Today's Posts

Okay, so I’m watching myself here… why do I always think I am so “bad”? I think I’m being “good” by calling out the “bad”… telling on myself. But that’s a game of sorts too. Yes, there is value in “dragging the darkness into the light”, but I have a lot of confusion over what is really darkness and what is something else. For example, many months ago I thought I must have a part of me that was a pedophile. Pedophilic thoughts came to me - once as a teenager and a couple times since then - but when I started actually observing the thoughts (trees help me a lot), I realized they were thought forms that maybe I picked up on that were stuck in my field for whatever reason. They weren’t “ME”, I just identified with it because it was close. I now believe that maybe my ancestors have some of that smudging their fields which I am somehow a part of or was close to, but may have been cleared or is now dormant… but I also had an experience when I was at Tractor Supply and the thought came to me when I was near a man and his kids and I felt strongly that it was HIS thoughts/field that I was picking up on (so I hope I prayed for those kids). Anyway, things aren’t as I have thought them to be. There is much more fluidity and I am not who I thought I was. I am being dismantled and my understanding is being broken down and built up simultaneously.

I was reading the Black Magic article in the AG today and the first sentence was: "The manipulation of consciousness technology and the world of forces for Service to Self and Negative Ego purposes without regard to the consent or consequence of others."

So of course I instantly thought “OH MY GOSH! I KNEW IT! I’m a black magic practitioner!!!” But I kept reading and really none of the bullets apply to me - so I think I’m NOT (phew!) - other than being an accidental black portal or whatever… I have, in my innocence, given myself to demonic influence and out of a broken heart due to (perceived) separation from Source, I began to try to control the narrative (of the whole world - MY whole world anyway) in order to find a way to fill that void… the lack of love… which may also be part of the human journey, remembering that WE ARE LOVE and allowing the truth of that to flow freely through us and heal our hearts, minds, and the whole world (as dark forces cannot stand in that environment (IMHO)).

Now, I will say, that for whatever reason I did have to become a terrible person where I DID sort of do black magic in that I was trying to “superimpose my will on others”. I still do because I think that I am the smartest and that “my way” is the “best way”. I catch myself now - I see how if we move one horse over to live with another horse, then that will free these people to be able to do this thing and yada yada….” It’s scheming. With the best intentions, but it’s still me trying to play “God”. Learning to let go and let people do what they will and I need to just stay in my own lane and not worry about others experiences. This is messy stuff because it’s me imposing my energy and mind on others’ … everyone is having their own experience… I just get to be the compassionate witness. That is an HONOR. When I stop imposing my will and throwing my energy around everywhere, I’ll really get to another level. I am designed to hold space and a vibration for healing… my ego wants to usurp that role and take it over and get some short-lived 3D payoff from it.

Regarding possession, I have been possessed. I have a lot of wild things going on… I think I have lots of “Alters” (or alternate MEs/ split personalities) from … well, I’m still working on this, I must have been targeted as a child by forces beyond my comprehension as I’ve really blocked much of my childhood. This year I am really being called to get to know and talk to and help my inner-child, Cristy, and just typing this now, I really need to get serious about helping her. She needs me. So I may have possession from the trauma/splitting that I have done all through my life, but I also think I invited possession a few years ago accidentally too.

I was on an adventure with God and had left everything I knew to join a house-church that believed it was possible to “be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect” - it was pretty hard core but I was “on fire for the Lord”!  It was a hard but powerful experience I know I upleveled some during this time. I could FEEL the bifurcation and felt like I was walking around above the earth. It was also a lonely time and one Sunday I was sucked into the sexual misery program through a fantasy where I accidentally conjured an angel of light (dark!!) to have sex with me. This resulted in cording and demonic possession in mid-2011 and slowly more and more of my God-life-force was eeked out. I started writing to a man in prison who asked me to marry him and I said I would if it was God’s will and I think I just kept compromising my own instinct thinking that “God would lead me”… afterall I had experienced so many miracles!!! But I didn’t realize that I had been corded and was now in the lower astral plane and slowly but surely fell back into negative ego, control, and fear. The rest was history… until… I don’t know what happened, GOD LOVES ME, because I am somehow being pulled back out of that mess! It’s been about 4 years since I started the journey out of the prison of fear. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m so so so so so SO grateful for this UNITY FIELD and all the support and love that I can nest in here. What a blessing and honor! And THANK GOD that Lisa Renee didn’t kick me out when I have said “I’m afraid of being kicked out because I’m definitely annunaki, nephilm, the devil, a pedophile, a narcissistic energy vampire, yada yada yada … she and Tomas just continued allowing me the space to heal. And it’s working!!! (Slowwwwwwly, but surely!)


