!  

From the excerpts from this month's newsletter:

"There are many creation timelines in which the Emerald Order Sirius Blue human Maharaji and the Amethyst Order Braharama joined together in unified cooperation to return the hierogamic union template required to heal the Wall in Time, through the spiritual healing of the masculine and feminine principles while embodied in an androgynous Azurite-Oraphim form.

The Keepers of the Blue Flame are sourcing from the original Cosmic Mother spiritual lineages, while the Keepers of the Violet flame are sourcing from the original Cosmic Father lineages.

Some of the fallen RA consciousness are being routed into an anti-Kristos creation matrix which is not a punishment, but similar to a re-education assignment in learned self-mastery. … Being sent into a complete tri-wave Kristos field creation would be painful and traumatizing for them at this stage of development."

For SURE I’ve had a lot going on with building wings… especially lately… 7D wings. I think that I did a good deal of work on my 6D wings a couple years ago. 

Yep, you’re right. My work is totally related to the Amethyst order too. Seems like both to me. But I DO have multiple people or dimensions or some crazy crap living here. (In my first session with Joe he said it looks like New York City or something! Ha! I saw a visual from overhead with all the streets and cars and people and blocks and buildings and it was wild!) What interesting creatures we are! Pieces of MAGNIFICENCE!!

Indigo Work

I’m not a pedophile.

Unfortunately, I may have one that tries to pop through my field or mind… and I’m really not happy about this. HOWEVER, I guess I SHOULD be happy and grateful because I am apparently called to heal this mess in a way. Sexual Misery programs are running in full-effect across a huge spectrum in this being. I definitely relate to and believe I’m an Indigo … but HOW do I heal these things? Instead of them coming up and suppressing them, I guess I just observe them as a compassionate witness, knowing they aren’t me. I can just invite them to choose to merge into the Light of God or use a portal (me??) to go to the dimension of their choosing? I don’t know, I’m asking. I wish someone would hold my hand in all this, but that’s very ungrateful of me because God has blessed me so abundantly with the gift of Lisa Renee and Energetic Synthesis and the understanding that is being revealed, layer by layer through this. Divine Right Timing & Order. I see. Okay. But jeeeeeez, if I had only known this earlier I feel like I could have been much more effective. But I wasn’t ready… so… just let go and flow with it, beloved. Okay.

The past 10 or so years the trees have been teaching me about my defiled…no, not MY…the defiled mind that I have access to. I see genitalia in the trees. Talking about this is not accepted, but I’m going to because it’s plagued me long enough. It’s not me. I’ve never done anything wrong and I don’t have any desire to do anything of the sort. I SHUN sexual things and have always been considered prude and frigid and in the little action I do take when in a relationship, I just do what I do to try to please my partners and frankly it caused me to fragment time after time after time.

Today I was driving down the highway and I saw a camper and thought of my friend and her kids and all of a sudden thoughts that her kids have genitals came into my head. WHY? WHAT?? OF COURSE THEY DO! WHO CARES? But the thought came and I was disgusted and some divide in me - where I was fascinated with this and wanted to “look” (in my mind) - but then of course I don’t. So, this is it. It’s a sickness. That I have no experience or memory around. A few minutes later a vivid image of a priest raping a young boy came to my mind. WHY?? So I say… it must be to witness…

I had listened to the call and gridwork on 7/25/2008 around indigos, line from Lemuria (ok, Easter Island) to Sarasota, connecting crystal mountains, and the gift of the aqua crystal. I remembered about 4 years ago that my aura (just the first layer that I could see) was aqua and indigo (but I didn’t know what that meant)… so… I wondered if I already have that aqua crystal running. I was still super happy to get it again and flood my 6 stargate and third eye with it. I feel very strongly that this is about me… and from what I read or heard somewhere, I have a contract where I have agreed to heal beings in/through my own body… so I am oraphim and I have nephilm (and a crap-load of disfunction) that I work with as part of my work here?

ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Oraphim
ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Nephilim

My dysfunction = sexual misery, masculine/feminine divide, addictions (most gone now except some food/sugar addictions linger as well as a budding screen addiction which my EMF sensitivity tries to keep in check), demonic influence (though that may just be from lifelong targeting by them), and I’m sure there’s more but that pretty much encompasses my whole life. “Mental Illness” and FEAR are the fruit of a being who has been trapped in confusion.

