Lies

Today's Journal:

Dear Molly & Evangeline, THANK YOU for your soothing e-hugs through these messages. Thank you! And yes, thank you for seeing humor, Evangeline. I find it to be the most powerful source of healing. (When my husband laughs at my ridiculousness, it instantly disarms me!) Bless you! And Molly, thank you so much for your compassion and understanding and I know everyone is worried about hijacking journals, etc., but I WELCOME it… I share in the hopes that others will relate and/or share their own experiences! That’s the point (for me). But I’ll also say that if/when you are ready, this “Spiritual Journal” exercise in this container is profound and super-duper healing. It does bring up lingering negative ego. Most of you guys aren’t riddled in the ego-self like I am so maybe it wouldn’t be as messy, but I feel strongly that it’s a GREAT exercise for observation because there is also a level of accountability to it as well. Anyway, I am incredibly grateful for your contributions and would love to hear more about the “pivot”! Bless you both!!

Today’s train-of-thought share:
How does God work?!!! I’ll tell you, it’s WILD! The “random” glossary pick of the day is CRAZY! Always helping me to dig deeper. Always on point. It’s a miracle. Truly.

Today it was about our “ Inner Directional Compass ” and just, as Melanie would say, “PERFECT”. They all are. Wild.

Today I want to talk about Lies vs. Truth. I’ve been trying to observe and unpack that this week. I recognize I’m a liar (and I cringe as I write that because of all the judgment that comes with it.) Sidebar: I made the mistake of trying to share this with some new friends this week… I said “I’m working through the understanding about being a liar”… and I realized right away that they instantly thought (and oddly, tried to comfort me in it) that I was lying about like… I don’t know, stealing stuff or about what I did, etc…. 3D lies. So, well, darn… that didn’t go over well and I quickly tried to explain but it’s so muddy in my mind so I can’t communicate it well so it is what it is… they can think I’m a liar.

MY LIES are lies about WHO I AM. Like, spiritual or soul-level lies. Because I can’t really define myself or see or feel my boundaries yet, I create a little persona… a little container of who I think I am supposed to be (based on my perception of someone else’s expectations). This makes me a shapeshifter. I put myself in that container or persona and try to act it out. Eventually I find a situation where who I think I am supposed to be and the truth of who I AM doesn’t align and I lie/pretend/walk out what I think (again, based on my perceptions of someone else’s expectations) is required in the moment instead of tapping into the deeper truth and following that. In doing this for … well, my whole life… I’ve really given myself and my power and my connection to my true Source away.

There are more layers to this because it also blurs (and has created the holes) in my boundaries (which leads to lack of safety which leads to anxiety… I see the progression now). But I keep doing it … to please others, usually. But WHY? To try to gain their affection I might say, but if I look at an actual example of this from yesterday, I definitely don’t care about gaining this person’s affections, yet I still gave myself away. Here’s the quick story.

A woman who recently moved to the community I live in (where we have lots of shared space) - right off the bat she started trying to take advantage of everyone … she took things that weren’t hers and she was intentionally trying to get people to give their stuff, time, efforts away. After a week I saw through it and started putting up boundaries and saying “no”. This didn’t sit well with her and she started lashing out, talking behind my back, complaining to the property owner about me, etc. I honestly didn’t care. I knew the whole situation was chock full of spiritual lessons and still is. She is moving next month (community life wasn’t for her - I’m relieved. Ha!) Anyway, two days ago she started being nice to me again (after icing me out for a month or two) and she started asking me to do things - feed her horse hay, check on her, etc. I said yes (because the HORSE, guys!!)… anyway, yesterday, she asked me to take care of her horse for whatever it is - 5 days - while she went to meet a man in California. I said YES. WHAT? She said “I’ll pay you”… <— which I have learned is a manipulation and comes with an energy signature that calls forth the response which I gave her which was… “don’t worry about it.”. As it flew out of my mouth, I was like DARRRRRN!!! This is going to take a good chunk of my time and heart to take care of her horse which is having medical difficulties . But I just gave myself away. To someone who is not even a nice person. Ugh. So now I have to deal with my own victim mentality (I made MYSELF a victim. Dumb.) It’s a lesson. It’s all a lesson.

Anyway, I wasn’t grounded and true to MYSELF.

But I’m really learning to tap into who “myself” is… and it’s not who I think.

I met my current husband about 5 years ago and because of the nature of our relationship, I decided to take on a whole new name and persona… I became Rayah ___ (+his last name). I created a new email address and Facebook profile and I decided to step into this fully. I thought that if I could just be someone else, start fresh, that would be the answer. Unfortunately the longer I pretended to be Rayah (which is me - it’s Michael’s pet name for me and means “My love”), but it got SUPER confusing and I felt like a hypocrite on so many levels. Michael is/was a spiritual teacher in his belief system and I was trying to represent him well. It was part of my journey to give myself, especially my power, away….part of the work I’m doing here related to the DIVINE feminine and masculine, heiros gamos unification, polarity integration, etc. But it was another good example of being a LIAR, down to my toes.

Confusion makes me a liar too. I have been in a state of confusion from spiritual/demonic influence off and on for many years and it comes and goes - especially when my pain body is active. Confusion leads to gaslighting too. I think that is when I’m a “dark portal” (or whatever that term is). That is a real mess of a lie-state. I started watching it a couple years ago so it has lost lots of power, but I am now granted the opportunity to witness it in others from time to time.

AHHHHH!!! I just looked up “ Dark Portal ” in the AG and YES, that is IT EXACTLY!
Well, wow. THANKS BE TO GOD. See, that’s the point of this whole journal/ramble. Answers!!

Gotta keep trucking.
Wow guys.
Just WOW.

Much love and gratitude to all of you beautiful souls!!