On my radar today:
First of all, I feel pretty darn selfish talking about all this negative ego garbage when there is such suffering happening over on the other coast. I don’t know what to do other than try to send love and intentions for healing. Some things I feel are my responsibility in some way - like there’s something that I have to witness - the explosion in Beruit was one of those. These fires feel so distant to me. I don’t know why - I was JUST THERE (in Washington visiting), so I would think I should have some connection. My family and friends are there. But I feel very neutral. Maybe that’s spirit.
Neutrality feels very “wrong” to me. I feel like I should FEEL DEEPLY as I always have. I feel like something is numb or broken, but maybe it’s just me stepping into my role as witness. I don’t know… I’ll just watch and see.
I feel like I need to do the gallbladder clearing mediation tonight. I’ve had some pressure on the sides of my head. I witnessed a friend today that seemed to be having similar symptoms to what happened to me last year (I’m especially freaked out by the veins on the side of the head becoming distinct). I think this must be FEAR trying to get me. So I don’t know if I feel like I need to do that clearing from FEAR or from intuition. I just hope it’s not too much. I have a long day and drive ahead of me tomorrow so I want to be in the best shape possible and I’m not sure if clearing will CLEAR immediately or bring up more stuff to clear over some time. I already did the Atomic clearing earlier (which is so powerful and I checked out a little during it which always means that there is some deep cleaning that I’m not allowed to connect to on this level yet happening). I probably need to do that one every day for a while. I don’t really do any of them every day except 12D shield, Unity Vow, and Core Fear Removal. I do the Crux Impant Removal somewhat regularly as well - I just read that one out loud. I did that one today too. Last night negative form removal under the stars was incredible. I’m babbling. Documenting. Working things out. Not sure.
I saw something interesting today though. I definitely try to practice vulnerability and “dragging the darkness into the light” as I call it, but I see what’s going on here…another layer. I share these terrible things about myself as a form of punishment - I’m trying to shame (and manipulate) myself into changing by calling it out and forcing accountability. It’s the same ole M.O. as I did to my ex-husbands (trying to control them using guilt and shame.) I guess I haven’t learned yet (though I jabber-jaw about it), fighting darkness with darkness isn’t effective, it just strengthens and perpetuates the darkness. I need to fight darkness with LOVE… I almost quoted that verse from the bible but I think it’s kind of mean to intend to be kind to the people who hate you so they feel like it’s coals of fire on their head or whatever. Ha! Anyway… LOVE. ACCEPTANCE. COMPASSION. FORGIVENESS. THAT’s what helps dissolve the mess. So. Yeah. I just need to watch this too. So much to learn. What an interesting specimen I am! Haha!
Much love to you all! Thanks for witnessing.
ps. I wrote about this in another thread but I just wanted to document here in my journal so I can observe my fear of the fall. Autumn months have pretty much always been horrible for me. One of the many labels that were put on me was “bipolar” and in light of that it made sense to have a drop during these months…though I was also told I was a “rapid cycling bipolar”, aka, up/down/up/down multiple times… a day?? I don’t know. I’ve always kind of pushed back against the labels “I’m just ME”… I don’t fit in a category. But I’ve racked a few of them up. Anyway… fall is hard. Last year was the hardest. I think it had to do with dropping a HUGE amount of density. I started sitting outside toning… like singing just tones… sounds… deep usually… but I realized that I had emotions stored in sounds and as I made these noises (like songs but really just playing with different tones), I would find myself in tears and snotting all over myself. It was very powerful. And then there was this guy’s music that would help do that too… and then just other music… anyway… the point is that I had lots of stored density that wanted to come up for healing. So is that going to happen again? I need to be okay with what is. I also wondered if it had to do with the magnetic energy which I seem to be very sensitive to. I am really sensitive to EMF and have a meter that tells me the strength of electrical, magnetic and RF frequencies and I find that I have the most trouble with magnetic ones. So as I’m always trying to “figure everything out”, I just wondered if that is a factor. And I think magnetic is more masculine… or maybe it’s feminine? I can’t remember and it’s too late to start digging around in the glossary. I started to and found an article and it’s about to sweep me away into sleeplessness and I have to sleep for my early drive in the morning so I’ll leave it there. GOODNIGHT! SWEET DREAMS ALL!
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