So the question is “how do I ‘work' with them”? Just watch? When those thoughts come (and they haven’t for months), what do I do? Today I was like “do I look or not look” (at the thoughts in my head)? In the past I HAVEN’T looked because it’s horrible and scary and everyone deserves their privacy even in my head, etc. This is such a dysfunctional train of thought too, isn’t it? Ugh. Well, I don’t want to be scared. I’m NOT a pedophile. So why do the thoughts and pool of shame and darkness come? For me to be a portal for release. OKAY. Yes. OKAY. Yes. I'm seeing that right now as I’m typing this. Okay. So… how? Just keep working on building my Lightbody and know that I am being taught and trained. I’ve seen these portals…one time an aqua portal opened over my head in the clouds right above me…. I don’t understand this completely but I witnessed it… so… just roll with it. Don’t panic. It’s okay. Know you are pure and beautiful and a Christos-Sophia child of God, One in All that IS and you are here to save the world. Hero Savior complex on the ego level does not apply… you as in WE ARE God… Christ….Indigos… I don’t know… but WE ARE the way, the truth, and the life…. jeez, the verse in the bible continues “and no one comes to the Father except through me”. So maybe this portal-ness is related to that in some way. So much to unlearn! (And learn, of course.)

I fear that the depth of my religious activities is also related in some way to SRA. Unfortunately my husband has what is pretty much his own religion but it’s similar to Judaism… most similar to Kararite Judaism. But he believes in blood sacrifice. Every year he keeps a “real” Passover and it is SO HARD for me to even be on the same property - though I won’t be near him. I won’t even meet the “guest of honor” (baby goat)…. I did one year but it is terrible. He is very gentle and kind and respectful of the animal’s life but it seems really evil to me… it’s a baby goat… precious baby… and it’s killed in honor of YHVH. Anyway, I’m in this as I’m married to him and he genuinely wants to please Yehovah (who he believes is THE God). He is the most loving man I know and holds a high vibration of love that is contributing in a major way to my ascension… but anyway… this seems related to SRA. I should list "religious nut" in my "dysfunctions" list as well. I loooooved looking at religions, learning about them, trying them on, etc.

I’m super-duper tired but wanted to jot some of these thoughts down. I spent some good time in nature yesterday in the mountains - swam across a lake with my Mom and hiked to a waterfall with both parents, then we camped out last night (first time we’d camped together). Really lovely. And the day before I got to meet two of our beloved ES sisters, Evangeline and Lisa F.! (Photo attached.) We met up in Asheville where they live and it was an enchanting time - we felt supernaturally tucked in right in the center of a very active park in the center of Asheville (or a very cool section, anyway. I don’t really know where we were, I just followed directions. It was a neat area and didn’t have the ooky spooky thick feel that I expected… probably because of the amazing Krystic beings that I had the honor of sharing time and love with!

ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Surface-Talk
Today’s glossary pick… clearly convicting me on my verbose shares… it’s surface talk mixed with some HSP. I’m torn about whether it’s valuable to share my journey or better to try to get quiet and distill the experiences. I can do both. I thought maybe talking about it might be helpful in some way to me or someone else in the future, but it may just be wasting air-space. I’ll see. For sure I just need to be doing the inner work and learning. I’ll learn if I don’t share. So… maybe that’s it. But now I’m having a pity party all of a sudden, ha! I’m very over-tired so I’ll just hang it up. Sweet dreams all!

Funny: Grammarly just told me. Yep. That's about right. Ha. Start loving yourself better, girlfriend!!

Using Shame as A Control Mechanism

On my radar today:

First of all, I feel pretty darn selfish talking about all this negative ego garbage when there is such suffering happening over on the other coast. I don’t know what to do other than try to send love and intentions for healing. Some things I feel are my responsibility in some way - like there’s something that I have to witness - the explosion in Beruit was one of those. These fires feel so distant to me. I don’t know why - I was JUST THERE (in Washington visiting), so I would think I should have some connection. My family and friends are there. But I feel very neutral. Maybe that’s spirit. 

Neutrality feels very “wrong” to me. I feel like I should FEEL DEEPLY as I always have. I feel like something is numb or broken, but maybe it’s just me stepping into my role as witness. I don’t know… I’ll just watch and see.