ps. I sent Evangeline a PM because when I read her sweet note above I was so moved and grateful for her love! Sometimes I feel like a real shmuck out here trying to wade through the holograms... mirages... and picking the truth from the lies. It's messy work and I'm still so inside-out and upside-down! I've got a lot of reversals and counterfeits operating and I'm just trying to watch and also document it a bit and it's uncomfortable to say the least... but this is all just growing pains. Anyway... Evangaline and all the wonderful friends and beautiful souls who have loved and encouraged me here despite my mess are truly God-sent angels and I'm so so so grateful for you all!

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I thought I’d start a thread on this because I saw Olympus mentioned it in a response he wrote and I know Agni has mentioned it…  the end of the year last year was HELL!!! For me it was October, November, and the first few weeks of December. Maybe it was September too… AHHH! Maybe it STARTS September 23rd!!?? (This is the “angel number” that comes to me regularly. I’m trying not to let it freak me out too much because I had a bad accident 9/23 in 2014….it’s also my birthday)… Anyway… 

What is this Autumn Fall about and is there a way to support ourselves better in it? (<—Did you see that? Autumn Fall….like a “stumble/fall” in Autumn! Get it? I thought it was sooooo clever - ha!! I crack myself up! ;)) Anyway, is it just the pain of dropping density? Last year I literally had to let myself have a heart attack and die… it was terrible and the worst pain I’ve ever experienced (physical pain)… but really I think it was my heart OPENING… I had to step into courage and when I did it was a sort of death… just a layer (and there are many yet to come). 

I guess I need to just keep doing the Core Fear Removal (it IS helping - slowly but surely). I wondered if it’s related to the light waning? I had a friend suggest that instead of fearing it, that I look at it as an opportunity to bring these things to the surface for healing. I think that’s really good advice too… “Oh goodie! The window for releasing density is coming up and I can’t wait TO BE with whatever arises!”. If I can stay in that mindset, that would be good… I just tend to freak out when, especially, scary physical symptoms are upon me.

Rest, nourishment, epsom salt baths, lots of ES material, meditations, what else is supportive? Did this madness happen to anyone else last year? I agree with Olympus that in retrospect, I see that it happened other years too…

4 years ago in the fall of 2016 I was constantly having panic attacks and a little psychosis so I started a holistic healing program that, frankly, seemed to backfire (though I kept on and tweaked it)… but I became bed-ridden like one giant raw nerve for months on end. I’d have like 20 hour panic attacks (which now I know was just my body super-stuck in sympathetic dominance). In the fall of 2017 I had a similar experience but I was detoxing from benzodiazepines so it made sense in that context.  I don’t remember anything in particular in 2018, but I was running to the hospital regularly in 2019 with stroke and heart attack symptoms last year. Just nutsy. However ALL OF THIS is ascension symptoms… it is all from massive energy pouring in and activating me. 

So now I have to just watch, I guess. I’m learning the feel of energy. I used to panic when I’d feel the energy swirling… I thought it was my heart, but now I’m learning to just feel it and not fear. ES and YOU GUYS are helping me SO MUCH! Thank you!!! Ahhh! I can’t say it enough… what a blessing!!

Anyway, just wondered what other people’s experiences are and what ideas do you have to support our bodies, minds, and souls through this next season?