I feel like I need to do the gallbladder clearing mediation tonight. I’ve had some pressure on the sides of my head. I witnessed a friend today that seemed to be having similar symptoms to what happened to me last year (I’m especially freaked out by the veins on the side of the head becoming distinct). I think this must be FEAR trying to get me. So I don’t know if I feel like I need to do that clearing from FEAR or from intuition. I just hope it’s not too much. I have a long day and drive ahead of me tomorrow so I want to be in the best shape possible and I’m not sure if clearing will CLEAR immediately or bring up more stuff to clear over some time. I already did the Atomic clearing earlier (which is so powerful and I checked out a little during it which always means that there is some deep cleaning that I’m not allowed to connect to on this level yet happening). I probably need to do that one every day for a while. I don’t really do any of them every day except 12D shield, Unity Vow, and Core Fear Removal. I do the Crux Impant Removal somewhat regularly as well - I just read that one out loud. I did that one today too. Last night negative form removal under the stars was incredible. I’m babbling. Documenting. Working things out. Not sure.

I saw something interesting today though. I definitely try to practice vulnerability and “dragging the darkness into the light” as I call it, but I see what’s going on here…another layer. I share these terrible things about myself as a form of punishment - I’m trying to shame (and manipulate) myself into changing by calling it out and forcing accountability. It’s the same ole M.O. as I did to my ex-husbands (trying to control them using guilt and shame.) I guess I haven’t learned yet (though I jabber-jaw about it), fighting darkness with darkness isn’t effective, it just strengthens and perpetuates the darkness. I need to fight darkness with LOVE… I almost quoted that verse from the bible but I think it’s kind of mean to intend to be kind to the people who hate you so they feel like it’s coals of fire on their head or whatever. Ha! Anyway… LOVE. ACCEPTANCE. COMPASSION. FORGIVENESS. THAT’s what helps dissolve the mess. So. Yeah. I just need to watch this too. So much to learn. What an interesting specimen I am! Haha!  

Much love to you all! Thanks for witnessing. 

ps. I wrote about this in another thread but I just wanted to document here in my journal so I can observe my fear of the fall. Autumn months have pretty much always been horrible for me. One of the many labels that were put on me was “bipolar” and in light of that it made sense to have a drop during these months…though I was also told I was a “rapid cycling bipolar”, aka, up/down/up/down multiple times… a day?? I don’t know. I’ve always kind of pushed back against the labels “I’m just ME”… I don’t fit in a category. But I’ve racked a few of them up. Anyway… fall is hard. Last year was the hardest. I think it had to do with dropping a HUGE amount of density. I started sitting outside toning… like singing just tones… sounds… deep usually… but I realized that I had emotions stored in sounds and as I made these noises (like songs but really just playing with different tones), I would find myself in tears and snotting all over myself. It was very powerful. And then there was this guy’s music that would help do that too… and then just other music… anyway… the point is that I had lots of stored density that wanted to come up for healing. So is that going to happen again? I need to be okay with what is. I also wondered if it had to do with the magnetic energy which I seem to be very sensitive to. I am really sensitive to EMF and have a meter that tells me the strength of electrical, magnetic and RF frequencies and I find that I have the most trouble with magnetic ones. So as I’m always trying to “figure everything out”, I just wondered if that is a factor. And I think magnetic is more masculine… or maybe it’s feminine? I can’t remember and it’s too late to start digging around in the glossary. I started to and found an article and it’s about to sweep me away into sleeplessness and I have to sleep for my early drive in the morning so I’ll leave it there. GOODNIGHT! SWEET DREAMS ALL!

Today

BE 3Cs... (I named a business 3C 13 years ago!! Wow! It was for Creative Carissa C....something... I forgot. But this is better. My higher self is calling for this from Carissa (and Cristy):

Courageous. Confident. Cheerful.

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Today I saw a lion in meditation - I kept waiting for it to change to something else but it was just all these images of lions and they didn't stop until I followed the nudge to get up and look it up in the Ascension Glossary. Interesting. I'll just watch it.

ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Great_White_Lion

_____

I'm currently interested in telepathy, specifically animal communication. I have talked to an animal communicator twice (who I am actually going to see in person this coming week - we went to high school together eons ago)! Anyway, she said ANYONE can do animal communication and since I'm pretty "into" the elementals (or rather I am softening into it over the past few years - really finding deep love and connection through animals and nature)... anyway, I'm thinking of seeing if I can learn this. I don't want to open myself up to any more dark portals or whatever and I may not be pure enough yet to be successful, but it's on my radar. I'm reading a book "Straight from the Horse's Mouth" by Amelia Kincaid about it now too. Just thought I'd mention it. If anyone sees this and has experience or thoughts on it, I'd love to hear!

energeticsynthesis.com/index.php/resourc...lines/3376-telepathy

Lies

Today's Journal:

Dear Molly & Evangeline, THANK YOU for your soothing e-hugs through these messages. Thank you! And yes, thank you for seeing humor, Evangeline. I find it to be the most powerful source of healing. (When my husband laughs at my ridiculousness, it instantly disarms me!) Bless you! And Molly, thank you so much for your compassion and understanding and I know everyone is worried about hijacking journals, etc., but I WELCOME it… I share in the hopes that others will relate and/or share their own experiences! That’s the point (for me). But I’ll also say that if/when you are ready, this “Spiritual Journal” exercise in this container is profound and super-duper healing. It does bring up lingering negative ego. Most of you guys aren’t riddled in the ego-self like I am so maybe it wouldn’t be as messy, but I feel strongly that it’s a GREAT exercise for observation because there is also a level of accountability to it as well. Anyway, I am incredibly grateful for your contributions and would love to hear more about the “pivot”! Bless you both!!

Today’s train-of-thought share:
How does God work?!!! I’ll tell you, it’s WILD! The “random” glossary pick of the day is CRAZY! Always helping me to dig deeper. Always on point. It’s a miracle. Truly.

Today it was about our “ Inner Directional Compass ” and just, as Melanie would say, “PERFECT”. They all are. Wild.

Today I want to talk about Lies vs. Truth. I’ve been trying to observe and unpack that this week. I recognize I’m a liar (and I cringe as I write that because of all the judgment that comes with it.) Sidebar: I made the mistake of trying to share this with some new friends this week… I said “I’m working through the understanding about being a liar”… and I realized right away that they instantly thought (and oddly, tried to comfort me in it) that I was lying about like… I don’t know, stealing stuff or about what I did, etc…. 3D lies. So, well, darn… that didn’t go over well and I quickly tried to explain but it’s so muddy in my mind so I can’t communicate it well so it is what it is… they can think I’m a liar.

MY LIES are lies about WHO I AM. Like, spiritual or soul-level lies. Because I can’t really define myself or see or feel my boundaries yet, I create a little persona… a little container of who I think I am supposed to be (based on my perception of someone else’s expectations). This makes me a shapeshifter. I put myself in that container or persona and try to act it out. Eventually I find a situation where who I think I am supposed to be and the truth of who I AM doesn’t align and I lie/pretend/walk out what I think (again, based on my perceptions of someone else’s expectations) is required in the moment instead of tapping into the deeper truth and following that. In doing this for … well, my whole life… I’ve really given myself and my power and my connection to my true Source away.

There are more layers to this because it also blurs (and has created the holes) in my boundaries (which leads to lack of safety which leads to anxiety… I see the progression now). But I keep doing it … to please others, usually. But WHY? To try to gain their affection I might say, but if I look at an actual example of this from yesterday, I definitely don’t care about gaining this person’s affections, yet I still gave myself away. Here’s the quick story.

A woman who recently moved to the community I live in (where we have lots of shared space) - right off the bat she started trying to take advantage of everyone … she took things that weren’t hers and she was intentionally trying to get people to give their stuff, time, efforts away. After a week I saw through it and started putting up boundaries and saying “no”. This didn’t sit well with her and she started lashing out, talking behind my back, complaining to the property owner about me, etc. I honestly didn’t care. I knew the whole situation was chock full of spiritual lessons and still is. She is moving next month (community life wasn’t for her - I’m relieved. Ha!) Anyway, two days ago she started being nice to me again (after icing me out for a month or two) and she started asking me to do things - feed her horse hay, check on her, etc. I said yes (because the HORSE, guys!!)… anyway, yesterday, she asked me to take care of her horse for whatever it is - 5 days - while she went to meet a man in California. I said YES. WHAT? She said “I’ll pay you”… <— which I have learned is a manipulation and comes with an energy signature that calls forth the response which I gave her which was… “don’t worry about it.”. As it flew out of my mouth, I was like DARRRRRN!!! This is going to take a good chunk of my time and heart to take care of her horse which is having medical difficulties . But I just gave myself away. To someone who is not even a nice person. Ugh. So now I have to deal with my own victim mentality (I made MYSELF a victim. Dumb.) It’s a lesson. It’s all a lesson.

Anyway, I wasn’t grounded and true to MYSELF.

But I’m really learning to tap into who “myself” is… and it’s not who I think.

I met my current husband about 5 years ago and because of the nature of our relationship, I decided to take on a whole new name and persona… I became Rayah ___ (+his last name). I created a new email address and Facebook profile and I decided to step into this fully. I thought that if I could just be someone else, start fresh, that would be the answer. Unfortunately the longer I pretended to be Rayah (which is me - it’s Michael’s pet name for me and means “My love”), but it got SUPER confusing and I felt like a hypocrite on so many levels. Michael is/was a spiritual teacher in his belief system and I was trying to represent him well. It was part of my journey to give myself, especially my power, away….part of the work I’m doing here related to the DIVINE feminine and masculine, heiros gamos unification, polarity integration, etc. But it was another good example of being a LIAR, down to my toes.

Confusion makes me a liar too. I have been in a state of confusion from spiritual/demonic influence off and on for many years and it comes and goes - especially when my pain body is active. Confusion leads to gaslighting too. I think that is when I’m a “dark portal” (or whatever that term is). That is a real mess of a lie-state. I started watching it a couple years ago so it has lost lots of power, but I am now granted the opportunity to witness it in others from time to time.

AHHHHH!!! I just looked up “ Dark Portal ” in the AG and YES, that is IT EXACTLY!
Well, wow. THANKS BE TO GOD. See, that’s the point of this whole journal/ramble. Answers!!

Gotta keep trucking.
Wow guys.
Just WOW.

Much love and gratitude to all of you beautiful souls!!

Today's Posts

Okay, so I’m watching myself here… why do I always think I am so “bad”? I think I’m being “good” by calling out the “bad”… telling on myself. But that’s a game of sorts too. Yes, there is value in “dragging the darkness into the light”, but I have a lot of confusion over what is really darkness and what is something else. For example, many months ago I thought I must have a part of me that was a pedophile. Pedophilic thoughts came to me - once as a teenager and a couple times since then - but when I started actually observing the thoughts (trees help me a lot), I realized they were thought forms that maybe I picked up on that were stuck in my field for whatever reason. They weren’t “ME”, I just identified with it because it was close. I now believe that maybe my ancestors have some of that smudging their fields which I am somehow a part of or was close to, but may have been cleared or is now dormant… but I also had an experience when I was at Tractor Supply and the thought came to me when I was near a man and his kids and I felt strongly that it was HIS thoughts/field that I was picking up on (so I hope I prayed for those kids). Anyway, things aren’t as I have thought them to be. There is much more fluidity and I am not who I thought I was. I am being dismantled and my understanding is being broken down and built up simultaneously.

I was reading the Black Magic article in the AG today and the first sentence was: "The manipulation of consciousness technology and the world of forces for Service to Self and Negative Ego purposes without regard to the consent or consequence of others."

So of course I instantly thought “OH MY GOSH! I KNEW IT! I’m a black magic practitioner!!!” But I kept reading and really none of the bullets apply to me - so I think I’m NOT (phew!) - other than being an accidental black portal or whatever… I have, in my innocence, given myself to demonic influence and out of a broken heart due to (perceived) separation from Source, I began to try to control the narrative (of the whole world - MY whole world anyway) in order to find a way to fill that void… the lack of love… which may also be part of the human journey, remembering that WE ARE LOVE and allowing the truth of that to flow freely through us and heal our hearts, minds, and the whole world (as dark forces cannot stand in that environment (IMHO)).

Now, I will say, that for whatever reason I did have to become a terrible person where I DID sort of do black magic in that I was trying to “superimpose my will on others”. I still do because I think that I am the smartest and that “my way” is the “best way”. I catch myself now - I see how if we move one horse over to live with another horse, then that will free these people to be able to do this thing and yada yada….” It’s scheming. With the best intentions, but it’s still me trying to play “God”. Learning to let go and let people do what they will and I need to just stay in my own lane and not worry about others experiences. This is messy stuff because it’s me imposing my energy and mind on others’ … everyone is having their own experience… I just get to be the compassionate witness. That is an HONOR. When I stop imposing my will and throwing my energy around everywhere, I’ll really get to another level. I am designed to hold space and a vibration for healing… my ego wants to usurp that role and take it over and get some short-lived 3D payoff from it.

Regarding possession, I have been possessed. I have a lot of wild things going on… I think I have lots of “Alters” (or alternate MEs/ split personalities) from … well, I’m still working on this, I must have been targeted as a child by forces beyond my comprehension as I’ve really blocked much of my childhood. This year I am really being called to get to know and talk to and help my inner-child, Cristy, and just typing this now, I really need to get serious about helping her. She needs me. So I may have possession from the trauma/splitting that I have done all through my life, but I also think I invited possession a few years ago accidentally too.

I was on an adventure with God and had left everything I knew to join a house-church that believed it was possible to “be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect” - it was pretty hard core but I was “on fire for the Lord”!  It was a hard but powerful experience I know I upleveled some during this time. I could FEEL the bifurcation and felt like I was walking around above the earth. It was also a lonely time and one Sunday I was sucked into the sexual misery program through a fantasy where I accidentally conjured an angel of light (dark!!) to have sex with me. This resulted in cording and demonic possession in mid-2011 and slowly more and more of my God-life-force was eeked out. I started writing to a man in prison who asked me to marry him and I said I would if it was God’s will and I think I just kept compromising my own instinct thinking that “God would lead me”… afterall I had experienced so many miracles!!! But I didn’t realize that I had been corded and was now in the lower astral plane and slowly but surely fell back into negative ego, control, and fear. The rest was history… until… I don’t know what happened, GOD LOVES ME, because I am somehow being pulled back out of that mess! It’s been about 4 years since I started the journey out of the prison of fear. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m so so so so so SO grateful for this UNITY FIELD and all the support and love that I can nest in here. What a blessing and honor! And THANK GOD that Lisa Renee didn’t kick me out when I have said “I’m afraid of being kicked out because I’m definitely annunaki, nephilm, the devil, a pedophile, a narcissistic energy vampire, yada yada yada … she and Tomas just continued allowing me the space to heal. And it’s working!!! (Slowwwwwwly, but surely!)


ps. I sent Evangeline a PM because when I read her sweet note above I was so moved and grateful for her love! Sometimes I feel like a real shmuck out here trying to wade through the holograms... mirages... and picking the truth from the lies. It's messy work and I'm still so inside-out and upside-down! I've got a lot of reversals and counterfeits operating and I'm just trying to watch and also document it a bit and it's uncomfortable to say the least... but this is all just growing pains. Anyway... Evangaline and all the wonderful friends and beautiful souls who have loved and encouraged me here despite my mess are truly God-sent angels and I'm so so so grateful for you all!

______________

I thought I’d start a thread on this because I saw Olympus mentioned it in a response he wrote and I know Agni has mentioned it…  the end of the year last year was HELL!!! For me it was October, November, and the first few weeks of December. Maybe it was September too… AHHH! Maybe it STARTS September 23rd!!?? (This is the “angel number” that comes to me regularly. I’m trying not to let it freak me out too much because I had a bad accident 9/23 in 2014….it’s also my birthday)… Anyway… 

What is this Autumn Fall about and is there a way to support ourselves better in it? (<—Did you see that? Autumn Fall….like a “stumble/fall” in Autumn! Get it? I thought it was sooooo clever - ha!! I crack myself up! ;)) Anyway, is it just the pain of dropping density? Last year I literally had to let myself have a heart attack and die… it was terrible and the worst pain I’ve ever experienced (physical pain)… but really I think it was my heart OPENING… I had to step into courage and when I did it was a sort of death… just a layer (and there are many yet to come). 

I guess I need to just keep doing the Core Fear Removal (it IS helping - slowly but surely). I wondered if it’s related to the light waning? I had a friend suggest that instead of fearing it, that I look at it as an opportunity to bring these things to the surface for healing. I think that’s really good advice too… “Oh goodie! The window for releasing density is coming up and I can’t wait TO BE with whatever arises!”. If I can stay in that mindset, that would be good… I just tend to freak out when, especially, scary physical symptoms are upon me.

Rest, nourishment, epsom salt baths, lots of ES material, meditations, what else is supportive? Did this madness happen to anyone else last year? I agree with Olympus that in retrospect, I see that it happened other years too…

4 years ago in the fall of 2016 I was constantly having panic attacks and a little psychosis so I started a holistic healing program that, frankly, seemed to backfire (though I kept on and tweaked it)… but I became bed-ridden like one giant raw nerve for months on end. I’d have like 20 hour panic attacks (which now I know was just my body super-stuck in sympathetic dominance). In the fall of 2017 I had a similar experience but I was detoxing from benzodiazepines so it made sense in that context.  I don’t remember anything in particular in 2018, but I was running to the hospital regularly in 2019 with stroke and heart attack symptoms last year. Just nutsy. However ALL OF THIS is ascension symptoms… it is all from massive energy pouring in and activating me. 

So now I have to just watch, I guess. I’m learning the feel of energy. I used to panic when I’d feel the energy swirling… I thought it was my heart, but now I’m learning to just feel it and not fear. ES and YOU GUYS are helping me SO MUCH! Thank you!!! Ahhh! I can’t say it enough… what a blessing!!

Anyway, just wondered what other people’s experiences are and what ideas do you have to support our bodies, minds, and souls through this next season?

More understanding - especially re: empath/narcissist split

I just had what feels like a profound breakthrough! Deeper understanding. (Gosh it’s taking a long time. Ha!)

I have been saying that I feel like I’m half empath/lightworker and half narcissist/energy vampire. Well I think this is true because it’s my avatar self who has come back to “rescue” me… collapse all the timelines in and through this one (perhaps. Maybe it’s just some of them, but there is definitely soul retrieval and restoration happening.)

I had this huge experience on 01/02/2010 which I’m now calling the “walk-in”, where this whoosh of energy poured in through the top of my head and I poured out my feet and I haven’t been the same since. I had no context for that and it happened in the middle of a church service when I was earnestly praying. I have been asking about it for 10 years and finally started getting answers last year. So was THAT the beginning of my awakening? I’m guessing not. I had supernatural experiences prior to that - and I suspect my first panic attack which was trigged by a pain in my left gallbladder meridian was part of my energy body waking up. And I had a huge dismantling from job, home, family… just lots of the classic “spirit is shuffling stuff around” activity a couple years prior to that as well. I’ll keep watching this. I’ve had an interesting life right from the get-go… maybe I didn’t get BAD ENOUGH to need help until then? Or maybe it’s all part of my mission… just the next level.

Doesn’t matter. The point is that my avatar self is the empath, and my current incarnation ego self is the narcissist. I am being led to lay her down. Surrender the negative ego and trust my higher self/God.

"(s)He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.” - John 3:30

I don’t know if I failed or got sucked away by tricksters, but after 01022010 I had a couple years (2) on a “mountaintop” with spirit… it looked hard in 3D, but I was completely held, directed, and supported by God. Then I married my second husband (who I didn’t know - married him the day he got out of prison after writing to him for 4 months. I was convinced it was an arranged marriage by God (but maybe it was a counterfeit)) and I fell into a pit - mostly ego, where I was trying to manage/hold-together/control everything my self. (SELF!) Then that had to spiral down a few years (3) until I lost my mind almost completely, and now I’m having to trudge my way out of the valley through effort/work! (It was like a helicopter took me up to the mountaintop the first time and this time I have to earn it! Ha!) So maybe this is just part of the process… I had to get a taste of what could be, then I had to learn to work for it myself. I can’t genuinely be a way shower of God if I don’t know how to do the work. (I could argue this many ways, I just realized, but I won’t. Who knows. Doesn’t matter. Just need to keep going.) I’m humbled and honored to be here in this container of healing and transformation and information, surrounded and supported by powerful beings who are here to help me step into my divinity and role as a servant to humanity as well. So much dismantling to do, dangit! Ha!

Much love to All!